Running late, Thomas’s text said after Penny had gathered everything they needed. Meet after instead?
Penny held the phone in her hand and took a deep breath. She hated that he’d ducked out of helping her without even saying sorry. There was a bees nest in the car park that needed a special powder sprinkled over it to encourage the bees to leave and make a home somewhere else, which was important because Penny couldn’t have a bees nest outside as it continued to get warmer. A thought barraged its way into her brain: Francesco would already have done it.
Penny sighed. She shouldn’t have been relying on Thomas in the first place, since she was about to break off whatever they were to each other.
‘Look what the cat dragged in,’ she said, when Thomas finally arrived. She’d taken care of the bees nest herself, spraying it with the industrial strength stuff she’d got online and not suffering a single sting in the process. She looked ridiculous doing it – just in case, she’d had not an inch of skin on show with her joggers tucked into her socks and gloves pulled up over her long sleeves. She’d even wrapped an old scarf around her head, leaving room only for her eyes and nose, and held it all in place with a woolly hat.
‘Ahhh come on,’ Thomas said. ‘I’ve only just got back. Don’t be like that.’ He looked at Penny pleadingly, his eyes big and adorable. He knew she wasn’t really mad, and that even if she was he’d soften her up in seconds. He was just too charming.
‘Just,’ said Penny, walking from the door she’d let him in from back up to her flat, peeling off her layers as she did so. ‘Don’t say you’ll do something and then not do it. Don’t agree in the first place. Like, have some self-respect, you know?’ It came out harsher than she’d meant, but it was too late. She’d said it.
‘Self-respect?’ Thomas said, pausing on the stairs.
‘Yeah,’ said Penny, changing her tone. ‘Just be a man of your word.’
‘Hey,’ Thomas said, making her stop and turn around. ‘Are you okay?’
Penny nodded. She shouldn’t be picking a fight. She knew why she was doing it – because an argument was easier than a mature discussion about no longer sleeping together. ‘I’m fine. I’m just saying, it’s not cool to have your actions mismatch your words.’ She walked up ahead and flopped down onto the sofa. It took Thomas a minute to come and join her.
‘Well this is a side of you I’ve never seen before,’ he said. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘I just told you – you’ve annoyed me.’
‘Okay, well that doesn’t make me feel great.’
‘It doesn’t feel great to me, either.’
Thomas stood there, scowling. ‘This is going to be a fun hike then, isn’t it?’
Penny picked up a magazine and began flicking through it. ‘I don’t think I want to hike today,’ she said. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’
‘You’ve changed your mind.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to go. You go without me.’
Thomas came to sit beside her. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Come on. I’m only off for a few days before I go again. Let’s go walking, Pen.’
‘I said I don’t want to,’ Penny snapped. ‘Stop pushing it.’
‘But you love the hikes!’ Thomas said. ‘It’s like you’re mad at me or something!’
Penny sighed. ‘I’m not mad at you, Thomas. I’m tired. Really, really tired. So instead of walking ten miles I’m going to rest, because that is what my body is asking for. Okay?’ It wasn’t really a question.
‘I was really looking forward to spending the day with you.’
‘I know. But I just need one day to be in my own company. That’s not a rejection of you. That’s me taking care of myself.’
‘Hmmmm,’ said Thomas, not at all happy. ‘I think you’re mad at me.’
‘I will be if you keep saying that. Text me later. Just … I don’t want to go.’
Thomas nodded. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But you’re going to have to text me. See you later.’
She felt terrible once he’d gone.
‘Shit,’ she said to herself. She pulled on her shoes to see if she could catch him at his house before he left.
Penny knocked on Thomas’s door, hearing a dog yapping on the other side of it. He answered wearing grey jogging bottoms that sat low on his hips, and a grey t-shirt that hung just a sliver above his waistband so that he revealed enough flesh to distract Penny’s gaze. He was a beautiful man, she’d give him that. Maybe she thought that now because it was the first time she’d seen him dressed in anything other than a label. He was obviously halfway through changing.
‘Hello, you,’ Thomas said.
‘Hey,’ said Penny, smiling. ‘Hi. I was a bitch before, and I’ve come to say sorry.’
‘Do you want to come in?’
Penny looked at him. ‘Um …’ she said, and in her hesitation Thomas’s face softened. ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘You’re not into this anymore, are you?’
Penny shrugged. ‘I want to be, but … no,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Penny,’ said Thomas. ‘That’s okay. It’s a laugh until it’s not, right?’
‘Right.’
‘And you deserve everything your heart wants. Even if your heart doesn’t want me.’
‘I owe you a lot, though,’ said Penny.
Thomas furrowed his brow in question.
‘You showed me a side to this place that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. You got me out of the pub and into the hills, and other restaurants, and parks and pubs.’
‘Well you know,’ Thomas said, ‘we can still do that. I like you, Penny – I’d love to see you when I’m back, hang out, catch up.’
Penny smiled. ‘I’d like that too,’ she said, understanding implicitly that she could be his friend, because she’d never felt that deeply about him as a lover. And, of course, the reason she and Francesco could never have simply been friends, was precisely the opposite: she didn’t just love him. She was in love with him.
‘I don’t want to take up your day off,’ she said. ‘I just wanted to say …’
Thomas opened his arms to her. ‘Don’t say anything, Pen. It’s okay. We’re okay.’
Less than a minute after he’d opened the door to her, he closed it again, and Penny already felt lighter.
I should have treated you better, Penny typed into the text thread with Francesco. Everything she wanted to say to him was a variation of the same thing.
I screwed up.
I wish you hadn’t left.
I’m sorry.
She stared at the text box, debating, like she always did, on whether to send it.
She didn’t.
I think I want to have a baby, she typed. I want a family. I’m excited!
She deleted that, too.