18

SUMMER

Tuesday, January 18 (Present)

I couldn’t move. My body shook to the point where it ached and felt numb. Nothing felt real anymore. I didn’t want anything to be real anymore. The bedsheet was wrapped tightly around me and I clung to it as if it were my lifeline. It smelled of him. I smelled of him. I desperately wanted to get that smell off, but my damned, traitorous body wouldn’t move.

A distant voice drifted through the room, and I raised my head. “Lily. Lily, shh, it’s okay,” Poppy said softly. “It’s going to be okay.” I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, just a low creak in the back of my throat. “Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.” It won’t bloody be all right! “You want me to help you to the bathroom?” In my zombie state, I nodded and Poppy helped me up.

Somehow, we made it to the bathroom, but I don’t remember getting here. I felt like I was underwater, the floor felt uneven, and everything was swimming. I couldn’t believe that had just happened to me. I knew it had, but it didn’t feel real.

Standing on the bathroom floor still in my socks, I gripped the sheet tighter around myself and stared at the floor. Why can’t I feel anything? I couldn’t even cry. I should be crying. Poppy turned the shower on and placed a fresh towel on the side of the sink. “Call if you need me, okay?” she said and walked out, closing the door behind her.

Letting go of a sheet shouldn’t be hard but I couldn’t do it. As the only thing that was covering me—protecting me—I couldn’t let the damn thing go. Taking a deep breath I gave myself a little pep talk, You can do it. Just drop the sheet and get the smell of him off you. Taking a deep breath, I let go and it dropped to the floor.

I stepped in the shower, eager to be free of his aftershave. The hot water ran over my whole body, washing him away with it. Why didn’t I fight him? I didn’t want it, but I didn’t do anything to even attempt to stop it. Would it have been worth my life? Yes. Knowing I had done nothing made me feel sick, dirty, and worthless. If I’d have fought, at least I would have died knowing I didn’t ultimately allow it to happen. But it was too late now. I couldn’t turn back the clock and change anything. It was now something I would have to live with. I sobbed.

Too scared to do anything about it, I’d let him. My legs turned to jelly. I slumped to the floor and started crying. Grabbing the sponge, I frantically scrubbed my skin until it turned bright red. I felt dirty, and no amount of scrubbing was going to change that.

When my skin was too sore and I winced with every touch, I dropped the sponge, stood up, and turned the shower off. I cried as I wrapped the towel around me and the cotton rubbed against my sore, broken skin. My body shook from the shock, and although I’d had a hot shower, I felt cold—freezing cold.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face looming over me. The way he looked at me—lovingly—make me sick. I gagged, slapping my hand over my mouth. Running to the toilet, I made it just in time to lean over it and empty the contents of my stomach.

“Lily,” Poppy called through the door. She spoke so softly, like I was a newborn baby. I gripped the towel and pulled it around me tighter. My heart raced in my chest. I didn’t want anyone to see me. “Can I come in?” Nothing came out when I tried to talk, just a quiet squeak. I sat down on the toilet seat and gripped the towel.

Poppy pushed the door open and peered around the side. I turned away, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. She knelt down in front of me, and I tensed. “This is going to be a stupid question, but are you okay?” she asked. I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself. She was right, that was a stupid question.

“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t much, but it never lasts very long, I promise.” It wasn’t much at all. The length of time didn’t matter; I didn’t want him anywhere near me for one second.

“Shh, I know. You don’t need to say anything.” Poppy wiped the tears from my face. I didn’t even have the energy to push her away. “Come on. I’ll take you back to the bedroom. You need some sleep.”

I stood beside my bed and let Poppy dress me in some pajamas. It was as if I had forgotten how to do everything. She guided me down on the bed and tucked me in. I felt like her daughter. Violet was already asleep, and I wished I was too.

***

I wished I could speak to Lewis, even for just a second, just to hear his voice. Pressing my face into the pillow, I cried silently. The bed shook where my body heaved from my sobbing. I could still feel him on me. As ill as I felt, I couldn’t even get up and be sick. My legs were too heavy, and I just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Closing my eyes, I pictured Lewis’s face, his smile, his laugh, and the way he said my name. I could still hear it perfectly in my head. Sum. He was too lazy to say my whole name most of the time, but it still gave me butterflies every time he said it. And the way his eyes lit up when he said it, like he was so happy just to say my name.

When I was with Lewis, it was special. He made me feel special, like the only girl in the whole world. He was soft and gentle. With him it meant everything. I was safe and loved. I cried harder, remembering how amazing it felt with him. I would never have that again. Now it was messed up and dirty. I was messed up and dirty, and Lewis would never look at me in the same way again. How could he?

I buried my head in the soaking wet pillow and squeezed my eyes closed again. All I wanted was to fall asleep and forget everything. Now I had nothing left for him to take from me, though. Did it really matter what he did to me now? I curled up tighter, making myself as small as I could, and hugged my legs. I cried until I’d run out of tears and my throat burned. Eventually, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep. The only thing that kept me from falling apart was knowing that wasn’t my first time—that he hadn’t stolen that from me too.

Saturday, May 2nd (2009)

Lewis looked nervous. He kept biting the inside of his cheek. Why is he nervous? My heart was beating a million miles an hour, and I felt like I was going to faint. He straightened up on my bed and tightened his arm around me. We had the house to ourselves as my parents were away for their anniversary and Henry had a date with a weird girl who laughed at all his sucky jokes.

Tonight Lewis and I were going to have sex for the first time. It was also my first time ever, and I was almost sick with nerves. What if I did something wrong? I was totally in the deep end here, and he just kept saying everything was fine. Apparently I couldn’t mess it up. I didn’t want to prove him wrong.

“You okay?” I asked. I still didn’t know why he was scared—he’d done it before!

“Yeah.” He nodded and wiped his hand on his jeans. “You?”

“I’m fine,” I whispered. I was ready and had been for a little while now, but everyone said it hurts the first time so I was scared. Hurt how much?

We spoke a few times about when, and I didn’t want it to be quickly before my parents got home from work or in the back of a car, so we planned on tonight. Shouldn’t he make the first move? I looked up at him through my eyelashes. What if he had changed his mind? I mentally laughed at myself. What seventeen-year-old guy changed his mind about sex?

“You’re nervous,” I said, blushing.

He nodded. “A bit.”

“Why?” He shrugged, giving nothing away. “Lewis?”

“I dunno, it’s just different this time. And you’re a virgin.” Oh, sorry! I frowned, and he laughed. “That’s not a bad thing, Sum.”

“I know,” I replied, narrowing my eyes.

“Would you rather wait?”

“No,” I whispered. “Would you?” He smirked, his eyes dancing with amusement. “I’ll take that as a no,” I muttered sarcastically. He bent his head and kissed me. My tummy flipped over and over again. His lips pressed against mine forcefully but somehow gently at the same time. It was dizzying. “I’m ready now,” I muttered against his lips.

He groaned and tangled his fingers in my hair. “Wait, should I have roses scattered on the bed or something cheesy like that?”

“Yeah, because every girl wants a thorn sticking in her butt on her first time. It’ll be special. I don’t need all the cheesiness.” His lips covered mine suddenly. After a second, I kissed him back and we fell onto the mattress. My clothes just seemed to disappear. He was good at this. I felt stupid, not really knowing what to do.

Lewis was gentle as he pushed inside me, really gentle, but it still bloody hurt. Closing my eyes, I gripped hold of his back. I loved how he made me feel, that we were like one person right now, but I couldn’t ignore the pain. I bit down on my lip and he stilled. “Do you want to stop?”

“No!” I blushed at how desperate I sounded, but it was true—I really didn’t want to stop. I wanted to get past the hurting part. “I like being this close to you and, anyway, I’ll be okay after a few minutes.” I hope. Kerri better be right! He kissed me again, and I was too lost, too wrapped up in him to think about the pain that was very slowly subsiding. It was perfect, even without the candles and roses.

***

I cuddled into his side with my head on his chest. “You okay? Does it still hurt? You’re not still in pain, are you? I can get you something,” he rambled, drawing random shapes on my back with his fingers.

“Lewis, chill, I’m fine.”

“You said it hurt.”

“It did, but I think I’ll survive.” I rolled my eyes.

“So you’re in pain, but you won’t take anything for it because it’s not a pain that will kill you?” He shook his head and looked at me in amusement. “I think your stubbornness has reached a new level.”

“Or,” I said, “I’m just not a big baby. Besides it’s a nice pain, and it doesn’t really hurt that much now.”

“You’re such a weirdo,” he teased and kissed my forehead.

I laughed. “Yeah, love you too.”