In Bohème, Rodolfo loved Mimi. He was happy to hold her cold little hand, to light her candle, and stand in the dark, watching it flicker. Are there any guys like that in real life? Or is that why in the best operas, someone dies in the end? Because if they lived, they’d figure out that it’s not for real.
I watch Arnold’s taillights fade down the street and listen to Bohème. Musetta sings about how her beauty drives men mad. I know these characters better than I know anyone real.
I wish I was still at Sean’s apartment, singing “Parigi o cara.” Even helping Desi with her homework would be fun. I ended up staying another two hours and eating ramen noodles with them. I think about calling Sean. I know he’s awake. He’s always up late, judging from his e-mails. But it would be too weird to dump all my crap on him. We’ve only been friends a week.
I go online. I was going to write in my journal, but I start an e-mail instead.
Subj: Can’t sleep
Date: 10/15, 11:09 p.m., Eastern Standard Time
To: pippin725@micromail.net
From: Caitlinmcc@dslnet.com
I lied when I said I wasn’t friends w/those 2 girls. I *was* friends w/them before ..... but now I see that they just made me feel bad about myself ....... like I have 2 be on my best behavior around them & have my makeup & hair perfect & pull in my stomach & not eat 2 much .......... and def. NOT SING OPERA!!! They make me feel like my mother does .... I don’t know who I really am ......... when I was w/u 2day was 1 of the 1st times in a long time I didn’t feel like I was trying 2 be some1 else. Not 2 much anyway......
I can’t send that to him. It’s an atrocity. I delete it and start another one. I try to make it sound casual, spending five minutes coming up with an opera aria title that will fit the subject line—“Questa o quella.” This or that. I hope he gets it. I don’t know what to write, that will let him know I like him, without letting him know I LIKE HIM.
Subj: Questa o quella
Date: 10/15, 11:35 p.m., Eastern Standard Time
To: pippin725@micromail.net
From: Caitlinmcc@dslnet.com
Did Desi *ever* finish her homework? Will she get in trouble if she doesn’t? Will you? Thanks for helping me w/the song. Do you think we’ll be good 2gether (singing, I mean)? I’m listening 2 Bohème now. I wish I could go 2 Paris. I wish I was in Paris now, in a garret, w/a candle .......... Caitlin
I hit send before I can change my mind. I go to bed. The third act of Bohème begins on my headphones. Mimi’s death scene. I don’t fall asleep until it’s over. I cry. I always cry.
The next morning, there’s an e-mail from Sean.
Subj: Re: Questa o quella
Date: 10/16, 3:05 a.m., Eastern Standard Time
To: Caitlinmcc@dslnet.com
From: pippin725@micromail.net
Great subject line (I had 2 look it up online 2 know what it meant)! Desi did finish. I might have accidentally done some for her, but I used my left hand so it looks authentic. Going 2 bed now—gotta get my full 2 hrs. sleep. Paris sounds good 2 me 2. Maybe we’ll sing there someday 
WE WILL BE GREAT (SINGING) TOGETHER!!! *YAWN* S
Opera_Grrrl’s Online Journal
Subject: Sean
Date: October 29
Time: 10:45 p.m.
Listening 2: “L’amour est un oiseau” (“Love Is a Bird”) from Carmen
Feeling: Busy
Weight: 114 lbs.
Sean and I have been hanging out 2gether the past 2 weeks. A lot. Most days after school, we have rehearsals. But at least 1x a week, I go home w/Sean, help Desi w/her homework (a thankless task), practice, then eat ramen noodles & sometimes watch his dad, “Griff,” paint the walls. We always go 2 his house, but 2day after rehearsal, he said maybe we could practice at my place, since it’s closer.
I must have had a look on my face ......... a look that said I’d rather have honey dripped on my eyes & be placed in an ant farm than have him come over b/c he raised an eyebrow and said, “I understand.”
But the look on his face was like, I understand you don’t want me 2 meet your mother ...... so I said he didn’t understand. I didn’t want him 2 meet my mother b/c I didn’t want him 2 meet *her*, not the other way around.
Then I wanted 2 push the words back. He’d probably think I was a freak. But he nodded and said, “OK, my place it is.”
But on the way 2 his house, he told me about his own mom.
Griff, turns out, is Sean’s mother’s 2nd husband. She had Sean w/the 1st one, Desi w/some guy she met @ a party. Then she married Griff.
Sean says they were happy for *maybe* a year. Then his mom started not coming home nights. Even at 9, Sean knew what was up. Then 1 day, her things were gone. Griff told them, “It’s OK, dudes. You can hang w/me until she gets back.” That was 8 yrs. ago.
Sean says they’re happy, but he wonders if Griff could be a real artist instead of just a housepainter, if he didn’t have them around. So that’s why he tries 2 be superhuman, taking care of Desi, helping around the house, & doing every1’s homework. He wants 2 get a scholarship 2 U of M so he can go 2 school for free and still take care of Desi.
Sean says he thinks his crappy life has been a good thing because it’s taught him the tenacity (which means “persistent determination.” I looked it up) he needs 2 make it in the arts. “Some people aren’t willing 2 struggle,” he said. “They might quit the 1st time they have 2 wait tables. Me, I’m used 2 surviving.”
Wow. So after he was done, I told him the whole story of my life w/Mom and non-Dad (but not abt. Arnold!!!). No comparison 2 his. I mean, *my* mom’s not *on* anything. She’s just incredibly annoying. He said he bets I’m tenacious 2, since I’ve gotten 2 be really good w/o anyone encouraging me.
Maybe he’s right. I haven’t talked 2 my friends from Key in a long time.... I’ve been telling myself it’s b/c I don’t have time with rehearsals and everything, but it’s not just that. I’ve changed. I’m no longer Caitlin McCourt, mild-mannered cheerleader wannabe. Like Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne, I now have a stronger alter ego. I am Opera_Grrrl, defender of all things operatic!