Hands clutched at the back of his neck, Toby paced the length of the Crests’ kitchen. “We need to call the police.”
Thankfully, he’d put Kasey to bed more than an hour ago. She’d asked about Jenna no less than ten times before he tucked her in and they said prayers. Fear was front and center in Kasey’s eyes—fear that Jenna wouldn’t come home, just as her mom hadn’t.
Mr. Crest shook his head. “She sent me a message saying she was fine.”
“That was hours ago.” Toby tugged on his hair. “What if something happened to her? She never showed up to the reunion. I searched the place.” Each minute she wasn’t there made his pulse rocket. Where are you, Jenna? “I walked every aisle in the parking lot looking for her car, and it wasn’t there. I’ve sent her a stalker-level amount of text messages, and my calls keep going to voice mail. This isn’t like her.”
Her dad scrubbed his hand back and forth over his whiskered chin. “Son, the fact is—”
“If you don’t want to call the cops, I get it.” Toby stopped pacing to fish his keys from his pocket. “But I have to go out looking for her, or I’ll lose my mind worrying. I... If she’s hurt somewhere...if she’s alone...”
Mr. Crest laid his hands on the table. It was a silent “Cool your jets.” “Being around so many people, she probably had an anxiety attack.”
“But why didn’t she send me a message?” Toby stared at his phone, willing a message to appear. “I would have left in a heartbeat. I didn’t care about that thing. The whole point was to stand there with my arm around her in front of everyone—to help close the door on what tore us apart in high school. I wanted her to get out and have a fun night.”
“I’m afraid sometimes when she goes into this zone, she does things that don’t make sense,” Mr. Crest said. “It’s understandable if her behavior bothers you. It’s hard to take, and even more difficult to know how to deal with it. There’s no shame in admitting that.”
“But that’s not it at all.” Toby held the keys hard enough to leave an imprint on his skin. “I love her—no matter what. She could battle this stuff every day for the rest of her life, and it only makes me see her as strong, a fighter. It’s only...” He yanked a chair from the table and dropped down into it. “I want to be there for her. I wish she’d let me. I want to hold her hand through the bad times. Every single one of them.”
Mr. Crest fought a smile.
Toby rested his arms on the table. “You heard me right. I love your daughter. I love her so much I can’t get through a minute without thinking about her.”
“I know that. I’ve known it for a long time. But it’s still nice to hear that you finally know it.”
Gravel churned outside. Toby shot out of his chair, knocking it to the floor, and ran to the back door. The sight of Jenna’s car parked in its usual spot made him brace his hand against the wall as a shudder of relief worked through his body. Then he plowed out the door and took the back stairs in two leaps, jogging over to her as she exited her car. He pulled her into a hug. “I was so worried.”
Her entire body went stiff. “Let go of me.”
“Jenna?” He pulled back from her a little. “Where were you?”
She shoved from his hold and stalked out of his reach. “I don’t understand you. I never will. Maybe I don’t want to. I mean, do you get some sick pleasure out of toying with me?”
Toby felt like he’d been hit upside the head. He was so confused. “What are you talking about?”
“You want to know where I was?” She crossed her arms, the toe of her shoe tapping out her annoyance.
“We can start with that.” Then maybe move on to why it looked like she wanted to claw him.
“I went to the reunion.” She spoke in a deathly even voice. “Which, for the record, did you only ask me to go to so you could embarrass me more?”
He took a step in her direction and put up his hand, as if he were approaching a growling coyote caught in a trap. “Jenna, I have no idea—”
“Don’t.” She spit out the word and put up a finger. Her nostrils flared. Her chest rose with a deep breath. “Stop lying to me. That’s all you do.”
“I’ve only ever been honest with you.” Toby kept his voice as calm as possible, even though he wanted to fight. “You’re the only person I can claim that with.”
“I heard you, Toby.” She was yelling now. “They asked about me, and you denied that we’re friends. You denied that we’re close. You were ashamed to even say you know me.”
At the reunion? But he’d told them that she was amazing. He’d told them they were wrong about her and always had been. He’d even told them he was in love with her and hoped to win her affection someday. Evidently, she’d left before hearing that part.
“That’s not what happened at all.”
“I am not deaf,” she said through clenched teeth. Her eyes were blazing.
“Maybe not, but you’re sure bent on only hearing what you want to hear.” His voice carried a dangerous edge now, but he couldn’t stop it. She’d accused him of lying when she was the one leading him on and tossing him to the side. “Apparently you want to cling to being a victim more than you’re willing to see the truth about how I feel about you.”
She worked her jaw from side to side. He’d struck a nerve. “You said we’re not involved at all.”
He groaned. “They were asking about dating, and last I checked, we’re not. In fact, last I checked, I’m the joke around here.” He thumped his chest. “I’m the one following you around like a puppy hoping you’ll notice me, hoping you could care about me, when obviously that’s never going to happen. We kiss and—”
“A kiss I had to beg for.” She got in his face, and even with anger simmering between them, he wanted to kiss her again in that moment.
Instead he took a step back, speaking low. Praying she’d see reason. “A kiss I’d been wanting for a long time, but I waited until you were ready. After everything you’ve been through, I thought that was the honorable thing to do.”
“Oh, I forgot. You’re so honorable.” She threw out her arms in an encompassing way. “You go around kissing women whenever they ask you to, even though it doesn’t mean anything to you. We’ve got ourselves a real knight in shining armor here, folks.”
Her words hurtled through him as if they were jagged rocks, cutting, bleeding, aching. Wounds that would be a long time healing. How had everything gone so wrong? Fess up. Tell her the truth. Even if it hurts. Even if she laughs in your face.
Toby closed his eyes and swallowed. “After that kiss, I tried to tell you that I’m in love with you. I want to be with you. The only thing I want—”
“Stop.” She held up her hand and stepped backward, using her other hand to grope for the railing that led to the porch. “You’re heartless. I can’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth.” Her voice shook, and the moonlight revealed tears trickling down her chin. “You act one way to me and one way to everyone else. That’s the exact opposite of love.”
“You’re the only person in the world who knows me fully.” He reached for her. He couldn’t lose her. Not like this. Not over a miscommunication. “Jenna, I love you. Please believe that.”
“I don’t know you at all.” She shrank away from his outstretched hand and fled up the steps. At the top, she looked back down at him. “You’re a fake, Toby. That’s all you’ll ever be.”
Then she shoved through the door, and he crumbled onto the steps.
* * *
Jenna skirted around a tipped-over chair in the kitchen and ran past Dad. “I can’t talk right now.”
“I heard you two.”
“Dad—I can’t.” She kept her head down and made a beeline for the stairs. Toby might follow her in, and she couldn’t deal with that. Their back-and-forth just now had zapped all her energy. She was empty now. The only thought in her mind was curling under her blankets for the next two months.
Jenna pounded up the stairs and reached for her doorknob, but a little body came barreling into her, throwing her off balance for a second. Kasey clung to her middle, bawling into Jenna’s stomach. Jenna wrapped her arms around the small girl, pulled her into the bedroom and closed the door. She eased Kasey toward her bed and flipped on the small light on her nightstand. The glow cast shadows around them, as if the place where they stood hanging on to each other was the only safe spot in the world.
Jenna dropped to her knees and framed Kasey’s face with her hands. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Why are you awake?”
“You. Hate. T-Toby!” she wailed. “You hate him.”
They’d been loud enough for Kasey to hear in her bedroom?
“Oh, Kasey.” Jenna pulled her into a bear hug.
“I h-h-heard you.” She was crying so hard she could barely get a word out.
“I’m so sorry we woke you.”
“Where will I live?” Her lips trembled. “When you toss us out? Where will Toby and I go?”
Sickness rolled through Jenna’s stomach. “No one is tossing anyone out.”
“But that’s what h-happens. People stop loving each other, and they make you leave. Guys always tossed Mom and me out.”
“I love you.” Jenna stroked her fingers through Kasey’s hair, praying she could ease her fears. “Please know that. No one is making you leave.”
“But you could stop loving me, just like you stopped loving Toby.” Kasey pulled her chin into her chest and hugged herself.
The sight of the small child huddled inward, believing that no one loved her when she was surrounded by love, broke Jenna in two. How could Jenna make Kasey see the truth? She was loved and cherished and wanted.
Be truthful. Even if it hurts. That was the strength her dad had been referring to all along, wasn’t it?
“I haven’t stopped loving Toby. I don’t think I ever will.” Jenna rocked back to sit on her heels. “I’m really hurt and I said some very mean things, but just because he and I aren’t together, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I’m so upset because I do love him a lot.”
Kasey dragged the sleeve of her nightshirt under her nose. “I wish you two would be married so you could be my mom and dad and I could live with you guys forever.”
Not for the first time, Jenna remembered the child she’d lost. The child who would be the same age as Kasey now.
Jenna’s chin quivered. “I wish that, too. So much.” She swiped at her tears. “I really do. But Toby doesn’t know what he wants.” That’s all she’d say about it. Jenna might be angry with Toby, but she wouldn’t paint Kasey’s guardian in a bad light. “Sometimes adults get confused about adult relationships. But we both care about you. That’s what matters.”
Misplaced love was a tornado that destroyed so many people. She shouldn’t have let Toby infiltrate her heart again. Look what it was doing to Kasey. This was what Jenna had been afraid of. This was the cost of not keeping her guard up. She hadn’t hurt only herself—her behavior had hurt Kasey by getting her hopes up. She could lump her dad into the pile of people she’d hurt, too.
Jenna got off the ground and moved to a chair stationed near her window. She opened her arms, an invitation for Kasey to sit with her. “Come here.”
She didn’t hesitate. Kasey climbed into her lap, wrapped her arms around her and shoved her warm, tear-streaked cheek into Jenna’s neck. “I wish you could be my mom.”
Oh, sweet child. I wish that, too.
Jenna cradled Kasey in a tight embrace, rocking slowly as she hummed the same lullaby her mom used to sing to her. Hot tears trailed down her neck, mixing with Kasey’s. Jenna cried for the family she’d never have. For the love that ripped into her like a burr. For the child in her arms struggling with feeling lost. And for herself, who felt just as lost and alone as the seven-year-old she was trying to comfort.
* * *
Toby had watched the back of Jenna’s head all during the church service. She and her dad had taken their own car, leaving without him and Kasey. The new young pastor, Jacob Song, gave an impassioned talk, but Toby was having a hard time concentrating.
After church she avoided him by sequestering herself in a large group of her friends. Toby would have had to burst through their linked arms and interrupt their conversation in order to get to her.
The thought had crossed his mind. More than once.
Claire Atwood held out her hand, eyeing the ladybug backpack he held. “I’m assuming that’s Kasey’s stuff?”
“Yeah.” He looked away from Jenna and focused on the redhead glaring at him. “Thanks for taking her this afternoon. She’s been looking forward to it.”
“I’ll get them both out of kids’ club, and we’ll head to lunch from here.” She slung the loop of the backpack over her shoulder. “My son, Alex, is her biggest fan. He talks more around her than anyone else. We like Kasey a lot.”
“Kasey’s fortunate to have a friend like him,” Toby responded to Claire, but his gaze trailed back to Jenna.
Arms crossed, Claire leaned back to block his view. “Please tell me you’re aware that she’s in love with you. That once-in-a-lifetime, every-inch-of-her-heart-is-mapped-with-your-image kind of love, right?”
Toby jerked his attention back. Mr. Crest had commiserated with him over the free church coffee a couple minutes ago. During the course of their conversation, he’d told Toby that Jenna had been with Claire when they couldn’t find her yesterday. Apparently Claire hadn’t been rooting for Team Toby when she was offering advice to Jenna last night. Maybe she’d changed her mind? Whatever the reason, there was no need to play dumb with her.
“If you’re talking about Jenna, I think you’re probably mistaken. She was very clear about what she thinks of me last night.”
“Try this thought on for size for me—you have to love someone greatly to inspire spitting-nails-strength anger. Your emotional pool is only as deep as how you feel about that person to begin with.”
He shook his head. Claire hadn’t been there. Hadn’t heard what Jenna said. “I told her I loved her last night, and she brushed it off.”
“If she believes all her dreams have been crushed under the very boots of the man she feels like she can’t live without—trust me...” Claire broke eye contact to fiddle with her bracelets. “When you’re feeling that level of pain, anything’s bound to come out of your mouth. From our talk last night, it’s clear she thinks you hung the moon. Give her time.”
After hugging Kasey goodbye and waving to Pastor Song and his wife as he passed them on the way out, Toby went in search of Mr. Crest and Jenna. Her car was still in the church parking lot, and he wanted to catch them before he left to meet his old friends for lunch. He finally spotted them heading down the ramp on the side of the church.
Gray clouds piled on top of each other in the sky. Deep rumbles echoed across Lake Michigan.
He jogged to catch up and met them as she was unlocking her passenger door. “Here, let me help.” He reached to assist Mr. Crest out of his chair and into the seat. They always used the nonmotorized chair for church, since it was smaller and folded into Jenna’s trunk easily.
Jenna used her body to block him. “We don’t need your help.”
He scrubbed his hand over his head. “So we’re back to this?”
“If you mean back to being professional, like an employee and employer should be? Then yes. We are.” She wedged her hands under her dad’s armpits. “Come on, Dad.”
“Jenna.” Mr. Crest’s tone held a warning. She assisted him into the car and closed the passenger door.
Toby grabbed the wheelchair, folded it and hauled it to the back of the car before she could protest. She stomped after him and held open the trunk. Light, chilled rain hit his neck, his face.
He made no motion to put the wheelchair in. “We’re not done talking. You don’t have to hear me out now, but at some point you’ll have to. You can’t avoid me forever.”
Moisture in the air made her curly hair even curlier, a little wild. Her eyes had a glazed-over appearance to them, as if she was looking past him. Through him. The beacon of light he’d always relied upon had been snuffed out. Was there any hope for them to save their friendship? Her silence made his heart stall.
He cleared his throat. “I won’t be back at the orchard until later because I’m meeting Chad and Nick for lunch before they have to head to the airport.”
“Well, have fun. You always did enjoy your time with them more than anyone else.” She swiped the rain off her forehead.
“Cut me a break here, Jenna. It’s not like that.”
“Are you going to put Dad’s chair in the trunk or should I? It’s raining.”
He lifted the chair into the trunk. “This is my last chance to talk to those guys. To make any sort of impact and—”
“And it’s really none of my concern.” She slammed the trunk closed and quickly rounded the car. Within seconds, she was backing it out of its space and leaving him alone in the parking lot, standing in a downpour.