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The next morning, I called in sick. I’m not sure which choice would be better, going to work and staying busy, or staying home with my thoughts. I slept as late as possible, cleaned the house, ate enough to stay alive, and convinced myself what really happened was just a figment of my imagination. I blamed myself for being grumpy. I never tried to push him away, never tried to defend myself. Yes, there was the gun, but was that really the reason I laid there.
All the justifying I did gave me the courage to go to work the following day. I arrived early to ensure I wouldn’t bump into Travis in the parking garage. The first thing I did was rip that pink kite from the wall, wad it up and dump it in the trash can. I could still see it, so I stomped it down and threw some more paper on top of it to ensure it was out of sight and out of mind.
The world was moving on in usual fashion. Tim arrived and casually walked by my office, nodded his head good morning, and moved along. My email inbox was full of items to keep me busy and get my mind of the events that had transpired. I could move on. All would be well. It was like movie, “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” I was getting a do-over and could forget the whole nightmare ever happened. I was almost able to smile.
Then who pops into my office, but the nosy Monica.
“Where’s the kite?” she asks, hungry for gossip.
I wanted to hyperventilate. I could tell her nothing. She would repeat it all and relish in my misfortune. She’s sitting there smiling, pretending to be my friend. I had to come up with something to get her out of my office.
“I took it down,” I replied as I continued to look at my computer screen and open emails. I hoped she’d take the hint but knew she wouldn’t care what I felt. She had information to pry and wasn’t leaving until I dished out some tiny bit of juicy information. She fed upon it like a sucker fish affixes itself to the side of an aquarium. It was her nature. She just couldn’t stop herself.
“Why?” She asked, not feigning kindness, just bluntly blurting out the word.
“Because I wanted to. Look, Monica, I was out yesterday and have a lot of work. I’ll talk to you later.” I wasn’t nice. I didn’t feel like being nice.
“You don’t have to snip,” she said, “What’s wrong with you?” At this point she was standing at my door, looking offended.
“I’m just busy.”
I then ignored her and the minute she left, I stood up to shut my door to a crack. Just as I began to close it, the palm of Travis’ hand smacked the middle of the door, stopping me.
“Hello,” he said as he plopped down in the chair Monica had just vacated. He looked impeccable in what appeared to be a brand-new suit and freshly trimmed hair. If he had any regrets about the other night, it sure didn’t show. “You left these in my drawer.” He then pulled a pair of black lace panties and tossed them on my desk.
I quickly grabbed them and stuffed them in my purse. “Thanks. Get out,” I said, staring straight at him. He wouldn’t move.
After what seemed like minutes, but was only a fleeting moment, he said, “So, what’s up? You were pretty hot the other night in more ways than one. You over it?”
I was shocked. Not only did he have no remorse for what he’d done but acted totally clueless. I felt as if I was fully possessed by the devil as I slowly spewed forth, “You...are...dead...to...me. Get out.” There was no goodness inside of me. He had sucked it all away.
He grabbed both arms of the chair and flinched backwards, as if I had spat upon him.
“Whoa. Where did that come from?”
“Do I need to call someone and have you removed or are you going to do it all by yourself? Further, stay away from the copy room and stay out of this side of the hall. I never want to see you again and it is your responsibility to make that happen. Got it? Do you understand what I’m saying?” The nice guy face disappeared as I was speaking. His response was well rehearsed, telling me he knew in absolute terms before he ever walked into my office that I was angry.
He whispered, looking straight at me, leaning forward over my desk, “Listen. You’re crazy. Got that? You’re crazy. If you even dare tell another sole your crazy version of what you think happened, it’ll be your word against mine. I’ll be able to tell my good friend the judge over a round of golf just how crazy you are. You wore those pretty little panties and pranced around, drank like a fish – three bottles. You’re a lush, Chloe. You really need help with your issues. You wanted what I gave you. You rolled over and waited for it to happen, then your mood changed like the moon eclipsing the sun. You went dark for no reason at all so that I couldn’t even look at you. Got that?”
Travis abruptly exited and I began to cry as I heard him exchange friendly banter with coworkers as he walked down the hall. I felt anger, sadness, shock, and fear at the same time. The emotions swirled within me like a hurricane. I felt dark and dirty, but still had enough strength not to let him get me fired for forgetting the pile of work on my desk.
I went to the restroom and came out determined to get on with my life. I would keep moving forward, even if it was step by step. No man would drag me down and ruin my life. I went back in my office and buried myself in the pile of contracts that had stacked in my inbox. Lunch hit and I closed my office door, turned out the lights and laid down under my desk, curled sideways, holding my crunched-up legs. It felt good to hibernate.
By 3:00 p.m., I thought I was going to make it through the day. I only had two hours to fake being normal. I felt good about that. I had returned to my chair and was redlining an agreement when Shirley, the office manager, tapped on my open door and walked in. Shirley was a good woman, but I avoided her as much as I could. She was responsible for all administrative matters, including human resources. If there was a rule to be followed and dispensed, Shirley was responsible for ensuring staff was duly informed. When she showed up, it was rarely for a good reason.
“Uh, hi there Chloe, got a minute?” she asked. You were always obligated to say yes, so of course I obliged by faking a smile and motioning toward a chair.
“Thanks,” she said and then sat there and smiled. Whatever she had to talk about, she was certainly uncomfortable approaching the subject. I was in no mood for polite banter, so I assisted.
“What is it, Shirley?” I asked, wiping the smile off my face. I just couldn’t handle office politics, so just sat and stared at her.
“Uh, yes, I want to make sure you are okay. Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I was hoping the short answers would get her to leave. I had wondered who leaked the news something was amiss. Travis would certainly never talk to her. Only Tim knew the truth, and he’d never break our confidence. Surely someone didn’t hear Tim. God, that would be tragic. I just wanted this nightmare to end.
“Well, Monica stopped by my office and said you seemed upset...you know...not your usual chipper self. And, well, she noticed you took your pretty kite off the wall,” she said, squirming a bit, but trying to appear relaxed.
“Why is everyone messing in my business, Shirley? Isn’t there some damn rule that tells people to stop nosing into people’s personal lives?” I had snipped. I wasn’t kind. There was no kindness left in me. I didn’t like that I couldn’t stop the anger uncontrollably spewing forth, so, again, I began to cry. When would those tears stop flowing?
“Chloe, it is apparent something is wrong. You don’t have to tell me, but please know that as a human resources representative, I am bound by policy to keep anything you choose to share as confidential. If I do anything well, Chloe, I follow policy. Do you understand? I want to help you with whatever is happening to you.”
I looked up at her and could see tears were welling up in her eyes. She had empathy for my sadness without even knowing the cause. In that very moment, I trusted her.
“I...was a ....victim....of domestic...violence...sort of,” I murmured between tears.
She didn’t flinch. It was apparent she’d either been through this herself or had helped others with similar issues.
“You can’t go through this alone. We care about you, Chloe.” She handed me a card and said, “Here, call this number. Tell them you need an appointment. Take a couple of weeks off, okay? You can’t keep going like this.”
Going like what, I wondered. This whole thing just happened last night. If they just gave me a few days to settle down, I’d be fine. Two weeks? What was I going to do in two weeks but sit and ruminate about everything that’s happened? I had lost a boyfriend. I surely wasn’t going to lose my job as well.
She continued to sit there and politely wait for my response. My whole life had turned upside down so fast, I wasn’t prepared to do anything. I just wanted life to continue, with or without Travis. I had no reason to take a leave of absence.
I pasted a smile on my face and calmly said, “Oh Shirley, don’t you think you are all overreacting? I had one little issue and now for some reason you all think I need to take off work. That makes no sense. I’m fine.... really.”
She continued to sit and hold her subtle smile. What is it about silence that brings out the truth? The longer she sat, the more tears welled up within me.
“Chloe, have you ever heard what happens when you put a frog in tepid water and slowly turn up the heat? That frog won’t jump out of the water. It will boil itself to death because it doesn’t realize it’s dying. You, dear friend, have been living in a pot of water that has been slowly getting hotter and hotter. It’s time to jump. Okay? Take a couple of weeks off and get some help. We want our old Chloe back.”
She was right. I didn’t like the person I had become. I was tired and snippy. I had stayed in a relationship with a man that had treated me terribly from the first date. I made excuses for his behavior every time he redeemed himself. It’s okay to forgive, but it certainly is not okay take abuse.
“Okay, Shirley. I’ll do it. Starting Monday.”
“No, Chloe, starting now. If you don’t do this now, you will just keep making excuses.”
“I’m so embarrassed,” I said, “Everyone will think I’ve had some sort of mental breakdown. What will we tell them?”
“We’ll tell them nothing, except that you are out. This is no one’s business.”
“Understood,” I said between sobs. “However, as I leave, I do need to talk to Tim. That is non-negotiable.”
She stood and smiled, “Of course, Chloe. And, remember, you don’t even need to check emails. This is your special break.”
“Thank you, Shirley,” I said, finally managing a real smile.
“You’re welcome, dear. Just don’t forget to call the number I gave you,” she replied. She then gave a friendly wave and left me to gather my things and put my out of office notice on my email.
I grabbed my purse and stopped in Tim’s office without knocking. I sat down and kept my purse on my shoulder. “Tim, I’m taking a couple of weeks off. Shirley knows why, but no one else does. It’s confidential.”
“Understood, Chloe. I love you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah. I love you, too.”
I didn’t want to say any more. Enough had transpired between us already, so I blew him a kiss and quietly snuck out via the back stairwell. I’m sure the gossip would swirl as to why I was out, and a few genuine soles would fear I had some serious health issue and would be angry that I chose not to share what the problem was. But Shirley was right. I shouldn’t care what they thought. This was my life, and it was time to start living it the way I wanted and not focus so much of my time on pleasing others.