D
D — The D in BDSM is for Dominance, opposed to the S for submission.
see also: BDSM
DADDY — Gay slang for a man who takes on a leadership, mentorship, or caregiving role in a relationship.
While the daddy is assumed to be an older man, they are not necessarily older, and not necessarily a man. But, the daddy is in charge. More than an age, daddy is a power relation; daddy is a mindset.
The daddy role is not really about age play, though there is all kinds of subtle age play happening in gay scenes; for example, twinks pretending to be younger than they are, and daddies pretending to be older. They might actually be the same age, but they’re adopting different roles around intimacy.
Daddies are also associated with the leather scene, which is full of “leather daddies.”
see also: KINK; LEATHER; GAY; AGISM; TWINK
DEADNAME, DEADNAMING — The use of a trans person’s birth name or old name, which they don’t use anymore.
When you know someone’s name, using their deadname is extremely disrespectful, comparable to misgendering.
Changing names is something already common in our culture: many people change their last names when they get married or their parent gets married. Just as it would be inappropriate to use someone’s old name in that case, it’s inappropriate to use someone’s deadname. Unlike name changes due to a marriage, deadnames can be painful, and their use is unnecessary in nearly every situation.
A trans person might continue to use their deadname for legal purposes, or in specific situations where they are not out as trans. This doesn’t mean that it’s always okay to use their deadname; if you’re not sure, ask them.
Everyone’s relationship to their deadname is different: it could be stressful, ambivalent, or indifferent. Lots of trans people don’t change their names when they come out; in that case, their birth name isn’t a deadname, it’s just their name.
The media has a tendency to report on trans people’s deadnames under the pretense of “providing all the facts,” but the majority of the time a deadname is not relevant information. This is especially disrespectful when the media reports on the death of a trans person.
see also: NAME; PRONOUNS; TRANSGENDER; MISGENDER; COMING OUT; TRANSITION
DEMI-, DEMIGENDER, DEMI-GIRL, DEMI-BOY — Someone who is partially, but not entirely, a girl (demi-girl) or a boy (demi-boy).
People with demigenders fit within the broader categories of transgender (because they do not identify unambiguously only with the gender they were assigned at birth) and non-binary (because their gender is neither exclusively man nor woman). But, like with all gender labels, it’s up to each individual to choose how they define their gender, and someone with a demigender might not identify with transness or being non-binary.
see also: TRANSGENDER; NON-BINARY
DEMIROMANTIC — see: GRAY-ROMANTIC.
DEMISEXUAL — Sexual attraction only to people with whom you have an emotional connection.
Demisexuals are on the asexual spectrum. Despite the prefix “demi” for half, and demisexuality falling (to be reductive) halfway between sexual and asexual, demisexuals do not have a “half sexuality” and in no way are lacking wholeness.
Like all sexual orientations, demisexuality is defined by sexual attraction (or lack thereof), not by behavior. A demisexual person might have sex with someone they are not emotionally connected to, but this doesn’t negate their sexuality. It’s up to everyone to define their own sexuality, and the only accurate definitions of sexuality come from the subject themselves.
Demisexuals may prefix another sexual orientation label to more accurately describe their sexuality, such as “demi-bisexual.”
DESIGNATED FEMALE AT BIRTH (DFAB) — A variation on “Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB).”
see also: ASSIGNED FEMALE AT BIRTH; CAFAB; FAAB
DESIGNATED MALE AT BIRTH (DMAB) — A variation on “Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB).”
see also: ASSIGNED MALE AT BIRTH; CAMAB; MAAB
DESIRE — To hope for. Longing. Sexual, romantic, or aesthetic attraction.
Desire can be harnessed as a becoming. “Do I want you or want to be you?” What we truly desire is unknowable; we can only approach it. Through closeness (“radical sameness”), we conduct an exploration of the self. I knew I identified with queer masculinity (boys desiring boys) before I knew I was a boy.
Desire is used as a weapon to delegitimize trans experience: “You only want to be a woman so you can be a lesbian, you sick pervert.” Well, maybe! So what!
Desire as a force of motivation for sexual and gender exploration is harmless and hopefully results in knowing yourself better, which is a worthwhile project.
Desire shouldn’t be moralized but should be politicized. Yes, your “preference” for white people is racist; no, you shouldn’t punish yourself for having problematic desires in some misguided act of self-flagellation seeking absolution. Don’t force yourself to have sex with someone you don’t fancy; instead investigate why you only fancy people who are pale and thin and young and cis. Diversify your media intake and your social group; but don’t date or seduce people as if they are stepping stones on your personal journey toward enlightenment. It isn’t sexy, but we are all steeped in patriarchy—there is no escaping it; we can only manage its material effects. This is systemic, not individual. You can’t hate yourself for a lifetime of conditioning which dictates your desires; you can only mitigate the harm caused to the people marginalized by them. Problematic desires are produced and reproduced. But we can do our best to undermine and interrupt that process.
see also: SEXUALITY
DESISTANCE — When patients stop seeking medical support in transitioning.
Sometimes they stop being trans and consider themselves cisgender; sometimes they are still trans but have decided to stop pursuing the “medical” aspect of their transition (i.e., hormone replacement therapy and trans-specific surgeries).
The rate of desistance is extremely low (less than 5% at the highest estimates), and should not be confused with the (even lower) rate of “transition regret.”
see also: TRANSITION; DETRANSITION; TRANSITION REGRET
DETRANSITION — When someone who previously considered themselves transgender stops their medical transition.
Sometimes the person realizes they are happier with the gender they were assigned at birth. Sometimes trans people cease their medical transition and are therefore counted in “detransition” statistics, but they continue to be their trans gender without ongoing medical aspects of transition (e.g., hormone replacement therapy).
Detransition as a concept is based on simplistic misunderstandings about transitioning. Transition is not a single moment or operation. Cis people will ask, “Have you transitioned?” or “Have you had the surgery?,” which is not only invasive but an annoyingly incorrect framing. Transition is a variable process for each trans person, which may or may not include socially transitioning (changing names, pronouns, or gender expression) or medically transitioning (hormone replacement therapy, top surgery, bottom surgery, laser hair removal, or other surgeries like tracheal shave). For anyone who wants to change their name or gender marker, or do any medical transitioning, there is a lot of paperwork and often mandatory counseling involved in transitioning. If the act of using hormone replacement therapy is transitioning, many trans people will be “transitioning” for the rest of their lives.
As trans writer and activist Juno Roche put it, transition isn’t a journey to a trans gender; trans is the destination.
see also: TRANSITION; TRANSITION REGRET; DESISTANCE; TRANS HEALTHCARE
DEVIANT, DEVIANCE — Behavior, gender expression, and sexual preferences outside the scope of “normal.”
Deviance is punished. “Normal” is a moving target, and not necessarily healthy, or desirable, or interesting, or moral (though it is imbued with morality).
Deviant sexual behavior is a broad tent which groups together everything from light role play to extreme sexual violence. Trans genders, and queer sexualities, are painted as abhorrent, and equated to pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, and rape.
Deviant is used as an insult, and reclaimed by some queer people.
see also: NORMATIVITY; PERVERT
DFAB — Acronym for DESIGNATED FEMALE AT BIRTH, a variation on “Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB).”
see also: ASSIGNED FEMALE AT BIRTH; CAFAB; FAAB
DISABILITY, DISABLED — Impaired physical, cognitive, mental, or developmental function.
The scope of what is considered a disability depends on who you ask. Chronic pain and mental health problems like depression are considered by some to be disabling. Some trans people see their transness as a disability, either because it disables them in cisnormative society or because they see their transness as a mental disorder.
The legal status of disability is rightly the subject of extremely controversy: disability is defined as the inability to work, and so disabled people are forced to prove that they cannot work in order to receive government assistance. This is all the more difficult for people who are not deemed respectable, like people of color, sex workers, and queers.
see also: ABLEISM; MENTAL ILLNESS
DISCREET — Someone who doesn’t want to be outed. Someone who is actively looking for hookups, but wants to be quiet about it due to apprehension about being outed or for other reasons.
Discreet is a common term on hookup apps. Materially this might mean the person doesn’t show their face on the app, or that they cannot accommodate a hookup where they live, or simply that they need their partners to be subtle about the nature of their business when arriving and leaving.
Motivations for discretion range from modesty, to the safety of the closet, to cheating on a partner.
Some people are not comfortable having a hookup with a partner who is discreet because they don’t want to feel like a “dirty secret.” There are trends both of shaming people who are discreet for not being out and proud, and shaming people who are out and proud for being confrontational or “too in your face” about their sexuality. Both of these positions are dangerous, reinforce queerphobia, and lack empathy.
see also: STRAIGHT ACTING; CLOSET; HOMOPHOBIA
DISORDER OF SEX DEVELOPMENT (DSD) — A relatively new term used to replace “intersex,” introduced by intersex activist Cheryl Chase in 2005 to improve medical care for intersex people. It is fraught with problems, however, because it pathologizes intersexuality as a “disorder” instead of noting it as a difference.
Intersex researcher Georgiann Davis (who is intersex herself) writes that the medical establishment was quick to adopt DSD nomenclature because it reasserts medical authority over intersex bodies after intersex activism in the 1990s put medical authority on intersex under jeopardy, and the DSD language allowed them to sidestep their tainted history of medical malpractice, and non-consensual and medically unnecessary intervention on intersex bodies.
DSD language suggests that intersex people have an abnormality, or worse, are abnormal. In her research, Davis found this pathologizing language to affect both people who have been surgically altered and those who haven’t been. According to Davis, people who reject DSD language are less likely to receive support from the medical world and from family, but are more likely to report positive senses of self because they do not see themselves as abnormal. Shared terminology allows access to community and appropriate medical care, and there are costs for not adopting the current nomenclature. Of course, many people will selectively and situationally employ different rhetorics depending on their immediate circumstances and goals.
The tensions between pathologization, medicalization and medical “expert” outsiders, legitimacy, activism, and anti-assimilation in intersex activism mirror those in trans activism.
see also: INTERSEX; TRANSGENDER
DMAB — Acronym for DESIGNATED MALE AT BIRTH, a variation on “Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB).”
see also: ASSIGNED MALE AT BIRTH; CAMAB; MAAB
DRAG — An exaggerated performance of gender. Anyone can do drag, regardless of their gender, so anyone can be a drag queen, and anyone can be a drag king.
Drag is hyperbole, playful self-aware critique, and gleeful mockery of what is assumed to be “natural.” Drag is sometimes about illusion, becoming as “passable” as possible; but it is sometimes about highlighting or parodying gender roles.
Drag is not about deception, but about spotlighting how malleable and ridiculous gender performance is. A woman is just as capable of being an over-the-top drag queen as a man, with a full face of makeup, false lashes, a blown-out wig, long white gloves, a push-up bra and a sparkly dress. Drag is no less authentic a performance of gender than any other. A woman who asks the drag queen, “Why do you dress up like a woman?” could be asked the same question in response.
Drag is not inherently transphobic. There are lots of trans drag performers, and you could say that all gender expressions are drag. But there is controversy about including (cis) drag performers (or those assumed to be cis) at LGBT+ events, because some people feel like drag mocks gender (it does, but this is not a bad thing). Drag complicates our understandings of “gender non-conforming,” just like cross-dressing does. Drag is also a safe, non-committal way for people to explore different gender expressions.
Drag is a well-established art form with a long theatrical history, and has deep connections with the queer community. Until the late 20th century, there was little, if any, distinction made between drag performance on stage, cross-dressing off-stage, being gay, and being trans; all these people were grouped into the same community, because they all subverted gender expectations.
Drag has historically been a form of embodying, and exaggerating, qualities of femininity, sometimes at the comedic expense of women—especially trans women and women of color. Though most attention to drag is paid to white cisgender men, they are by no means the only ones “allowed” to do drag in general or be drag queens in particular. For cis men to suggest that they “own” drag is the height of entitlement.
see also: CROSS-DRESS
DRESS (n.) — A one-piece outer garment with covers the body from the chest to the legs or the feet.
While almost all other clothes are thought to be gender neutral, dresses are strongly associated with femininity. Wearing a skirt or a dress is one of the strongest gender cues—or cues of gender non-conformity—that you can send.
Until relatively recently, all children used to wear dresses, and all children used to be called “girls.”
see also: GENDER EXPRESSION; GIRL
DYKE — A reclaimed slur for lesbian.
Dyke was first used in print in Claude McKay’s 1928 Home to Harlem, as a derogatory word for a gender non-conforming woman. It referred to her masculinity, butchness, and attraction to other women.
Dyke is still used pejoratively by homophobes. In queer circles, dyke can mean a butch lesbian, or can be a value-neutral term for any lesbian, depending on the context.
see also: LESBIAN; BUTCH; AAVE
DYSPHORIA — see: GENDER DYSPHORIA.
see also: TRANS HEALTHCARE