Rowena corners me on the way out of her class Tuesday. “Did you talk to your mother?”
I know what she means. Did I talk to my mother about the summer opera program? The answer is no. No, I didn’t.
“Yeah. Yeah, I did. She said no.”
I don’t know why I didn’t ask, except that I just wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I want to just enjoy where I am for a while, and not have to leave. Still, I’m surprised when Rowena says, “Caitlin, are you sure you asked her?”
“What? Of course I did. What would make you say something like that?”
“Caitlin, I know that to some people, the idea of success can be as scary as failure.”
“What does that mean? That makes no sense.”
“I think it does. If you fail, that’s comfortable. Nothing changes, right? You can stay exactly where you are.”
“I don’t want to do that. That’s why I transferred schools. I wanted a change.”
“I know when your acceptance letter went out. I know you thought long and hard about whether to transfer. I doubt you would have if it hadn’t been for my pressure.”
I look away. “That was because my mother—”
“Your parents don’t support your dreams. Which makes it easy to sit back and say that you can’t do it. But there are people who have overcome worse adversity to make their dreams come true. It isn’t always easy or comfortable.”
I think of Sean again and what he said about tenacity. Am I un-tenacious because I don’t want to pick up and leave everything again—because I don’t want to go someplace where I might not be that talented? “I don’t expect it to be easy.”
“I hope not, because it won’t be. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It just means you have to want it. And you have to want it more than anything else.”
“I do want it. Really, my mother said no. I’m sorry you don’t believe me.”
Rowena relents. “Okay, I’m sorry. Do you think it would help if I talked to her?”
“No!” I look over at Gigi, who’s waiting for me near the door. “I mean, no, I don’t think so.” I’m lying like the proverbial rug now. “My mom … we’ve been having some problems. Money stuff. She says I need to get a job over the summer.”
“Oh, I see.” Rowena looks surprised. Finances aren’t usually a problem in our neighborhood.
I say, “But if there’s something near here, I could go during the day and work nights.”
“Okay.” Rowena pats my hand. “We’ll find something wonderful for you to do this summer. Don’t worry.”
I head for the door, not looking at Rowena.
“What’d she want?” Gigi asks, when I get into the hall.
“Oh, nothing. There’s just a lesson I need to reschedule.”
Opera_Grrrl’s Online Journal
Subject: Lies
Date: December 1
Time: 8:14 p.m.
Feeling: Confused
Weight: 115 lbs.
I lied 2 Rowena .......... Mom might have said no, but she might have said yes 2, since she just sold a house (an expensive 1 around here) and has some $$, and also b/c it would give her more time 2 play kissy-face w/Arnold ............ & now, of course, there’s not the whole issue of a relationship with Sean. But ................ I don’t know. The idea of sending a tape & then waiting 2 see if I get rejected just sort of makes me feel sick .......... not 2 mention having 2 go someplace new 4 the whole summer. New place, new people. It was hard enough coming here, and now I just sort of got used 2 it & am happy w/where I am.
Rowena thinks I’m afraid 2 try 2 be successful. That’s just crazy. Who fears success???? I want 2 be successful. Why wouldn’t I??? I just want 2 be successful here ............ for a while.