CLOVER
Wednesday, May 9th (2007)
I sat at the unbalanced table with Violet, Poppy, and Lily. There should be four flowers sitting with me. I couldn’t help my eyes flicking to the empty seat. My Rose was missing. It felt wrong and I couldn’t relax.
“Is everything okay, Clover?” Lily asked. Love and concern shone in her eyes; it made me feel a hundred feet tall. Lily was beautiful. She had been part of the family for two years now and was someone to look up to for the other girls. Poppy and Violet looked up to her.
“Everything’s fine,” I replied, smiling through my unease. I ate silently, listening to their conversations, only joining in when necessary. My foot tapped on the floor rhythmically. This is wrong. I needed to see Shannen, and I needed to find Rose.
When everyone had finished their meal, I excused myself and made my way to my room to get changed for the night. I needed to see my Shannen. That girl seemed to occupy my every thought—she never left my mind. She was the one I thought of when I fell asleep by myself every night. I wanted nothing more than to look after her—but I wanted her in the house with me. I had only known her for three weeks, but she already meant so much more. Shannen was my one and only chance at a traditional relationship.
I dressed in smart black trousers, a gray sweater, and slipped on my long, black coat. Everything had to be perfect. I combed my hair, spraying hairspray on thick, so not one strand would be out of place. My appearance had never been so important as it was tonight. I wanted to be the best I could be for her. I wanted to give her the world, to share my world with her.
The drive to the supermarket next to her hostel was short. I wanted it to be longer so I had a few more minutes to calm my nerves. It wasn’t something I was used to, nerves around women. I half liked it. Parking the car, I spotted her immediately as she walked out of the hostel and toward the field behind it.
My heart rate spiked. She was very beautiful even though she wasn’t looking after herself as well as she should. I would help her with that. We would look after each other. I walked behind, watching her long brunette hair blow softly in the warm, early May breeze. She turned suddenly, no doubt finally hearing my footsteps crunching over the stones.
“Hello again, Shannen,” I said.
Her cheeks flushed light pink and she smiled. “Hello, Colin. I’m going to sit by the trees. Would you like to join me?”
“That would be lovely.”
We walked in silence across the grass field to the trees at the back. I sat down beside her, ignoring the uneasy feeling in my stomach caused from sitting on the dirty ground. “How has your day been?”
“The same,” she replied, shrugging her shoulders and looking at the floor. “I’m glad you’re here, though.” She blushed through her admission, and I knew then we were perfect for each other and this would work.
I took her hand and squeezed. She shouldn’t feel shy with me; I wanted her to be confident and relaxed. “Me too. I missed you today.”
Everything was different with Shannen. She was the one. I knew that; she just made me feel…happy. A part of me felt guilty for feeling more for her than the other girls, but I couldn’t help it. Shannen was perfect, everything a woman should be. I wanted her to live with me, to be my wife—my everything. She reminded me a lot of my mother, so I knew she would understand about the girls.
“How was work?” she asked. Her question was genuine—she really wanted to know. That was what I loved the most about her. She cared so much about people even though others have treated her badly. Her family had turned their backs on her, but she was still kind and caring.
“It was good, thank you, although a very long day.” She nodded, playing with a blade of grass. I closed my eyes and took a calming breath; she had no idea how dirty that was. Anything could be on that grass. “What have you been doing today?”
“I read a little and then came out here.”
“And how was everyone else in the hostel?” I frowned as I thought about the incident she described two nights ago. Some vile whore had hit her while trying to steal what little money she had left, leaving behind a faint red handprint on her left cheek.
She shrugged, looking down at the floor. “They were fine.”
“Don’t lie to me,” I snapped, instantly regretting it as she flinched.
She stood, ripping her hand from mine. “I should go now,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself.
I rose to my feet quickly, panicking that she was going to walk off and leave me. “No, Shannen. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped like that. I just hate the idea of anyone treating you badly.” I took her hand and squeezed it, being careful not to hurt her tiny frame. “Forgive me, Shannen, please?”
She smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I forgive you. It’s okay. Want to go for a walk?”
“Absolutely.”
We walked along the footpath. Every time I came to see her, we would meet in the field and then go for a walk. I led her around the lake—our usual route—and slipped my hand into hers.
“It’s beautiful tonight.”
“Yes, it is,” I agreed.
“My dad used to take me outside in the evenings and we’d watch the stars appear in the sky,” she said and looked down at the ground. Her voice was filled with sadness and regret. She had never mentioned anything about her family, other than that they fought and she left.
“What happened, Shannen? How did you end up here?”
“Please don’t,” she whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I nodded, pushing away my anger at her not answering my questions. My girls answered my questions, always.
“Look, why don’t you stay with me for a while? At least until you get yourself sorted out.”
“I appreciate that, Colin, but I can’t.”
I sighed in frustration. Why couldn’t she just do what I wanted? I wasn’t used to it and I didn’t like it. “Would you like to get a late dinner somewhere?” I asked, frowning at her tiny, fragile wrist. She bit her lip as she considered my offer. “Please? It’ll be my treat. I’d like to.”
A wide smile stretched across her beautiful face, one that made me stop breathing. “Okay. That would be nice, thank you.”
***
We arrived at my favorite Indian restaurant that my parents used to go to when I was little. My father loved his curry and often took us—that was before he slept with that whore and ripped our family apart. “A table for two, please,” I said to the waiter.
We were seated in the corner of the restaurant and handed menus. “Thank you.” I turned to Shannen once the server had disappeared, giving us time to browse the menu. “Order whatever you like.” She smiled and scanned the menu. “I think I’m going to have a tikka masala. Have you chosen?”
“The same, please,” she replied.
I closed my eyes. You are made for me, Shannen.
“So, how long have you been working in accounting?”
“Oh,” I replied, pleasantly surprised at being asked a personal question. “About five years now, I suppose. What did you do prior to the incident with your family?”
“I was working in the diner my mum works at. My father lost his job and we needed money, so I quit college to work.” She frowned. “He always needed more money.” What did that mean? Her father didn’t sound particularly decent. A man takes care of his family, not the other way around. I wanted to pry further, but I didn’t want her to close up again. It would take time, and we had plenty of time.
Our conversation was easy and with little gaps of silence between, I knew I had made the right decision—Shannen was not going back to that hostel. I’d lost count of the number of times she’d made me smile and laugh—I hadn’t laughed in years. Shannen was my future, my one chance. I had the drive back to convince her that I was the best person to take care of her. We could make this work; I would make her as happy as she made me. I vowed to.
Holding the restaurant door open, I let her leave first. Her arm brushed against mine and I gasped at the electricity. We had a connection, a real connection. “Thank you for dinner, Colin,” she murmured, a light blush warmed her perfect, defined cheeks.
“You’re welcome. It was my pleasure.” Yes, it certainly was my pleasure. I never knew how incredible I would feel at something so normal as taking the girl I was fond of to dinner. How many dates had I missed out on over the years? It wasn’t a feeling I’d ever had before, but I was desperate to keep it—desperate for Shannen to give us a chance.
***
We got back in my car and words failed me. My heart beat wildly and I felt sick with nerves. How was she going to react to me taking her home? To get to the hostel, you had to drive past my road, so I knew I could get her almost home before she started questioning me.
“You’re cold,” I said and switched the warm air on.
She rubbed her hands together. “Thank you. For everything.”
“You’re welcome. I had a lovely time.”
A small, shy smile pulled at her lips. “So did I.”
I drove slower than usual, delving into a conversation about what Shannen studied at college to calm my nerves. My house was close; I could see my red tile rooftop over the hill. This is it. Now or never. Slowing down a little too sharply, I pulled into my driveway and turned off the ignition.
“What are we doing here?” she asked, biting her lip and looking at my home out the window.
I turned to face her and smiled. “This is my house, Shannen. I just need to use the bathroom before I take you back. Come in for a minute.” I watched as her eyes darted to my front door, hesitating. “I won’t be long.” After a second, she made up her mind and nodded, opening the door. She trusted me—I had won her trust.
“It’s a lovely house,” she said as I let us both in.
“Thank you.” I was glad she liked it. I wanted her to like it and feel at home. I’d let her redecorate if there was anything she didn’t like. Perhaps we could do that together—redecorate and turn the house into our home rather than just mine. “I’ll show you to the living room where you can sit for a minute.”
She sat down on the green sofa and I couldn’t help sitting beside her. I liked it, the both of us sitting in our living room. “Don’t you need the bathroom?” she asked and smiled.
“Shannen, I must confess…I don’t really need to use the bathroom. I’m sorry I lied, but I just needed to get you in here so we can talk. I’ve brought you home.” Her eyes widened in horror, and she stood up, gasping. I leaped to my feet and grabbed her arm before she had the chance to run. “Let me explain. Please.”
“No, get off,” she shouted, frantically trying to pull her hand out of my grip. Her hair flicked in all directions, hitting me in the face as she tried to get away. “Please, let go.”
“Calm down,” I ordered.
“Let me go.” She thrashed her body again and pounded her free fist against my chest. The thuds of her punches didn’t hurt—she didn’t have much strength—but it angered me. I was trying to help—how dare she? I clenched my jaw, grabbed her other hand, and slammed her against the wall. All I could hear was my pulse pounding in my ears. I didn’t want to hurt her, but she left me no choice. Shannen’s piercing screams seemed like background music. Her blatant disrespect drove me insane. I knew what Mother would do, and I could almost hear her barking the order, Kill her.
“Please, please no.” I didn’t like begging. Mother didn’t like begging. It was for the weak.
Kill her. Do it now.
Shannen’s eyes bulged as I held both of her hands in one of mine and pinned my other hand over her mouth. I was fighting myself for control. I wanted to kill her—the knife was in my pocket—but I wanted her too. I wanted her and Mother wanted me to kill her.
She whimpered against my palm. I closed my eyes and concentrated on steadying my heavy, ragged breaths. She’ll be everything I want once she understands. She’s not bad. She doesn’t mean it.
Slowly, I cracked my eyes open. It wasn’t until I saw her terrified expression and her tear-stained face that I realized how vulnerable she was. Shannen was scared and didn’t know what I was offering or how I felt. My heart swelled.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I whispered. “I need you to trust me. All I want is to look after you. You’re home now, sweet Shannen.” I lowered my hand and stroked the side of her face, looking into her eyes. Please believe me.
She gulped. “I believe you’ll look after me, Colin, but I can’t stay here with you.” My face fell. Did she not hear what I told her? She was home. This was where she belonged. “Sorry, I can’t do this. I have to go now.” She took one step away from me, and I felt complete panic. I couldn’t let her walk away from me.
She had barely made two steps when I grabbed her from behind and clamped my hand over her mouth. Her muffled cries tore me apart and I realized this couldn’t work out how I wanted it to—not yet at least. I shoved her into to the drawing room and into the corner.
“Don’t try anything,” I snapped and pushed the bookcase out of the way. She stood still, frozen, as I unlocked the door to the girls’ room. Grabbing her arm, I pulled her with me, dragging her down the stairs.
“No,” she yelled once she realized what was happening. I didn’t want this to happen either; my heart was heavy and my eyes stung with the loss of the life I so desperately wanted with her. But I had no other choice. I couldn’t lose her and this was the only way.
Poppy, Violet, and Lily rose from the sofa and the movement startled Shannen. She screamed, her legs gave way, and she slumped to the ground. “Explain everything to her, Lily,” I ordered and walked back up the stairs. No! No, no, no. I closed the door and locked it before sliding down the wall. Gripping my hair in my hands roughly, I cried in agony. I wanted her to be with me, but now she was Rose.