Linnea felt as hollow as a wooden toy. She took a shaky breath and waited while Aunt Eva and her husband excused themselves and headed out back to sit in the shade.
Linnea waited until the door closed. “Mama, you aren’t going to say yes to them.”
“It is so sudden. Frederick must be back to his work in a few days. I must decide now, Eva said. I believe I am strong enough to travel, and I will have you to help me. The question is, do I go with them?”
“Tell me what’s in your heart.” Linnea spoke past the pressure in her chest, a growing pressure that began to hurt. “What do you want, Mama?”
“I want both. I want to stay here in my beloved house Olaf built me. I want to go with my sister. I cannot have both.”
“No, you can’t.” Linnea knelt at her mother’s side and took her small hand.
“There are so many memories here. If I look hard enough, I can see the past. With you as a little girl dashing through the house and Olaf hitching the horses in the yard.” Her eyes gleamed with warm memories from the past. “But my sister is here and alive. I was afraid, dotter, when I had the stroke. Afraid not of dying, but of never saying goodbye to my twin sister. We are so close, even after all these years apart.”
Tears burned Linnea’s throat. “You want to go?”
“How can I stay? I do not know how much time I have left on this earth.”
Linnea thought of Seth. “Then you’ve decided.”
“I do not wish to leave here, but to be with my sister again!” Mama’s eyes filled with tears. “A door has closed on my life, but a window has opened. What do you think I should do?”
“What will make you happy?”
“Being with Eva.” Mama’s smile was young, so very young. “If we go to Oregon and live in Frederick’s second house, there will be a housekeeper. Imagine! My dotter will not have to work so hard to take care of me. Eva talks of a woman she employs who does nothing but cook! She will cook for us, too. Life will be easier for my girl.”
“Oh, Mama.” Linnea glanced at her ring on the windowsill. “Maybe I can see you settled in Oregon, but that is all. You won’t need me around if you have Aunt Eva and her housekeeper.”
“Not need you? My dear, I would wither without my sweet girl to take care of me. I need you more than anything.”
Her dreams shattered. Linnea collapsed into the closest chair. Did she tell Mama about Seth’s ring? How could she? Aunt Eva had offered Mama a house. She hadn’t offered to tend to her night and day.
Linnea thought of Seth. All he meant to her. All he offered her. “Are you sure you want to leave the house Papa built for you? You said before that you couldn’t leave. There are too many memories here. It would be like leaving him behind.”
“Your papa will come for me one day, and he will find me just as well in Oregon as he will here. You will come with me and we will find happiness in Eva’s little cottage.”
Linnea felt Seth, even though she hadn’t heard him approach. She saw him through the open door, standing in the yard in front of the steps, larger than life, her very own champion.
He didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. She knew by the shock on his face and the sadness in his eyes. He’d heard every word.
He set Frederick’s traveling case on the porch, turned his back and walked away.
* * *
A cool wind whipped through the dry grasses. Linnea patted the oxen grazing near the wagon. “Seth?”
“Look in the wagon.”
She turned toward the sound of his voice, as cool as the wind. There he was, sitting on the ground, his forearms on his knees. The sunlight bronzed him as he stared out over the golden-brown plains. He looked so alone.
“Just look.”
She approached the shadowed vehicle, noticing the milled wood protruding from the wagon bed. The smell of freshly sawed lumber tickled her nose. So much expensive lumber.
“For our new house.” He stood, bracing his feet apart, planting his fists on his hips. “Figured if I got started right away, I’d have enough time to get a roof and walls up before the snow falls.”
The wind gusted, driving a tumbleweed between them. The weed clacked and rattled as it rolled away.
“I don’t know what to say, Seth.” She set the lunch pail on the lip of the wagon bed. “You overhead what Mama said. She wants to go live with her sister more than anything.”
“Then let her go. Travel with her. Get her settled. Then come back to me.”
“She doesn’t want me to leave her.” She took a breath that rattled as much as the tumbleweed.
“You promised to marry me.” How lost he sounded, as if he’d misplaced his heart. “You lay with me right here and gave me the right to love you.”
“I want to be with you more than anything.” She ran her fingers over the rough texture of the thick timber, one that might make the floor or the corner post of Seth’s house.
“Then tell me you aren’t going to leave. Say anything but that.”
“I wish I could, but I can’t lie to you.” She turned toward the spot on the prairie where Seth would build his house. “The love I feel for you is greater than anything I’ve ever known.”
“I’ll travel with you to Oregon. Help you get your mother settled. We could even get married there if you wanted. We’ll come back here and start our life together.”
She closed her mind against the pictures in her mind. Images she had no right to. Making curtains for the windows in his pretty new house. Waking up in bed together. Anticipating a baby on the way.
Those are only dreams, she reminded herself. Like the thousand she’d had over the years. Fantasies without substance, easily blown away like dust on the wind.
“I have a duty to Mama. I can’t leave her. If she wants to go to Oregon, I have to go with her.” She said the words because she had to. “Why don’t you come with me? We can still be together.”
“I just sank nearly every penny I’ve ever saved into this land. Into your land.” He pulled her to him and kissed her temple, kissed the crown of her head, holding her tight. “I don’t have the money to start again.”
“I don’t care about marrying a wealthy man. We don’t need money to be happy.”
He grimaced. He tensed as hard as stone. “I can’t leave. I’d throw away everything for you. Except for my word. I have responsibilities, too.”
She closed her eyes. “Ginny.”
“I can’t leave her destitute. Even if I gave her the land, it’s not worth what I paid for it. She can’t sell it and she’ll never be able to farm it. She couldn’t support herself and her boy entirely on the income from any job she’d get in town.”
“You can’t leave. I can’t stay. What do we do?”
“You have your responsibility. I knew that from the beginning, but now your mother has her sister, Linnea.” He said it as gently as he could, but he couldn’t help the stubborn ball of pain wedging its way into his chest. “Why can’t you stay with me? Don’t you want to marry me?”
She buried her face in his shoulder. “I thought of that, too. Of leaving her with Aunt Eva. But she needs me. You heard her.”
“I did.” Truth was, he cared for Mrs. Holmstrom. He wouldn’t want to see her alone.
“She needs me. How can I turn away from her now? She could have died from that stroke. It could have been much worse. What if there’s a next time? I need to be there for her. To return to her all the love she’s given me.”
“I can’t let you go, Linnea. I’ve lost my heart once. Don’t make me go through that again.”
“She stood by me when I was pregnant. When Jimmy McIntyre walked away from me because he wouldn’t marry an immigrant’s daughter.” Tears wet her cheeks. “I was broken by the humiliation and the shame. And for feeling so stupid for thinking he was like a prince from a fairy tale when he was just a selfish boy.”
Linnea stepped out of his arms and wiped her tears with the back of her sleeve. No more fell as she faced him, chin up, nothing but courage. “She held me when I cried. Saw me through morning sickness. My father died, and even in her grief she never blamed me.
“When my baby came, she stayed with me. And even when the doctor said the infant had died and I was bleeding badly, she didn’t let me go. She willed me to live and in the end I couldn’t leave her. I owe her my life.”
Seth heard all she didn’t say—how many families disowned an unmarried pregnant daughter. He hated to think of Linnea hurting and alone. Pregnant and afraid. Giving birth to a baby that did not live. “She saw you through an unbearable time.”
“She loves me unconditionally and without end.” Sadness twisted Linnea’s face. “How many daughters can say that about their mothers? She needs me, Seth. After all she’s done for me, it would be wrong to leave her now. I want to be with you more than anything.”
“I know.” He felt pain. Anger. Loss. He was furious at the injustice of finding love. Only to lose it again. “Maybe you should speak with your mother. Tell her about the plans we made.”
“Then she would feel guilty. She’s been so worried about being a burden. As if she could ever be that for me.” Linnea dipped her head and the brim of her sunbonnet hid the sorrow in her eyes. “This isn’t forever. Maybe you could wait for me.”
Her lower lip trembled. She looked vulnerable and hurt. He knew just how that felt. He pulled her into his arms, kissing her tear-damp cheeks.
“Forever is a long time,” he said quietly.
She twisted away and fled, her skirts trailing behind her, taking all that mattered in his life.
His world was ending, and he felt the darkness wrap around his heart. He couldn’t do this again. Couldn’t face sorrow again.
He wanted to run after her and make her stay. Yet he wouldn’t be a man if he did. She had her duty.
He had his.
* * *
Linnea couldn’t think of anything but the look on Seth’s face before she ran away from him as she tucked the diamond ring into the velvet pocket inside her cedar chest.
“Linnea, dear,” Aunt Eva called from the front door. “We are leaving now to take your mother to the doctor. We must have his approval to travel so far with her. Do you need anything from town?”
“I’ll run errands when you return.” There was Mrs. Jance to thank and her fabric bill to pay.
“That’s fine, dear. How nice of the major to lend his horse and buggy. Elsa said that she had hopes for you and Mr. Gatlin.”
“She actually admitted it?”
“A mother never stops hoping for her daughter. You will keep packing while we are away?”
“Yes.” Pain tore through her like a hooked claw, but she didn’t let it show. She tucked the sewing kit Seth had given her into the middle of the chest, for safe traveling.
She didn’t want to leave. Her hands felt cold and clumsy as she began emptying Mama’s bureau drawers. The new trunks Uncle Frederick had brought shone like polished silver in the bright autumn sunshine.
This is good for Mama. For all that she has done for me, this is my chance to pay her back.
Linnea tried to find joy in that but failed. The truth was that she wanted to be with Seth more than anything.
The house was in disarray. Claire had gone to town in the buggy too, her work here done. Alone, Linnea’s footsteps echoed in the parlor. The shelves that had held Papa’s books were empty. The tapestries were gone from the walls. The lace stripped from the tables and the curtains from the windows.
Tomorrow, assuming the doctor said Mama could travel, this room would be empty. They would be on their way to Oregon.
A knock tapped on the open door and she jumped. “Seth.”
“I was in the fields building my corral when I saw the buggy leave.” He stood awkwardly, as if her porch was the last place he wanted to be. “Thought I’d take a chance on finding you alone.”
“I am.” She couldn’t help noticing the quilt he carried over one arm. “Don’t tell me you’re giving me back the quilt.”
“The one I bought for the woman I intended to marry.”
Intended. Linnea gripped the back of the sofa for support. It really was over between them. “I don’t want it back.”
He laid the delicate quilt over the rocking chair. “Maybe one day you’ll return it to me. When you’re free to marry me.”
“You’d wait for me?”
“I would wait forever.”
Her bottom lip wobbled. “If I could find a way, I’d stay. I’d never leave you. Never.”
“I know.” It made him angry but he understood. If she could walk away from her mother, who’d just had a stroke, then she wouldn’t be the woman he honored above all else.
“I want to make love with you one last time.” Desire pounded through his blood, but it wasn’t sex he needed.
It was Linnea. He wanted to cling to her one last time. To be a part of her once again. So that throughout the lonely nights to come, he would remember.
“I don’t want to risk becoming pregnant, since we won’t be getting married.” Her bottom lip trembled. So vulnerable. “Once is all it takes. I learned that before.”
“I don’t want to leave you pregnant. It wouldn’t be right.”
Love for him burned greater than all the stars in the sky. Making love to him once wasn’t enough. Would never be enough. She craved him like the air she breathed.
How was she going to be all right without him? To never again feel his kiss, his touch or the amazing thrill of him inside her?
“I’ll drive you to the depot in the morning.” He sounded dead inside, tired and hurting.
She longed to reach out for him, but she was afraid she’d never let go. “It would be best if you didn’t. It will only make it harder to get on the train. Uncle Frederick is hiring a wagon for our luggage.”
“Then I guess this is goodbye.” He kissed her cheek, a brief brush of his lips. “We made love, and I’m going to worry about you. You’ll write me if you find out you’re pregnant?”
“If I am, I’ll let you know.” Not that it would change her decision.
It was time to leave him. She wanted to shrug off the responsibilities that tugged at her now and run into Seth’s arms.
But a part of her, the sensible part that never wished or yearned, knew the truth. She’d chosen her path long ago, when she’d been young and loved foolishly. Her own choices had led her here, to this path she had to follow.
She had Mama. Nothing could change that. Not even love.
He tipped his hat, always a gentleman, and walked away from her for the last time.
She didn’t sleep that night while she lay in the trundle bed next to her mother. But neither did she dream.
Dawn came quickly and Linnea forced herself out of bed. She washed and changed, shivering in the cool morning air.
“Dotter, this is the day.” Mama pushed off the covers and sat up. “I cannot wait to get started. I dreamed all night that we missed the train!”
“We have hours yet before we have to be at the depot.” Linnea shivered into her clothes. “Let’s get you dressed since you’re in such a hurry. I know this will make you happy, Mama.”
“I thought you and the major might find romance, but I guess I was too eager, pushing you two together.” She shrugged her frail shoulders. “Maybe there will be a nice man in Oregon for you to marry. Eva says there is a good man who works in Frederick’s office who might be perfect.”
“Promise me, no matchmaking.” Linnea knelt to unbutton her Mama’s nightgown, tucking away her heartache. She helped her mother dress and escorted her to the table.
Aunt Eva was busy in the kitchen and had tea already steeping. Frederick stacked the trunks by the front door, his step echoing in the nearly empty room.
Only the furniture remained, pieces Claire’s uncle’s family had paid for.
Linnea grabbed the milk pail and headed for the door. There would be one more milking before Claire’s family took the livestock, too. One more morning in this place where she’d spent her entire life. This place where she would leave her heart.
She stepped out into the cool morning. A light frost glittered across the blades of grass and the fallen leaves. She closed the door and took two steps.
A splash of color on the worn porch board caught her eye. Sprigs of bluebonnets, perfect and fragile. Made of cloth and silk. From Mrs. Jance’s shop, she guessed.
Seth. She gazed down the road and through the grasses, but he was already gone. She gathered this last token and knew she would treasure it always.
In remembrance of the man who’d loved her.
* * *
“Uncle Seth, you’re goin’ the wrong way.” Jamie saw fit to inform him in the middle of town. “I gotta go to the mercantile. I lost my slate stylus and I hafta buy a new one.”
The train rumbled at the platform, westbound this morning, spewing a thick river of black smoke into the crisp air. Seth couldn’t look away from it. He didn’t see Linnea on the platform, so she had to be sitting in one of the cars. Maybe near a window, thinking of him.
He wanted to hop on that train more than anything. But the boy at his side needed him. He couldn’t go.
“Uncle Seth! I’m gonna be late.”
He snapped the reins, sending General into the traffic on Front Street. A whistle blasted and the train chugged forward on the tracks.
Taking Linnea from him. Taking everything that mattered.
* * *
“More rain! I had forgotten how much it can rain here at the end of January.” Mama chuckled from her rocking chair in the roomy parlor of their Oregon home, the calico curled up at her feet. “Look, my flicka. I have finished your dress. It only took me most of the winter!”
“It took you so long because you can’t see. That you can sew at all is a wonder.” Linnea left the quilt she was finishing as a thank-you gift for Mrs. Jance, and knelt at her mother’s side. “You do fine work, Mama.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it.” The stitches were so fine she could barely see them. Even the bits of ribbon and lace, the buttons and the buttonholes were perfect. “I’ll wear it to church on Sunday.”
“You put as much work into that dress as I did. Marking the seams. Cutting for me. Checking my basting. That was too much work! Now I will make the sunbonnet to match.”
“I will sew if you need it,” Aunt Eva volunteered from the sofa, her knitting needles clacking merrily. “Linnea, I have invited a young man to Sunday dinner. You might like him.”
“Not again.”
“This one has good table manners. Or, I think he does. Well, we can always hope he will not give us an embarrassing display of his digestive problems while we are enjoying dessert.”
Mama and Aunt Eva burst into endless giggles, like young schoolgirls. How good it was that they were together.
Linnea picked up her needle and knelt beside her quilting frame. Her thoughts wondered to Montana. It would be snowing. During the day, the prairie would sparkle beneath a bright winter sun. At night, the plains would glow black beneath a brooding sky and the mustangs would race the wind.
Had Seth managed to capture them? Her dreams turned to him as they always did. As they always would.
“Getting used to me, are you, girls?” Seth spoke low and charming to the mustangs that were brave enough to approach the corral fence. He pulled quartered apples from his coat pocket and tossed them through the rails.
The mares snatched the treats from the snow while the rest of the herd whinnied in protest.
“You’ll have to come closer if you want a treat,” he told the others.
The golden mare he and Linnea had saved from the barbed wire pushed close, demanding more apples with a shake of her head.
“Come closer and I’ll give it to you.”
The mare wasn’t sure about that and held her ground. It was a standoff Seth knew he’d win in time.
He’d captured over half the herd—the thirty-three mares and almost as many colts. It wasn’t a bad way to spend his time working with horses on the high Montana plains.
Except his life was nothing without Linnea.
Dusk fell early this time of year, when the winds howled from the north, driving snow. The cold cut through his clothes, chilling him to the bone. He finished forking hay for the horses and broke the ice on their water trough.
He headed for home, the claim shanty behind Ginny’s orchard. It looked as cold and lonely as he felt. He kicked off his boots on the front step.
“Seth?” Ginny appeared on the path. “Are you busy?”
“Just finished up with the horses. Come on in while I build up the fire.”
He grabbed his boots and walked through the dark shanty. At the stove, he dropped his boots to warm on the hearthstones and lit a match. Light from the wall lantern filled the room.
“What do you need me to do now?” He knelt in front of the stove and opened the door.
“I just thought you should know I secured a job in town today. I’ll be working at the front desk at the Bluebonnet Inn.”
“Good for you, Ginny.” He hid his surprise the best he could by stuffing wood onto the dying flames.
“I’ll be taking Jamie to school from now on since I’ll need to start work at eight.” She wrapped her arms around her waist, standing in the corner. “You look so sad. You could come have supper with us if you’d like. I made chicken and dumplings for Jamie. I know that’s your favorite, too.”
“Not tonight.” He appreciated the invitation, but nothing could fill the emptiness he felt. It would do no good to try. “I’ll have your mare hitched to the sleigh come morning.”
“All right.” She nodded, lingering. “You miss her.”
“I more than miss her.” He opened the damper and shut the door. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
“You were going to marry her. You were in love with her.”
“I still am.” He turned his back and took the coffee mill from the top shelf.
“I’ve never seen you this sad.”
“I’ll have your sleigh ready in the morning, Ginny,” he said sharply. “Goodbye.”
“I kept you two apart. She didn’t tell you that, did she?” Ginny came closer, the shame in her words as dark as the shadowed corners where no light shone. “When I found out that you were serious about her, I threatened her. I told her if she didn’t break off with you, I’d tell you about her past. I said you wouldn’t want a woman who’d had an illegitimate baby.”
“Ginny.” He slammed his fist on the table, pain slicing through him. “She had to bury that baby. You don’t know how it hurts to hold your lifeless child in your arms. It’s a pain that never leaves. Nothing can change it or ease it. What you did to her was cruel.”
“As cruel as what I did to you. I hate that you chose her, but she made you happy. I could see that in you, the brother I remember from long ago. I’m sorry, Seth.”
He nodded, holding back his anger and he shook with the force of it. “If I knew that at the time, I would have left. I’d have made sure you didn’t starve, but I wouldn’t have harvested your crop for you.”
“I know. That’s how I knew Linnea didn’t tell you. I said more things that weren’t true. She didn’t break up my marriage. I only said that because I wanted to be angry at someone.”
“Who are you angry with now?”
“Myself. I got a good look at Jamie today when I went to visit Sidney and stopped to watch him play in the schoolyard. His clothes are secondhand and his coat is patched.”
“There’s nothing wrong with handed-down clothes, Ginny.”
“I know, but I could do better for him. His father won’t, and that made me realize I’m taking my anger out on everyone and I’m neglecting my child.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you.”
“I know.” She touched the doorknob, ready to go, then hesitated. “Maybe you’ll find someone else to love one day. There are a lot of nice women in this town.”
She meant well, he figured, but she didn’t understand. Because she’d never been truly in love, never had her life changed by its beauty.
“They’ll be no other woman for me, Ginny. I intend to love Linnea for the rest of my life. Whether she’s here or not.”
Ginny opened the door and left him alone.