Up to this point I have tried to address both someone who has fallen out of love and their partner at the same time. However, this is where a couple with ILYB issues can end up in two very different camps: one partner needs to talk and get feelings off their chest; the other is in shock. So I have divided the chapter in half, starting with making the confession and then moving on to how best to react.
‘At Sunday lunchtime I’ll be sitting round the table with my family; my body is there but I wish I were somewhere else,’ explains Grant, a forty-five-year-old building society manager. ‘My wife is laughing and the kids are talking ten to the dozen. The whole thing should be perfect. I love my kids to bits and Jill and I rub along fine, but I feel so alone. Sometimes she’ll catch me thinking; she calls it my ‘faraway face’: “What’s up?” “Nothing darling.” How can I tell her that inside I’m dying?’
Many people with ILYB hold back. They instinctively know that there are few things more devastating than learning that someone has fallen out of love with you. Yet having these feelings trapped inside is also extremely painful.
So what can be done? The first instinct of most ILYB sufferers is to hope something will change: ‘I’ll feel different after the summer holiday/Christmas/moving house …’ Add your own example to the list. But this kind of bargaining seldom provides more than temporary relief. In some of the cases I have counselled as many as ten years have elapsed between first doubts and the final confession. Normally the gap is between three and five years.
How do you know it is time to talk? A sure sign is the growing tension between negative feelings inside and superficially pleasant behaviour on the outside. Once someone reaches this stage they start snapping and their partner feels as if he or she is walking on eggshells. Grant wished he had come clean before his marriage got bogged down in pettiness: ‘I hated myself because I’d pick, pick, pick all the time: how much noise she made in the bathroom in the morning; the way she’d sing in the shower; the way she’d turn her handbag out to look for a mint. A thousand and one things that had never bothered me before all made me seethe. I was like a bear with a sore head and I knew that if I didn’t say something soon we wouldn’t even be friends any more.’ ILYB is difficult enough without loading the situation with unnecessary animosity.
For some people a strong attraction to someone at work or a friendship that is in danger of crossing the line is the catalyst for an ILYB confession. Daniel, a forty-eight-year-old compliance manager, found himself drawn to a female colleague. ‘The weekends seemed grey and endless at home,’ he explained. ‘When my heart started racing on Monday morning, as I chose clothes that I hoped she would like, I knew I had to do something.’ Daniel had been suffering with ILYB for three years but had said nothing for fear of hurting his wife. ‘I knew that an affair was almost inevitable. If not then, certainly a few years down the line. What would hurt my wife more: telling her how I felt or cheating on her?’ Even when ‘nothing has happened’ it is better to make a full confession and explain how serious the problem has become.
Once you have decided to confess there is no right or wrong way to go about it. Some people prefer to set up a rendezvous. This has the advantage of committing a couple to talking but it could worry the partner who is ignorant of the true nature of the conversation. Another option is to secretly stage-manage the confession: make sure the children are out and that there are no likely distractions, then spring the discussion on the other half. This cuts out the chance of the partner worrying in advance – and conjuring up some life-threatening illness – but risks him or her interrupting, pleading work pressures or asking for a rain check. The third alternative is to wait for an appropriate opening, such as when the other half asks what is wrong. The topic comes up naturally but this option can easily become an excuse for putting off the confession – indefinitely. For this reason I would recommend setting a time limit on waiting for an opening.
A few words of general caution: don’t bring up ILYB in anger, after a couple of drinks or during an argument; avoid Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries (otherwise these dates will always bring back memories of the confession); although neutral places – like restaurants – can provide good forums in which to talk, avoid old favourites as this can taint a partner’s previously happy memories. Whatever the choice, set aside plenty of time to talk: your partner will want to go over everything again and again. In most cases the confession will be the start of a series of conversations.
The most important element in the ensuing discussions is to be 100 per cent honest. Some people with ILYB try to spare their partner’s feelings by releasing the bad news bit by bit. This strategy will not only destroy trust but also magnify the pain. Frank, a fifty-eight-year-old service manager, did not put all his cards on the table straight away. He had met Christina relatively late and, without the distraction of children, they had been able to dedicate plenty of time to their shared interests: classical music concerts, theatre and walking. Frank knew Christina would be shattered even by the thought of divorce so he led her to hope that their marriage could be saved. She started cutting out helpful articles but he would not read them. Eventually she confronted Frank and he told her the truth. ‘I’m not a little girl who’d been promised a pony,’ said Christina. ‘It was so demeaning and for the first time in our marriage I found I couldn’t believe what he told me.’
Other people with ILYB are often economical about what, in their opinion, has gone wrong with the relationship. ‘I thought it was kinder not to tell him just how miserable I felt. Why grind his face in it?’ explains Sheila, a forty-four-year-old care worker. ‘Would it really have helped if he knew that I didn’t think he pulled his weight, leaving me to earn most of the money; that I thought he was selfish in bed and how he sometimes bored me?’ None of these things are easy to hear, but keeping them back robs a partner of the opportunity to change. As discussed before, avoid damning a partner’s character when communicating criticism and concentrate on the particular unwanted behaviour and how it makes you feel. For example, Sheila could say, ‘I need more foreplay,’ rather than, ‘You’re a lazy lover.’ Even when badly phrased, the truth is always preferable to kindly intended lies.
In other cases the person with ILYB tries to be straightforward but their partner chooses to minimise the confession, either by dismissing it outright or putting the most optimistic spin possible on it. In these circumstances I recommend finding an alternative way of delivering a message – for example, write a letter or send an email. (For more advice on the clearest and the kindest way of communicating difficult feelings see the three-part statement in Chapter Five.)
What if there is someone else involved? An affair makes an ILYB confession a hundred times more complicated. Has the affair undermined the primary relationship? Did problems in the primary relationship cause the affair? It is a real chicken-and-egg situation: very difficult to unravel even years afterwards and impossible under stress. However much ILYB is a contributing factor, the ‘innocent’ partner will be primarily concerned with the betrayal. Therefore it is best to confess to the affair first and leave the ILYB until the initial shock has worn off. When the other partner is ready he or she will want to know what caused the affair and this is the moment to talk about ILYB.
What happens after the initial confession? You will probably feel a short burst of relief: at last your secret is out in the open and the pretence has finally stopped. However, once your partner’s shock wears off, be prepared for him or her to turn angry, sad or even to take on all the blame. The next few days will be full of drama and on many occasions your preconceptions about each other will be challenged. This will be tough but ultimately it can be an opportunity to grow together. Sheila expected her partner, Robert, almost to roll over and play dead: ‘It was such a shock because all his resentments came tumbling out: how I’d used my bigger salary to dictate what we could and couldn’t afford; how demanding I’d become; how I wouldn’t listen. He was a lot tougher than I thought and, although what he said made me angry, you know something? I started to admire him again.’
Sometimes the ILYB confession can be a prelude to reconciliation, especially where one partner feels that previous attempts to rescue the relationship have been ignored. Jennifer had been unhappy with Bob, a construction worker, for many years and felt that she was bringing up their two sons alone. ‘Every time I tried to talk he just shut off. It was like an invisible barrier dropped down in front of his eyes,’ she explained. ‘I thought I could carry on for the sake of the boys but one morning I just snapped.’ Unlike in most ILYB relationships, Jennifer had to put up with a lot of abusive language and on some occasions Bob would punch the wall. ‘I had to explain that I cared deeply for Bob but I didn’t love him any more,’ she said. ‘I think he would have found it easier if I’d told him I hated him.’ However, the news galvanised Bob into action. Within a week he had arranged individual counselling. ‘I don’t like the person I’ve become either,’ he told me. Jennifer didn’t know what to do. Could she really trust Bob to change? The first month was the most difficult, but once the truth was out in the open Jennifer and Bob found they could talk honestly and began to negotiate.
Generally I am not in favour of these, especially in the first few weeks after the confession when there is a lot to discuss. However, some people find it easier to think away from the pressures of family life, and in the words of many of my clients: ‘Maybe if I’m away I’ll find that I miss him/her.’ Certainly the space allows each partner to unravel which issues belong to them personally and which to the relationship.
• Your partner will probably be against the idea, fearing that it is the first step towards permanent separation. Even if you have no clear idea of how long you need to be apart, try to give an estimate. A tightly defined separation – with clear goals – will seem less threatening than something open-ended. One of my clients went away for a long weekend while another chose six months. Most couples settle on somewhere between one and three months.
• What about the children? Obviously a lot depends on their age and for how long the parent is going away. On the one hand, if reconciliation is possible, it seems tough to worry them unnecessarily. But on the other, studies into the long-term impact of divorce show that children suffer most when marital break-up comes out of the blue. Generally children pick up on the atmosphere in the house and the worry of not knowing is worse than having all the facts.
• It is best to tell the children about a trial separation together. This act of physical togetherness underlines that you will continue to co-operate as parents whatever the future brings. Children often process emotional issues through very practical concerns; for example, ‘Will Daddy be here for my birthday?’ Before talking to the children, think through the separation and how it will impact on them. In this way you will already have an agreed plan. Most children need time to digest the information, so expect this to be the first of several conversations.
• When should the temporary separation start? Look at your diary and negotiate how to deal with joint social occasions over the next month. Should you cancel them? Should you still attend together, even though you are temporarily separated? Should just one partner attend? Or should you wait until a certain event has passed before starting your temporary separation?
• Start to discuss the day-to-day practicalities. Where will you live? What contact should there be during the temporary separation? It is important to plan some time together to talk and take stock during your break – maybe even a date? In this way, there is the potential to court each other again.
‘It was like strolling along a quiet street on a sunny summer afternoon: a nice neighbourhood with well-tended lawns, kids playing and men washing cars. When out of nowhere a car came hurtling round the corner, mounted the pavement and knocked me down. As it flipped me in the air and my face hit the tarmac, I noticed my husband was driving the car. Why was he doing this to me?’ This is how Margaret, who had been married for seventeen years, described the impact of hearing her husband confess, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ Just like in a car crash, she felt shocked, disorientated, confused and very frightened. She kept thinking, ‘There must be some mistake,’ and, ‘What do I do now?’ But, unlike in a road-traffic accident, there was no ambulance on the way and nobody to offer a cup of sugary tea.
Although the situation may seem bleak there is one enormous positive: all the relationship problems are now out in the open. The work of finding a way back to loving attachment can begin. But first you need to cope with the fallout from the ILYB confession. After a crash the first step is to walk round the car and assess the damage. The same goes for hearing that your partner does not love you. Firstly, is he or she telling the truth? When a couple have been dating/seeing each other for only a few months one partner can try to break off the relationship by using ILYB. These partners hope it will soften the blow, partly because they do not want to hurt their date and partly to ease their own guilt. To be brutal, it is doubtful if these people know the true meaning of love and all their previous declarations should be taken with a heap of salt.
The second set of circumstances in which ILYB can be a handy cover-up is when one partner is having an affair. These people think bad news is better broken in stages. ‘I thought that he wouldn’t get so angry if I held back on the affair for a couple of days,’ explained Jill, a thirty-eight-year-old fitness instructor, ‘because my lover was not the cause of our problems, just a symptom.’ Often with celebrity break-ups the couple will deny that anybody else is involved but a few days later one half will be caught out by a photographer with a long lens. The partner is left doubly betrayed, firstly by the cheating and then by the lying. In other cases there is no affair but the partner is indulging in an ‘inappropriate friendship’ – either over the Internet or with flesh-and-blood colleagues at work. Here are a few questions to uncover an inappropriate friendship:
• Are you talking on a personal level with someone else?
• Are you calling or emailing someone just to chat?
• Have you been out for lunch or a quick drink after work with someone?
• Is anyone becoming more than a friend?
• Have you touched anyone in an intimate way?
Having satisfied yourself about the facts behind ILYB, the next job is to find some first aid. Speak to a member of your family or a long-term friend who will listen and sympathise rather than take charge. Some partners who have been told ILYB feel disloyal confiding in others. However, the road back to a healthy relationship can be long and arduous, so good support is vital.
Often, in an attempt to gain control of an out-of-control situation, the dumped-on will magnify their weaknesses and promise to change overnight. When Tony told Maria ILYB he also confessed that he was unhappy with their sex life. She jumped on this scrap of information, read a million books and promised a better future. Maria was truly in overdrive, overwhelming Tony with love and hoping to win him back. For fear of embarrassing Tony in front of their friends, Maria kept her problems to herself. Although thoughtful, this decision proved to be counter-productive. Her friends would have stopping her from taking all the blame and humiliating herself. Remember the first of my Three Laws of Relationship Disputes (see Chapter Three): All arguments are ‘six of one and half a dozen of the other’. Tony needed to take the blame for not speaking up sooner and also accept some responsibility for their inadequate sex life.
After assessing the damage and getting support, the third part of recovering from hearing ILYB is to get angry. After a brief burst of fury many people who have been dumped on get weepy, or too nice and too forgiving, and many try to minimise the news. Although shock and denial are natural responses to a catastrophe – and that’s no understatement for something that puts relationships, families and homes at risk – these reactions stop a couple from really addressing the problem. In contrast, anger will bring issues, concerns and desires to the surface. It also shows your partner that you care, take the problems seriously and really wish to work on your relationship. Without anger the gut instinct is to reassure – ‘It’ll be all right’ or ‘I’ll try harder’ – just the sort of ‘nice’ but passionless response that drained all the love out of the relationship in the first place. If you are having trouble accessing your anger, either speak to a supportive friend/family member or look at the ‘Unable to Get Angry?’ exercise at the end of this chapter.
Next on the agenda: begin thinking about the changes that you would like. This surprises many clients who would rather keep the spotlight on their partners. Maria was particularly reluctant to talk about her issues: ‘If I tell him my problems he’ll think the situation is hopeless. No, I’ve got to concentrate on the positive.’ But this can easily be seen as dismissing the crisis or – even worse – not really listening. After some prompting Maria began to think about her needs too. ‘Tony keeps himself to himself; I don’t know what he’s thinking of half the time,’ she explained. ‘When he doesn’t share his feelings with me I don’t really feel like sharing my body with him.’ Finally both Maria and Tony had something concrete to aim for that could improve their loving attachment. Their relationship began to turn around. Tony would chat about his day on his return from work, while Maria would try one of the tips from her magazine – for example, keeping good eye contact during their lovemaking (rather than closing her eyes or turning her head away). The following week Maria and Tony came back with smiles on their faces. He had talked and she had looked, and both felt more intimate with one another than they had for years.
The plan worked for Tony and Maria because it had fulfilled three basic requirements:
• The needs had been expressed as a positive. When you tell your partner, for example, ‘You don’t talk to me’, it doesn’t matter how nicely you put it – he or she will hear this as a criticism. The natural response to criticism is either to get defensive or to attack. However, a positive request – such as, ‘I’d really like to understand more about your job’ – invites a positive response.
• They had asked for something concrete. Some requests, even though they are positive, fail because the other partner has no real idea where to start. For example: ‘I’d like us to spend more time together’ is fine, but how long, how often and what will the couple do? Contrast this with, ‘I’d like us to walk the dog together on Saturday morning.’
• It had been small and easy to do. Instead of offering something ambitious, like a new position for intercourse or sexy lingerie, Maria had agreed to something she knew would be achievable: keep her eyes open during lovemaking. Instead of intimate chats about love and where the relationship was going, Tony had agreed to talk about something more neutral: his work.
For more about setting positive goals, see ‘Accentuate the Positive’ in the exercise section.
• Obviously it is easier to work on the relationship if the two of you are under the same roof, so be certain that your partner is determined to leave rather than just floating the idea.
• Unfortunately it is impossible to keep someone at home who is determined to leave, and resisting the inevitable will soon become counter-productive. Instead of the focus being on your partner’s ILYB it switches to your ‘unreasonable behaviour’.
• I know it is tough, but agreeing to a trial separation puts you in a stronger bargaining position than if your partner just walks out in exasperation. So give the break your blessing, but first ask for a month together to absorb the news and work through some of The Seven Steps… ‘When Frank first told me about the temporary separation I was heartbroken, and I must admit I did everything to stop him, including using emotional blackmail,’ Christina confessed. ‘Ultimately I couldn’t change his mind. OK, he stayed, but he was miserable and certainly it wasn’t going to make him better disposed towards me. If I loved him – which I do with all my heart – I had to let him try.’ This act of generosity helped Frank and Christina find a compromise: a temporary separation but one during which they saw a lot of each other.
• Look at the practicalities: Where will your partner go? What choices would be acceptable? What would be unacceptable? How often will you meet up? My advice would be to ask for at least one ‘date’ a week – by this I mean a couple of hours doing something pleasurable, just the two of you. If you have children, build in opportunities to meet as a family. How often should there be telephone contact and under what circumstances? Don’t wait until the month together is up to start discussing the practicalities – particularly somewhere else to live – as this will help your partner realise your ‘blessing’ is genuine.
• Spell out all the ‘rules’ of engagement so there is no room for misunderstanding. I have counselled cases where one partner believed that he was free to see other people while his partner thought they were still working on the relationship. If both parties have a clear understanding of the temporary separation this kind of bitterness can be avoided.
• How long should the trial separation be? There are no hard or fast rules but it will make the time apart easier if you know the duration. Your partner will probably be unable to give any idea how long he or she needs. If your partner is particularly hard to pin down I would advise you to suggest a possible duration – for example, three months. Most people will reply either ‘not that long’ or ‘I’ll need more than that’. Keep going until you have found a possible duration to discuss. Your partner might still be resistant to a fixed period and indeed it is hard to predict how either of you will feel. So view the end of a trial separation as an appointment for an in-depth discussion rather than a definitive decision on whether to try again or split up. ILYB needs time and it is always better to renegotiate a longer break than to force the issue too quickly.
• All is not lost. The ideas in this book can still be used on the occasions when you have contact – in particular see Chapter Nine, The Theory of Tipping Points.
• Keep the lines of communication open. My advice is to try the opposite of what you did before, as this will bring some fresh air to the situation. If you’ve always talked at home, go out to a coffee shop. If you’ve talked in restaurants have a take-away. In fact, do anything that will change the old dynamic.
• It is important not to go into overdrive and push your partner further away. Read the advice in the next chapter (Coping Day to Day) before attempting any of the relationship rescue strategies.
Think back to past bad news that you had to give or hear. Maybe you told an employee that he or she was being made redundant, or perhaps you were on the receiving end of such news? Perhaps when you were young your parents split up, or you can remember them telling you about a grandparent’s death? If you are gay or lesbian, what about coming out to your parents? Write down all the things that made it easier to break unexpected news or to hear it; next think of everything that made the experience more painful. This will give you a list of dos and don’ts, and although these are not accurate predictors for your confession this process can help you prepare.
Generally it is easier to say what we don’t want than to ask for what we do want. That’s why, when trying to make things better with our partners, we end up either complaining or simply describing the problem.
1 Look at these typical complaints and see if you can turn them into a positive, then find a request for a small but concrete goal. (Some possible answers can be found in the Appendix at the back of the book.)
• Why do I always have to clear up?
• Will you stop mauling me?
• You never initiate sex.
• You’re always hanging out with your friends.
• I hate it when you avoid me.
• You are way too critical.
• Why can’t you lighten up?
• Why didn’t you phone me?
• You do nothing with the kids.
• Isn’t it about time you fixed the hall light?
2. Thinking of your complaints about your partner, write down the top three and turn them into positive requests: what you want rather than what you don’t want. If you can’t find a concrete goal, ask yourself: How will I know when this goal has been achieved?
Examples
Complaint: You sulk to get your own way.
Positive Request: Please tell me outright when you disagree.
How will I know when this has been achieved? When we can happily go shopping together.
Concrete goal: Let’s choose the new taps for the kitchen together.
Complaint: I’m always the driving force.
Positive Request: Don’t leave all the decisions to me.
How will I know when this has been achieved? When my partner arranges a night out.
Concrete goal: Actively planning a holiday together.
If you find yourself being ‘too nice’ to someone who has told you ILYB, here is a list of my top seven anger prompts. Write the ones that apply to you on a card and keep them handy at all times. Next time you feel weepy or depressed, this card will provide a shot of anger to keep you going.
1 He/she told me that he/she doesn’t love me any more.
2 She/he has kept these feelings to her/himself for ages.
3 He/she has put our relationship at risk.
4 What is the impact on our children/friends/families?
5 I feel I am putting more effort into saving this relationship than her/him.
6 What gave him/her the right to reject me?
7 He/she might want to see other people. How will I cope with that?
Can you think of three more personal anger prompts? Even if it is something that seems petty: ‘After I spent my mother’s inheritance on buying him a new car,’ or, ‘After all the girls’ nights I picked her up at three in the morning.’ Don’t try to rationalise the feelings. Write them down on your card.