The choice was Ceri’s, it always was going to be and I think we both knew that. It was simply easier to sweep it out of sight, so we couldn’t dwell on it. The change in her began on the day they shot the final scene in the film version of Ceri – Angels Among Us.
She became convinced that if we continued to flaunt the rules, then I would be taken away from her. As we stood watching the actor who was playing my part, and Ceri saw the growing pool of fake blood, she paled. Turning to look at me, I could see the realisation in her eyes and knew she thought it was a warning.
We pretended everything was fine, but for a while she had begun to feel that she was on shifting sand. Everything that had previously been a source of energy and encouragement to her in her work, seemed to set her on edge.
With hindsight, I can now look back and see that I missed the one moment that truly mattered. It was lost in a sea of words and out-pouring, that began on the fateful day she found out that the message she had given Hilary James, had been correct.
I’d arrived home late to find Ceri distraught at the prospect of a wrap-up interview for the pilot show. I rang Tom Sheldon immediately to get to the bottom of it and he told me the full story. I sat Ceri down and repeated what he’d told me.
“Hilary’s mother believed she had tracked down her grandson, who had been given up for adoption shortly after his birth. Hilary was sixteen years old at the time and her mother was a widow, so it’s seemed like the best solution for the child.
“Sadly, her enquiries led to the discovery that the lad had drowned in a swimming pool when he was six-years-old. It was a freak accident, he was one of a large party of school children and by the time it was noticed that he was missing, it was too late. His body was found at the bottom of the pool, but attempts to resuscitate him were unsuccessful. It was shortly before Hilary was due to be married and, unable to escape the feelings of guilt and love she always had for her child, she had hoped to make amends. She began her married life carrying all of the pain and regret associated with her situation and that never left her. She went on to have two children with her husband, and instead of healing that old wound, it made it worse. That’s why she was chosen for the programme.
“Her mother died, believing that the information she had obtained was true. However, the research team managed to get to the bottom of what really happened. It seems the family had a biological son and he was the one who died. Hilary’s son is alive and well. Hilary was reunited with him after a series of meetings with the family. His name is David and he’s fifteen-years-old.”
Ceri had cried uncontrollably, and what hit me was how vulnerable she had become. I hadn’t noticed the strength seeping out of her, leaving a shell that appeared to be so fragile I began to fear for what might happen next.
That night we lay on the sofa, bodies entwined as the darkness descended.
“If I had to choose your life or mine, you would understand if I chose your life, wouldn’t you Alex?”
“Hey, what’s all this? Stop worrying, we’re going to be fine. It’s never that simple, Ceri, and you know that.”
We lay there for hours, content to savour every single second we were in each other’s arms. I thought it was the beginning of a healing process, as I tried so hard to infuse her with my own energy. I was confident I could build her up and make her strong once more.
I awoke with a start, wondering why my arms were empty and my body felt chilled. She was gone and I realised I’d missed the one moment that truly mattered.