Two thin pink lines slowly darken on the stick. Positive. Another displays the word ‘Pregnant’. A third shows double blue lines.
‘Darling, you can pee on everything you can find for the next nine months, but I assure you, the result will be the same.’ Tasha throws the tests in the bin. ‘Eek! We’re having babies!’
She jumps around, giddy with excitement. The warm glow spreading throughout my body meets a slow-moving shadow of doubt. How on earth is Theo going to react? This puts any notion of moving to Greece in jeopardy. He made it perfectly plain he has absolutely no desire to have children or a family, so may retract his request to move in with him.
But I’m excited in between the flashes of panic, and the further serendipity isn’t lost on me. Growing inside my belly is the product of mine and Theo’s union with our parents’ blood fusing the cells together. Their love continues. It gives me both comfort and delight. I can only hope Theo and Grigor feel the same.
I try to push away the quiet fear that snakes around my core at the idea of losing this baby, its precious existence so precarious. I don’t want it taken away. If it is meant to be, then it will be, whether Theo wants a part of this or not.
‘What if I’m banished from the village for getting up the duff out of wedlock? I know it’s not the Middle Ages, but it’s a pretty conservative place. And for Theo this could be his deal-breaker. He most definitely does not want children. What do I do?’
‘Theo will be thrilled. He loves you, doesn’t he? And the elders will be knitting and baking like mad. I doubt you’ll have a moment’s peace. Theo will change his mind when he finds out, I’m sure of it. Perhaps this is the sign you were looking for,’ she replies.
She doesn’t know how stubborn Theo is and I’m about to find out just how deep that goes. Do I wait to tell him when I see him, or call him now?
I made a pact with myself never to conceal anything from him again, especially since learning about Mum’s secret and how hurt I’ve felt by that. I sometimes still feel that way. But this isn’t news to break over the phone. Alarm suddenly clutches at me and becomes too loud to ignore, terrified that history will play out and truly repeat itself. I turn to Tasha.
‘This is all happening the way it did before with Mum and Grigor. What if it carries on in the same vein and I lose the baby like she did? What have I done? This is not my finest moment, Tash.’
She puts her hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me.
‘We’ve both been through too much to get here. Bad things have got to stop happening to good people eventually. And if you move to Greece, you’ve broken the pattern. You can be together. Mumma Lyns and Grigor couldn’t, but you and Theo can.’
I try to take the reassurance, but as I know from my miscarriage, not everything goes to plan or turns out the way it should. Tasha and I are pinning all of our hopes on nature to literally deliver, there is so much at stake. And I can’t land on a decision about moving now, not until I see Theo face to face when I go back to Methoni for my holiday in two weeks.
‘At least we get to do this together,’ I say, thrilled I have a buddy in this. ‘And now, I must return the favour. Will you officially be this little one’s godmother, too?’
‘Just you try and stop me. Although, shouldn’t you ask Theo first?’
‘No! You are a non-negotiable part of this baby’s life.’
We hug once more, giggling.
‘This is so exciting! Angus will freak. Me and you, extra-potty hormones raging at the same time.’
‘I know – we have helping hands all around us.’
I cross my fingers and can’t stop the tears of sorrow that Mum isn’t here to be a granny or to give me advice. To pass on her old wives’ tales she was so fond of dispensing to my pregnant friends: don’t eat meat or the baby will have a big head; if you eat oranges, it’s a boy; don’t take too many hot baths or you’ll puff up like a balloon. I know she’s watching from wherever she is, but I need her help now more than ever.
I’m alone but not alone. I have Tasha and Angus, our gang of school friends, all of whom are already parents, so I have advice available from all directions. And even if Theo doesn’t come with me on this journey, he, Grigor and Mum will always be part of this little one growing inside of me.