“I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.”
At first, you might have thought that writing your own story seemed easy. After all, you know yourself best. It should be that simple. You remembered dozens of life moments, vignettes flashed through your mind, and you imagined having enough material for a very large book. Then it began to sink in, and you began to feel overwhelmed. Where do I start? you wondered. What do I include? What doesn’t need to be said?
The answer: You start with yourself. You are the architect, master builder, and owner of your life story house. It’s all yours. From beginning to end you have total control over what goes into your story and how to present it. Using the themes in this book will assure you that your life story will be complete—every brick in place, every inch constructed with forethought and skill. These themes will be your safety net. They can help make your life story—and you—shine.
Before we begin writing in earnest, let’s look at the hero of your story—you. There’s more to being the hero than being the star. Here are four challenges to being so prominent in your own life story.
Many life stories are written by the World War II generation, who find it difficult being the center of attention. One of their strongest social values is modesty, and they were born and nurtured with the belief that humility shows strength of character. One of their most common concerns is “I would love to tell my story, but I can’t imagine anyone being interested in it.” What they really mean is they don’t like to be the focus of attention. It pushes them beyond their comfort zone. “What will people think?” they might say, worried that others will judge them for being so bold.
Surprisingly, this hurdle is often easy to get past. If shining a spotlight on your story troubles you, look for permission from loved ones. They will remind you that your life story is just one piece of a family puzzle and that it is a gift to future generations. This might be all the assurance you need to proceed. “I will write about my life for my grandchildren. They can learn from my experiences and the world I lived in.”
In contrast, much younger people write their life stories, too. People in their twenties and thirties are often comfortable being at center stage. Their challenge is a different one: They may have fewer life experiences in which to show personal growth and change. While they have fully embraced an open society that celebrates full disclosure, as reflected in the desire for transparency in government and business and mirrored by the continued popularity of reality television, younger writers may need to find limits to their self-disclosure. Candor can produce wisdom.
As the sole hero of your story, you possess power. You can harness the energy of your life and transform it into a dynamic force. As you work through the themes, you have the chance to flex your writing skills. You control the ebb and flow of your story, taking it through the good times, the challenging times, and, occasionally, the tragic times. Your story, and your depiction of yourself as hero, should have shadings of both light and dark. Lighter moments will be easy to write. However, we are all flawed in some way, and this is where the essence of courage, redemption, and the true story can be found. It is in writing through this darkness that you will become a hero.
Being at center stage means that you control the moment. As you work through the life themes, you will begin to sense the wonder of being connected to so many other people. They will live again in your stories, but how do you write about them? What do you tell, and what do you leave out? This is your responsibility. You will understand that all other characters in your life story must remain secondary. They are there to add context and can play off you in good and bad ways. How did a well-respected and much-loved aunt or uncle influence you as a child? If you had a sibling who was unable to deal with addiction challenges, how did this affect you? Always keep in mind that it is not your goal to tell their stories. They are in your story because they shared the same life story house at one point in your history. As such, you are not alone. Your responsibility is to show faith in what you write and to portray your characters with empathy—a shared communion of joy and pain.
It can be easy to get carried away when you write about your life. You may have achieved great successes, and your desire to only highlight the good—and to leave out the bad—can be incredibly tempting. You don’t have to be famous to fall into this trap. You could be a respected physician, a tenured professor, or the firefighter who saved lives. You could be the local philanthropist who funded community initiatives that nobody else would touch. There are many heroic stories to tell. However, perpetually playing the hero without ever revealing any of your flaws or failures results in bland and uninteresting writing. It won’t ring true with your readers. We carry a subconscious belief that most heroes will fall off the pedestal at some point. The real heroics are in getting back up, learning from the fall, and moving forward. That’s the stuff great movies are made of. So don’t be the hero on a pedestal. Fill your stories with real heroic deeds, but also be yourself. Be courageous enough to admit when you failed and depict the journey you took to redemption. We are all heroes just for surviving life.
Who is a hero to you? Is it the soldier who throws himself on a live grenade to protect his comrades? Is it the police officer who confronts and subdues an armed burglar? Or does the word hero mean something else to you? Perhaps a hero can be measured for more than just her bravery. There are several ways to define the word. For our purposes these include:
Which of these attributes apply to you? Many of us identify with a few. If you see yourself as a person of conviction, perseverance, and tolerance, these are your heroic tendencies. And as you write through your themes, those attributes you recognize in yourself will become even more evident. You need never use these words in your text, but they should be understood by your readers in the actions you depict and the choices you make in your story. By staying true to your heroic tendencies, you stay true to your story.
Over the course of our lives, we all carry a laundry list of fallibilities. You may be a complainer. You may not be living up to your own expectations. You may procrastinate and never seem to get the big things in life accomplished. You need to ask yourself: Am I that person today? Have I changed? Is that who I am now? These negative attributes can show a path to true heroism in your life story. It can chronicle redemption and how you became a stronger person through courageous change. What were those changes? You need to explain how they affected you during that period of time and afterwards. How are you different now? What was the cost of changing? Do those around you, your friends and family, accept the new you? Addressing these questions will help others—and yourself—better understand the heroic context of the life you have lived.
We’ve identified the many challenges of being the main character in your story, and you now have a better understanding of your heroic strengths. You might choose conviction and perseverance as your strongest characteristics. Or perhaps you feel you are best defined through humility and wisdom. Maybe you’ve opted for tolerance. Meanwhile you may wish to choose which negative attributes you want to include in your story. They may include difficult subject matter such as greed, jealousy, or anger issues. Seeking redemption from these challenges is a heroic journey in itself.
So how do you use this information? How does it fit into your narrative?
The essence of a heroic story is redemption. In his book The Redemptive Self: Stories Americans Live By, psychologist Dan P. McAdams writes: “When people tell their life stories, they not only recount the past, but they also project their lives into the future.” Art Daily lost his wife and two sons in an accident near Aspen, Colorado. In his book Out of the Canyon, he writes about his search for new meaning in life after this devastating loss: “The rest of my life. Do I want to go on? Do I have the spirit, the courage to do this? I don’t know yet, but something moves me onward.” He adds, “Even in this very early time, when I am in deepest shock, there is a raw spark, a glimmer of faith that is telling me that this is what we do. That we are indomitable beings.” Quite simply, most people do not give up, even in the face of terrible adversity and loss.
Perhaps being heroic means nothing more than having the ability to take full responsibility for our own lives. How many times have we heard colleagues and friends blame others for the life they are forced to live? “It’s not supposed to happen this way.” “I’ve hated that job for thirty years. I can’t wait to retire.” The world owes us nothing. We don’t deserve anything. No one dressed in a cape will ever swoop down and rescue us. By writing our life story we come to realize our strengths and weaknesses, our heroism and our shortcomings, and understand fully our own life as lived. This is our deliverance.
It’s often difficult to see ourselves as heroes. Sure, that’s what we’d love others to call us, but we don’t usually see a hero when we look in the mirror.
Earlier we identified seven ways to define the word hero. Review each quality that follows and write down a life experience you remember for each one.
Can you identify which heroic traits resonate the most for you? You may be surprised to note that there have been many times over the course of your life when one or more of the aspects of heroism has been your guiding force. You may have forgotten the time when you gave up your own career in order to stay home and raise your family. Perhaps you chose to serve your country in the military before settling down. Later you will have the opportunity to list your life experiences. They can be used in many of the themes found in Part Two of this book.