The end of the funeral came and went, with promises to keep in touch and polite refusals to go on to the wake afterwards. We all seemed to understand that our role in the day was done –the dutiful friends, who had probably known Stuart better than anyone else in the place. We waited as Stuart’s father, decked out in a suit that probably cost more than Chris’s car, made a short speech thanking everyone for coming and where to go on to next.
‘It was our fault,’ Alexandra said, her voice low and hardly audible. I heard it, as she made sure to whisper it in my ear. I turned to answer her, but she was gone. Walking away down the church path and towards the exit. I considered going after her, but I didn’t know what I would say to her if I did. It wasn’t like I could disagree with her.
Michelle had been as right as Alexandra was now. This was our fault. Her words still stung.
Michelle was a world away from the girl I’d known back when we younger. I remembered how no get-together had been without her constant soundtrack, how she would be smiling and singing, seemingly without a care in the world.
Now, she was different. As if the life had been sucked out of her. I wondered if we all looked the same to an outsider.
A macabre before and after photo shoot.
I shook hands with Stuart’s father in a daze, feeling the strength in his palms. His skin was brown like leather and he looked right through me, as if I wasn’t even there. I didn’t think any of us were for him. He was burying his son. Everything about that day was silent and invisible apart from that fact.
Alexandra left soon after. I didn’t see her go, which seemed right. I didn’t know if I’d see her again.
I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing for my sanity or not.
There was silence in the car, once we got back in again and Chris started the journey home. I fiddled with my tie for a while, before removing it and feeling like I could breathe again.
‘I should have slapped her,’ Nicola said, the irritation and annoyance coming off her like steam. ‘How dare she speak to us like that.’
‘She was just upset, that’s all,’ I replied, knowing there was no way I could calm Nicola down, no matter how hard I tried. ‘She didn’t mean it.’
Nicola snorted, then pulled out her phone, ending her involvement in the conversation, it seemed.
I shifted towards the centre of the backseat so I could speak to Chris a little better. ‘She didn’t look good, you know what I mean? Like there’s something more going on. Do you think she might possibly say something?’
‘About what?’
‘You know.’
‘Her and Stuart were close,’ Chris said, staring straight ahead at the road. The traffic was light at this time of day, a few hours before rush hour. ‘And there was no ending. I think she loved him more than we realised. It wasn’t just a simple friends with benefits thing between them. Getting that news probably brought back all those feelings. She’s going to need time. That’s all.’
‘Right, right,’ I replied, but I knew Chris was lying to me. He was worried about the way she’d been acting, but for some reason wasn’t willing to talk about it. ‘I was worried that it was something to do with what happened . . . you know?’
‘I don’t,’ Chris snapped back, and I could see his grip tighten on the steering wheel. Next to him, Nicola tensed up, but didn’t look up from her phone. ‘And now he’s gone, we never have to talk about it again, do we? We have to move on, right? We can’t change the past now. I wanted to say something at the time, remember? But none of you agreed. Now, it’s far too late. I know we’re all trying to ignore what might have driven him to take his own life, but we all know the reason. Let’s not dig around in the past and make it even harder on ourselves.’
‘I guess you’re right,’ I replied, turning away and staring out of the window at the passing countryside. ‘I was just worried about Michelle, that’s all.’
‘Yeah, well it’s unlikely we’ll see her again any time soon.’
The music was turned up and I could see Nicola’s jaw tensing as she continued to stare at her phone. I wondered if the two of them ever spoke about what happened. Whether they had gone back to a normal relationship since. Chris and I didn’t tend to talk about that side of his life all that much. Usually he was simply listening to my woes, rather than talking about his own. If he had any.
‘It was good to see Alexandra though,’ Nicola said, turning to Chris and smiling a little. ‘I’m guessing you thought the same?’
I shifted uncomfortably on the backseat. ‘I’m not so sure about that. Lot of water under that particular bridge.’
‘I’ve spoken to her a lot over the past few months. She always talks about you.’
‘Yeah, but that doesn’t really say all that much,’ I replied, shaking my head and pulling at a stray thread in my black trousers. ‘I’m sure Chris will have told you that I don’t talk about much else either. Doesn’t mean I think we will or should get back together.’
‘It took you a long time to get together in the first place. You had the few years in school, then it was what? Seven or eight years after we went to university?’
‘Something like that.’
‘And we all know you wanted to be with her for all that time in between. You love her.’
‘Sometimes love just isn’t enough.’
Chris smiled sweetly at Nicola, who reached across and squeezed the hand he had resting on the gearstick. ‘You’d be surprised what love can get you past.’
‘Yeah, well given what happened, I don’t think it’s surprising. Not all of us have what you two have.’
I was glad of the silence that followed. I didn’t want to think of Alexandra and me being failures for not being able to survive together. I caught Chris’s eye in the rear-view mirror and looked away.
‘Are we ever going to talk about it?’ I said, still looking out of the window. The words were out of my mouth before I thought about it and I could almost feel Nicola tensing again in the front passenger seat.
‘What’s there to talk about?’ Chris replied, the tone of his voice betraying him. ‘What’s done is done.’
‘Is it though? Especially after what’s happened now?’
Chris shook his head, shot a look towards Nicola who had buried her head into her chest and was breathing heavily. ‘It’s not a good idea to dredge up bad memories. Best we just get past it. Keep moving on.’
I clenched my jaw and placed the flat of my right palm against my thigh, moving with it as it bobbed up and down. I knew Chris wanted to talk about it more, but Nicola wouldn’t have any of it. I wondered how he had dealt with being involved in a murder – because that’s what it was – and never being able to talk about it. I could imagine Nicola wasn’t willing to share her own feelings at all. I thought about Chris, wanting to talk about what we had done but not being able to. I made a pact with myself that I would catch him alone and make sure he knew I would be willing to listen.
‘He’d been acting weird for a long time,’ Chris said finally, changing the subject a little, towards Stuart. ‘Even before . . . you know. He couldn’t settle. Was always bouncing from one job to the next. Travelling here and there. He wasn’t exactly the type to just have a normal job, a stable relationship, or a house of his own.’
‘You spoke to him more recently than me. How did he sound?’
Chris sighed, another glance askew towards Nicola. ‘He was hyper. I think he was on something, looking back at it now. This is with the knowledge we have now, of course. Could have been nothing, for all I know. Thinking about it, he wasn’t himself, that was for sure. Talking a mile a minute, like he was on coke or something.’
‘He had form for that,’ I replied, remembering the numerous times back in university when Stuart would still be the life and soul of any party. Even when the sun was coming up and everyone else was ready to stop. I could picture him instantly – jaw moving, eyes wide and his gums showing as he grinned wide. It was difficult to have a normal conversation with him in that state, but I remember the laughter. ‘It’s not like we’ve always been clean though. We did our fair share.’
‘Yeah, but that was a long time ago. We’ve all grown out of that now.’
I hummed a response, thankful that those days were behind us. Didn’t mean there was anything odd about Stuart possibly still dabbling. There had been enough moments in the past year when I’d felt like drifting away on some kind of high – leaving reality behind for a few minutes at least. It would make things easier to deal with for one.
‘Anyway, he wasn’t himself,’ Chris continued, slowing down at a junction carefully and craning his head forward to see that his path was clear before pulling away again. ‘I didn’t think much of it then, but I’ve been replaying that conversation over and over in my mind since.’
‘What was he saying?’
‘Nothing really. He was talking in circles. I tried to have a conversation with him, but it was pointless. Maybe it was a call for help? I don’t know. All I do know now is that I wished I’d listened more. Maybe asked the right questions? If I’d known what was on his mind, there’s a chance I could have done something, I think. He used to listen to me. Sometimes.’
‘I’m sure you did what you could,’ I replied, knowing it would never be enough for Chris. It wouldn’t be enough for any of us. We would all have to live with the knowledge that we could have done more for Stuart.
I pulled out my phone and finally did what I’d put off doing since I had found out about Stuart.
I googled the news reports and found the place where he had been found.