1 + 1 > 2

I have a friend, a successful hedge fund manager, who moved to Cascais, a small town outside Lisbon, Portugal. He wanted to reset his life—focus more on family and take advantage of Portugal’s quality of life. He stays with me when he’s in town, which I enjoy, as NYU faculty housing in winter is a bit lonely—depressing, even (hold me). Despite being a master of the universe, he has strong nurturing instincts and takes care of people around him naturally. Last night I came home, and he announced that we were going to Soho House for dinner.

We ran into two friends, one recently engaged and the other recently divorced. We congratulated the younger friend on his upcoming nuptials and then got on with the important work of understanding every detail of being single at our age.

Tindering

What became clear was that, while it has its moments, being single is a lot of work. The prepping, pruning, preening, planning, Tindering, texting, courting, rejecting, Coachella-ing, gaming, and being rejected are exhausting. Being good at being single either means you’re one of the 1 percent who don’t live in the real world and everything just sort of comes to you (I know a few of these people and hate them), or—like any job—you have to work at it.

Studies show that marriage is advantageous economically. Having a partnership, sharing expenses and responsibilities, being able to focus on your careers, and utilizing the wisdom of crowds (couples) generally leads to better decisions (“No, we’re not buying a boat”). There is a streamlining of choices, which lets you allocate your attention capital to things that grow, instead of decline, in value (your career vs. your attractiveness to others or being seen at the right places).

Once married, your household worth grows at an average of 14 percent a year. Married couples, by their fifties, on average have 3x the assets of their single peers. The key? Taking the whole “till death do us part” thing seriously, as divorce seriously eats into the 3x. From an evolutionary perspective, monogamous relationships improve survival odds for offspring, benefiting our species overall.

Try to Be a Partner

Marriage dates back to ancient societies. Our ancestors needed a safe environment in which to have children and a way to handle property rights. Marriages based on love didn’t become popular until the Romantic era. The engagement ring, a custom dating back to ancient Rome, is a circle symbolizing eternity and everlasting union. It was once believed that a vein or nerve ran directly from the “ring finger” of the left hand to the heart.

I’m good at marriage; done it twice. One marriage was good, the other great. My first marriage ended not because it was bad, but because I wanted to be single. But that’s another story.

Here is the advice on marriage I offer when asked to give a toast at a wedding. It’s through a male lens (can’t help that).

Don’t keep score. It’s human nature to inflate your own contribution to the relationship and minimize your partner’s. Couples who are always taking notes on who’s done what for whom waste energy, and ultimately both feel as if they’re in the loss column. Decide if the relationship as a whole gives you joy and comfort, and if it does (and it better, at this point), then commit to always being on the positive side of the ledger—aim to be generous and do as much as you can for your partner, as often as possible.

Be willing to wipe the slate clean if and when your partner messes up, as she or he will. Studies show that forgiveness is a key attribute to sustainable, happy relationships. One of the main components of our success as a nation is that we give people a second chance. It’s no different in relationships—achieving real love and a sense of partnership will likely involve forgiveness that, at the time, feels unfair and even embarrassing.

As we get older, we get more reward from giving. Keeping score creates a dynamic where you never give in to the real joy in life … doing something for someone because you love them and choose their happiness over everything else, full stop. Caregivers are the most important contributors to the species and are rewarded with longer lives. Marriage is a promise to give care, every day.

Don’t ever let your wife be cold or hungry. I mean … ever. In retrospect, most of the really awful fights I’ve had with partners have been because we managed to skip lunch. Invest in dual-zone climate control cars, and when you sit down at a restaurant, before you do anything, ensure you are not dining with Satan—a draft of cold air. Try to never leave the house without energy bars and one of those oversized cashmere scarves that can double as a blanket. You’re welcome.

Express affection and desire as often as possible. Affection, touch, and sex reinforce that your relationship is singular. That this person, when all else is stripped away, is who you want. We are animals, and affection and sex are where you can be most who you really are. People who don’t feel desired are more likely to feel insecure, and to like themselves less around you, which can metastasize into the cancers of relationships: indifference and contempt.

In my experience, the most rewarding things in life are family and professional achievement. Without someone to share these things with, you’ve seen a ghost—it sort of happened, but not really. However, with the right partner, these things feel real, you feel more connected to the species, and all “this” begins to register meaning.

“I do” means “I will … care for, shelter, nourish, and want you.”