Jessie’s eyes widened as her breathing came to a halt. Of course! Bishop Grant’s son. This explained why Ryan had been belligerent to the bishop that day at the hospital when he’d come to give Ruth a blessing.
Jessie and Ryan listened to the wind pushing against the cabin. After a few minutes, Jessie quietly spoke. “That would explain your dislike for Bishop Grant.”
“Yes. Fortunately, though, you’ve put things into perspective for me over the months, and now I’m able to let go of that.”
“You’ve forgiven Randy and the bishop?”
“Yes.”
“Wait a minute. What could I have possibly done to help you to let go of all those years of anger? And even so, how can you just ‘let go’?”
“You’ve managed—through your grief—to turn to the only true source of comfort, even though you were angry with Him.”
“You mean God?”
“Yes. I find it commendable that you’ve let go of your pride long enough to recognize that you want peace and to find something better than the bitterness of anger and grudges. It doesn’t serve any purpose other than to hold you back from living the kind of life you were born to live. You’ve been an amazing example to me. When I said I never felt good enough to be a Mormon, it was because I failed so many times in the gospel. I should have stood up for the truth that day in class, I should never have agreed to help set fire to someone’s property, I should never have flaunted Brecca’s money, and I shouldn’t have started drinking to forget my problems. If I hadn’t, I might not have lost Brecca and my son. I’m still not sure why God took her and left me. Seems an unbelievable waste. But He did, and I’m left to suffer the consequences of my choices.”
Jessie was silent, so he continued. “The whispers from Brecca were for me to ‘let go.’ At first I thought it meant to let go of her and get on with my life. And while I believe that was part of it, the bigger picture was that by hearing her voice, she was inviting me to let go by forgiving and healing. I can’t bring her back. There’s no way to make a physical restitution for what I’ve done. But I can forgive those I’ve conveniently blamed, and I can use the knowledge that God has granted me and the wealth which Brecca left and put it to good use in helping others.”
After a moment’s silence Ryan added, “Feelings of inadequacy and incompetence distract us from doing good. Heavenly Father has put us here to succeed gloriously, not to fail miserably.”
Jessie cut in with a familiar quote. ‘“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure’—”
‘“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us,’” Ryan finished the quote from Nelson Mandela. They stared at each other for a moment. “And if you can realize that, then I ought to be ashamed of myself. I’ve had the truth for a long time, but I’ve allowed it to get buried beneath my pride.”
“So you’re better now because your wife spoke to you from the dead and because I’ve turned myself over to God?”
“I’m not all better, Jessie. The realizations have come, but like you’ve said before, it’s been years that I’ve carried these resentments. While I have ‘let go,’ the patterns of learned behavior and thought are still there. And now I have to struggle to overcome those patterns.
“And as far as you and I go, well, if you choose to leave, even though I know you don’t really want to, I’ll let you go. I won’t run after you and publicly proclaim my love or how desperately I need you. The choice to stay has got to be yours. I can’t rescue you from this choice. You have to make it.”
“But, Ryan, somehow you’ve missed the point. You’re under the illusion that I’m better. I’m not—not at all. The miracle of finding that letter has done nothing for me. Look at me, I’m a wreck!”
“You’re a wreck because you’re choosing to be. You’re scared to ‘let go’ of your old self and your old patterns. That miracle is what broke the shackles that bound you. You just haven’t decided to leave the captivity of the cell. It’s all you’ve known, and there’s comfort in that.”
Jessie’s eyes watered again, and she was feeling as if tranquility was just beyond her grasp. “I’m a therapist for crying out loud. I know exactly what to tell people when they’re where I am—why can’t it work for me?”
“You know why. The same reason it takes your clients time to change—you’ve been taught from childhood that you’d amount to nothing, that you were no good and had nothing to offer. Your miracle can’t change that or take away its hurt. It just opens the door for you to recognize what you need to face. I know you’ve said you’ve found a place to forgive your father, and even your mother. But I believe you did it only cerebrally, because of what you learned from the letter. It just seemed the correct course of action. I’m just not sure you really felt that release for them in your heart.”
Ryan watched as the woman before him became childlike in her expression as the tears flowed freely. “You gave what you weren’t prepared to give because it was the right thing to do. The anger is still there, and rightly so. You were hurt, Jessie, physically, emotionally, and spiritually in ways parents should never hurt a child. You got it all—and it’s time to acknowledge that anger in a healing way.”
Jessie wiped at her eyes, and in a quiet voice said, “So what’s the textbook answer here?”
“There’s not a textbook answer. You know that, but the world has taught us how to convince people that there is. You’re searching in the wrong arena. The answer lies in the book of Isaiah when he declares, ‘And with his stripes we are healed.’ Real healing is offered us through the Savior, who said, ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.’” The instant the words issued from Ryan’s mouth, he felt a warmth spread through him that he hadn’t felt for a long, long time. He could no longer deny what he’d always known as truth.
Jessie pulled her knees to her chest, her auburn hair falling around her sobbing form. Ryan grasped the collapsed blanket and wrapped it tightly around her shoulders and pulled her to him.
“I can’t heal you, Jessie, even though I desperately want to. But I won’t abandon you in the process. What’s left to be done involves a personal connection with your Savior. He is the only one that truly understands how you feel. He was there. And He was also there for Katie and your mother, and your father, and understands their part in it. But most importantly, He has already borne sins and the hurt for all of you.”
Jessie gently pulled herself away to look at Ryan. She was surprised at his sudden religious fervor. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t understand. You haven’t done all this, have you? But here you are, suddenly ready to save the world?”
“Not the world, Jessie, just you and me, and in reality we’ve already been saved. Enlightenment can be sudden. I’ve simply had a shift in identity. Not forgiving Randy, the bishop, myself, and blaming God allowed me to live with my egotistical self. Remembering and accepting that I am indebted to Him for everything and that life’s journey is to become like Him has helped me shift to my eternal self. Most of us walk around only getting glimpses of enlightenment. It’s a rare few who can regard it as a permanent state.
“You also have to realize that my own actions, when I truly knew better, caused my issues and problems. And I knew at every step the way out. I just haven’t owned up to it until now. You, on the other hand, were a child when this was all thrown upon you. You had no wise counsel available to help you. You were left to the pain, misunderstanding, and injustice born of a cruel environment. Nothing that happened to you was your fault, and the misunderstanding of it and the lack of your ability as a child to cope with it created the patterns of hurt and self-doubt that haunt you now.
“I struggled because I denied and acted against the happiness available to me. You’re struggling because you’ve had a glimpse of happiness and of your true potential, but your old self, which evolved to protect you from your childhood pain, is preventing you from embracing change and your new spiritual awareness.”
“But you lost Brecca and your son. You had loss too. Where’s your pain?”
“Let me back up. You asked if I’ve allowed myself to feel the hurt from all my wounds. The answer is yes. I’ve visited my Gethsemane, if you will. I’ve cried for my loss, and I’ve agonized over my choices, but some of my losses were of my own doing and I understand now why I made the stupid choices that I did. I’m in the process of forgiving myself for things that I basically understand. Not so for you. Your situation is more complex, although the solution isn’t. So it’s been easier for me. I still feel sadness about Brecca, about the baby, but I know what’s next for me. You mentioned something about Bishop Grant asking if you knew why you were here, and about a ‘test’?”
“Yeah?”
“Has he talked to you yet about what he meant?”
“No, but before you get into it, I have another question.”
“Go ahead.”
“How come you know so much if you quit at seventeen?”
Ryan drew in a deep breath and pinched the top of his nose with his fingers. “I learned a great deal from Ruth’s lectures and had many discussions with Brecca. The gospel isn’t something you easily forget, anyway. Truth is truth. It’s no less powerful simply because you choose to ignore it. Now I need to do something about it.”
“Okay, this life is a test. It’s only a test . . . right?”
“Partly, yes. It’s a test of many things—of our faith, patience, strengths, how we adapt, our priorities, desires, and our beliefs.” He paused. “C.S. Lewis said, ‘You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down.’ That’s what this test is about—testing ourselves against what life can throw at us. We’re struggling to reach our potential, but to do that we have to overcome and change.” He paused to look at her.
“Simon didn’t become Peter until he’d been severely tried and tested,” Jessie offered, softly.
“Yes. I believe that trials serve multiple purposes. But I think that the greatest purpose is to offer us an opportunity to prove that we love Him more than anything else.”
“Like Job did.”
“Yes, like Job did.”
“So I’ve failed, then.”
“No! Absolutely not, Jessie. Heck, I haven’t even failed, and that’s what took so long to realize.”
“But nothing’s changed since my miracle, Ryan.”
Ryan smiled and took her hands in his. Jessie tried gently to nudge them free. “We’re back to that, are we? Don’t push me away, Jessie. I know you don’t want to. It’s time you let go of that as well and let me in. You have to begin making a commitment to something other than your belief that you can do everything yourself.”
Jessie stared at him, then finally said, “I need some time, Ryan.” They sat in silence a few moments, then she took a deep breath, smiled, and said, “I’m not sure what time it is, but we probably ought to be getting things under the tree.”