The Ends

Love and relationships are the ends—everything else is just the means. We, as a species, segment love. When we are young, we take in love—our parents’, teachers’, caregivers’. When we enter adulthood, we find transactional love; we love others in exchange for something in return—their love, security, or intimacy. Then there’s complete love, surrendering to loving someone regardless of whether they love you back, or whether you get anything in return, for that matter. No conditions, no exchange, just a decision to love this person and focus solely on their well-being.

Love received is comforting, love reciprocated is rewarding, and love given completely is eternal. You are immortal. Our role, our job as agents of the species, is to love someone unconditionally. It’s the secret sauce cementing the survival of Homo sapiens. And to ensure we continue to enlist in this act, nature made it the most rewarding. To love someone completely is the ultimate accomplishment. It tells the universe you matter, you are an agent of survival, evolution, and life. You are still just a blink of an eye, but the blink matters.

The Most Important Decision

The key decision you’ll make in life is who you have kids with. Who you marry is meaningful; who you have kids with is profound. (Note: I don’t believe you need to be married to have a wonderful life.) Raising kids with someone who is kind and competent and who you enjoy being with is a series of joyous moments smothered in comfort and reward. Raising kids with someone you don’t like, or who isn’t competent, is moments of joy smothered in anxiety and disappointment.

Building a life with someone who loves you, and who you love, near guarantees a life of reward interrupted by moments of pure joy. Sharing your life with someone who’s unstable or has contempt for you is never being able to catch your breath long enough to relax and enjoy your blessings.

Someone Who Likes You

How do you go about finding such a person? Young people need to try to override the emotion of scarcity. Let me explain. Key to evolution is trying to punch above your weight class and mix your DNA with someone who has better DNA—natural selection. People rejecting your overtures is a relatively accurate indicator that you are in fact punching too high. You will, on a balanced scorecard, likely end up with someone in your weight class in terms of character, success, looks, and pedigree. Rejection is an immediate and credible message that the object of your affections has better DNA than you, and knows it. Problem is, you begin associating rejection with better DNA to a fault. I’m not suggesting people shouldn’t reach beyond their weight class (a key attribute for success) and not ask out the tall guy with the great hair. But young people stand to benefit from one simple thing:

Like someone who likes you.

Someone who thinks you’re great is a feature … not a bug. I’ve found that most young people don’t end up with someone until there has been some form of rejection from the other … which is interpreted as a signal of superior DNA. Yes, punch above your weight class … but don’t fall into the trap of believing someone is better because they’re not that into you. And if someone thinks you’re the bomb, it doesn’t mean they’re below your weight class or somehow not worthy.

My dog, Zoe, picks the person who loves her the most. She’s the Oprah of relationships. Zoe, and all of us, reach contentment when we recognize a shortcut to happiness: finding someone who chooses you over everything, and everyone, else.