“Where you headed, sir?” Ken asked Ryan, who was pulling on his slightly soggy boots.
“Seems Jessie’s in the mood to play in the snow. I thought she was joking at first, but she’s been out there a good fifteen minutes now.”
“Snow’s deep.”
“Yep. She’s probably buried in a drift somewhere and can’t get out.”
“Want some help?”
Ryan was slightly surprised at his offer. “Sure, why not.”
It took only a minute for them to find Jessie. The backyard was beginning to look like a choir of snow angels.
“Come join in the fun!” a cold-sounding voice called.
Just then Nelly came around the corner of the house, leaping through the drifts, and tore between the two men who were staring at the frolicking white blob they assumed to be Jessie. Nelly headed straight for Jessie, who had by now caught sight of her impending doom. She stopped, momentarily frozen in time before disappearing under the slobbering beast. Jessie could barely discern the raucous laughter of Ryan and Ken over Nelly’s jubilant panting and licking. She pushed the huge dog off her chest. There’s another reason I prefer cats. She arose slowly, trying to wipe the worst of Nelly’s now-freezing slobber from her face. The approaching laughter met her glare and she barreled toward them. Ryan, now but a few feet away, stopped in midstep just before getting tackled. Despite the handfuls of snow being forced into his mouth, he couldn’t stop laughing. He finally collapsed, smiling as he caught site of Gramps in the tropical comfort of the enclosed forest at the rear of the cabin. Gramps watched as the three built fort walls, then prepared for war—letting loose a barrage of flying snow that would make any parent proud.
After their afternoon cavorting, Ryan, Ken, and Gramps headed for the Jacuzzi. Jessie had declined, stating she had more wrapping to do. Ryan was the first to enter the warm water. What could she possibly have left to wrap? he thought in annoyance as he leaned back.
Today had been the first time in months that he and Jessie had actually had “fun” together. It felt good. He had let her win the snowball fight and helped her build her fortress wall. It was possible she was being overly kind because Ken was there, but he hoped that she was simply distracted to the point that she was letting her heart lead instead of her head. He liked the playful side of her and naturally wanted more.
“This feels great,” Ken said as he relaxed into the water.
“Nothing like a good hot tub after a day in the snow,” Gramps added, following suit.
“All you did was watch,” Ryan scoffed.
“Yeah, well, these old bones wouldn’t have lasted fifteen minutes out there buildin’ forts and tossin’ snow grenades.”
“So, you two gonna get married?” Ken’s question came out of nowhere.
“Who? Me and Jessie?” inquired a stunned Ryan.
“Yeah.”
“Uh, well, if I had my way . . .”
“She doesn’t want to?”
“She’s not ready,” replied Ryan.
“How come?”
“Like you, she has some things to work through.”
“Huh.” Kenny seemed thoughtful. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t put it all on her.”
That ended that conversation, but the room wasn’t tense with discomfort as Ryan had anticipated. Rather the atmosphere was relaxed, the air sweet with the scent of the solarium’s flourishing life, and the water was warm and comforting.
Kenny looked around at the indoor forest, the river with its redwood walkways and the lush tropical plants, and wished he’d asked sooner to use the Jacuzzi. He wondered if this kind of luxury made life any easier. He thought of his small home and what his parents went through just to afford that.
But then the memories of happier times floated through his mind—of his childhood and brother. Patrick had always been kind to him. He had never teased Kenny like his friends’ older brothers teased them. Patrick had helped him with schoolwork and taught him to tie his shoes when his mother had given up. Sometimes during Patrick’s late-night readings, he would signal that the coast was clear and let Kenny join him under the flashlight-lit covers.
With cruel suddenness, the horrible day of Patrick’s death intruded into his thoughts. Kenny had run home during his lunch hour because he’d forgotten a book report. Out of breath, he’d thrown open the door to their room. The room was meticulous—except for the blood. Kenny had run to his brother and lifted his head. He’d heard himself shouting his brother’s name over and over, his mind gone limp. Then he’d just sat there, cradling his brother’s head in his arms until someone came home.
Kenny forced his mind elsewhere. He looked up through the glass windows above him. Though the evening was still relatively young, the stars had bloomed and were now glowing brightly. “Shrinks must make really good money,” he said to no one in particular. Both Ryan and Gramps laughed.
“They do okay. Depends on how many hours you choose to devote yourself to it, and how many clients—things like that,” answered Ryan.
“You must’ve worked a lot, then.”
“Most of what we have around here isn’t because of my efforts, but rather to my late wife’s. She inherited a dynasty of horse breeders.”
Gramps set about extracting himself from the hot tub. “I think it’s time I started somethin’ in the kitchen.”
“I’m really hot,” Ken said, following in Gramps’s wake.
Ryan figured Ken didn’t want to be alone with him. The boy was most likely afraid that he’d try to find out what was bothering him. Besides, it was Jessie the kid was relating to.
Late into the evening everyone adjourned to the great room to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. Ryan sat down by Jessie, which, to his surprise, garnered no disapproval.
Jessie, playing therapist, kept a close eye on Ken during the movie. While it appeared Ken ran away because of Thornton, she still had an uneasy feeling that there was something deeper going on. Will his conscious mind be influenced by George Bailey and his journey to the bridge? Will this movie upset him? As it turned out, if he had been bothered by it, he gave no indication. Maybe, like most teenage boys, he wasn’t watching it at all, Jessie thought. He was probably spending the entire time thinking about cars or girls.
* * *
“You’re in here somewhere, aren’t you?” Jessie’s subdued voice filtered through the darkness as she reached the top step of the loft near the game room. It was almost midnight and she’d been trying to sleep for an hour.
“Yes,” came the reply.
“Figures,” she retorted.
“I had a great time today. It’s been a long time since I’ve played in the snow.”
Jessie made no response as she walked to the window. She was wrapped in a blanket and holding her tea. She opened the blinds to let the moonlight stream in. Now she could see Ryan, his feet stretched out in the recliner. Nelly was nowhere to be found. Probably glued to Ken, she thought as she stepped past Ryan and nestled into the couch.
“I would think you’d be exhausted tonight. Nightmare wake you?” Ryan gently asked.
“No. You want to put the presents out?”
“If you’d like,” Ryan replied.
After a few minutes of silence, Jessie let out a soft sigh. “Look, I know I’m going to regret this, but I have a question.”
“I’m all ears.”
“What’s the real reason I want Ken fixed by tomorrow?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“You mean you won’t.” Jessie inched the blanket closer to her face. “Fixing him has nothing to do with me.”
“Then why did you bring it up?”
“Because you think you know everything!” Jessie hissed, louder than she had intended.
“Okay then, you tell me why you wanted Ken fixed by tomorrow.”
“I already did. But you didn’t believe me.”
Ryan leaned forward, placed his elbows on his knees, and locked his fingers together. His facial expression was serious. “All right, try again. Maybe this time you’ll be more convincing.”
“Like I said before, he’s a messed-up kid and there’s something that’s not right at home. I mean, other than the Thornton issue. Generally kids don’t just decide, ‘Hey, I want to be a drug runner.’ There’s usually something that pushes them that direction.”
“It’s not about motives, Jessie, it’s about timing,” Ryan cut in.
“Come again?”
“It’s about fixing him by a certain time, not fixing him in general.”
“I’m not following.”
“Yes, I can see that.”
“Well?”
“I’m not going to give it to you, Jessie.”
“Then be quiet and let me think,” Jessie said somewhat sharply.
Ryan watched as Jessie moved into her usual thinking position; pacing, wrapped in a blanket, and jiggling a teacup. “I’m going to grab some more coffee. You want me to reheat your tea?” he offered.
“Whatever,” she said in distracted frustration.
Jessie found herself at the window again. The valley below was exquisite. The moon’s reflecting light was so intense that it made her seriously contemplate the purpose of the “lesser light to rule the night” from Genesis. It was, for a moment, distracting. This wasn’t the Christmas I planned. But what did I expect? I haven’t really talked to him since we found my mother’s letter.
When Jessie had first made the choice to stay in Stone Ridge, she was distant to say the least. But as time went on, she’d opened up and brought Ryan a little closer to her world. But when he’d gotten too close, she’d instinctively shut him out. She had used her newfound religious beliefs as the reasoning for ignoring him, but that was a lie. She wasn’t protecting him from anything, she was alienating him.
I knew this storm was serious. I knew by going to Gramps’s I would inevitably end up in Ryan’s arena. I need to let go of my pride and just talk to him.
Ryan reentered the loft and cautiously extended his hand holding her cup toward Jessie. “Here.” He was prepared for anything. She’d either accept the tea graciously or punch him in the nose, sending the hot liquid cascading down his body.
She chose the gracious approach. “Thank you.” She walked to the couch and slowly sipped at her tea.
“I’m not sure—” he began.
“Ryan, wait. I’m the one who asked you the question, so I know that I’m the one searching for an answer. I’m scared because I don’t want to depend on anyone other than myself. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and that inevitably I’ll be hurt.” Jessie paused, surprised at her commentary.
Ryan slowly edged his way to the recliner. This he hadn’t expected. He decided to remain quiet since he had no clue as to the direction she would go.
“That’s just the way life is,” she continued. “Trust and hurt are synonymous. Maybe not to you, but they are to me. This relationship has been cemented in my mind for years. A few months of you and your wisdom can’t change that for me. I didn’t want to be here when Elliott put me in the position he did. But I came because I didn’t see much choice at the time, and I have become a better person because of it. I like Stone Ridge, I like the country, and I love being around the horses. I’ve grown to love Gramps and, well, I’ve grown accustomed to you too.” Tears were building in Jessie’s eyes, but her will held them in check.
Jessie cleared her throat before she continued, “The reason I wanted Ken’s issues resolved by tomorrow was because I was planning on leaving then, and I wanted closure. I was planning on going back to the city. I don’t want to be a therapist anymore. I have nothing to offer. There’s so much I don’t understand. I can’t stay here with you when I don’t know who I am. Running is what I do, so I know you’re not surprised. You need to get on with your life now too. It’s up to me to create that opportunity for you.”
She forged ahead before Ryan could respond. “You were right. I came here to hide from reality. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop hiding. I thought . . . I thought that having received an answer to my prayers, things would be different. But they’re not. God finally answers me, and I’m more confused now than I was to begin with. I should never have found that letter from my mother.” Her tears finally won out.
“Will you tell me about that?” Ryan’s words were soft, soothing.
Jessie readily conceded. “That night I knocked on your door, I felt like I’d been given a miracle. That was when I realized you were right and my anger was with my mother. She wasn’t there to protect me when I needed her. I decided to pray, even though I still also harbored resentment toward God for not being there. I begged to know why the two most important people in my life weren’t there for me. That’s when the word lilacs came to me. I didn’t understand it at first, so I prayed harder. Then I got it. I immediately realized that my father would have hidden the letter that she intended for me. He could never have brought himself to destroy it.”
“That’s when we went digging.”
“Yes. To my place of refuge—the lilac bushes. He buried it right under my nose. I didn’t know she had cancer. I know she didn’t want Katie and me to watch her die, and it wasn’t her desire that we end up with our father. I altered that course when the people at the theater read the note my mother had pinned to my coat. I corrected them when they stated our last name as Smith. So I shouldn’t be angry with her or God, right? But I still am. It’s not easier. I can’t seem to let go. I keep trying, but . . .” She wiped her nose with the tissue from her pocket. “I thought that after such an experience, the hurt would be gone.”
She sighed. “I don’t want to lean on God. I don’t want to lean on you. And if I stay, I’ll have to keep dredging all this up and I don’t think I have the energy. Why do I have to anyway? I can be alone and paint, and who does that hurt? And don’t say it hurts me, because it doesn’t. That’s how I want it to be. You have to let me go.” She retrieved her tissue and blew her nose hard. “I’m sorry to have spoiled your holiday.”
Ryan fought the urge to move closer. He waited to be sure she was finished. “Will you come with me?” He stood and placed his hands in the front pockets of his sweatshirt.
She pulled the blanket tight. “Where to?”
“Come.” Ryan extended his hand.
“Ryan—”
“Please?”
Jessie breathed deeply. “Can I bring the blanket?”
“Absolutely.”