Back of stage is undisclosed, TRAMP is again lying in the foreground, musing.
TRAMP It’s very haird … but it’s very interesstin’ — Them little buggers with all the legs on them is queer men. Don’t give a damn for one another — every man for himself. You ate me or I’ll ate you.
EGG (Shouting) The universe approaches its supreme crisis. Soon it will be liberated, calm, triumphant. I am about to be born.
TRAMP Now take your man. He thinks he’s Number One. Never heard of annybody he likes as well as himself. He thinks he’s the whole bloody world. And look at the size of him, stuffed into a bloody egg, a thing I’d ate for me breakfast without lookin’ at it. Of course I know what’s wrong with all these lads. They’ve no proper system or way of workin’. They’re not organized if you understand me.
EGG Strange lights are glowing, strange sweet sounds are thickening the air, a frightful and majestic cataclysm is at hand.
TRAMP Begob I think I’ve put me finger on it there. That’s the difference between meself and me likes and them lads. We have a system, a proper way of wOrkin’. We have what they call a plan. Every man with his own job, all workin’ away together for the good of all. What they call the Nation.
EGG I will soar aloft, traverse vast spaces, accomplish miraculous tasks. I am nearly born!
TRAMP Begorrah now, I think that’s about the size of it. Human beins’ is civilized because they do be workin’ for one another and workin’ together. But these mad whores here do be atin’ one another. And that’s just the difference between the two. (He begins feeling himself and the ground about him.) Ay, what’s this? ANTS, be God! Millions of the buggers — I must be sittin’ on an ant hill …
Meanwhile the curtain has risen to reveal the Ant Hill, a featureless and uneven situation crowded with ever-moving ants; they carry confused objects that look like tools and each drags along a round white object. In the centre an ant wearing a card marked BLIND sits and counts continuously. The ants speak with a most pronounced Belfast accent.
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore, wun tew three fore …
TRAMP Ay, what’s this? What’s goin’ on here? What are you countin’ for, Jem?
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore …
TRAMP Ay, come here Jem, what’s the countin’ for? Is this a factory or what?
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore …
TRAMP Do you hear me — WHAT’S GOIN’ ON? Look at the way all the lads are movin’ in step to the blind fella. Begob you’d swear they were all worked be clockwork!
BLIND ANT Wun tew three fore …
CHIEF ENGINEER rushes in.
CHIEF ENGINEER Come awn now — quacker, d’ye hear me — quacker, wun tew three fore.
They all move quicker.
TRAMP (Shouting) Ay, you, what’s goin’ on here? What class of work is this? Is this a bloomin’ factory?
CHIEF ENGINEERHoo orr yew ond what’s yoor busness here?
TRAMPWhat do you mean ‘business’?
CHIEF ENGINEERWhuch of the awnts do ye wont tay see?
TRAMPNow listen here to me, I’m a man, d’you understand, A MAN. I’m not an ant and I don’t want to have anny conversations with anny ant, I’m not as far-gone as that yet.
CHIEF ENGINEER Thus us the Prawvince of the Awnts, yoo’ve no reight to be here at all if yoo’re not an awnt.
TRAMP Is that so. Well it’ll take more than you to shift me.
SECOND ENGINEER runs in.
2nd ENGINEER A grawnd new discovery, Ah’ve discovered something grawnd!
CHIEF ENGINEERWhat us it?
2nd ENGINEER A new way of mackin’ them wurk quacker! Don’t count wun tew three fore — count blank tew three fore. Are ye lustenin’ to me, Bliend Fella?
BLIND ANTWun tew three fore …
2nd ENGINEER Naw naw, yew’re wrong, blank tew three fore, blank tew three fore.
The ants move more quickly still.
TRAMPDo you know what I’m goin’ to tell you, you’re makin’ my head go round worse than anny feed of malt ever did. I’m dizzy!
2nd ENGINEEROnd hoo is thus mon?
TRAMPI’m a person from other parts.
2nd ENGINEERWhere frum, did ye say?
CHIEF ENGINEERHe’s a thing from what ye mieght call the Hewman Awnt Heap, do ye ondherstawnd me.
2nd ENGINEEROnd where is thon in Go-id’s name?
TRAMPAh yerra miles away man. It’s here too, of course. You’ll find my kind of lads everywhere.
2nd ENGINEERAh thank yoo’re a wee fool.
TRAMPPeople like me is the lords of creation. That’s a quare one for you!
2nd ENGINEERHa-ha-ha, the lowerds of creation!
CHIEF ENGINEERWe’re the only peepil thot motter.
2nd ENGINEERWe’re the bawsses, do ye ondherstawnd.
CHIEF ENGINEERWe’re the mawsters.
2nd ENGINEERThae mawsters of the Awnt Kingdom.
CHIEF ENGINEERThe biggest of all the Awnt Kingdoms!
2nd ENGINEEROnd the bee-est.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd the strongest, do ye ondherstawnd!
2nd ENGINEEROnd the most loyal!
CHIEF ENGINEERThe Awnt State will feight ond the Awnt State wull be rieght!1
TRAMPI … beg … your … par-din?
2nd ENGINEERWe wurk to keep in step!
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd to show we’re loyal!
2nd ENGINEEROnd to show we don’t care a domn for thon Awnt over in Rome!2
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd to show we’re hord-headed, do ye ondherstawnd!
TRAMP(Incredulously) I see. I’m sure them’s all very good reasons but I don’t understand them right. What’s all this rushin’ around for?
2nd ENGINEERThus us a grawnd big foctory, d’ye see, for mackin’ things.
CHIEF ENGINEERFor mackin ships ond trains ond nuts ond bolts.
2nd ENGINEER Ond onny soert of a thang thot’s hard, do ye ondherstawnd.
CHIEF ENGINEERBecause we’re very hord-headed awnts.
2nd ENGINEEROnd because we’re port of the Empiere.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd because we keep in step.
2nd ENGINEEROnd show avrybody we’re loyal, d’ye see.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd because we know what’s what.
2nd ENGINEEROnd because thon awnts in the south is jalous of us.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd because thon porties hov tacken down the flag of the Good Awnts ond poot up some other flag.
2nd ENGINEEROnd because they’re not loyal, d’ye see.
CHIEF ENGINEERThey all do what thon awnt over in Rome tals them.
2nd ENGINEEROnd thot’s whey they all tok Latin.
CHIEF ENGINEERA dad longuage.
2nd ENGINEEROnd they want to mack us tok Latin too.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd hov it taught in the schools.3
2nd ENGINEEROnd hov it shoved down the wee awnts nacks.
CHIEF ENGINEERA dad longuage.
2nd ENGINEEROnd no good to onyone that hos to eemigrate to gat a luvin.’
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd they won’t hov anybody tokin’ the Good Awnts’ longuage.
2nd ENGINEERNaw, they want a dad longuage.
CHIEF ENGINEERThot’s no good anywhere excapt in Rome.
2nd ENGINEEROnd thot’s whey we’re wurkin’ so hard mackin’ hard things.
CHIEF ENGINEERTay show we’re loyal.
2nd ENGINEEROnd hord-headed.
CHIEF ENGINEEROnd ready to fieght for the rieght to keep in stap.
2nd ENGINEER In stap with the Awnt Empiere.
CHIEF ENGINEER On which the sun never sats.
2nd ENGINEER Tha grawndest empiere in the wurld.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond the richest empiere.
2nd ENGINEER Ond the empiere where there’s no Latin tokd.
CHIEF ENGINEER Up his mojesty the king awnt!
2nd ENGINEER Ond to hal with thon awnt in Rome!
TRAMP Yerra I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about and yo don’t aither. Sure all ants is the same. They’re all little round dark fellas. They only think they’re different. You’re all crazy, gettin’ into a sweat about nothin’.
CHIEF ENGINEER We’ll fieght for the rieght to be loyal.
2nd ENGINEER Ond the rieght to keep in stap.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond for the rieght to axport the hard things we’re mackin’ in this foctory.
2nd ENGINEER Ond we’ll fieght for our holy ralugion.
BLIND ANT Blank tew three fore, blank tew three fore …
2nd ENGINEER Quacker! We’re wastin’ time. Quacker, quacker!
CHIEF ENGINEER The horder we wurk, the safer we are from those bawd awnts in the south.
TRAMP But sure them other ants you’re talkin’ about isn’t bitin’ you at all. Take it aisy now. And don’t keep on repeatin’ them slogans you have or I’ll be believin’ them meself next.
CHIEF ENGINEER We’re defandin’ our honour!
2nd ENGINEER Ond the honour of all our dead awnts of glorious and immortal mamory.4
CHIEF ENGINEER (Roaring at the ants) QUACKER! QUACKER!!
TRAMP (Musing) I don’t know. What would happen if they all sat down and took a rest? Nothing.
BLIND ANT Blank tew three fore, blank tew three fore …
TRAMP These poor whores has a lot of oul chat off be heart and they keep sayin’ it and sayin’ it and workin’ for it and workin’ for it. And what harm but it means nothin’ as far as I can see.
2nd ENGINEER Quacker, Quacker!
TRAMP I wonder who told them all them yarns.
An ant collapses, dying.
2nd ENGINEER Whot’s thon? Quacker, quacker!
CHIEF ENGINEER Blank tew three fore. Carry him off, quack! Tack away the body. Blank tew three fore!
2nd ENGINEER He died because he’s loyal, he died for the empiere of the Good Awnts.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Shouting) Luft him up rieght and tack him out quack! Yew’re wastin’ time, d’ye see. Hurry, quacker!
TRAMP Well begob you can’t say he wasted anny time himself when he was dyin’. He passed out like a lighted match, the poor bastard.
2nd ENGINEER He died because he was tryin’ to keep in stap.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond now he’s a glorious awnt of immortal memory. Quacker! Blank tew three fore.
Enter a POLITICIAN, groping, lost in thought.
POLITICIANGet away now ond don’t talk to me. I’m thankin’.
2nd ENGINEER Thon’s our wee head Politeecian.
POLITICIANAh’ve got a grawnd idea for a new slogan. Don’t say a word, don’t mack any noise. I’m thankin’.
2nd ENGINEER Do ye mind that now.
POLITICIAN A grawnd … new … poleetical … slogan, d’ye see.
CHIEF ENGINEER A slogan that’ll mack them work horder ond be more hord-headed!
POLITICIANA slogan that’ll mack them fieght ond be right ond be loyal ond keep in stap. Stop, now, I nearly have it!
2nd ENGINEER Be quiet, the Politeecian is thankin’.
CHIEF ENGINEER On thot’s what we’re bodly in need of — a grawnd new slogan, d’ye see.
POLITICIANA slogan that’ll mack them join the Ormy in thousands and mullions ond hundreds of mullions of thousands, tans of thousands of mullions of mullions.
2nd ENGINEER Ond die in mullions to keep in stap.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond to show they’re hord-headed ond loyal.
POLITICIANOch, it’s swirlin’ around unside my head, a grawnd new slogan, Ah’ll have it in a minit, don’t any-body say a wurd now.
2nd ENGINEER The Politeecian is thankin’ hord.
CHIEF ENGINEER He’s a grawnd genius, the Politeecian, Ah don’t know where we’d be without him so Ah don’t.
2nd ENGINEER He’s the greatest Politeecian in the whole wurld!
CHIEF ENGINEER He’s the most voluable thing we have.
2nd ENGINEER Shure if we hodn’t him we wouldn’t have war. Ond then we couldn’t be loyal ond hord-headed.
CHIEF ENGINEER Aye, war. WAR! We’ll soon have war. Ond we’ll want thon new slogan.
2nd ENGINEER For to get mullions and mullions into the Ormy.
CHIEF ENGINEER The Green Awnts in the south will force war on us ond try ond mack us talk Lotin.
2nd ENGINEER Ond force it down the throats of the wee awnts.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond try ond mack them disloyal.
2nd ENGINEER Ond shame all our dead awnts of glorious ond immortal mamory.
CHIEF ENGINEER But us awnts’ll fieght ond us awnts’ll be rieght.
2nd ENGINEER Aye surely.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Shouting suddenly) Quacker, quacker, quacker! Blank tew three fore! Get intil trainin’ because we’re goin’ to have war!
2nd ENGINEER War for our homes and our holy relugion!
CHIEF ENGINEER War against the dirty Green Awnts.
TRAMP Now don’t tell me there’s goin’ to be more slaughter. Can’t yez stop fightin’ and atin’ one another at all?
CHIEF ENGINEER It’s us or them, d’ye ondherstawnd?
2nd ENGINEER Thon’s a massinger comin’. A massinger!
CHIEF ENGINEER A Massinger! With news of war!
Enter a MESSENGER.
MESSENGER Ah beg to report, sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond what’s your massage, say it quack.
MESSENGER Ah’m from the Ormy G.H.Q., sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Well hurry on, what’s your massage?
MESSENGER The Green Awnts was chasin’ a sick beetle for to eat it.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond it came into our territory?
MESSENGER Yes sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER In clear defiance of international law.
MESSENGER Yes sir. Ond it died in our territory sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond they want us to give it back to them? Notwithstanding the fact that mullions of our own awnts are starvin for the want of good food?
MESSENGER Yes sir.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond what did they say? What cheeky impartinent massage did they send about it?
CHIEF ENGINEER This is it, sir.
Hands over a letter.
CHIEF ENGINEER What do the bostards say? (Opens letter and reads) The Government of the Green Awnts prasants their compliments ond would like the parmussion of the Yellow Awnts to come intil their tarritory for to retrieve the dead beetle rightly belonging to the Green Awnts aforesaid. Signed by Deevil … Deevil so-ond-so.5 Well there’s not much in thon latter. They’ll get no permussion so they’ll not. They’ll get no permussion for to tack away the beetle. The beetle is our propty by international law.
2nd ENGINEER (Coming forward and peering at letter) But what’s thon? There’s a P.S. there.
CHIEF ENGINEER A P.S.? Och so there is. What does it say? P.S. Eff ye don’t give permussion we’ll come ond get it anyway. Yours sincerely, the Green Awnts.
2nd ENGINEER A threat! An ultimatum!
CHIEF ENGINEER War! A holy war!
2nd ENGINEER Our exastince is threatened!
CHIEF ENGINEER A tarrible war to preserve our weemen and children. Call everybody to arms!
2nd ENGINEER Mobilise! To orms, to orms!
CHIEF ENGINEER The foul and patiless enemy is forcing us to defand ourselves. To orms!
There is general excitement and rushing about on the part of the ants. Several begin to appear with crude weapons. A strange and opulent-looking ant enters.
2nd ENGINEER Who’s thon?
CHIEF ENGINEER Who are you, sor?
STRANGE ANT (In refined English accent) Matter of fact old boy I represent the Emperor of all the free ants and all that. Dropped into see you about fearfully boring imperial matters,6 imperial contribution and all that.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Sullenly) We’ve ped all we owe.
2nd ENGINEER Ond we’ve kept in step, d’ye ondherstawnd.
STRANGE ANT Frightfully sorry but you must pay more, cost of living going up and all that.
CHIEF ENGINEER We’ve paid every penny we owe and delivered four mullion balls of food.
STRANGE ANT Not enough old man.
2nd ENGINEER It’s enough ond planty ond damn the more we’ll pay, d’ye ondherstawnd.
STRANGE ANT Magnificent dead beetle in your territory, must have that, you know, have instructions from higher up to annex it and attach it and so on. Food for the people in the Greater Ant Realm, fearfully important thing to keep them fed. Know how you feel and all that but it must be done, you know.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Savagely) You’ll tack thon beetle over our dead bodies, so you wull.
2nd ENGINEER (Very excited) We’ll die first, do ye hear, we’ll die first!
STRANGE ANT Do you mean war? Black shaow, war, you know. Fearful slaughter and bloodshed and all that. But rather glorious in its own queer way. Die for your country, you know. The supreme sacrifice. Altars and homes and all that.
CHIEF ENGINEER Eff yew poot wun finger on thon beetle —
2nd ENGINEER Ye’ll be massacreed, d’ye hear.
STRANGE ANT By Jove I think this is treason! Treason. You are all frightfully Irish here.
2nd ENGINEER We’re loyal but we’re goin’ to keep thon beetle.
CHIEF ENGINEER Is this the thanks we get for keepin’ in stup?
STRANGE ANT (In delighted amazement) By George it’s a rebellion! These elements here are disaffected. Enemies of the Emperor of all the Ants! I say, this is quite a story! Really I must report back!
2nd ENGINEER Ye can go back to haal where ye came from!
STRANGE ANT An insurrection!
CHIEF ENGINEER Eff ye want war it’s war ye’ll get, d’ye hear.
STRANGE ANT If you start insurrecting, you knaow, we’ll have to put you down with a firm hand. Suspend habeas corpus and all that. Really, I think we are going to have war here! A BLOODY … NOBLE … AND DISASTROUS WAR FOR HONOUR AND DECENCY.
CHIEF ENGINEER To orms, to orms! We’re being attacked!
STRANGE ANT (Going out) No matter what you give them these damn people aren’t satisfied. They’re really hopeless, you knaow. Must report all this nonsense. We’ll wipe the blighters out and restore order.
2nd ENGINEER (Roaring after him) May ye roast in haal!
CHIEF ENGINEER To orms! We’ll fieght them ond the Green Awnts as well. We’ll fieght everybody!
There is great activity; soldier-ants rush all over the place, bugles blow, sirens sound.
TRAMP Well do you know what I’m goin’ to tell you. Do you know what it is. Them buggers is all mad. Down the road we have a dead beetle with his dirty bloody guts stickin’ out of him and all classes of wasps and bluebottles tryin’ to ate him — a dirty useless-lookin’ sight. And these lads here wants to die for that. Nothin’ will do them but get slaughtered for a dead beetle. I’d die meself, of course, if I’d any reason to. I’d give me life this minute for a pint of porter and often risked me life for less. But a dead beetle! A DEAD BEETLE! Sure that’s a terrible reason for dyin’. The whole bloody lot of them is crackers.
EGG (Shouting) Do you hear the mighty trumpets, the vast noises that announce my coming? The firmament resounds, I am nearly here!
TRAMP YOU’RE nearly here. Begob when you see what’s goin’ on here you won’t stay long then.
Activity among the ants has increased.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Eloquently) Soldiers, friends, countrymen! We have to call the whole lot of ye to the colours. Not one wacked anemy is attackin’ us but TWO. The Amperor of the Awnts is attackin’ because we won’t give up our own beetle, ond them wacked Green Awnts is flyin’ at us too, some of them hardened speakers of Lotin!
2nd ENGINEER We’ll have to call the weemen to the colours too. Ond the wee ants as well.
CHIEF ENGINEER At this great hour I have to proclaim meself Dactator!
2nd ENGINEER Three cheers for the Dactator!
TRAMP Good man yourself! Get out now and bate the lard out of them other fellas.
2nd ENGINEER We’ll fight for our altars ond our homes.
CHIEF ENGINEER We go to war proudly, seeking death or glory for our altars ond our homes ond the right to keep our own beetles, d’ye ondherstawnd. QUICK MARCH! I now assume commond of all our ormies. We fieght because we are attacked. I am with you till the last drop of me blood.
2nd ENGINEER We’ll all have to keep in stap with one another ond kill all them bostards that’s attackin’ us. We fieght for the honour of our dead awnts of glorious and immortal memory. Quack march, to vactory or death!
There is marching all about the stage, drums beat and bugles blow. A particularly large drum7 dominates the others.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Screaming) Goodbye, now, soldiers, good luck, good bye, fieght with all your might, never give in, shed the last drop of your blood, I’m here behind you all the time, make the world safe for your weemen and wee awnts, defand your altars ond your homes, navver give in, navver NAVVER give in.
2nd ENGINEER Quack morch, blank two three fore! We’ll fieght ond we’ll be rieght! The ormy is ready. Show no quarter!
CHIEF ENGINEER Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee ones!
2nd ENGINEER Burn all before ye.
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond kill all them bostards that speak Lotin, d’ye understawnd!
Troops keep marching past on their way to the front. A MESSENGER rushes in.
2nd ENGINEER Wipe out everybody ye meet, tear the lights out of them Green Awnts. Ond them Red Awnts, do tham all in, roast them all in haal, cut them into wee bits, slaughter the whole domn lot!
CHIEF ENGINEER Onwards, soldiers, to the soop-reme sacrifice, die for your altars ond your commonder-in-chief. Ond for your weemen and wee awnts. Well, what do you wont?
MESSENGER The Red Awnts has pooshed our forces back ond the Green Awnts is behind them pooshin’ them the other way. Half of our forces is destroyed.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Shouting) Avverything is goin’ according to plan. Two more divisions to the front! Quack march! Your country calls! Onwards to death or glory! Show thot you’re worthy of your fathers of glorious ond immortal mamory! Quack march, laft, right, laft, right …
Fresh regiments march out beating enormous drums. Great bangs are heard in distance.
CHIEF ENGINEER Call fresh men to the colours! Get ready the reserves.
EGG Vast detonations shake the earth, thunderous music interferes with the rhythm of the spheres. The universe is in labour! Soon it will bring me forth!
TRAMP (Sotto voce) I see.
CHIEF ENGINEER The great bottle is on! Second Angineer, wull ye issue a communique.
2nd ENGINEER (In a loud toneless voice) Our preparations are proceeding according to plan. Ten thousand annemy troops are encircled and faced with annihilation. Our gallant forces, fieghting against tremendous odds, have occupied two thousand fortified points. The defeated annemy is being closely pursued. Mopping up operations are in progress. The morale of the troops is excellent.
Enter MESSENGER.
MESSENGER The first, sacond, third, fourth ond fifth regiments has been completely destroyed.
CHIEF ENGINEER The bottle is progressing, a grand enormous bottle of annihilation is goin’ on, avverything’s goin’ according to plan. Send up more fresh troops! Eighth, Ninth ond Tanth Regiments, quack morch!
TRAMP If all this is goin’ accordin’ to plan, it’s a bloody queer plan, that’s all I have to say.
2nd ENGINEER Quack morch! Dath or glory!
CHIEF ENGINEER Give out another communique!
2nd ENGINEER The annemy has lost half a million awnts in dead ond missing. The booty has not yet been counted but it is known thot a thousand
annemy aircraft was destroyed on the ground. Mopping up operations are in progress.
A MESSENGER rushes in.
MESSENGER The Eighth, Ninth ond Tanth Regiments has been wiped out. War has been declared on us by the Purple Awnts from across the sea because we’re at war with the Red Awnts. The Green Awnts has captured the Seventh Regiment ond is torturin’ them ond makin’ them speak Lotin!
CHIEF ENGINEER (Roaring) Quack morch, more regiments ond more drums. A great victory is axpacted! We are stronger now than when the war storted. Our production of aircraft ond munitions is staggerin’ and mountin’ every day. The tempo of our war effort increases. Call up the 50’s.8 Forward gallant soldiers! The home front is behind ye!
2nd ENGINEER We’ll fight to the last drop of our blood. We will never capitulate, d’ye undherstawnd!
CHIEF ENGINEER Send out forty thousand bombers right away!
Enter another MESSENGER.
MESSENGER Two more regiments have been wiped out.
CHIEF ENGINEER Call the wee awnts up for military service. Our gallant troops at the front is performin’ prodigies of valour. All must share in this glorious task!
Enter stretcher-bearers carrying a wounded ant. Others follow.
TRAMP Ah begob your man is banjaxed. The unfortunate poor whore is bet.
WOUNDED ANT (Faintly) Stop this, stop this. We are being cut to ribbons. A drink!
CHIEF ENGINEER Move up another regiment! Give out another communique, Angineer!
2nd ENGINEER Formations of our aircraft have successfully carried out a heavy bombing raid on annemy territory. Harbour installations ond malatory objactives were successfully attacked. Bombs were seen to burst on the target area. Forty-five thousand annemy planes were shot down in air bottles. All our planes returned safely to their bases …
MESSENGER Ond the Pink Awnts has declared war on us because we are at war with their friends the Red Awnts. Ond another thing has happened …
2nd ENGINEER Ond what’s that?
MESSENGER The Green Awnts that talk Lotin is attackin’ the Green Awnts that doesn’t talk Lotin.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Loudly) Our low ond despacable enemies are divided amongst thamsalves, they have all shot their leaders, there is terrible mutiny goin’ on, vactory is in sight.
2nd ENGINEER Avverything’s goin’ accordin’ to plan.
Several wounded ants have been carried in on stretchers. They groan hideously.
TRAMP Ah your poor men, they have the insides shot out of them. Do you hear them lettin’ roars out of them!
WOUNDED ANT Shoot me! Put me out of me pain!
TRAMP Ah the poor bugger.
CHIEF ENGINEER I see a further massenger approaching. Get ready more reserves! Morch up another new ormy! Call up the wee awnts of 16!
A PHILANTHROPIST ANT with a red cross on him enters.
PHILANTHROPIST Halp the wounded!
TRAMP Ah yes, the poor wounded buggers.
PHILANTHROPIST Halp the heroes, the glorious ond immortal heroes.
CHIEF ENGINEER Reinforcements! Hurry with the reserves! Here’s the massenger.
TRAMP (Tears off a button from his coat) Ah yes, the poor wounded buggers. Here y’are, me son!
He puts the button in the box. Enter MESSENGER.
MESSENGER The Tanth, Eleventh, Twalfth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, Fifteenth ond Saxteenth Ormies has been wiped out.
CHIEF ENGINEER Our heroic men continue to fight gallantly. The annemy has sustained enormous losses. Give out another communique!
MESSENGER Ond the Savventeenth Ormy is now in the middle of bein’ wiped out too.
2nd ENGINEER Last night our troops fought the annemy along the whole front. Several fortified places ond inhabited localities was taken. Our troops are pursuing the defeated annemy. Mopping up operations are in progress.
CHIEF ENGINEER Get me a wee spy-glass.
2nd ENGINEER (Shouting) A wee spy-glass for the Commonder-in-Chief!
TRAMP Begob it’s a good spy-glass you’ll want if it’s yerself winnin’ you want to see.
A soldier-ant brings a telescope.
CHIEF ENGINEER The annemy is in headlong retreat!
2nd ENGINEER Vactory, vactory!
CHIEF ENGINEER We have captured ond invested five blades of grass.
2nd ENGINEER Vactory!
CHIEF ENGINEER The annemy has sustained enormous ond bloody losses. I see nothing but dead Green Awnts ond dead Red Awnts ond dead Pink Awnts. Ond dead Mauve Awnts. Ond dead Brown Awnts. Everybody is dead excapt our own awnts.
2nd ENGINEER A grond vactory for democracy and decency!
CHIEF ENGINEER Now they’ve captured four more blades of gross! Vactory is assured!
2nd ENGINEER Tell them to take no prusoners. Slaughter avverybody! Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee awnts! A holy vactory!
CHIEF ENGINEER The ramnents of the beaten annemy is bein’ pursued. The Red Awnts ond their allies are annihilated. There’s nothing left to be done.
2nd ENGINEER — Only moppin’ up.
CHIEF ENGINEER We have fulfilled the glorious and immortal dastiny of our race! Here, take the wee spyglass!
2nd ENGINEER Isn’t it grond to be alive at this glorious ond immortal hour. Our gallant troops have covered thamsalves with glory.
CHIEF ENGINEER (Roaring) Vactory is ours, right ond justice ond fairplay and democracy has prevailed. (Falls on his knees) Great God of the Awnts, thou hast deigned to bless the orms of thy faithful sarvants, thou hast given us victory! I appoint thee an honorary member of our gallant ormy, with the rank of colonel. (He jumps up) Twenty-first ond Twenty-sacond Ormies, forward! Quack morch, onward to the front! Take your place by the side of your gallant ond victorious comrades! Call up all resarves! Form the weemen ond wee awnts into battalions! All must fight at this glorious ond immortal hour. (Down on his knees again) Righteous ond all-powerful God of all the Awnts, thou knowest how well we desarve the vactory thou has deigned to give us! (Jumps up) Attack! Take no prisoners! Forward awerybody to the front! Set all the annemy prisoners on fire ond roast them! Tear up the wee prisoner awnts into wee bits! (Kneels) Glorious ond immortal God of the Awnts, by our vactory thou hast conferred the priceless boon of peace on the world! (Jumps up). Quack morch! Attack! We will nawer retreat, we will nawer give in, we’ll fight to the last drop of our blood for our hearths and our homes. We have won a glorious peace! The world is now a fit place for hero-awnts to live in!9
TRAMP (Bending over CHIEF ENGINEER and talking to him softly) The world? Did I hear you sayin’ THE WORLD? Sure Lord save us man this isn’t the world! Sure this here is only a lump of muck. I could kick the whole bloody issue from here to Carlow with wan root of me boot and you along with it!
CHIEF ENGINEER Who are you? Why aren’t you doin’ your duty at this glorious hour?
TRAMP Who am I? O indeed faith you needn’t bother your barney about me. I’m only … an oul’ chap … lyin’ here … havin’ an odd jar to meself here. And I fought hard enough in me own day, too. God be with the oul’ Munsters10 and every dacent man that was in them. Ah, the oul’ crowd, you can’t beat them. But YOU! What’s all this cavortin’ and rampagin’ about? How many of these poor little bastards have you slaughtered? How many of them have you killed to make yerself a big fella?
CHIEF ENGINEER (Haughtily) I’ll pay no attention to the like of you. On behalf of all the Yalla Awnts I now crown meself Emperor.
2nd ENGINEER (Looking thorough glass) Long live the Amperor!
CHIEF ENGINEER What can you see through the wee glass? Are we havin’ any more glorious vactories.
2nd ENGINEER The vactory is a wee bit delayed. The last ormies we sent out is callin’ for reinforcements.
CHIEF ENGINEER Make them hold out! Tell the generals to shoot down cowards that won’t fight! Send the weemen to the front!
AN OFFICER (Off-stage) Quack morch, quack morch!
CHIEF ENGINEER Ond the crapples ond wee awnts!
2nd ENGINEER Holy Gawd, all our glorious ormies is in full flight. The Red Imperial Awnts is after them ond after them again is the Green Awnts.
CHIEF ENGINEER To orms, to orms! Avverybody must fight! Protact the Amperor.
The confused noses of battle are heard coming closer and closer. The screams of wounded fill the air.
2nd ENGINEER Our ormies are bein’ massacreed!
CHIEF ENGINEER Protact the Amperor! The Amperor!
A SHOUT Back, Back! Stop! Stop!
ANOTHER SHOUT Run, RUN! Avvery man for himsalf! Run, RUN!
CHIEF ENGINEER (Screaming) Where is the Amperor’s personal bodyguard? Fight, ye bostards, FIGHT!
Two yellow soldier-ants rush in. Din of battle increases off-stage.
SOLDIERS We’re bein’ slaughtered! Escape!
2nd ENGINEER Go back ond fight, ye dirty cowards. Fight for your country ond your Amperor! FIGHT!
CHIEF ENGINEER (To soldiers) I commond ye as your Amperor to protact me ond be my bodyguard!
SOLDIERS Away out o’ that, ye wee bostard!
They kill him as they rush out again right.
2nd ENGINEER Holy God, we’re captured! The lights, put out the lights! It’s the only chance to escape. The lights!
Several Red ants rush in. The lights go out. There is terrific turmoil and noise.
2nd ENGINEER Fight on to the last! AH———
He groans, evidently mortally hit. A faint light in the centre of the stage indicates that it is filled with victorious Red and Allied Ants. There is great clanking of weapons and confused noise. Then a refined English voice says:
ENGLISH VOICE Phew, jolly hard going. We’ve wiped out the bastards. Deserve what they get, too, dim shaow attacking us, you knaow.
COCKNEY VOICE (In alarm) Gorblimey, the Green Awnts!
There is a rush and some Green Ants are discerned fighting madly with the Red Ants, though most of the fighting is off-stage, judging by the row. When the battle has subsided, the centre of the stage is occupied by victorious Green Ants. A voice with a thick southern brogue is heard.
SOUTHERN VOICE Do you know, we’ve slattered and destroyed the whole empire of them, yellow and red and blue and every colour. We own the whole world now and every thing in it, it takes us boy.
VOICE (In alarm) Gob phwat do I see? Phwat do I see. Green Ants with fáinnes11 on them is goin’ for our lads out there. They’re roarin’ out orders in a foreign language.
SOUTHERN VOICE Come on, lads, fight for ye’r lives!
Another vast battle is fought, mostly off-stage, but in the circle of light Green Ants reel in death-grips with other Green Ants who wear enormous gold fáinnes. Words and shouts that sound like Irish are heard above the din. When the battle subsides, the fáinne-wearers have won. The commanders gather in the circle of light. A RICH VOICE is heard.
RICH VOICE A dhaoine uaisle agus a chairde Gaedheal! A chairde agus a dhaoine go léir! Tá buaidhte fá dheireadh ag na Gaedhil. Tar éis an chogaidh seo tá an domhan go léir buaidhte aca.12
TRAMP Whaa? I beg yer pardin?
RICH VOICE Ar an ocáid stairiúil seo fógraighim mise féin im Impire ar an domhan go h-uile!13
TRAMP What’s yer man sayin’ or tryin’ to say?
PETULANT VOICE Do you not know your own language, you ignorant man? He is proclaiming our great victory. At this hour he becomes emperor of all the earth. History is at an end. Our glorious destiny is achieved after seventeen hundred years.
TRAMP He’s EMPEROR?? Of the EARTH … I see.
EGG I’m … nearly born.
RICH VOICE Ní bheidh acht an Ghaeilge amháin á labhairt ar fúd an domhain feasta.14
TRAMP has sprung up, kicked the Emperor over and grinds him to bits as the others scurry off.
TRAMP You … dirty … bloody … lousy … little bastard of an insect. Ouwathat!
CURTAIN
1 The Awnt State will feight … be reight!: In an effort to bring down Gladstone’s Liberal government, Lord Randolph Churchill (1849–95) decided to ‘play the Orange card’, that is, appeal to the widespread fear and hatred of Catholics among the Presbyterians of Northern Ireland, especially those who were members of the Orange Order, founded to resist Catholic claims. They were bitterly opposed to Gladstone’s plan to give Ireland ‘Home Rule’, which they believed would put them at the mercy of the Catholic majority. Churchill first used the slogan, ‘Ulster will fight, and Ulster will be right’, when he landed at Larne (22 February 1886) to arouse the Presbyterians and encourage them to resist Home Rule by every means, even civil war. The phrase became popular, and was revived by Sir Edward Carson (1854–1935) against the Third Home Rule Bill (1912–14), as well as by later opponents of any merging of Northern Ireland with the Irish Republic. Those opposed to such a merging are called Unionists or Loyalists (loyal to the union of Great Britain and Northern Ireland).
2 Awnt over in Rome: the Pope.
3 Latin … taught in the schools: a conflation of the Catholic Church’s liturgical use of Latin at that time, and efforts to revive the Irish language by making it a compulsory subject in the schools of Eire.
4 glorious ond immortal mamory: a phrase from the ‘Orange’ toast ‘To the glorious, pious, and immortal memory of the great and good King William [William of Orange], who saved us from Popery, brass money, and wooden shoes.’
5 Deevil so-and-so: Eamon de Valera. Myles has reversed and so disguised certain contemporary issues, perhaps to evade — or tease — the censors. In 1943, neutral Ireland (Eire) feared invasion by either German or British forces, with the latter much more likely. The British resented the presence of German and Italian diplomats in Dublin, and wanted to use the ‘Treaty Ports’ (Cobh, Berehaven, and Lough Swilly), former British naval bases on Irish territory, turned over to the Irish in 1938. Northern Ireland, as part of the United Kingdom, participated in hostilities against Germany.
6 imperial matters: the STRANGE ANT represents various British emissaries who tried to persuade or threaten de Valera into assisting the British war effort, since Ireland was still technically part of the British Empire/Commonwealth; here, ironically, Northern Ireland is being treated as insufficiently committed to the War.
7 large drum: a lambeg drum, usually a feature of Orange marches.
8 the 50’s: men fifty or older.
9 a fit place … to live in: ‘What is our task?’ David Lloyd George (1863–1945; British Prime Minister 1916–22) asked in a speech at Wolverhampton (24 November 1918), and answered himself: ‘To make Britain a fit country for heroes to live in.’
10 the oul’ Munsters: the Royal Munster Fusiliers, a British Army regiment traditionally recruited from the Province of Munster. Disbanded along with the other ‘southern’ Irish regiments in June 1922.
11 fáinnes: gold circles worn as lapel pins by Irish speakers.
12 A dhaoine … buaidhte aca: Noble people and Irish friends! Friends and all people! The Irish have won at last. After this war they have conquered the whole world.
I wish to thank my colleague, Dr Joan Trodden Keefe, for assistance with Myles’s Irish.
13 Ar an ocáid … domhan go h-uile!: On this historic occasion I declare myself Emperor of the whole world!
14 Nií bheidh … feasta: From now on, only Irish will be spoken throughout the world.