A P P E N D I X

A Man’s Perspective
Men Must Be Part of the Solution, Not the Problem

Peter J. Dean, PhD

DEEP INSIDE most men is an innate desire to accomplish something great in some way. Men are programmed from early on to seek being the great achiever, the great athlete, or at least to be great at something. According to Helen Fisher in her 2000 book, The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They Are Changing the World, men have an intense drive and ambition to succeed and can focus their attention to do so. This drive in men is often observed as an ambition to win over others. Women want to win, too, but to win with others. In order to win, women use their talent for work; capacity to read postures, gestures, and facial expressions; capacity for empathy and emotional sensitivity; penchant for long-term planning; and preference for cooperating and collaborating with others.

In contrast, the predisposition of men to win over is so strong that they often overlook the leadership ability of women and their potential to make important contributions to organizations. Often, for men, their pursuit of greatness gives them an inflated sense of power which brings out a no-holds-barred sense of competition and undermines the efforts of others, especially women.

Men compete with other men in many ways in order to move in the direction of greatness. Sometimes that energy is misdirected.

I worked with a CEO who was passionate about competition with a few CEOs in other firms. They focused their competitive drive on their collections of wooden decoy ducks used in duck hunting. These men seemed to gauge their greatness by tallying the number of wooden ducks held by each. They used to joke, “He who has the most ducks when he dies, wins.” These men were accomplished, wealthy, and by all rights, successful in the work-place yet they still seemed to have a need to be seen as great, and it had to be visible enough for everyone else to see.

Men are designed to be competitive—it is literally part of our DNA. And we bring all of that hardwiring and practice to the job. They are physical, loud, and use aggressive nonverbal signals to influence people. James Hillman, in his book Kinds of Power: A Guide to Its Intelligent Uses, suggests that the loud “alpha male” behavior has value in competitive environments but may be limited in adding value at other times.

In fact, many men will make visible their competitive urges with power plays, ego-dominated words, loudness, banging on tables, pointing fingers, or other aggressive actions. When men display this type of behavior with other men it’s boorish. When it’s done around a conference table of men and women, a tense work culture is created. These types of behavior are generally distasteful to women, who don’t have an understanding of, or affinity for, the aggressive alpha male rules of engagement. Women, instead, draw upon the other ways of leading.

One measure of worth that is vital to most men is the approval of others. Men expect that approval of their deeds should come from others, but oddly enough, men don’t generally give the approval they themselves seek. I remember one of my male mentors saying, “If I’m not complaining about your performance, then you know you’re doing a good job.” He expected me to be satisfied with this. In reality, men are uncomfortable giving positive feedback, so they disguise it or neglect to give it at all. Women, on the other hand, value and need feedback and recognition. This clash of needs and wants creates a chasm between the two genders.

Men need to modify their thoughts and behavior in order to make the workplace a pleasant and productive environment in which both genders make their contributions. In order to improve the work environment, men need to:

• Develop additional skills in their leadership repertoire, including: listening and processing, empathizing with the other person’s emotions and feelings, attending to the needs of others, and responding with respect in honest two-way conversation.
• Recognize that women are in the workplace to stay and that men need to lose their misgivings about women. Many men have a predisposition to resist a woman as the leader and consider the woman as not “having what it takes.” While some of the team camaraderie with other men may be lost in today’s mixed-gender workplace, a new dynamic which is favorable to all will be created.
• Avoid the misuse and overuse of the power of their positions. Generally, men gain power from the prestige of their positions and use it to exercise control. Women are more apt to view power as the ability to influence, and they are often willing to share to accomplish a goal. This different way of using power should be seen as an advantage for the organization.
• Relearn how to communicate with women at work. By understanding the differences in their styles, men will be able to learn how to communicate with women in a way that avoids misunderstandings and increases productivity for both.
• Understand the issues and challenges women encounter due to traditional male-dominated cultures and styles. Be part of the solution, not the problem.

On an ending note, a woman friend who is in a top corporate position shared her views on the subject of men, women, and the achievement of success. She said:

To be successful, a woman must be perceived as both a “good woman” (wife, mother, daughter, etc.) and a good businessperson. There are many reasons we lose women on the way to the top. Some opt to stay home with children, some don’t have the goal of a top slot, and some have that goal but refuse to do what they need to in order to get there. This occurs for many different reasons, but mostly, it is because men seldom understand what a woman brings to the workplace.

If men are not part of the solution, they may be part of the problem.