11

‘Hey sis,’ said Clementine over a voice note. ‘I know you’ve been feeling rotten, and I’m just so sorry. Your new walking buddy sounds great, though! Like a good distraction. We can’t wait to see you on Boxing Day! I miss you. I know it’s only a small consolation but Uncle David said how happy he is the place is in good hands. I think it really does bring him comfort, you know. Everything is good here. I mean, we’re dangerously close to budget and I’m still trying to talk Stella out of the more expensive decisions but that’s project management! It never stops! Love you, sis. You’re doing so, so well. I … I wish I was there. I know me feeling guilty doesn’t help anything, but I think of you all the time.’

How’s it going, friend? Stoke Newington misses you! a text from Sharon read.

What about that for a view? said Uncle David in the family WhatsApp, attaching a photo of the sea meeting the horizon, as taken from a bench in his new garden.

Hiya! a text from Stuart said. We got sorted with the electrician and he’s coming out this afternoon, just to keep you in the loop Also, I know you said you didn’t want to know if Francesco came by again, but he just did. And he asked if I would tell you. He said he won’t bother you again after this. I don’t want to be piggy in the middle but I think he really wants to sort out whatever happened. I won’t mention him again. But yeah. Now you know.

‘Gah!’ said Penny, out loud and to nobody.

She wasn’t an idiot. She was smart enough and had enough counselling during ‘The Cancer Years’ to know how her brain tried to protect her from herself. Her dad left when he knew her mum was dying. Mo had been a coward about her own treatment – he knew what had happened to her mother and, it seemed to Penny, got out whilst he could. It was heartless and weird and it made Penny question her own judgement. And as soon as she’d seen that prick kissing another woman, it was like confirmation in her brain that she was right – men weren’t to be trusted. It was a waste to have faith. She’d used the absolute last of hers on that prick and he’d ruined it, with whoever that woman had been, so that was that. It didn’t matter if that was the truth or if it was a convenient way to emotionally distance herself from him and what they’d had, she was out. Would never let him into her heart again.

She did miss him as her mate, though.

‘Well,’ said Charlie, when Penny explained her psychological theory. ‘Maybe that means you can have him back as your friend. Obviously only you know if that’s possible, and if it’s what you really want. But, maybe if he hurt you romantically but you still miss talking to him, you really could just be friends.’

‘Does that make me an idiot?’ sighed Penny. She felt like an idiot. Stuart’s text about him stopping by had really got under her skin. She wished it could be water off a duck’s back.

‘I don’t think so,’ said Charlie. ‘You’ve got to do what works for you, haven’t you?’

‘Right,’ said Penny. ‘I just … don’t have that many friends. Not in a weird way, it’s just after I got sick, and having already moved around so much like chefs do … There was something he said to me that I think of all the time. That before anything else, we were buddies.’

‘Oh honey, you don’t have to justify yourself to me. All these movies and TV shows where everyone has this gang of mates that do everything together – it’s not real. That’s not how real life works. I have two BFFs, my mum and dad, my brother when he’s not being a dick and, well, I guess you, now you’re back.’

‘Ahhhh, are you being soppy with me, Charlie?’

‘Bugger off,’ they said, rolling their eyes playfully. ‘You could text him, you know. It wouldn’t make you weak or anything. It’s obviously unfinished business, and friendship would be a nice olive branch to get closure.’

‘Maybe,’ said Penny.

‘More than maybe,’ said Charlie.

Penny scrunched up her face. ‘I hate that I still think of him. It makes me feel like I’m failing at being a strong, independent woman.’

‘If you think of him and wish he’d stand on an upturned plug, or that his boiler would break on Christmas Day, I think that’s “Upset You” talking. But if he made you laugh and you want a giggle and he adds something to your life rather than takes away, you’re in the safe zone. It’s not a failure to forgive somebody. It’s actually quite gracious.’

Penny nodded. ‘You give okay advice, you know.’

‘What a compliment,’ Charlie replied, smirking. ‘I can hardly stand how effusive your admiration for me is.’

* * *

Penny had no plan to where she was headed, but she knew she needed some fresh air before the day began. Ever since meeting that guy from school last week – Thomas – she’d been craving time away from work. She hadn’t realized how Red-Panda-centric she’d become. She’d slid into it consuming all her waking hours, and she knew it wasn’t healthy. She wondered if that’s why she obsessed over Francesco – she literally had nothing else to occupy her thoughts.

Penny made a left out of the car park, and took the first left after that. The air was cold but the sky was bright – her favourite kind of weather. If she couldn’t be on a sun-lounger by an infinity pool, England when it was like this was a close second. It made her consider if she should book a sun holiday for over New Year’s. Perhaps she would – Clemmie and Rima could even come, too. She passed a few dog-walkers and waved through the door of the butcher to her supplier, Freddie, and then made a right turn at the end of the lane. She hadn’t realized she was heading for where she’d used to loiter after school, where the village reached the fields that stretched for miles, but of course she was. It was an empty vast space that her bones just knew. She hopped over the stile and stood in front of the wide open fields, marvelling at the thawing frost and how the light bounced off the grass. They didn’t have endless green like this in London. It felt peaceful and freeing. She closed her eyes and let herself feel the brightness of the sun.

‘Beautiful, isn’t it?’ came a voice.

Penny opened her eyes and turned to see Thomas wrapped in a chunky knit scarf, a scrappy little dog at his feet.

‘Hello,’ said Penny, startled at his appearance. ‘I didn’t know you had a dog.’

‘Well you wouldn’t, would you?’

‘No, I suppose not,’ Penny nodded. Thomas never had stopped by the pub about that walk. She bent down to the puppy. ‘Hello, you! Aren’t you beautiful? You’re so beautiful!’

‘Are you heading up that way? That’s where we normally go. We can go together?’

Penny’s gaze followed the direction he was motioning in. She checked her watch. ‘You know what, I’ve got a staff meeting in a minute,’ she said, and it was the truth. How long had she been stood there, just being? ‘It’s a good job you interrupted my little reverie, actually – I didn’t realize the time. I only meant to pop out for a minute.’

‘Pleased to be of service,’ Thomas clowned, doing a small bow. ‘We should take that walk together we talked about, though. If you still want to.’

‘Yes,’ Penny replied. ‘I do.’

‘There’s just one thing,’ he added. ‘Something I’d like to make clear.’

Penny waited for him to clarify what he meant. ‘Yes?’

‘Well, I made out like I wanted to be your mate, but when I said let’s go for a walk what I meant was let’s spend time together and tell each other our secrets and maybe we could end up …’

Penny raised an eyebrow, taken aback by his candour.

‘… in a heated game of Scrabble.’

She burst out laughing. ‘What an offer!’ she chuckled. ‘What an incredibly audacious offer! Is this how you seduced Veronica back in the day?’

‘I’m only half kidding,’ he said. ‘Obviously I don’t play Scrabble on the first date.’

‘And there it is,’ Penny said.

‘What?’

‘The d-word.’

‘Do you object to my offer?’ he asked. ‘I just wanted to put it out there because I don’t want there to be any confusion. I like to shoot straight. Best way.’

Penny pulled her hat down further over her ears and glanced out to the view, as if that would have her answer. She’d not really thought about dating – Havingley had evoked a lot of emotions in her, but aside from the odd self-partnered session, her sexuality had definitely been lying dormant. Really, she’d thought of this year as something she just had to survive. Thriving hadn’t occurred to her. But, she didn’t see why she couldn’t date. Didn’t she deserve a bit of flirting? Plus Thomas was away a lot, he’d said. He was basically asking her if she’d consider a fling, which fit in with her own Havingley aims and objectives, really: low-commitment, make the most of it, don’t get too attached.

‘Go on then,’ she said, deciding in the moment that she was open to being flung. ‘Since it’s nearly Christmas.’

‘Cool,’ Thomas replied. ‘Well. Put your number in here,’ he said, handing her his phone, ‘and I’ll call you later.’

‘Okay,’ Penny said, pleased, and she didn’t so much walk home as float. It felt good to have a date. To have something else to daydream about beyond till systems and food orders and that prick.

I might even wage war with this hair growing down my thighs, she mused.

A date!

When she got back to the pub she said to Charlie, ‘That guy from school – the one with the Gucci joggers who had that loud lunch – do you remember?’

‘Thomas Eddlington. The one you called a playboy?’ Charlie said.

‘Yeah.’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘I just saw him, and he asked me out.’

‘What?! You went out for air and came back with a boyfriend? Go, you!’

‘Do you think he’s a playboy?’

Charlie shrugged. ‘Maybe he’s a playboy with hidden depths,’ they said, to which they both burst out laughing. Funnily enough, though, his being a playboy felt like a perfect fling-worthy fit.

‘I suppose I’ll find out.’

‘Well, be sure to report back,’ Charlie sniggered, before shaking their head and saying, ‘Thomas Eddlington. Okay, then …’

Penny shrugged. ‘Nobody is more surprised than me,’ she said, and then, ‘Oh crap – the staff meeting. Can you find me a chair to stand on?’

‘And I just want to say,’ Penny intoned to her staff, ‘that I am beyond thrilled with how these past six months have run. Teething problems aside,’ she paused here, letting everyone know that they could issue a giggle, ‘we’re now having more good days than bad ones,’ – more giggles – ‘And I just wanted to get everyone in the same place to say we will, of course, be celebrating with a very big pre-Christmas party …’ she paused again, to allow for the small cheer, ‘… And I look forward to sharing with you our Continuing Training programmes. It is my commitment to you that this is more than just a job that you clock in and out of. We’re a family here, and look after each other. My pledge is that I will invest in skills that are useful at The Red Panda, and also in real life, or any other job you might go on to have. I use the skills and knowledge from the kitchens I’ve worked in over the years every single day, and my most sincere wish is that what you learn here – as well as what you contribute – will be something you look back on for the rest of your lives as being a formative, important part of who you are, no matter what stage of your catering and hospitality career you’re at. If that doesn’t sound too intense, ha. Anyway. Cheers, one and all!’

‘You said all that?’ Thomas would later ask on the phone as they whispered to each other before bed. He’d called her when she was still in the dinner shift, and followed through on his promise to call her later, then, when she was done. Penny wondered if this is what she’d misunderstood in all the years of dating: men who aren’t really that bothered text, men who actually want you, call. A simple way to establish who was wheat and who was chaff.

‘Something like that, yes,’ Penny said. ‘And the cringiest thing is – I meant it. I’m really proud of it all.’

‘Bib Gourmand proud …?’ He was referring to the Michelin Guide award – an award not as prestigious as a Michelin star, but still a nod to consumers in an annual guide of noteworthy places for good food. Penny knew of customers who used it as their bible. If a place wasn’t featured, they didn’t risk eating there.

‘Who sent you?’ Penny laughed. ‘Did Uncle David put you up to this? He always thought if I came on board that we could chase the Bib.’

‘I’ve been around enough to know that a country pub like The Red Panda should be striving for certain things. Did I guess right?’

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ said Penny. ‘Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. Why does everyone always expect bigger and better and more? What’s wrong with the way things are?’

She could hear Thomas smiling down the phone. ‘Well. We can pick this up another time. I can better prepare my argument then. You said you’re off on Monday?’

‘That’s the best day, yeah. I don’t like to ask Manuela to cover for me. It feels like an imposition.’

‘We can talk about that on Monday too. I’ll look forward to it.’

‘Same,’ said Penny, realizing she really meant it.

She suddenly thought of that prick. She’d been furious at him for so long but, almost in an instant, she wasn’t mad anymore. What Charlie said had helped. It’s not that she thought she was going to marry Thomas and live happily ever after – for one thing, she would never marry a man who wore silk Gucci jogging bottoms – but in making a friend from outside the pub, and knowing how happy her team were about the Christmas party, and that she’d see her sister soon – she felt lighter. Not happy, exactly, but like she had everything a bit more under control. She was going to hang out with a cute guy and it’s not like she and that prick had been girlfriend or boyfriend or anything. Maybe she’d overreacted? Or at the very least reacted exactly right and now was simply over it? That could happen, couldn’t it – that’s how anger worked. You could be mad for ages and then one day, the thing you were mad about just doesn’t make you feel mad anymore.

And anyway, it remained exactly as she’d always said: she lived here and he lived there, and he’d probably already be seeing somebody else – maybe the woman he’d been snogging – and so, whatever. If he’d been into Bridges to ask her to get in touch, she’d get in touch. She’d punished him enough. She was moving on. It was time.

She texted him: Long time no speak. And then she put her phone in a drawer.