I hadn’t even made it to the interstate when my phone rang. I didn’t need to look at the display on my dash to know it was Sadie. I was actually surprised it had taken her as long as it did before she called me.
She might not have uttered a word before I left, but she didn’t need to. It was written on her face—raw confusion. And I understood why she’d stared at me, puzzled at my turn.
Sadie had no way of knowing there was a war brewing. The battle had started months ago. I’d done my best to keep our interactions superficial and fun. Each week it became harder and harder. She kept herself distant but didn’t. It was weird how she could be closed off but still draw you in. She was a frustration in that I knew better but couldn’t stop myself from wanting to know more about her.
And now that I did, I was no less frustrated and a whole lot more intrigued.
Which meant it was time to make a decision.
My gut clenched and my hand itched to answer the call.
Then my ex-wife’s voice played in my head.
Like my ex, Sadie was beautiful. She’d also said all the right things. Just like Ellie. Though it turned out Ellie had fed me bullshit. Outright lied, telling me what I wanted to hear. But once she had my ring on her finger, she went in search of more. Ellie was not happy living quietly, she wasn’t happy with her husband being the only man giving her attention. And when she’d cheated, she’d blamed me.
I hit ignore and the ringing stopped.
Even though guilt gnawed at my insides it was for the best. I’d known better than to think I could carry on some sort of fucked-up arrangement with Sadie. She was unlike any other woman I’d ever met. Yet, I’d still offered and when I did, I saw the hurt flash in her eyes.
I was a motherfucking bastard.
And thinking back on things, I should’ve stopped her when she kissed me. And I never should’ve fucked her. Never should’ve put my hands on her. I knew before I had her I was playing a dangerous game. But once she caught fire, I’d been engulfed by her blaze, so lost in her heat I couldn’t let her go.
But I had to.
The phone rang again.
I hit ignore and drove.
I was merging onto the highway when the third call came through. With everything going down in her life—her brother, the Horsemen, the very real threat of Zeus I never should’ve ignored the first two calls.
Now with a third, I had to answer.
“Is everything okay?”
“No,” she clipped. “Why’d you send me to voice mail?”
That was not what I thought she was going to say.
“Are you okay, Sadie?”
“Who fucked you over?” she asked.
And the tables were turned.
I gritted my teeth and was at a loss how to play this.
My ex-wife wasn’t a secret. But it was personal. And since I’d made the decision less than five minutes ago to let this obsession I had with Sadie go, talking about my ex wasn’t conducive to disengaging. It was the opposite, yet if I didn’t answer she’d continue to push.
“My ex-wife.”
“Your ex-wife? You were married?”
“Yes.”
I couldn’t hide my disgust, though when talking about Ellie I never did.
“How’d she fuck you over?”
My jaw clenched tighter.
Sadie allowed a few beats of silence before she said, “Let me get this right, you get to demand answers from me. Things that make me uncomfortable to talk about, and like a dog with a bone you don’t stop until I tell you. But you get to keep all your secrets.”
Yes.
“She cheated on me.”
More silence, then a screeched, “What? She…cheated…on you?”
I didn’t miss the emphasis or the disbelief in her tone. Maybe if my head wasn’t so fucked-up, her outrage on my behalf would’ve felt good. But the truth was, I was fucked-up. It had been years and I still couldn’t get over the betrayal. It was not catching her in bed with another man. It wasn’t that she’d shared her body, something she promised was only mine, with someone else. It was the lies I couldn’t get over. It was the sweet way she’d whispered she loved me while I was on deployment but really, she was running around behind my back.
So many lies.
“Repeatedly,” I ground out. “It started a week after I left on deployment and continued until I caught her. Once I left her, I heard from a variety of people around base what she’d been doing. The guy I caught her with wasn’t the first. Don’t know how many there were. Didn’t care then, care even less now.”
“You said you knew what it was like to be humiliated,” she said softly. “Is that why? Your wife cheated and you felt humiliated?”
Jesus.
I thought back over my life and tried to think of a time when I’d been on the receiving end of an interrogation. And I couldn’t think of a time. Luckily for me, my size alone made men think twice about confronting me. My teammates would question me, but there was a mutual respect that meant they picked up on my cues and dropped a subject before it slid anywhere near uncomfortable. And after I ended my marriage, I’d never given a woman the opportunity to ask me anything remotely personal.
Then there was Sadie. She defied all boundaries. And if I wasn’t careful, she’d break down the walls I’d built to protect myself. Or knowing her, she wouldn’t bother trying to break anything—she was smart enough to climb right over and do it with a pretty smile on her face.
And I was stupid enough to let her do it.
Meaning, I’d learned nothing from my disaster of a marriage.
“Yeah, Sadie,” I snapped. “That’s exactly how I felt.”
“Why?”
Why?
What the fuck?
“What do you mean, why? My wife was fucking other men.”
“So? That says something about her, not you. You weren’t the one messing around behind her back. You weren’t the one lying. I don’t understand why you feel humiliated for something she did.”
I blinked. That was pretty much all I could do before Sadie went on and she did so loudly and ferociously.
“I really don’t get it. Why is it that the person who has been cheated on always feels the shame and embarrassment? And the cheater just gets off scot-free? The cheater is the only one who should be ashamed and embarrassed. She was your wife. She made promises she broke. Not you. So why would you be humiliated?”
My heart was frantically pounding in my chest. The thump of it frenzied and wild. For once it wasn’t out of anger. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. I just knew it felt good.
Her fierce defense of me also calmed me. So my tone was no longer biting when I said, “She was my wife. And being that, meant I loved her. I made my own promises to her and one of them was to make her happy. I obviously didn’t—”
“Why is that obvious?” There was a pause, but she didn’t let me answer. “Never mind, I forgot you’re one of those men who thinks it’s your responsibility to shoulder life. Newsflash, Reese, it’s not your responsibility. Any woman who’s a real woman doesn’t rely on a man to make her happy, she’s responsible for her happiness. And if she’s unhappy it’s up to her to do something about it.”
It was a damn good thing my exit was fast approaching. I was finding it hard to concentrate on driving while Sadie was making too much fucking sense.
Sense that I didn’t want to see or confront. I was perfectly content spinning my wheels staying pissed at myself for not being a better husband.
“Just to say, she did find a way to make herself happy.”
“That’s not what I meant!” she exploded. “Are you being obtuse on purpose? Besides, in my experience women don’t cheat because they’re unhappy with their partner. They’re unhappy with themselves and searching for something to make themselves feel better.”
Fuck.
In her experience.
That felt like a blade sinking into my throat, taking my breath as it plunged deep. So much so, when it was safe, I pulled over to the side of the road.
“Personal experience? You’ve cheated on your man?” The question tasted like shit as it rolled out of my mouth.
“God, no,” she bristled. “There’s a reason my friend circle is so small. First, I’m a homebody and there’s not a lot of people who understand that when I turn them down when they ask me to go out to bars or clubs with them, it’s nothing personal. I just don’t like going. But when they invite me over to their house for dinner and drinks I gladly accept. The other reason is I have no tolerance for liars. Like zero. Lying is a dealbreaker for me. And cheating is a form of lying. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had friends who have cheated, and in those cases, it is because they were unhappy with themselves thinking something new or forbidden or dangerous will fill the void. It never does, so they jump from man to man doing the same shit over and over. And I just don’t have time for that kind of insanity in my life.”
The relief I felt was palpable. It was a physical solace that made my shoulders sag, and my head drop forward.
Of course, Sadie wouldn’t cheat.
Another nail in her coffin.
Another reason on top of all the others that meant I had to find the strength to stay away from her.
“Is she the reason for your arrangement?”
Fuck.
“Sadie, listen—”
“Or is it just me?” she whispered.
Fucking hell.
“It’s not you. At the risk of sounding like a pussy, it’s me. It’s how I live my life. Upfront and honest. I don’t want to start something with a woman and have her thinking there’s a chance of more when I’m not capable of giving that. The only way I know how to do that is by being straight from the beginning.”
Jesus, could I sound like any more of a douchebag?
“So, I can take it as a read it’s because of her.”
“Yeah, it’s because of her.”
“Was this recent?”
“It was a long time ago,” I muttered.
And for the first time, I felt embarrassed to admit that. I’d been nursing the hurt for far too long, being a pussy, not letting it go and moving on.
“I have an arrangement for you,” she told me, and my muscles constricted.
“Sadie—”
“No sex. No loans. Friends only.”
Friends only.
I’d been friend-zoned.
When in my life had that ever happened to me?
“My ego just took a hit, baby,” I teased.
“Your ego will recover.”
It wouldn’t but I moved on to a more important topic.
“I want you to take the loan.”
“And people in hell want water but you don’t see Satan running out and getting it for them.”
It sucked she was being funny when I was being deadly serious.
“Are you comparing me to the devil?”
“No. I’m offering you the only thing I have to give. My friendship. I’d like you to take me up on my arrangement. You can never have too many friends and if you give me a chance, I promise I’m a good friend to have. But I don’t want money between us. You’re already doing something for me, something big, something I can’t do myself.”
Goddamn, she was being stubborn about this.
“Your bakery’s in jeopardy and I have the money. What kind of friend would I be if I sat by and watched you lose something you love?”
There was a stretch of silence and in those moments I thought she was taking what I said to heart.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“You’d be a good friend. The kind that respected me and my wishes. This is important to me, and I need you to understand this. I thought about what you said, about my pride getting in the way of me accepting help. You might be right about that. But, Reese, I’ve worked hard, so hard you wouldn’t believe. So while you might be right, it’s my sword to fall on if that’s what I choose. I know it sounds stubborn and stupid to you but if I fail, then I fail. There’s a lesson to learn in that, I swear I’ll learn it. But just as my success is mine, I need this failure to be mine as well.”
I bit my tongue until I tasted blood. Why in the fuck would someone purposely fail?
Stubborn.
“Sa—”
“Have you ever had something that was yours?” she cut me off a-fucking-gain. “Just yours. That you worked for, and win or lose, it was yours. Something that meant the world to you.”
“Yeah, baby, I have. And if it truly meant the world to you, you would do anything, and I mean anything to save it. I feel like I’m repeating this but, Sadie, you take anything, and everything being offered, and you thank the universe for the blessing.”
“Maybe you’re right,” she mumbled.
There was no maybe about it.
I was flat-out right.
“You gonna take the loan?”
“I need to think about it.”
My hands tightened around the steering wheel and I fought for patience.
Sadie didn’t have time. She had three weeks to catch up on her rent or she’d be out on her ass.
“Is there a reason we’re talking about this now over the phone when I left your house ten minutes ago and could’ve had this conversation face-to-face?”
“Honestly?”
“Is that a question?”
“I guess not.” Sadie giggled, and I felt that sound slam into my chest. “It’s easier talking to you over the phone. Or I should say, it’s easier for me to be rational when I’m not looking at you.”
What the hell?
“Why’s that?”
She completely ignored my question and asked her own, “You didn’t say, do you accept my arrangement? Friends only.”
Sadie offering me her friendship was a gift. It was also one that I knew would cut me. But it was the only thing I could give her beyond great sex and multiple orgasms. I wasn’t blowing sunshine when I told her she deserved a man who could give her everything. No woman should ever settle but Sadie’s brand of sweet warranted a certain kind of man. One who would shield her from all the ugly shit life could throw her way and let her be free to shine.
“Does me accepting your arrangement mean you’ll tell me why it’s easier for you to talk me when you’re not looking at me?”
“Yes.”
Fuck.
I was going to do it.
I was going to torture myself and be her friend.
Friends who did not fuck.
A bad feeling seeped in.
A feeling of loss stole over me.
And regret took root.
“Then I accept. But to clarify—do friends give compliments that could be construed as mildly veiled flirting?”
“I don’t know, Reese, do you have anything better than complimenting my muffins? Because I have to tell you that was so lame, I felt compelled to dump a five-dollar coffee over your head. So, I can’t promise you it won’t happen again unless you step up your game.”
I could step up my game until I had us so tangled together neither of us would know how to break free. But that was not what friends did.
“Careful what you ask for, baby. Now spill. I’m sitting on the side of the road and I’d like to get home sometime in the next decade.”
“Why are you on the side of the road?”
“Sadie!”
“Fine. It’s easier to talk to you when I’m not looking at you because I’m not distracted.”
“Why would you be—”
“Don’t play dumb.”
“Woman, you have a bad habit of interrupting me,” I grunted.
Deciding the heavy part of our conversation was over and it was safe for me to drive without courting veering off into a ditch, I pulled back onto the road and headed home.
“You’ve got a bad habit of asking questions you know the answer to.”
What the hell was she talking about?
“Lost you, Sadie.”
“You’re good-looking.” She sighed like it was hard for her to admit she found me attractive.
“You’re not hard to look at either.”
That was a gross understatement. Sadie was gorgeous. From her silky brown hair to her baby blue eyes, to her full breasts, to the curve of her hips, thick thighs, great ass, and tight, wet heat. Top to toe perfection.
I had serious doubts this friends-only shit was going to work. Days ago, I was being very honest when I told her I wanted to fuck her again. That had not changed. If anything, my desire had grown.
“Glad the sight of me doesn’t burn your retinas,” she returned haughtily.
Yep, this arrangement was very likely to explode in our faces. Especially when she was being cute and snooty. Two things that made me want to sink inside of her.
“Never done this before,” I told her. “So, I’m unfamiliar with the parameters of our arrangement.”
I turned on my blinker, checked my mirrors, and switched lanes. This was done in silence as I waited for Sadie to say something.
The quiet had stretched long enough that I glanced at the dash display to make sure the call hadn’t disconnected. Service was spotty the closer I got to my house.
“I might lose you soon,” I told her.
There was nothing but silence.
“Sadie?”
“Shh,” she whispered.
“What do you mean—”
“Shh.”
That time it wasn’t whispered, it was hissed. And it was done in a way that chilled my skin.
“Tell me what’s going on!”
“I think I hear something.”
My foot came off the accelerator and slammed on the brake.
“Where are you?”
Thank God for empty back roads in North Idaho. I executed a three-point turn and was backtracking at a high rate of speed before Sadie answered and when she did, I heard the wobble in her voice.
“I’m in the garage,” she told me quietly. “I think someone’s in my house.”
“Leave. Go out your side door and run. I’m on my way to you. Do it now.”
“What if I’m—”
It was my turn to interrupt her.
“Now, Sadie! Leave and run. I’m ten minutes out.”
I pressed down on the accelerator, making ten minutes more like seven, thinking about her neighborhood and where she could hide. Sadie lived a block east of Coeur d’Alene High School. There was also a big church across the street from the high school that might or might not be having services, but if not, the parking lot would be dark and vacant. Same with the school.
“Does the senior living center on the corner have an office?” I asked as I merged back onto highway 95.
“Yes.”
Her answer was partly muffled, partly breathy. I took that as a good sign she was on the move.
“Go to the senior center,” I told her. “Get there as fast as you can but don’t disconnect the call.”
“Kay.”
Yeah, she was definitely running.
I tapped the add call icon on my dash display and quickly found Wilson’s contact. It rang once, then I merged the calls.
“Yo,” Wilson answered.
“Who’s that?” Sadie huffed.
“Hang on, baby. Wilson, I need you to get to Sadie’s house. She’s off Dalton and Fourth by CDA High School.” I rattled off her address then I told him, “Possible break-in. Sadie’s on the move to the senior center. I’m heading there to pick her up. Call me when her house is secure.”
“Copy.”
Wilson disconnected. Sadie’s heavy breathing filled the interior of my Rover. The sound of her huffing and puffing enraged me further. Which was working in my favor, pushing the fear aside, leaving me angry.
Why the hell did I leave?
“I’m passing the Target,” I informed her. “Where are you?”
“Cutting through someone’s backyard. Almost there.”
Smart.
“Good. Don’t stop running until you get there.”
I changed lanes, passed two tractor-trailers, and slammed back on the gas.
“What if I’m overreacting?” she wheezed.
“What if you’re not and someone’s in your house?”
“Fair point.”
There was rustling then from far away I heard a muffled, “Shit!”
“Sadie?”
Nothing.
I looked at the display and my heart arrested.
Disconnected.
Fucking hell.
“Fuck!” I roared into my empty SUV and drove.