We have friends, a couple, who lost an extended family member to ALS. Soon after, they took stock of their blessings and asked each other, “What could we do to better seize the moments that are our life?” The husband is an adventurer and proposed that, with their three kids, they circumnavigate the globe in a high-tech catamaran. This would be insane if they weren’t both uber-competent people whom others trust with their lives and livelihoods (she’s a doc, he’s a CEO). Even so, cruising around on the open ocean supported by two giant boogie boards feels a tad crazy.
They did a test run, a week at sea, which I followed closely on Instagram. The night watches, rough seas, engine trouble … all of it. I didn’t get it. This seemed more like punishment than taking life by the horns. And then, in one image, it became clear. The husband’s joy was evident, even in 2D. To be with his family, applying their skills, strength, and wits to embrace and conquer nature made him glow. No filter. Partners who can take what they’ve built together and throw the full force of that at each other’s happiness are likely the root of our prosperity as a species. The most rewarding things in life aren’t accoutrements or our technological progress (Cartier or Boeing) but things that have been baked into us over millions of years to augment the species.
As my first marriage was crumbling, part of my penance was going to couples therapy. To my surprise, I enjoyed it. Our therapist was a smart, caring man who seemed generally interested in my favorite topic … me. I asked my therapist, Boris (real name), for his definition of love. Boris felt love was a willingness to take the life you’ve built for yourself and tear it up for the other person. If you’re wondering what happened, let’s just say that, at thirty-three, I didn’t let my spouse change the radio station in our car … much less reconfigure my life. So fucking selfish.
By this measure, I had never really loved anybody until I had kids. Instinctively and proactively, we suspend our lives and shape them around our kids. It took a while for me (see above: selfish). Babies are awful. But slowly instinct kicked in, and weekends are now soccer matches, birthday parties, and Despicable Me 3. Brunch with friends, TV, and sleeping in were great, but there’s a comfort in having the same answer to most of life’s questions: whatever is best for the kids. People without kids bask in the same light when they’re kind and caring to others.