Ex-boyfriend at 3:00. I fumble with my lock. He walks closer. I try not to look like I’m looking at him, but I also try not to look like I’m not looking at him, if that makes sense.
Of course it doesn’t.
Ex-boyfriend at 2:30. I open my locker and stick my head completely inside. Maybe he won’t notice me, and he’ll just go away.
Yeah, right. He probably has my schedule tattooed on the back of his hand. Last month, I changed my locker and my lock because he broke in and left me flowers (white roses) for my birthday. It was beyond creepy.
I look around the side of my door. Ex-boyfriend at 1:00. Mayday! Mayday!
And … he’s … past me.
I realize I haven’t breathed in about a minute. I inhale quickly and exhale slowly, like I’m singing. I back away from my locker, all shaky. I can’t even remember what I came here to get. I close it and stand, pretending to rest my hand against a locker. Really, I’m looking to see if Nick’s still there, looking at me.
But he isn’t looking. He’s going around the corner. 9:00 … 8:00…
Nick gets to the end of the hallway and turns. Our eyes meet a second. Then he looks away. I start walking in the opposite direction …
… and bump right into my friend Peyton.
“’Sup, girlfriend?” Peyton says.
I answer, truthfully, “I don’t know.” I hope she didn’t see me looking at Nick.
No such luck. Peyton points to the corner Nick’s just disappearing around. “Omigod, was that Nick? Were you talking to him, Cat?”
I wince at Cat. That’s what Nick used to call me. My friends aren’t known for their sensitivity, and I know Peyton’s just looking for good gossip. Before Nick, I used to have real friends. But Nick made me dump them and just hang out with his friends, who were so fakey-perfect that staying friends with them was work. Now my old friends are mad at me for dumping them, and even though Nick’s friends took my side in the breakup, I still don’t know them that well—and they sure don’t know me. If I cop to looking at him, it will be all over school by lunch.
I shake my head. “Are you on crack? No. No!”
She shakes her head. “Right. Sure. Of course not. So, you going to the basketball pep rally, Friday?”
“Can’t. There’s a state competition for chorus in Tampa. We’ll be there all day.”
“God, I’d gouge my eyes out—missing important stuff for an elective. You should’ve taken driver’s ed instead of chorus. Can’t you just be sick that day?”
“I have a solo too.” One that I beat twelve other girls out for.
Peyton rolls her eyes. “You would. Will you be back in time for the game?”
“I really, really hope so.” Not a snowflake’s chance …
“You know, you’re not going to have time for that stuff if you make the squad next year. They expect you to be at every practice every game, unless you’re, like, dead or something. And even then, you’d better have a note from the mortician.”
Not a snowflake’s chance of that either. I’m not trying out for cheerleading squad. I wouldn’t make it anyway. I’m not what you’d call coordinated, and Peyton’s right. I’d have to give up chorus. Which is so not happening. But I haven’t figured out how to explain that to my friends. I know when I do, they’ll ditch me for sure.
“Look,” I say. “I’ve got to go to English. See you later.”
“Caitlin?”
I want to look at my watch. But that would be rude, and I have to be nice or I won’t have any friends at all. “What?”
“You’re not getting back with Nick, are you?”
“Are you kidding? No. I wish I never had to even see him again.”
I think that’s true.
Opera_Grrrl’s Online Journal
Subject: More about Nick
Date: April 7
Time: 4:01 p.m.
Feeling: Nervous
Weight: 116 lbs. this morning (Emergency!)
Days Since I Auditioned for Miami HS of the Arts: 25
No responses 2 my 1st entry, which proves no 1 is reading this. GOOD. I had this secret fear that every1 I ever met would magically figure out this was me!
Saw Nick in the hall 2day. He didn’t say anything 2 me, which I guess is good. Maybe he’s figured out that I’m not going 2 get back w/him.
Two weeks ago, he called me and asked me 2 meet him @ the beach.
What I can’t believe is: I didn’t say no. I said yes. I was dressed & out the door b4 I came 2 my senses. But part of me maybe wanted 2 go.
Nick was the only guy I ever loved .......... I liked him since 7th grade, only I wasn’t hot enough 4 him 2 notice then. He’s been part of my life always. And he was the only 1 I ever ....... did anything with. It’s hard 2 look at some1 you were so close 2 and say you’re never going 2 speak 2 him again. The world is different w/out him. I dated this other guy 4 a while, but it wasn’t the same.
After Nick & I broke up, even w/the restraining order, he followed me around, just far enough away that I’d look all paranoid if I said anything. I got hang-up calls 2. It wasn’t his number on the Caller ID, but I knew it was him, maybe from a pay phone.
Sad Truth: It’s flattering 2 think he still cares that much.
I feel him watching me in the halls. It’s when I watch back that worries me.
ON 2 ANOTHER TOPIC .......... I should be getting my letter from MHSA any day now ............ I auditioned there almost a mo. ago & they said they’d get us the letters “next month.” Next month means w/in 30 days, right? If they just meant sometime in April, I may die. OMGOMGOMG!
This makes me happy (I’m dying 2 find out if I got in!!!) but it worries me 2. Thing is I never told mom I was trying out b/c ................
• I wasnt sure if I wanted 2 go even if I do get in (I really might just want 2 know if I’m good enough)
• I’m not sure I’ll get in & I don’t even want her to know I tried out if I don’t get in.
But she’ll def. be mad I tried out w/out telling her, so I need 2 break the news gently if I get in.
So the way I’ve dealt w/this is ......... I’ve been running home the moment the bell rings at 2:43 ................ actually SPRINTING home would be a better word 4 it (you’d think I’d be losing major poundage) ....... knocking down unwary people in my path. Our mail gets delivered at 3 & mom’s home then b/c she sells real estate ............ so I’m out there waiting for our pruny old mailman like I’m hot 4 him .............
But on Fri. we have state chorus competition and I’ll be away when the mail comes. What if the letter comes then????????