Dex sat on the couch at home in the dark with Panda on her lap. She’d been successful at keeping Emma out of her thoughts while she was working, but all her distractions were gone now. She glanced out the plate-glass windows spread across the front of the house. The glow of Christmas lights had begun to light the room. She stared at the magical hues she’d loved since childhood and thought about how the day had played out. She’d already replayed it too many times in her head, and she didn’t know how their relationship had disintegrated in so little time. Panda purred as Dex rubbed under her ears.
Everything had been wonderful Sunday morning when she’d left Emma’s house. She’d been so happy to see her when she’d showed up at the job site, then totally stunned at the emotional bombshell Emma had dumped on her. And she’d been even more surprised at herself for not having the courage to tell Emma how she felt about her. The more she thought about watching her drive away, the more it hurt.
Knowing how much Emma was hurting and that she’d caused it magnified the pain in her heart a thousand times. She’d watched the emotions play out in Emma’s face as she’d gone from thoughtful, to curious, to intensely sober, and then, in a flash, detached—all in the span of ten minutes. Seeing the tears flow down her cheeks had sliced right through Dex, and she couldn’t do anything to fix the situation. She couldn’t think of any way to ease her pain until she fully purged her feelings for Grace and put the loyalty she held for her in its proper place.
Emma was right. Dex hadn’t given her heart to her completely because she was terrified of being hurt again. She’d created a wall to prevent her heart from being smashed to pieces like it had been when she’d given it to Grace so long ago. Any smart girl would’ve distanced herself from Grace right then.
She took her phone out of her pocket and stared at the voice mail she’d received from Grace during the middle of her conversation with Emma. Her fucking timing was ridiculous. She still hadn’t listened to it and slid it onto the side table. She was going to have to deal with her, but she couldn’t do it right now.
The front door flew open and Panda scattered. “Dex, are you home?” Juni asked as she hustled inside. “I brought pizza.”
“I’m here,” she said softly from her place on the couch.
“Why is it so dark in here?” Juni flipped on the lights, and Dex blinked to adjust to the brightness. “Have you just been sitting there since you called me?”
“Yeah.” She hadn’t known what else to do.
Juni dropped the pizza box on the kitchen counter, took her coat off, and hung it on the back of the kitchen chair before she came into the living room. “Fuck, Dex. You haven’t even changed your clothes yet.”
“Didn’t feel like it. No reason to.”
“Oh, honey. It can’t be that bad. What happened?”
“Emma told me yesterday that she doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
“What? Just like that? She didn’t give you a chance to talk?”
She shook her head.
Juni flopped on the couch next to her. “Then why don’t you march right back over there and tell her how you feel?”
“Because I don’t know how I feel. Maybe she’s right.”
“Jesus, Dex. Don’t you think you should’ve thought about that before you made her fall in love with you?”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious. That makes me feel a whole lot better.” She launched off the couch. “What kind of pizza did you bring?”
“Hold on a minute.” Juni launched off the couch as well and followed her. “I need more details.”
Dex took a couple of beers from the refrigerator, opened them, and handed one to Juni. She leaned against the counter and took a long pull before she told Juni what Emma had said to her, fighting to keep her emotions under control as she recited the events. When she lost the battle, Juni rounded the counter and took her in her arms.
“I’ve never encouraged Grace’s neediness. Have I?”
“You haven’t encouraged it, but you haven’t rejected it either.”
She swiped at her tears. “Explain.”
Juni backed out of Dex’s personal space and propped herself against the adjacent counter. “Here’s the thing, Dex. If I were Emma and you were a guy, I would’ve left you in the dust a long time ago.” Juni had her attention now. “You can’t be in love with Emma and still jump every time Grace calls.”
“I don’t do that.”
“Yes, you do. Enough so that it came between you and Emma.” Juni paced across the room. “Grace has you so fucked up, you may be permanently damaged. Too damaged for any other woman. I have to give Emma credit. She tried.”
“That fucking blunt gene you have that comes along with the sister gene sucks.”
“I know it does. But you need it right now. Everyone at Grace’s wedding saw how devastated you were, including Emma. Yet she took care of you, left you sweet little notes in the morning. Remember?”
Dex closed her eyes. “I do.”
“Has Grace ever done anything like that for you?”
“Not like that, but she’s always been there when I needed her.”
“You have to know by now that she’s never going to be that person for you.” Juni poked a finger into Dex’s chest. “That person is Emma. You know you’ve made a big fucking mistake by letting Grace interfere. I can see it in your eyes right now.”
She lifted her shoulders and let them drop. “So what do I do?”
“You wait a few days. Emma’s going to miss you.” She ripped a few paper towels from the rack and snagged a slice of pizza from the box. “In the meantime, you have to tell Grace that Emma comes first. Set the boundaries, Dex, or she won’t ever stop.” She held the slice in front of Dex, and she waved her off. “You work out in the cold all day. You have to eat.” She took Dex’s hand and put the slice in her palm.
She blew out a breath and took another pull on her beer. “That’ll be a challenge.”
Juni chuckled. “At best. But you can’t beg forgiveness from Emma until you’ve taken care of the problem.” She grabbed another slice of pizza from the box and settled into a stool at the counter.
“And Grace is the problem.”
Juni shook her head. “Not just her. You’re in this one up to your eyeballs.”
“I’ll call Grace tomorrow and take care of it.” Dex took a bite of the pizza and her stomach rolled. She tossed it back into the box.
* * *
Grace rushed through the front door at Dex’s house. “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t get your message right away, couldn’t find my phone.” She held it up before she dropped it into her purse, which she set on the end table. “Damn thing slid between the cushions on the couch.”
Thinking maybe there was something to what Emma and Juni had said, Dex had called Grace. She needed to prove to herself that nothing was there, that she’d let go of her feelings for Grace. She also needed to set boundaries.
“I thought you were seeing Emma tonight.”
“I thought I was too. She wants to take a break.”
“Oh? Why?” Grace’s voice rose. She was putting on a very good show.
“It just feels like we’re going too fast, that’s all.” She didn’t want to go into the whole reason with Grace because Grace was the reason.
“Sounds like she’s having commitment issues.”
She flopped onto the couch and put her feet on the coffee table. “Maybe.” One of us certainly is.
Grace pushed Dex’s feet from the coffee table and sat next to her. “You know I hate that.”
“Sorry. I forgot.” It wasn’t like it was her house.
“You’re going to miss her, aren’t you?” Grace’s voice was soft and comforting as she sat on the couch next to Dex and rubbed her back.
“Actually, I am.” It had only been a few days, and she’d already wanted to call her a hundred times. “You don’t have to make it sound so permanent.”
“Sorry. I wasn’t trying to. You’ve just been spending so much time with her.” She took her hand away. “Sometimes things can get overwhelming. Maybe a break is the best thing.” She dropped against the couch cushions. “I could certainly use one from Brent right now.”
“What?” Dex snapped her head around. “You’ve only been married for, what, three months?”
“Almost four, and it’s not like we weren’t together before the wedding. Now that he’s moved in with me, he’s turned out to be a totally different person.” She sighed. “He’s kind of a slob, and since I only work part-time, he expects me to do everything around the house. And he’s totally obsessed with money all of a sudden. Save, save, save, that’s all he talks about. I like having the things I have and buying things when I want.”
It appeared the conversation was going to be about Grace again, as usual. “This isn’t new. You told me this before. Have you talked to him about it?”
“I tried, but somehow he always makes me forget what I’m trying to say.”
“You mean, you have sex, and then everything’s great.”
She nodded. “I don’t know why that happens. It’s not like that’s perfect. I don’t even think about him when I masturbate.”
“Wow.” That was a whole lot of too much information.
She shifted toward Dex. “Is that weird?”
Dex shifted in her seat. “Kinda.”
“What do you think about?” Grace asked the question with such nonchalance, Dex was caught off guard.
“Um, I think about getting off.” Until recently, she used to think about Grace, but she’d pushed those thoughts out of her mind the moment she’d started seeing Emma. Emma. She took in a deep breath, and that thought rang in her head.
“You don’t think about Emma?”
The lump in her throat that had just begun to subside returned. I think about Emma all the time. “No. I don’t think about her or anyone else.” Not anymore. That would only make it take longer. “What do you think about?” It was a bad idea to ask, but Grace was going to tell her anyway. Because Grace shared everything with Dex.
“Sometimes Brent. Sometimes the guy who works out across from me at the gym. Sometimes you.” Her voice rose at the end of her sentence like it was a delightful afterthought.
What the fuck? “Me? Seriously?” She’d never shared that nugget with Dex before.
Grace looked at her hands before she glanced up at Dex. “Sure. Haven’t you ever thought about it? With me?”
She was way too close for this conversation. “Uh…not lately.” Dex slid farther into the couch. “You’re married now.”
“But you have thought about it, right?” Grace stared at Dex, clearly waiting for an answer.
“What the hell is going on with you, Grace?” She twisted sideways and pulled her leg onto the couch between them. “Aren’t you happy with Brent?”
Grace dropped her head against the couch and stared at the ceiling. “I am happy for the most part. But I miss hanging out with you.”
“So you want to sleep with me and fuck up your life?”
“No.” Grace shook her head. “I didn’t say that, but I really have thought about you.” She sighed. “If it were only possible to have your personality in Brent’s body.”
Dex threw a hand up in front of her. “Stop. Now.” She bolted from the couch and crossed the room. “There will be no more of this kind of talk.” She went into the kitchen, took a beer out of the refrigerator, eyed it, put it back, and grabbed a soda. No alcohol tonight, not after that bombshell conversation. This was not at all the way she’d seen this night going. It was supposed to be the exact opposite. She busied herself in the kitchen making a salad and trying to settle her thoughts back to normal. The doorbell rang, and she thanked God that he’d created pizza-delivery guys. When the evening had started, Dex hadn’t expected anything like this, not in a long shot.
* * *
When Grace got home, Brent was on the couch, filthy feet on the coffee table, watching the game. Forget the fact that she’d asked him a gazillion times not to do it. She ignored him and went upstairs. Other thoughts were circling in her head at the moment that she had to deal with.
She undressed, put on her nightshirt, and crawled into bed. Maybe Emma was right. Maybe she was fucked up. She had definitely stepped over the line tonight by purposely making Dex think she’d fantasized of her in ways other than friendship, that there might be something more between them, but there couldn’t be. The shock on Dex’s face was unmistakable. Her stomach churned. The whole conversation had undermined her relationship with Brent and her friendship with Dex. She blew out a breath. She didn’t understand her own actions and apparently couldn’t control them either.
Emma. The name rang in her head. Why did Grace dislike her so much? She was, in fact, a great match for Dex. But Grace just couldn’t buy into the whole relationship between the two of them. She remembered the first time she’d seen Dex gazing at Emma the way she used to gaze at her. It had hurt more than she’d thought it possibly could. It was at the Christmas market. Brent was off doing his own thing as usual, and when she’d turned to talk to Dex, she’d spotted the electricity between them. Grace had suddenly felt like an outsider, which sent an inexplicable bolt of anger through her.
She’d thought Emma was gone for good after the ice-skating incident, but when she and Dex had both shown up at Emilio’s Christmas party, Emma had taken center stage again. At the time Grace hadn’t wanted to analyze why. She’d just known she needed Dex’s attention. So she’d immediately captured it from Emma by leaning in and whispering in Dex’s ear, showing some cleavage as she always did. She’d gotten the response she’d wanted. Dex had closed her eyes momentarily and taken in a breath. But then Dex had focused her attention on Emma, not Grace. From that point on Emma had become the enemy, and Grace couldn’t stop the wrath she’d rained upon her.
She’d been so nervous tonight with Dex, and with good reason. Even though she’d known her practically since the beginning of time, she’d never led her to believe they were anything but friends before now. Tonight she had done just that. It was selfish, but she’d pushed Dex to tell her if she’d ever thought about her sexually, an intimate question to which she already knew the answer. Normal conversation had ceased at that point, and the whole evening became a gigantic pile of awkward.
Grace was going to have to apologize for being such an ass and make it right, or things between them would never be the same again. Dex knew how insecure Grace was, didn’t she? She’d understand why she’d acted the way she had. Wouldn’t she? “Fuck,” she whispered. She’d made a huge mess of everything.