Understanding human needs is half
the job of meeting them.
Adlai Stevenson
When I was a child I went to my cousin’s birthday party. A magician had been booked to entertain us and at the end of his act he invited my cousin onto the stage to help him perform the final trick. When I got home I begged my mother to let me have the same magician at my birthday party — not because I liked his tricks, but because I wanted to be the one he invited up on stage to help him.
He did, indeed, perform at my party and I could hardly wait for him to ask me to help him with his last trick. But when the moment finally arrived he chose someone else and I was absolutely devastated.
Why do I tell this story? Because incidents like these can be a goldmine for understanding our emotional needs. This story shows me that I had (and indeed still have) a need to be the centre of attention.
Being aware of our emotional needs, and making sure they’re met, is one of the foundation stones of a fulfilled life. Clearly, we all have basic physical needs (for food, water, shelter, warmth). But what about our emotional needs? We all have these, too, and they will vary from person to person. To love/feel loved, to be appreciated, to feel respected, to be independent, to feel secure, to feel needed, to feel protected, to be in control and so on.
Emotional needs are incredibly powerful and they can drive our behaviour and choices in ways we may not even be aware of. And this is where they can be dangerous. For example, a need to be right can get you into all sorts of trouble in your relationships; while a need to be ‘top dog’ could cause you to make ill-advised business decisions.
So how do we find out what our emotional needs are? A strong indicator is if we find ourselves becoming irrationally angry or upset about something. Let’s say you’re having a conversation with someone and they consistently fail to acknowledge what you’re saying. As the conversation continues you notice that you’re becoming more and more upset. When something like this happens, check for the emotional need lurking underneath. In this case, it could be that you have a need to be heard or acknowledged and this need is being trampled on.
Once you know what your needs are you can take steps to make sure they’re being met in healthy ways. For example, if you have a need to be appreciated, this could make life at work very difficult if your boss or line manager never express any appreciation for your hard work. So see if you can find a way to let them know that you’d really appreciate some positive feedback.
Making yourself vulnerable enough to ask someone to meet one of your needs isn’t easy, but the payoff is often tremendous for both parties.
Everybody needs beauty as well as bread,
places to play in and pray in
where nature may heal and cheer
and give strength to the body and soul.
John Muir
We all have different desires and needs,
but if we don’t discover what we want from ourselves
and what we stand for, we will live
passively and unfulfilled.
Bill Watterson
They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy
in this world: someone to love, something to do and
something to hope for.
Tom Bodett