womeN of tHe assemBLy
(Ecclesiazusae)
First produced in 392 BCE
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
Praxagora
First Woman
Chorus Leader
Second Woman
Chorus of Athenian Women
Blepyrus
Neighbor
Chremes
Sicon the Slave
Parmenon the Slave
Man
Female Herald
First Old Woman
Girl
Epigenes
Second Old Woman
Third Old Woman
Slave Girl
(The setting is Athens, Greece, in 392 BCE. The time is just before dawn. There are two stage doors in a backdrop, with windows above them. Praxagora enters through one of the doors carrying a lit lamp. Already onstage are boots, a cloak, a fake beard, a walking stick, and a garland.)
PRAXAGORA: (in a mock-lofty tone)
Bright eye inside of this ceramic lamp,
beautiful innovation of our craftsmen,
I shall disclose your origin and duty:
wrought on the wheel the potter’s zeal spins round,
you, through your nostrils,o serve a solar office.
(waving the lamp)
Send out the fire signal we agreed on.
It’s fitting that you should be privy now,
since even in our bedrooms late at night
you stand nearby while we complete our acts
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of Aphrodite. No one thinks to move
your supervisory gaze out of the room
while lying legs-up on a mattress. You
and you alone, agleam between our thighs,
shine on the depths that dare not speak their name
when we are singeing off the hair down there.
You stand beside us when we raid the pantry
for bread and Bacchic beverages. A loyal
confidant, you never run to tell
the neighbors. That is why you will be privy
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to what we women plotted at the Scirao
to do today.
(to the audience)
They were supposed to be here,
but none of them have come. It’s almost dawn,
and the Assembly will be starting soon.
We “congress-whores” (at least that is the way
that Pyromachuso put it once—remember?)—
we need to take our seats and not attract
any attention.
Why are they so late?
Haven’t the women got the phony beards
they were supposed to get? Or has it proved
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too hard for them to steal their husbands’ clothing
without anybody noticing?
Oh, I can see another lamp approaching.
I’ll duck down here in case it is a man.
(The First Woman opens the stage door next to Praxagora’s.)
FIRST WOMAN:
Time to be up and at ’em since the herald
has crowed out twice already, while we got
ready to go.
(The First Woman closes her door again.)
PRAXAGORA:
I sat up all night long
waiting for you.
Hmn, I will have to call
my neighbor out by scratching on the door
gently, so that her husband doesn’t hear.
(Praxagora scratches on her neighbor’s door. The First Woman enters through that door. She is carrying a fake beard, boots, and a walking stick.)
FIRST WOMAN:
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I heard you. I was getting dressed. I heard
that scratching of your fingers at my door,
since I was wide awake. The man I live with
hails from Salamis, the land of sailors,
and he was up the whole night driving me
though waves of bedding, so that I was able
only just now to steal this cloak of his
from him and come.
(Three females enter, stage right, the Chorus Leader with them.)
PRAXAGORA:
I see Sostrata coming,
and here’s Cleinarete, and here as well’s
Philainete.
CHORUS LEADER:
You hurry up, now, girls.
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Glyce has vowed the last girl here will have
to pay a fine of twenty pints of wine
and one whole bag of chickpeas.
(Another female enters, stage left.)
PRAXAGORA:
Look, here comes
Smicythion’s wife Melistiche wearing
a man’s big boots. She is the only one,
it seems, who had no trouble sneaking from
her husband’s side.
(Another female enters, stage right.)
FIRST WOMAN:
And, look, there’s Geusistrata,
the tavern-keeper’s wife. She’s got a torch.
(More females, including the Second Woman, enter, stage left. They are all carrying fake beards, boots, and walking sticks. They will constitute the Chorus of Athenian Women.)
PRAXAGORA:
Here comes the wife of Chaeretades, here’s
Philodoretus’s, and here come lots
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more women—all the best of them in town.
SECOND WOMAN: (to Praxagora)
I had a hard time getting out the door
and sneaking over here, my dear. My husband
sucked down a bunch of anchovies at dinner
and coughed all night.
PRAXAGORA:
All of you, please, be seated.
Now, since I see that everybody’s here,
I want to ask you whether you have done
those things we all agreed on at the Scira.
FIRST WOMAN:
I have. To start, I’ve grown my armpit hair out
bushier than a thicket, as stipulated.
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Plus, when my husband went out to the market,
I would anoint myself with oil and stand
all day out in the sun to get a tan.o
SECOND WOMAN:
I have as well. I threw my razor out
after the Scira so that I would get
hairy and be no longer lady-like.
PRAXAGORA:
And do you have the phony beards that you
were told to have whenever we met next?
FIRST WOMAN: (holding up a fake beard)
By Hecate, I’ve got a fine one here!
SECOND WOMAN: (holding up a fake beard)
The one I’ve got’s a fair bit more attractive
than Epicrates’s beard.
PRAXAGORA:
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The rest of you,
what do you say?
FIRST WOMAN:
They all are nodding “Yes.”
PRAXAGORA:
I see they’ve taken care of all the other
matters, too—they have their Spartan boots,o
their walking sticks and men’s cloaks, as requested.
FIRST WOMAN: (holding up a cane)
And I’ve brought Lamius’s caneo—I stole it
while he was sleeping.
SECOND WOMAN:
This must be the cane
he leans on when he farts!
PRAXAGORA:
By Zeus the Savior,
if he were dressed in All-Eyes’ goatskin jacket,o
he would be just the man to tend and feed
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the cattle of the executioner!
Come, now, let’s move on and address the next
order of business while there still are stars out,
since the Assembly that we will attend
begins at dawn.
FIRST WOMAN:
That’s right. We need to claim
the seats right underneath the speaker’s platform,
right at the chairmen’s feet.
SECOND WOMAN: (taking out a basket)
Yes, that’s the reason
why I have brought this spinning basket with me,
so I can do some work while the Assembly
is filling up.
PRAXAGORA:
“Is filling up”? You’re nuts!
SECOND WOMAN:
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Why would I listen any worse while spinning?
My kids need clothes to wear.
PRAXAGORA:
You and your spinning!
You should be wholly in disguise, revealing
nothing the men can notice. It would be
just glorious if some woman clambered over
the men and hitched her clothes up and exposed her—
Phormisius!o If we all sit down first,
no one will notice that we have our cloaks
pulled tight around our bodies. When we break
our fake beards out and tie them to our faces,
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who will not take us, at a glance, for men?
Now that he has on Pronomus’s beard,o
Agyrrhiuso is passing for a man and yet
this “man” was once a woman. Now, just look,
he is by far the most important person
in town. I tell you by this dawning day
he is the reason we must dare to try
to seize control and do some good for Athens,
which is now becalmed and rudderless.o
FIRST WOMAN:
How can a women’s group, with woman-thoughts,
hope to address the people?
PRAXAGORA:
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We will be
the best at it by far. They say the young men
whose holes get fucked the most are also best
at public speaking. Well, as luck would have it,
we are by nature made for getting reamed.
FIRST WOMAN:
But I don’t know. We lack experience,
and that is risky.
PRAXAGORA:
Isn’t that why we
assembled here, to run through all the things
we need to say up there?
(to the First Woman)
Be quick, now, tie
your beard on.
(to the rest)
You, too, ladies, since I know
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you have been practicing your chattering.
FIRST WOMAN:
Who here, my friend, does not know how to chatter?
PRAXAGORA:
Go on, then, tie your beards on and, like that,
you’ll be a man.
(They put on the fake beards.)
I’ll put these garlands down
and tie my own on, just in case I feel
like speaking, too.
(Praxagora puts down the garland and ties on her fake beard.)
SECOND WOMAN: (holding up a mirror)
Praxagora, come see
just how ridiculous this getup is.
PRAXAGORA:
Ridiculous?
SECOND WOMAN:
It’s like a beard was stuck on
a squid, a grilled white squid.
PRAXAGORA:
Hey, purifier,
walk round, now, with the sacrificial cat.o
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And, you all, move inside the sacred space.
Stop gabbing, Ariphrades!o Come, sit down.
(They sit facing Praxagora.)
Who here would like to speak to the Assembly?
FIRST WOMAN: (raising her hand)
I would.
PRAXAGORA: (offering the garland)
Then put this garland on and utter
words that are of some use.
FIRST WOMAN: (putting on the garland)
Alright; I’m set.
PRAXAGORA:
You may begin.
FIRST WOMAN:
But don’t I get a drink first?
PRAXAGORA:
A drink?
FIRST WOMAN:
Why else, man, did I don a garland?
PRAXAGORA:
Get down from there. You would have done the same thing
up on the podium.
FIRST WOMAN:
What, don’t they drink
in the Assembly?
PRAXAGORA:
What’s this “don’t they drink”?
FIRST WOMAN:
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They drink, I swear, and straight stuff, too. Consider
how much the laws they pass sound like a drunk man
raving. They pour libations, too, I know it.
Why else would they recite those endless prayers,
if there were no wine handy? Plus, they shout
at one another like a bunch of drunks,
and the police drag off the violent ones.
PRAXAGORA:
You go and take your seat. You’re bad at this.
FIRST WOMAN:
I’d have been better off without this beard—
I’m nearly dead of thirst.
PRAXAGORA:
Does any other
among you wish to speak?
SECOND WOMAN: (raising her hand)
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I want to speak!
PRAXAGORA:
Put on the garland. Now at last our scheme
is underway. Step up and speak out loudly,
manfully. Lean your weight upon your staff.
(The Second Woman puts on the garland.)
SECOND WOMAN:
I’d have preferred it if some other person,
one of the usual speakers, had proposed
the wisest counsel. Then I could have sat
in silence. Now, as far as I’m concerned,
we will forbid, in bars, the installation
of water kegs.o They’re just a bad idea,
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by Demeter and Persephone.o
PRAXAGORA:
“By Demeter and Persephone,”
you idiot? What were you thinking?
SECOND WOMAN:
What’s wrong?
I didn’t ask for wine.
PRAXAGORA:
True; but you swore
by goddesses. A man would not have done that.
The rest of what you said was so smart, too.
SECOND WOMAN:
How about “by Apollo”?
PRAXAGORA: (taking the garland from the Second Woman)
Just stop speaking.
I won’t take a step toward making you
orators in the Assembly till we get
it all just right.
SECOND WOMAN:
Hey, give me back the garland.
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I want to try again. I think I’ve got
enough rehearsal in.
(beginning her speech again)
In my opinion,
ladies of the Assembly—
PRAXAGORA:
Idiot,
this time you have referred to men as “ladies.”
SECOND WOMAN: (pointing to a member of the audience)
That man Epigonuso—he made me do it,
that creature over there. One glimpse of him,
and I assumed I was addressing “ladies.”
PRAXAGORA: (to the Second Woman)
Get down from there! Go sit down, too.
(ascending to the platform and putting on the garland)
To judge
from your performances, I’d better put on
this garland here and give the speech myself.
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I ask the gods on high to help me prove
successful in this day’s deliberations.
I have just as much at stake in Athens
as you all do, and what’s been going on here
has greatly irritated and depressed me.
I know that Athens always seems to choose
criminals as her heads of state. If one
turns good for one day, he will prove a scoundrel
for ten days after. If you try another,
he will do even worse things than the guy
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before him. It is hard to have discussions
with men as obstinate as you are, men
who fear all those inclined to benefit them,
men who tend to dote on those who aren’t.
There was a time when we had no Assemblies.o
Back then at least we knew Agyrrhius
was nasty. Now we do convene Assemblies
and, while the men who draw pay worship him,
all those who don’t attend for pay insist
that those who do ought to be executed.
FIRST WOMAN:
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By Aphrodite, you expressed that well!
PRAXAGORA:
That’s bad—you swore your oath by Aphrodite.
It would have been a charming thing indeed
if you had said her name in the Assembly.
FIRST WOMAN:
I wouldn’t have.
PRAXAGORA:
It’s time to break the habit.
(continuing her speech)
About our late alliance:o When we were
considering the matter, people said
Athens would be destroyed if we did not
approve it. When it finally was approved,
people were very angry, and the speaker
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who did the most to get the measure passed
was forced to skip town quick.
We need to launch
a new armada.o All the poor vote “yes,”
and all the rich folks and the farmers, “no.”
You rage at the Corinthians,o and they
rage back at you. Now, though, they’re being pleasant,
so you “play nice” as well. Argives are dunces,
and Hieronymus a mastermind.o
Salvation starts to peep in at us, but
Thrasybuluso gets mad because you didn’t
ask him to be in charge.
FIRST WOMAN:
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This man is wise!
PRAXAGORA:
Now you are cheering properly!
(continuing her speech)
And you,
the people, are to blame for this. Although
the money you receive comes from the state,
you each look after only your own interest.
The common interest flails, like Aesimus.o
If you abide by my suggestions, you
may yet be saved. What I propose is that
we hand the city over to the women
to rule. They have already proved themselves
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as managers and treasurers in our homes.
FIRST WOMAN:
Well said, by Zeus! Well said!
SECOND WOMAN:
Please, sir, continue.
PRAXAGORA:
I shall prove the female character
is better than the male. First off, they all
adhere to ancient precedent in that
they use warm water when they dye their wool.
No, you would never see them making any
innovations, while the city of Athens
won’t stick to any customs even though
they work quite well. Oh no, the men would have
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to mess with them and try out something novel.
Meanwhile the women cook the meals like always
and carry burdens on their heads like always.
They celebrate the Thesmophoriao
like always, and like always, bake sweet rolls.
Like always they annoy their husbands and
like always stash their lovers in the house.
They purchase extra goodies for themselves
like always and like always love their wine
unmixed. Like always they are fond of fucking.
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So, in conclusion, gentlemen, let’s hand
the rule of Athens over to the women.
No blabbering about it, no inquiring
what they are planning to accomplish. No,
let’s simply let them rule, considering
that, first, as mothers they will want to keep
our soldiers safe, and, second, who would sooner
send the soldiers rations than the ones
who gave them birth? Women are very clever
when it comes to getting funds, and they
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will not be cheated when they are in power
because they all, themselves, are expert cheaters.
I will omit my other points. If you
accede to my proposal, you will all
lead happy lives.
FIRST WOMAN:
O sweet Praxagora,
well said, and rightly said. Where did you learn,
darling, to make so fabulous a speech?
PRAXAGORA:
We were displaced awhile, my man and I,
and living on the Pnyx.o That’s where I learned
the art of speaking from the orators.
FIRST WOMAN:
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It’s no surprise, then, that you were so clever
and penetrating. Furthermore, we women
hereby do choose you as our general,
if you can carry what you have in mind
in the Assembly. But if Cephaluso
flings insults at you, how will you respond?
PRAXAGORA:
I’ll say that he’s a madman.
FIRST WOMAN:
Everybody
knows that he’s nuts already.
PRAXAGORA:
Then I’ll say
he’s got a nasty sickness.
FIRST WOMAN:
Everybody
knows that he’s sick already.
PRAXAGORA:
Then I’ll say
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a man like him who makes bad pottery
will do a great job shattering the city.
FIRST WOMAN:
What if that squinter Neocleideso starts
insulting you?
PRAXAGORA:
I’d tell him to go squint up
a dog’s behind.
FIRST WOMAN:
What if they try to screw you?
PRAXAGORA:
I’ll screw them back. I’m quite familiar with
the art of screwing.
FIRST WOMAN:
But there’s one more thing
we should discuss: What if policemen grab you?
PRAXAGORA: (making a violent gesture with her elbow)
I’ll elbow them like this. They’ll never get
the chokehold on me.
CHORUS LEADER:
If they lay hands on you,
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we’ll—we’ll—entreat them please to let you go.
FIRST WOMAN:
It’s good we’ve gotten all that figured out,
but there’s another thing we should consider: How
will we remind ourselves to raise our hands
to vote? Our legs are what we’re used to lifting.
PRAXAGORA:
That is a hard one.
(undraping her right arm and then raising her right hand)
All the same, try this—
undrape your right arm, then hold up that hand.
Lift up your hems, now. Quick, put on these boots
just as your husband does when he goes out
to the Assembly or on other business.
(The women start putting on their boots.)
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Then, when you have your boots put on just right,
tie on your beards.
(The women start putting on their beards.)
Then, when you’ve got the beards
positioned just exactly as they should be,
dress yourselves in the cloaks you swiped.
(The women start putting on the cloaks.)
Be sure
to drape them properly. Now, as you walk,
lean on your staffs and sing an old man’s song—
something that farmers from the sticks might sing.
CHORUS LEADER:
What good advice!
PRAXAGORA: (to the First and Second Woman)
Let’s go ahead before
these other ladies here, because I think
the women coming from the country will proceed
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straight to the Pnyx. Let’s get a move on, too,
because the rule up on the Pnyx is that
you must be in by dawn or go back home
with nothing for your troubles, not one clothespin.
(Praxagora and the First and Second Woman exit to the Assembly, stage right.)
CHORUS LEADER: (speaking to the chorus members)
Men, it is time for us to march. We always must remember
that we are men. That we are men must never slip our minds.
There’s no small risk to us if we get caught in these disguises
while we are perpetrating such a dark and risky deed.
CHORUS:
Strophe
Let’s march to the Assembly, gentlemen.
The magistrate has sounded out his warning:
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anyone not there early in the morning,
dust-covered, stuffed with an entire tureen
of garlic pickles for his morning meal,o
will not receive his pay: three obols.o Hey,
Smicythus, Draces, Charitimides,o
buddies, make certain that you strike the right
notes in the manly role you’ve got play.
After we’ve checked in, let’s be sure to sit
with one another so that we can raise
our hands in favor of whatever bill
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this coterie of women may propose.
Oops, “men” is what I meant to say.
Antistrophe
Let’s jostle the Assemblymen from town
who never showed up when the pay was less
but sat in garland shops and flapped their jaws.
Now they fight like crazy to get in.
Never in the glorious days of yore,
when brave Myronides was all the rage,
would anyone have dared to cast a vote
in expectation of a daily fee.
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No, we would show up for the privilege
with our own lunches: several onions, three
olives, wine to drink and bread to eat.
Now everybody wants three obols for
doing his sacred duty to the state
as if he were a common drudge.
(The Chorus exit toward the Assembly, stage right. Blepyrus enters from a stage door, wearing a yellow slip and women’s slippers.)
BLEPYRUS:
What’s the deal here? Where’s my wife gone off to?
It’s getting on toward dawn, and I can’t find her.
I was lying there in bed a long time
needing to shit and groping everywhere
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around in darkness looking for my shoes
and cloak. Well, I kept reaching all around
but couldn’t find them, and the poop-man kept on
trying to break my door down. So I up
and grabbed this slip here of my wife’s and put
her Persian slippers on.
Where can a fellow
shit in private? Where indeed? It’s night,
so anywhere will serve the turn, I guess.
No one is going to see me shitting here.
How dumb I was—a geezer like myself
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taking a young wife. I should get my hide
lashed good for it. She hasn’t left the house
on any proper errand at this hour.
Oh well, it’s time: I’ve really gotta go.
(Blepyrus hunches down as if to defecate. A Neighbor enters through a stage door.)
NEIGHBOR:
Who’s that out there? It’s not my next-door neighbor
Blepyrus, is it? Yes, by Zeus, that’s him.
Hey, what’s that yellow stuff all over you?
What happened? Has Cinesias the poeto
hit you with his spray?
BLEPYRUS:
I’m out here wearing
a yellow slip, a favorite of my wife’s.
NEIGHBOR:
But where’s your cloak?
BLEPYRUS:
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I wish that I could tell you.
I searched all over for it in the bedding
but couldn’t find it.
NEIGHBOR:
And you didn’t ask
your wife to tell you where it got off to?
BLEPYRUS:
I tried to, but she isn’t in the house.
She slipped away without my noticing,
and I fear she is somewhere misbehaving.
NEIGHBOR:
Hey, the same thing just happened at my house.
The woman I live with has gone somewhere
and must have brought the cloak I like to wear
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along with her. It’s no big deal, except
she also took my boots. I wasn’t able
to find them anywhere.
BLEPYRUS:
I couldn’t find
my boots as well and, since, as it so happens,
I had to shit, I put these slippers on
and rushed outside. I didn’t want to soil
the blanket—I just had it washed, you know.
NEIGHBOR:
Why did she leave? Maybe a friend of hers
asked her to breakfast?
BLEPYRUS:
That’s what I assume.
Far as I know, she isn’t cheating on me.
(Blepyrus squats again.)
NEIGHBOR:
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You must be pooping out a thick ship’s hawser.
Well, I’d best be off to the Assembly—
if I can find my cloak. I’ve just got one.
BLEPYRUS:
I’ll go there, too, when I have finished here.
I swear a pear has got me all blocked up.
NEIGHBOR:
Is it the same pear that Thrasybulus
introduced to the Spartans?o
BLEPYRUS:
Yep, the same.
The thing has got me terribly impacted.
(The Neighbor exits into his house, through a stage door.)
(to himself)
What am I going to do? This present pressure
isn’t my only problem. When I eat again,
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will there be room for still more poop? Already
Mr. Nowhere-Else-to-Go has got
my door sealed tight.
(to the audience)
Who will go and find
a doctor for me, and what kind of doctor?
Can any of you butt-hole virtuosos
suggest a clever cure for my condition?
Can Amynon tell me what to do?
He likely would deny his expertise.
Someone must absolutely go and find
Antisthenes. A connoisseur of grunting,
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that man knows when a butt-hole needs to shit.
Goddess of Childbirth,o don’t you leave me helpless
when I am crammed and bolted. Please don’t make me
play the role of comical commode.
(Chremes enters, stage right, carrying an empty shopping basket.)
CHREMES:
What are you doing there? Not shitting, are you?
BLEPYRUS:
Me? I’m done with that. I’m standing upright.
CHREMES:
Wait, do you have your wife’s slip on?
BLEPYRUS:
I do.
The house was dark. I took it by mistake.
Where are you coming from?
CHREMES:
From the Assembly.
BLEPYRUS:
The session has already been dissolved?
CHREMES:
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That’s right, before the sun had even risen.
Oh dear Zeus, the way they threw around
the red dye that they use to mark the tardy
got lots of laughs.
BLEPYRUS:
Did you receive three obols
as payment?
CHREMES:
Yeah, if only. I arrived
too late and, I’m ashamed to say, left there
with empty hands.
BLEPYRUS:
So you have gotten nothing?
CHREMES:
Yep, I have nothing but my shopping basket.
BLEPYRUS:
Because of what?
CHREMES:
A whole huge crowd of people,
bigger than ever, gathered at the Pnyx.
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They looked as if they were, you know, shoemakers.
The whole Assembly seemed so very pale.
So lots of folks (myself included) didn’t
receive the payment.
BLEPYRUS:
What you’re saying’s that,
if I went now, I wouldn’t get the payment?
CHREMES:
How would you? No, not now, not even if
you reached the Pnyx before the rooster crowed
a second time.
BLEPYRUS:
I am, alas, destroyed.
“Antilochus, sing out the dirge for me,
not those three obols. All I had is lost.”o
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But what was on the schedule that assembled
so very large a crowd at such an hour?
CHREMES:
The chairmen had proposed deliberation
on nothing less than “how to save the city.”
The squinter Neocleides was the first up.
While he was stumbling to the platform, people
started to shout as loud as you might guess:
“Isn’t it awful that this man presumes
to teach us how to save the city of Athens
when he can’t even rescue his own eyelids?”
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Squinting here and there, he yelled at them:
“What can I do about it?”
BLEPYRUS:
“Grind up garlic
with figs, throw in a bit of cayenne pepper
and rub the ointment nightly on your eyelids”—
that’s what I’d have said, if I’d been there.
CHREMES:
Next came that paragon Euaeon,o wearing
only a shirt, at least that’s what it looked like,
but he insisted that he had a cloak on.
The speech he made was very democratic:
“You see that I myself require salvation—
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a good four staters’ worth.o Well, all the same,
I’ll tell you how we ought to save the city
and people of Athens. If the clothesmakers
donated cloaks each year at winter solstice
to needy persons, none of us would ever
catch pneumonia again. What’s more,
we should permit all those who lack a bed
and quilt to go and, after washing up,
sleep in the tanneries. And, if a tanner
locks anybody out in wintertime,
he should be fined three quilts.”
BLEPYRUS:
480
A brilliant plan!
Everyone would have voted in his favor
if, in addition, he had moved grain dealers
should give three quarts of grain for every meal
to those in need or pay a fine. They could
have gotten something good from Nausicydes!o
CHREMES:
Next, a pale young man as pretty as
the little Niciaso got up and started
addressing the Assembly. He proposed
that we should give the women governance
490
of Athens. All those pale-faced shoemakers
immediately erupted into cheers
and roared, “Well said! Well said!,” while all the people
in from the country grumbled in the background.
BLEPYRUS:
They were the smart ones.
CHREMES:
But they were outnumbered.
The speaker hushed them with his shouts, insisting
women did only right, and you, much wrong.
BLEPYRUS:
What did he say?
CHREMES:
First off, he said you are
a crook.
BLEPYRUS:
Okay. And what did you get called?
CHREMES:
I’ll tell you later. Then he said you are
a thief.
BLEPYRUS:
Just me?
CHREMES:
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That’s right. And then he called you
a snitch.
BLEPYRUS:
Just me?
CHREMES: (gesturing to the audience)
Yes, you and all these people.
BLEPYRUS:
Well, there’s no denying they are snitches.
CHREMES:
He said that women are idea-people
and money-makers. Furthermore, he said,
they never compromise the Thesmophoria
by broadcasting its secrets, whereas men
blab all that they decide in private council.
BLEPYRUS:
Ain’t that the truth?
CHREMES:
And then he said that women
lend each other clothes, accessories,
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money and drinking cups just one on one
and not in front of witnesses and still
always return the things and never cheat
like most men, he insisted, do.
BLEPYRUS:
That’s true.
We even cheat when there are witnesses.
CHREMES:
And he went on extolling womankind
in many other ways: they don’t inform
on people; they don’t sue; they don’t usurp
the government—all winning qualities.
BLEPYRUS:
What was decided?
CHREMES:
That the women ought
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to run the government. That seemed to be
the only thing we haven’t tried.
BLEPYRUS:
It passed?
CHREMES:
That’s what I’m saying.
BLEPYRUS:
Women are in charge
of all us citizens had been in charge of?
CHREMES:
That’s what has happened.
BLEPYRUS:
So from here on out
my wife, not me, will have to deal with lawsuits?
CHREMES:
And she, not you, will care for your dependents.
BLEPYRUS:
And I won’t need to wake up with a groan
each morning?
CHREMES:
Nope, that now belongs to women.
You can quit your groaning, just stay home
and fart the day away.
BLEPYRUS:
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But there’s a risk
for men our age. Once women have assumed
the reins of Athens, they will force us to . . .
CHREMES:
To what?
BLEPYRUS:
. . . have sex with them. And if we can’t,
they will refuse to make us any breakfast.
CHREMES:
Well, you will simply have to find a way
to keep on fucking while you eat your breakfast.
BLEPYRUS:
Sex is miserable when you’re forced!
CHREMES:
A man must do all that the state decrees.
BLEPYRUS:
There is a certain saying our ancestors
540
have handed down to us: However thoughtless
and idiotic are the laws we pass,
everything will turn out for the best.
CHREMES:
Yes, by Athena and the other gods,
may all be for the best. I’ve gotta go.
Stay healthy, neighbor.
(Chremes exits into his house through a stage door.)
BLEPYRUS:
And you also, Chremes.
(Blepyrus exits into his house through a stage door. The Chorus of Athenian Women enter from the Assembly, stage right.)
CHORUS LEADER:
March, now, march!
Are any men behind us? Turn around and look about.
Mind your deportment. There are lots of nasty males around,
and one of them might watch our rears and know us from our movements.
CHORUS:
Strophe
550
Let’s stomp our feet loud as we can.
It would be shameful if the men
saw us like this. Stay wrapped up close
and keep tight watch to left and right,
far forward, far behind, so that
there will be no surprise for us.
CHORUS LEADER:
Quick, now, and make the dust fly with your marching. We are near
the place from which we first set out to go to the Assembly.
Now we can see the house in which our Great Protectress lives.
She is the one who came up with the plan that now is law.
CHORUS:
Antistrophe
560
No need to spend more time with these
absurd beards dangling from us.
It’s dawn. Some man might catch us here.
Watch for them, as we change ourselves,
under the shadow of the eaves,
back to the sex we were before.
CHORUS LEADER:
Don’t drag your feet, now, ladies. Here already we can see
our general coming out of the Assembly. All of you,
quick, now, get rid of those disgusting nets of hair your cheeks
have worn, with indignation, for what seems a long, long time.
(Praxagora enters from the Assembly, stage right.)
PRAXAGORA:
570
Ladies, we have been fortunate: this business
has gone as we had planned. Quick as you can, now,
lose those cloaks before a man can see you.
Undo those Spartan straps and let those boots
cease to impede you. Throw away your staffs.
(The women remove their cloaks and boots and set aside their staffs.)
(to the Chorus Leader)
You, there, arrange these women rank on rank
in military order. I, meanwhile,
will slip back in the house and put this cloak
back where I found it and replace the rest
before my husband catches sight of me.
(Praxagora exits into her house through a stage door. The Chorus Leader arranges the chorus members in a military formation. Praxagora reenters.)
CHORUS LEADER: (to Praxagora)
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All has been done according to your orders. It behooves you
to keep on training us. What useful deed can we perform
so that you want to keep us on as aids. All I can say is:
I’ve never met a more outstanding woman than yourself.
PRAXAGORA:
Then stand your ground right there. I will employ you as advisors
to help me with this new authority I have been granted.
Back there in the Assembly, when we faced great shouts and peril,
you proved yourselves to me by acting in a manly way.
(Blepyrus enters from his house through a stage door.)
BLEPYRUS:
Where have you been, Praxagora?
PRAXAGORA:
Is that your business, sir?
BLEPYRUS:
“Is that my business?” That is not the answer
the innocent would use.
PRAXAGORA:
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Now don’t you start
accusing me of being with some lover.
BLEPYRUS:
It’s likely you have been with more than one.
PRAXAGORA:
Alright, then, test me.
BLEPYRUS:
How?
PRAXAGORA:
Just smell my hair.
Do I have perfume on?
BLEPYRUS:
What? Can’t a woman
do the nasty without perfume on?
PRAXAGORA:
At least I can’t.
BLEPYRUS:
Why did you leave so early
without informing me? Why take my cloak?
PRAXAGORA:
A friend went into labor in the night
and asked that I attend her.
BLEPYRUS:
Couldn’t you
have told me you were going?
PRAXAGORA:
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And delay,
dear husband, giving help to someone
suffering as she was?
BLEPYRUS:
You should have told me.
Something isn’t right about all this.
PRAXAGORA:
I left just as I was. I swear to you.
Her maid demanded that I come at once.
BLEPYRUS:
Then shouldn’t you have worn your own slip there?
You stole the cloak I like to wear and left me
wrapped in your slip as if I were a body
awaiting burial. All I needed was
a wreath and urn.
PRAXAGORA:
610
Well, it was cold outside,
and I am delicate and sensitive,
so I put on your cloak to keep me warm.
I left you wrapped, husband, in quilts and comfort.
BLEPYRUS:
Hold on: Why did my boots and staff walk off
with you?
PRAXAGORA:
I took them too to sound like you,
so that no one would try to steal your cloak.
I stomped along inside the boots and used
the staff to hit at stones.
BLEPYRUS:
Aren’t you aware
you’ve made us lose eight quarts of grain? That’s what
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I’d planned to use the Assembly money for.
PRAXAGORA:
No worries. It’s a boy!
BLEPYRUS:
Who had a boy?
The Assembly?
PRAXAGORA:
No, the woman that I helped.
So the Assembly met today?
BLEPYRUS:
Didn’t I tell you
about it yesterday?
PRAXAGORA:
Now I remember.
BLEPYRUS:
Don’t you know what was decided there?
PRAXAGORA:
I don’t.
BLEPYRUS:
Well, you can sit and dine on squid
from here on out. I’ve heard the city of Athens
has now been handed over to you women!
PRAXAGORA:
For what? For weaving?
BLEPYRUS:
No, for governing.
PRAXAGORA:
What will we govern?
BLEPYRUS:
630
All affairs of state.
(The Neighbor enters from this house through a stage door and stands in the background, listening.)
PRAXAGORA:
From here on out, by Aphrodite, Athens
will be a happy place.
BLEPYRUS:
And why is that?
PRAXAGORA:
A lot of reasons. Henceforth nobody
will dare commit atrocities; nobody
will bear false witness; nobody will profit
off informing on a neighbor—
BLEPYRUS:
Wait!
By everything that’s holy, do you mean
to strip me of my daily bread?
NEIGHBOR: (cutting in on the conversation and moving out of the background)
Excuse me—
let the lady speak.
PRAXAGORA:
. . . and nobody
640
will break-and-enter; nobody will envy
other people; no more wearing rags;
no more poverty, and no more violence;
and no more dragging people into court.
NEIGHBOR:
That sounds just great—if only it were true.
PRAXAGORA:
I will convince you. You will be my witness,
and this man
(pointing to Blepyrus)
will be left without objections.
CHORUS: (to Praxagora)
Now is the time to use
your practical intelligence,
to waken the savvy mind that knows
650
how best to fight for friends.
It’s for the good of everyone
if an inspiring plan
to improve the lives of citizens
leaps from your tongue.
Now is the time
to show what brains can do.
We need a beneficial scheme.
Fully describe it, making sure
none of it has been done before:
the audience hates to watch the same
660
old stuff passed off as new.
CHORUS LEADER:
Let there be no delaying. Put your plan in action right away.
Swift execution—that is what the audience enjoys the most.
PRAXAGORA:
I feel the changes I will make will be improvements. All I fear
is that the audience members will refuse to “mine new veins of silver”o
and stick too much to worn-out, backward-looking ways of doing things.
BLEPYRUS:
Don’t worry—they will “mine new veins.” The guiding principles in Athens
are loving change and disregarding all that is traditional.o
PRAXAGORA:
Let no one cut me off and start repudiating me before
he hears and fully understands just what I am proposing to him.
670
Here’s what I say: that every person have a share in everything
and there be no more public property. Henceforth there will be no more
rich and poor, no more of one man owning lots and lots of acres
while another lacks sufficient land for his own grave; no more
of one man having slaves in great abundance, while another lacks
even a lone attendant. No, what I propose is that henceforth
there be identical conditions of existence for us all.
BLEPYRUS:
How do you mean “for all”?
PRAXAGORA:
You’d want to eat manure before I do.
BLEPYRUS:
Oh, won’t manure be shared as well?
PRAXAGORA:
No, no, you cut me off too soon.
This is what I have tried to tell you: First off, I will make all land,
680
all money, all that any person owns, collective property.
By proper management, frugality and due consideration,
we all will live off this collective wealth.
BLEPYRUS:
But what about the man
who has no land, but only gold and silver coins, the inconspicuous
kind of wealth?
PRAXAGORA:
He must present them to the common fund or else
be sentenced as a perjurer.
BLEPYRUS:
That’s how he got them in the first place.
PRAXAGORA:
Money will not be useful to him, anyway.
BLEPYRUS:
And why is that?
PRAXAGORA:
Nobody will be doing anything out of a desperate lack.
Everyone will have everything he needs: bread, salted fish, wheat cakes,
wine, clothing, garlands, chickpeas. What would be the benefit to him
690
of not surrendering his coins? If you can find one, let me know.
BLEPYRUS:
Even right now, though, isn’t it the biggest thieves who have the money?
PRAXAGORA:
My friend, that was before, when we were living under backward customs.
Now that we will be taking all we need out of a common fund,
where is his stake in not contributing his coins?
BLEPYRUS:
Alright, then, say
he sees a prostitute he wants to screw. He’ll get to take her price
out of the common fund and have the commonly desired pleasure
of screwing her?
PRAXAGORA:
No, he’ll be able to have sex with her for free.
My plan is all the women will belong to all the men in common
both for screwing and for making babies, as each man might wish.
BLEPYRUS:
700
How will this work, since every male will hurry to the prettiest female
and want to fuck her?
PRAXAGORA:
All the most flat-nosed and unattractive females
will stand beside the cute ones. If a male wants to enjoy the latter,
he first must screw an ugly one.
BLEPYRUS:
But what about us older men?
If we must screw the foul ones first, our cocks will fail before they reach
what you described.
PRAXAGORA:
That’s not a problem, since the women won’t be fighting
about you. Don’t you worry, they won’t fight.
BLEPYRUS:
About what, though?
PRAXAGORA:
About
not getting to have sex with you. They don’t want sex with you already.
BLEPYRUS:
That works out well for women, since, according to your scheme, no woman’s
hole will be left unbunged. But what about us menfolk? All the women
will shun the ugly and pursue the handsome.
PRAXAGORA:
710
That’s why the ugly men
will tail the handsome after dinner and observe them out in public,
since it will be illegal for the tall attractive ones to sleep
with women who have not first shared their favors with a shrimp or toad.
BLEPYRUS:
So now Lysicrates’s noseo will be as good as shapely ones!
PRAXAGORA:
That’s right! This is a democratic policy, and everyone
will laugh at reputable fellows with their fancy signet rings
when someone wearing big clodhoppers tells them, “Step aside
and wait your turn; I’ll give you sloppy seconds.”
BLEPYRUS:
If we live that way,
how will a man be able to identify which kids are his?
PRAXAGORA:
720
He won’t. The children will consider all the older males their fathers.
BLEPYRUS:
They will punctiliously strangle all the old men, one by one,
since even now, when sons know who their fathers are, they strangle them.
Imagine what will happen when the fathers are unknown! The young
will just start shitting on their elders, won’t they?
PRAXAGORA:
No, the others present
will stop the violence. In the past, when someone saw an old man beaten,
he wouldn’t interfere because it wasn’t any of his business.
Now everyone will fear the person being beaten is his father
and battle the assailants.
BLEPYRUS:
What you say is not completely crazy,
but it would be just awful if Leucolophas and Epicuruso
came up and called me father.
PRAXAGORA:
Still, it would be far, far worse if . . .
BLEPYRUS:
730
What?
PRAXAGORA:
. . . if Aristylluso hugged you and addressed you as his dear ol’ dad.
BLEPYRUS:
I’d make him howl for it.
PRAXAGORA:
You’d reek of mint if he came up and kissed you.o
But he was born before the law was passed, so there’s no need to fear
that he will do it.
BLEPYRUS:
That would be disgusting. Here’s another question:
Who will till the soil?
PRAXAGORA:
The slaves will do it. All you’ll have to do
is put on scent and go to dinner when the shadow of the sundial
grows to ten feet long.
BLEPYRUS:
But tell me this: From where will we get clothing?
PRAXAGORA:
Your current clothes will do at first, and later we will weave you others.
BLEPYRUS:
Another question: If the magistrates impose a fine on someone,
740
how will he pay it? From the public coffers? That would not be right.
PRAXAGORA:
There won’t be any lawsuits.
BLEPYRUS:
This decision will destroy you.
PRAXAGORA:
Yes,
it may, of course; but why should there be any lawsuits in the first place?
BLEPYRUS:
For many reasons. First, for when a borrower denies his debt.
PRAXAGORA:
Where would the lender get the funds to lend, if all is held in common?
He’d have to steal it from the state and then would clearly be a thief.
BLEPYRUS:
A clever answer! Tell me this, though: say some men are walking home,
drunk, from a feast and beat somebody up. How would they pay their fine?
I think I’ve got you this time.
PRAXAGORA:
No. Their food allowance would be docked.
Punished with hunger once, they wouldn’t misbehave like that again.
BLEPYRUS:
Will no one be a thief?
PRAXAGORA:
750
How can a man steal what he has a share in?
BLEPYRUS:
So no more muggings late at night?
NEIGHBOR:
Not if you sleep at home.
PRAXAGORA:
Not even
if you go out like you did in the past. All will be satisfied
with what they have. If someone tries to steal your cloak, you’ll let him take it.
Why fight to keep it? You can go and get a cloak at least as good
out of the common fund.
BLEPYRUS:
And gambling—men won’t gamble anymore?
PRAXAGORA:
What would they gamble for?
BLEPYRUS:
And what will be our quality of life?
PRAXAGORA:
The same for everyone. I plan to make this polity one household
by breaking down the walls, so everyone can enter every space.
BLEPYRUS:
Where will you serve up dinner?
PRAXAGORA:
In the law courts and the colonnades—
I’ll make them into dining rooms.
BLEPYRUS:
760
And what about the podiums?o
PRAXAGORA:
They’ll serve as cupboards for the bowls and pitchers and provide
places where children can recite poems about bold warriors
and cowards, too, to make the cowards too ashamed to join the meal.
BLEPYRUS:
How charming! And the ballot boxes, what will they be turned into?
PRAXAGORA:
They’ll stand beside Harmodius’s statue in the market,
and everyone will draw a ticket from them till they all have letters
and head off happy to whatever dining hall they’ve been assigned.
A herald will direct all those who drew the letter S to go
have dinner in the Stoa Basileus, those who drew an N
770
to go next door, and those who chanced to get a G to head
into the storehouse.
BLEPYRUS:
Is that G for “gulp”?
PRAXAGORA:
No, as in “get food there.”
BLEPYRUS:
But what about those citizens who miss their chance to draw a ticket
for dinner? Will the other ones, the lucky, drive them from the table?
PRAXAGORA:
But that will never happen. Every man will have
all that he needs to live and more. You all will leave
the feast, drunk, torch in hand and with a garland on.
Women will run to meet you in the streets and say,
“Come to my house, you’ll find a gorgeous young girl there.”
Another from a window on the second floor
780
will shout at you: “I have a young, fine, fair-skinned one.
Except, before you touch her, you must sleep with me.”
And all the ugly men, trailing the handsome ones,
will mock them with “Hey, where do you all think you’re going?
It doesn’t matter. You’ll be getting nothing anyway.
The law demands that we, the snub-nosed and the plain,
first fuck the women.
You can pass the downtime screwing
yourselves, with both hands on your twin-nut-dangling branch.”
Now, tell me, do you like what I’ve described?
BLEPYRUS:
Yes, very much so.
PRAXAGORA:
Good. Then I’ll be heading
790
off to the market to receive the goods
as they come in and to select a woman
graced with a powerful voice to be my herald.
I, as the woman voted into power,
have many new responsibilities.
I must arrange for the communal meals
so that you may enjoy the first of them
this very day.
BLEPYRUS:
The feasts will start today?
PRAXAGORA:
This very day. And then the prostitutes—
I want to put them out of business.
BLEPYRUS:
Why?
NEIGHBOR: (gesturing to the Chorus)
That’s obvious. So that these women here
800
can have the produce of the young men’s plowing.
PRAXAGORA:
Also, female slaves may now no longer
put makeup on and plunder Aphrodite
from freeborn women. Let those hussies trim
their bushes like a tidy swatch of wool
and sleep with slaves.
BLEPYRUS: (to Praxagora)
I want to walk beside you
so that the town will see me and exclaim,
“Look at the husband of our Great Protectress!”
NEIGHBOR:
And me, if I am going to bring my goods
810
down to the marketplace, I’d better get them
in order here and take an inventory.
(Praxagora exits to the market, stage left, with Blepyrus behind her. The Neighbor exits into his house through a stage door.)
(The Neighbor enters from his house. The slaves Sicon and Parmenon enter behind him in a parody of a ritual procession. They are carrying a sieve, a cooking pot, a table with a pitcher on it, a grinder, tripods, and a tray.)
NEIGHBOR:
O gorgeous sieve, finest of my possessions,
you who have strained so many sacks of flour
for me, come gorgeously out here and be
the basket-carrier in the procession
of all my things. Where is the sunshade holder?
Come out here, cooking pot. By Zeus, you’re black,
as if you boiled whatever compound dyes
Lysicrates’s hair.o You stand right there,
820
beside the sieve. Come out here, also, table,
and, like a pitcher-bearer, bring the pitcher
along with you. You, grinder, who have often
roused me with your aubade for the Assembly
at an ungodly hour, come out and be
musician for us.
(to Sicon)
You there with the tray,
come here and bring the honeycombs. Make sure
you lay the olive branches there beside them.
And bring the tripods and the oil flask, too.
Now, all you little pots, come marching in!
(A Man enters, stage left.)
MAN:
830
Why would I give up all of my possessions?
I’d be a wretched moron if I did.
So, never! Not at least until I duly
scrutinize the situation first.
Never because of words alone will I
give up the produce of my sweat and thrift,
not till I understand how things will go.
(to the Neighbor)
Hey, buddy, why is all this stuff out here?
What, do you plan on moving it somewhere?
Placing the lot of it in pawn?
NEIGHBOR:
Nope.
MAN:
840
Why have you stood it rank on rank? To march it
over to Hieron the auctioneer?o
NEIGHBOR:
Uh-uh. I’m going to turn it in to Athens
down in the square, just as the law requires.
MAN:
You’re really going to turn it in?
NEIGHBOR:
I am.
MAN:
By Zeus the Savior, you’re a wretch indeed.
NEIGHBOR:
How’s that?
MAN:
“How’s that?” Quite easily.
NEIGHBOR:
Why’s that?
Isn’t it proper to obey the laws?
MAN:
What laws, you chump?
NEIGHBOR:
The laws that have been passed.
MAN:
“The laws that have been passed”? You are a fool.
NEIGHBOR:
A fool?
MAN:
850
How not? You are the biggest sucker
ever.
NEIGHBOR:
Because I do what I’m supposed to?
MAN:
Oh, so you think a prudent man should do
what he’s supposed to do?
NEIGHBOR:
That most of all.
MAN:
Only a moron would behave that way.
NEIGHBOR:
You won’t be turning over your possessions?
MAN:
I plan to wait until I see what others
decide to do.
NEIGHBOR:
What will they do besides
get ready to surrender their possessions?
MAN:
Yeah, I will believe it when I see it.
NEIGHBOR:
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People are saying that’s what they will do.
MAN:
Of course they say it.
NEIGHBOR:
They are swearing they’ll
surrender all their goods.
MAN:
Of course they swear it.
NEIGHBOR:
Your total skepticism’s killing me!
MAN:
Of course they’re skeptical of it.
NEIGHBOR:
God damn you!
MAN:
Of course they say “God damn it.” Do you truly
believe that anyone who has a brain
will hand their goods in? It’s un-Athenian.
NEIGHBOR:
So we should only take things?
MAN:
Yes, we should.
That’s what the gods do too. Their statues’ hands
870
show clearly what they’re after. When we ask them
to give us blessings, they just stand there holding
their hands out, palm up, ready to receive,
not give.
NEIGHBOR:
Hey, let me do my work, you crank.
All this stuff needs packing. Where’s my rope?
MAN:
You’re really going to give up your possessions?
NEIGHBOR:
Yes, I am. I’m just about to pack
this pair of tripods.
MAN:
You are pretty foolish
not to wait and see what others do
and then at last . . .
NEIGHBOR:
Do what?
MAN:
. . . keep waiting longer
and drag your feet.
NEIGHBOR:
880
But why would I do that?
MAN:
Because, you moron, if an earthquake hits,
or lightning strikes, or if a black cat runs
across the street, the women will desist
from taking all our stuff.
NEIGHBOR:
It would be awful
if there were no place I could turn my stuff in.
MAN:
“No place” for your deposit? Don’t you worry.
Even if you wait a day, they’ll still
be eager to receive your property.
NEIGHBOR:
What do you mean?
MAN:
I know the sort of people
890
who quickly raise their hands to vote for something
can change their minds and scrap what they decided.
NEIGHBOR:
People will bring their stuff in. Trust me, buddy.
MAN:
What if they don’t?
NEIGHBOR:
Don’t worry. People will.
MAN:
What if they don’t?
NEIGHBOR:
We’ll make them.
MAN:
What if there
are more of them than you?
NEIGHBOR:
I’ll leave them be
and simply walk away.
MAN:
What if they sell
your stuff for profit?
NEIGHBOR:
I wish you would explode!
MAN:
And what if I exploded?
NEIGHBOR:
That would be great.
MAN:
Hey, are you really going to give your stuff up?
NEIGHBOR:
900
I am, because I see my neighbors turning
their stuff in, too.
MAN:
Yeah, sure, Antistheneso
will hand his goods in, though it would be better
if he took a thirty-day-straight shit.
NEIGHBOR:
Aw, go to hell!
MAN:
Hey, will Callimachus
the chorus mastero hand in anything?
NEIGHBOR:
Far more than Callias.o
MAN: (pointing to the Neighbor and addressing the audience)
This sucker’s gonna
lose all that he possesses.
NEIGHBOR:
You just keep
exaggerating.
MAN:
How, exaggerating?
As if I haven’t seen such laws before!
910
Don’t you recall the mandate that they passed
regarding salt?o
NEIGHBOR:
I do.
MAN:
Don’t you remember
when we voted out those copper coins?o
NEIGHBOR:
I do. Those things proved terrible for me,
because, when I had sold my grapes, I stuffed
my whole mouth full of them and went to market
to buy some barley. Then when I held out
my little bag of coins, the herald blared,
“Nobody’s taking copper anymore;
We’re on to silver now.”
MAN:
Didn’t we all
920
just lately vow we’d raise five hundred talents
for Athens off the tax Heurippideso
had levied? Oh my, yes, Heurippides
was made of gold. But, when we looked more closely,
we saw his tax was just the same old story
and not enough for what we needed. Then,
oh my, Heurippides was tarred and feathered.
NEIGHBOR:
Buddy, it’s not the same. Back then we men
were ruling; now the women are in charge.
MAN:
And I will watch them closely, by Poseidon,
or else they’ll piss on me.
NEIGHBOR:
930
You’re talking nonsense.
I just don’t understand.
(to Parmenon)
Boy, lift this baggage!
(The Female Herald enters from the market, stage left.)
FEMALE HERALD:
Here is a message to the citizens:
Proceed directly to our Great Protectress
so that you can all draw lots, and chance
can tell you where you will enjoy your dinner.
The tables have been set and plied with goodies.
The couches have been made with coverlets
and pillows. Slaves are mixing wine in bowls
and perfume girls are standing in a line.
940
Fillets of fish are being grilled, and rabbits
are being spitted, rolls are in the oven,
garlands are being woven, and treats are roasting.
Little girls are boiling pots of soup.
Smoeuso is with them in his riding suit,
licking their bowls. And old Gerono is there
wearing a nice new cloak and fancy shoes.
His boots and rags abandoned, he is telling
jokes to a young man. Come on! Come, partake!
A slave is standing by to serve you bread.
950
You only have to open up your mouths!
(The Female Herald exits, stage left.)
MAN:
Alright, then, let’s get going! Why am I
still standing here, when Athens has approved
a spread as rich as that?
NEIGHBOR:
Where are you going?
You haven’t turned in your possessions yet.
MAN:
To dinner.
NEIGHBOR:
Not you. If they have a brain,
those ladies won’t allow you in to dine
until you hand your whole stock in.
MAN:
I will.
NEIGHBOR:
When, though?
MAN:
I won’t be the problem, pal.
NEIGHBOR:
What does that mean?
MAN:
That other men will surely
960
hand in their possessions after me.
NEIGHBOR:
And you will go to dinner all the same?
MAN:
What else can I do? All conscientious
citizens must work to serve the city
as best they can.
NEIGHBOR:
What if they shut you out?
MAN:
I’ll charge on in.
NEIGHBOR:
What if they whip you back?
MAN:
I’ll sue them.
NEIGHBOR:
And what if they laugh your case off?
MAN:
I’ll stand beside the door . . .
NEIGHBOR:
And do what? Tell me.
MAN:
. . . and grab the food that they are carting in.
NEIGHBOR:
Then wait and try to sneak in after me.
(to Sicon and Parmenon)
970
Hey, Sicon, and you, Parmenon, it’s time
for us to start to carry out my stuff.
MAN:
Here, let me help you out with that.
NEIGHBOR:
No way!
I won’t have you pretending that my stuff
belongs to you when I surrender it
to our Protectress.
(The Neighbor exits, stage left, with Sicon and Parmenon, carrying all his possessions.)
MAN:
What I need’s a plan
that will allow me both to keep my things
and have a share of all the delicacies
they are preparing for the people of Athens.
Aha! I think I’ve got it! I must go in
980
to dine with them, and I must go there quick!
(The Man exits, stage left. The First Old Woman enters through a stage door, followed by the Piper. The Girl enters through the other stage door.)
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Why aren’t the men here yet? It’s getting late.
Well, here I am, with makeup plastered on me,
posing in a saffron-colored dress,
whistling a little ditty to myself
and acting girl-like so that I can snatch
some fellow as he passes. Muses, come
into my lips,o discover for me some
risqué Ionian tune.o
GIRL:
You’ve beaten me,
you moldy hag. You are the first one out here
990
looking for boys. You thought that, with me absent,
you could pillage an unguarded vineyard
by leading on the young men with your song.
If you start singing, I will sing as well.
And, even if this irritates the audience,
still there is something charming in it, comic.
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (gesturing to her butt)
Complain to this and then get out of here.
(to the Piper)
O piper darling, take your pipes in hand
and play a ditty worthy of us both.
Whoever wants to learn what pleasure is
1000
should come inside and sleep with me.
Maturer women understand finesse
better than girls do. No one knows
the art of pleasuring a lover-boy
so well as I. Mademoiselles
fuck once and fly away to someone else.
GIRL:
Don’t envy us, the younger girls, because
softness is living in our lissome thighs
and blooming on our breasts. You, horrid crone,
all trimmed and tweezed and plastered over with
1010
foundation, are the darling honeybun
of Death.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
I pray your twat falls off and, when you ache
for pleasure, you can’t find a couch.
I hope that, when you want to smooch
in bed, you find you have embraced a snake.
GIRL:
Alas, poor me, boo-hoo, boo-hoo!
My boyfriend’s late. I’m here alone.
I needn’t tell you what I’ll do,
now that my mother’s gone.
(calling inside the house)
1020
O nurse, O nurse, bring in
Sir Dildo. I’ll use him instead.
A thousand blessings on your head.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
So, you wretch,
you have an itch
for the Ionian tool.o
I bet that you
are also inclined
to suck off mankind
the way that all
1030
the Methymnan women do.o
GIRL:
I’ll never let you walk off with
my toys, my boys.
I’ll never let you spoil my youth
or steal my time.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Sing any song you want and just keep looking,
alley cat—no man will visit you
before he stops and visits me.
GIRL:
At least
not for my funeral. Hey, that’s a fresh one.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
No it isn’t.
GIRL:
Who could tell a crone
a joke she hasn’t heard?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
1040
It’s not my age
that’s going to make you ache.
GIRL:
What will it be, then?
Your rouge? Your war paint?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Why do you keep talking?
GIRL:
Why do you keep looking out your door?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Me, I’m singing for Epigenes,
my lover.
GIRL:
The only lover you’ll be getting
is geriatric Geres.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Wait and see—
he’ll soon be here and come inside my house.
(Epigenes enters, stage left, carrying a torch.)
Here he is now.
GIRL:
Not wanting anything
from you, old bag.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Not so, not so, you rail.
GIRL:
1050
The man himself will show which one he wants.
I’m heading in.
(The Girl exits through a stage door.)
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Me, too, so that you know
how much more confident I am than you.
EPIGENES:
I wish that I could only do
the young and pretty one
and weren’t required first to screw
a flat-nose or a crone.
This is intolerable for a freeborn man.
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (to Epigenes, who does not hear or see her)
Oh, you’ll be sorry if you fuck that girl.
This is no longer Charixena’s hour.o
1060
You must obey the law, because we are
now living under a democracy.
(to the audience)
But I’ll go in and wait for his decision.
(The First Old Woman exits into her house through a stage door.)
EPIGENES:
I pray, by all the gods, that I may find
the girl alone. It’s her I’ve come to see
now that I’m drunk, her that I’ve long desired.
(The Girl opens a window in the wooden backdrop.)
GIRL: (to the audience)
Ha, I’ve completely fooled that damn old lady.
She went in thinking I would stay gone, too.
He’s here at last, the boy we were discussing.
(to Epigenes)
Come here, my dear, come here
1070
and vow to be my paramour
until the break of day.
Desire has set me reeling
over your mass of curly hair.
A strange new feeling
for you will not stop wearing me away.
Only you can release me, Eros, God
of Love. I beg, I plead:
drive this boy into my bed.
EPIGENES:
Come here, my dear, come here.
1080
Run down and open up the door.
If you won’t let me in,
I’ll pass out on your stoop.
I want to slap your derriere.
I want to languish in your lap.
Why, Cypris, are you driving me insane?
Only you can release me, Eros, God
of Love. I beg, I plead:
Drive this girl into my bed.
Words cannot express
1090
just how excessive is the pain
I’m feeling for you. Lovely one,
I beg of you, oh please, oh please
receive me, open up your door.
It’s you I’m aching for.
Well-made golden prize,
Cyprian snippet, O you Muses’
sweet bee, you nursling of the Graces,
O paragon of pleasure, please
receive me, open up your door.
1100
It’s you I’m aching for.
(The Girl closes the window. Epigenes knocks on the door to the Girl’s house. The First Old Woman enters from her house next door.)
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Hey, why are you knocking? Are you here for me?
EPIGENES:
No way.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
You sure were banging on my door.
EPIGENES:
I’d sooner die.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Who have you come here after,
torch in hand?
EPIGENES:
I’m here for Master Bates.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Who’s that?
EPIGENES:
Not Mr. Fuck, the one you seem
to be expecting.
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (grabbing Epigenes)
Oh, you’re Mr. Fuck,
whether you want to be or not.
EPIGENES:
But we
are entering no hearings on the docket
for cases over sixty at this time.
1110
We’ve pushed them back until some future date.
Right now we’re trying cases under twenty.o
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
That is the way things used to be, my sweet.
The law now states you first must “enter” me.
EPIGENES:
It’s dealer’s choice here in this game of chance.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Those weren’t the rules back when you ate your dinner.
EPIGENES:
Sorry, but I don’t understand what you
are saying. I must knock on this door here.
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (gesturing to her crotch)
Not until you knock on this door here.
EPIGENES:
We aren’t looking for a knocker now.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
1120
I know you love me. You were merely startled
by finding me outdoors. Now give me kisses.
EPIGENES:
No ma’am. I’m far too frightened of your boyfriend.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Who’s that?
EPIGENES:
The most prolific of the painters.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Who?
EPIGENES:
The one who paints on urns for corpses.
You’d best go in before he sees you lurking.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Oh I know, I know what you desire.
EPIGENES:
And I, what you desire.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
By Aphrodite,
I drew your name by luck out of the jar
and I won’t give you up.
EPIGENES:
You crazy hag.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
1130
Stop yammering. I’m taking you to bed.
EPIGENES: (to the audience)
Why should we purchase tongs to gather buckets
out of a well, when we could send a grasping
crone like this one down and have her snatch them?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Quit teasing, dear, and come inside my house.
EPIGENES:
I won’t, unless you’ve paid the city of Athens
the service tax for me.
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Oh yes you will.
I love sleeping with nice young men.
EPIGENES:
I loathe
the thought of sleeping with a hag like you.
I never will consent.
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (holding up a scroll)
This will compel you.
EPIGENES:
What’s that?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
1140
A law that says you have to come
inside my house.
EPIGENES:
Read it from start from finish.
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (unrolling the scroll and reading from it)
I will: “It is the law that, if a young man
wants a girl his age, he may not bang her
until he fucks an old hag first. If he should,
in his desire for the girl, refuse
the prior coitus, then the hag may grab
the young man’s pecker with impunity
and pull him off with her.”
EPIGENES:
Oh no, it seems
today I’m going to have to play Procrustes.o
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
The laws must be obeyed.
EPIGENES:
1150
What if a friend
or neighbor comes and offers bail for me?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Men are not permitted to transact
business of greater value than a bushel.o
EPIGENES:
Can’t I object?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
You won’t be wriggling free.
EPIGENES:
What if I get a businessman’s exemption?o
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
You’d regret it!
EPIGENES:
So what can I do?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
Come into my place.
EPIGENES:
Must I, really?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
The mandate has the strength of Diomedes!o
EPIGENES:
Well, strew the funeral bed with marjoram,
1160
break off four boughs and lay them underneath it.
Drape the bed with ribbons, then set urns
on either side and in the doorway place
a water jug.o
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
When we are done, you’ll end up
buying me a wedding garland too!
EPIGENES:
I will, if I can find a garland made
of wax—the kind they use in funerals—
because I bet you will be breaking down
real fast in there.
(The Girl enters from her house through a stage door.)
GIRL:
Where are you taking him?
FIRST OLD WOMAN:
I’m bringing my own man back to my house.
GIRL:
1170
That wouldn’t be a prudent thing to do.
Young as he is, he’s not the proper age
to go to bed with you. You’re much more like
his mother than his wife. If you begin
to live by this new law, you will be making
all the men of Athens Oedipuses.o
FIRST OLD WOMAN: (to the Girl)
You filthy whore, you’re jealous. That’s why you
came up with that. I’ll get you back for it.
(The First Old Woman exits through a stage door.)
EPIGENES: (to the Girl)
By Zeus the Savior, you have earned my thanks,
sweetheart, for driving off that foul old thing.
1180
Tonight, as compensation, I will slip you
a great big, meaty favor in return.
(A Second Old Woman enters, stage right.)
SECOND OLD WOMAN: (to the Girl, while taking hold of Epigenes)
Stop that. By dragging off this gentleman,
you are committing an illegal act.
He first must sleep with me—that’s what the law says.
EPIGENES:
Oh no! What hole has loosed you on the world,
you damned and horrid thing? This monster looks
even more ugly than the one before.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Come here, now.
EPIGENES: (to the Girl)
Please don’t let her drag me off!
(The Girl exits into her house through a stage door.)
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
It is the law, not me, that drags you off.
EPIGENES:
1190
Empusao does, her face a big blood-blister.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Come here, you mama’s boy, and don’t talk back.
EPIGENES:
Please let me go and take a dump first, then
I’ll steel myself for sex. If you don’t let me,
you’ll have to see me be defiled with terror—
that is, I’ll have to drop a load right here.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Be strong; keep moving. You can poop inside.
EPIGENES:
I fear that I’ll do more than poop in there.
(gesturing toward his testicles)
I’ll leave two priceless sureties with you
if you just let me go and do my business.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Stop making trouble for me.
(A Third Old Woman enters, stage left.)
THIRD OLD WOMAN: (to Epigenes)
1200
Hey you there,
where are you going with that woman?
EPIGENES:
“Going”?
I’m being dragged. Whoever you might be,
bless you if you, instead of merely watching,
step in and help me in my hour of need.
(seeing the Third Old Woman for the first time)
Great Heracles! Great Pan! O Corybantes!o
O Dioscuri!o Here’s another creature
more repulsive than this other one.
Please, someone tell me what this monster is.
An ape in makeup? An abomination
out of the underworld?
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
1210
Stop cracking jokes
and come along.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Oh no, you come with me.
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
I’ll never let you go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
No, never, never.
EPIGENES:
You’re tearing me in half, you wretched beasts!
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
You’re coming back to my house—it’s the law!
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
Not if an even fouler hag shows up!
EPIGENES:
Tell me, how will I screw the pretty one
after you two have utterly destroyed me?
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
That’s not my problem.
(making an obscene gesture)
You just go like this.
EPIGENES:
Which of the two of you must I fuck first
so that I can be free?
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
1220
Me first, of course.
Come on.
EPIGENES:
Then make this other one release me.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
No way! Come here with me!
EPIGENES:
If she lets go.
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
I never will release you.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Me, too: never.
EPIGENES:
You two would make harsh boatmen on a ferry.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
Why’s that?
EPIGENES:
You’d pull your passengers to pieces.
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
Shush, now, and come along.
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
No, come with me!
EPIGENES:
This here is like Cannonus’s decree.o
I must appear in court in chains and fuck
the prosecution. How, then, will my oar
drive on two boats at once?
SECOND OLD WOMAN:
1230
You’ll do just fine
once you have eaten up a whole potful
of potent bulbs.o
EPIGENES:
Oh no, I’m done for, now!
The creature won’t stop dragging me away.
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
You won’t escape like that. I will be here
mere steps behind you.
EPIGENES:
Help me, gods. I’d rather
fight with a single evil than with two.
THIRD OLD WOMAN:
Whether you will or no, you’re coming in.
EPIGENES: (to the audience)
I’m three times ruined if I have to fuck
a hag all night and then all day and then,
1240
when I have gotten free of her, start in
again on a decrepit toad who has
a funeral urn just waiting by her jaws.
Am I not cursed? By Zeus the Savior, yes,
I am a heavy-fated, an unlucky man,
because I will be locked up with these beasts!
Well, if the worst befalls me while I’m sailing
into port atop these fallen women,
bury me right there in the channel’s mouth.
(gesturing to the Third Old Woman)
And this one—cover her alive in tar
1250
all over, dip her feet in molten lead
up to the ankles, then erect her over
my grave to be my funerary urn.
(The Second and Third Old Woman drag Epigenes off through a stage door. A Slave Girl enters, stage left.)
SLAVE GIRL:
Blest citizens, and happy land, and her,
our most blest leader, and you women standing
before our door, and all you next-door neighbors
and people from the neighborhood, and me
as well, a maid whose hair has been anointed
with the finest perfumes. Praise Lord Zeus!
But all such scents are nothing when compared
1260
with those fine little jugs of Thasian wine.
It stays inside your head a long time after
the perfumes have forsaken their bouquets
and wholly vanished. Yes, this wine’s the best
by far, the gods be praised! Serve it unmixed,
and, if you pick the jar that smells the richest,
it will keep you happy all night long.
But women, tell me please where is my master—
um, I mean the husband of my mistress?
CHORUS LEADER:
Just wait right here and he should come along.
(Blepyrus enters stage right.)
1270
Look, here he is now, heading out to dinner.
SLAVE GIRL: (to Blepyrus)
How happy you must be, my thrice-blest master!
BLEPYRUS:
Me?
SLAVE GIRL:
Yes you. The happiest man of all.
Who could be luckier? More than thirty thousand
people in this town, and you alone
have not had dinner.
CHORUS LEADER: (with irony)
Yes, you have described him
as quite a lucky gentleman indeed.
SLAVE GIRL:
Where are you headed now?
BLEPYRUS:
I’m off to dine.
SLAVE GIRL:
You’ll be the latest to arrive by far.
Nevertheless, your wife instructed me
1280
to come and get you and escort you there,
along with all these girls. There’s still some Chian
wine left, and lots of other tasty things,
so come on, hurry up.
(to the audience)
You audience members,
if you, by chance, have kindly thoughts, you judges,
if you still are watching this production,
come along. We’re providing everything!
BLEPYRUS:
Why don’t you be a generous hostess, welcome
everyone in and shut out no one? Yes,
freely invite the senior citizen,
1290
the youth, the child. A dinner has been laid
for each and every one of them, and all
they have to do is hurry to their homes.
I’m heading off to dine right now. Thank goodness
I’ve got this little torch right here to guide me.
CHORUS LEADER: (to Blepyrus)
Why are you just standing there? Come, now,
why not collect these girls and get a move on?
While you are heading down to dinner, I
will sing a ditty as an appetizer.
(to the audience)
Oh, but I want to share some humble little
1300
bits of advice with all the judges first:
Let the wiser ones remember what is wise in this and vote for me.
Let the ones who like to laugh remember all the jokes and vote for me.
Yes, it’s nearly every one of you I ask to vote for me.o
Don’t punish us because we drew the lot that made us go on first
but, keeping this entire production in your mind, don’t break your oath:
Always be fair when voting on the choruses. Don’t act like bad
prostitutes who remember only their most recent customers.
CHORUS: (dancing)
Dear ladies, come, make haste.
Let’s all go to the feast
1310
so we can have our share of it.
(to Blepyrus)
Let the wild rhythms of Crete
put wild movement in your feet.
BLEPYRUS: (dancing)
I am. I am.
CHORUS:
You girls, make sure your light
steps, too, keep time.
Now there will be served, en masse,
limpet, saltfish, dogfish, shark,
mullets, sardines in pickle sauce,
rooster, crusted wagtail, lark,
1320
thrush, blackbird, dove and slices
of mulled-wine-marinated hare,
all drenched in oil and vinegar,
silphium, honey, all the spices.
Now that you’ve heard about the feast,
go grab a plate and raise some dust
running to get your hands on pudding.
BLEPYRUS:
Oh yeah, the town’s already eating.
CHORUS:
Lift up your feet, now, hey, hey, hey.
We’re off to eat, hurray!
1330
Hurray, this feels like victory!
Hurray! Hurray!
(Blepyrus, the Slave Girl, and the Chorus exit, dancing, stage left.)