‘What’s the point of you bringing me grapes and then siting there while I watch you eat them? Hand them over, would you?’
I pass the breakfast bowl of fruit to Tasha that I brought for us to share and she dives in hungrily.
‘Tasha, have whatever you want.’
She sighs, taking a bite of an apple. ‘Apparently I can’t, though. Motherhood is my nemesis. I’ve failed again.’
I put my hand on her arm, willing her to stop punishing herself. This wasn’t anyone’s fault.
‘But you haven’t failed. You’re still pregnant, and you are going to be a mother. I’m here with you and so is Angus. You can do this. We can.’
‘It feels like it’s all been spoilt, and I know I sound spoilt for saying it and maybe I am – I don’t care. But I was expecting two and now having only one isn’t what I was preparing for.’ She takes another huge bite of apple, trying to stop her tears. ‘I’m an ungrateful cow, aren’t I?’
‘No, you aren’t. Would you stop beating yourself up. You’re allowed to cry for your baby. It’s not what you had planned, but the new version will still be amazing, just different from what you imagined. You have every right to feel angry and cheated. Of course you do. I’m not judging.’
She holds my hand and I lean in from my chair.
‘Thank you for being here. You’re the best friend I could ever dream of. How on earth am I going to cope without you, Soph?’
‘Hey, don’t cry.’ I wipe a tear that trickles out of the corner of her eye into the pillow. ‘I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere.’
She glares at me for a moment and delicately manoeuvres herself into a seated position.
‘What do you mean you’re not going anywhere? Hang on … weren’t you supposed to be in Greece two days ago?’
‘How can I leave you or be away from you after this? You need me and it took forever to get here from across London, let alone from Methoni. I’ve cancelled my trip and I can’t possibly move now. There! Decision made.’
‘Yes, it really did take you forever to get here, Soph.’ She grabs my arm and stares at me straight in the eyes. ‘It took forever to realise you deserve love that’s kind and giving, and that you don’t have to compromise who you are for someone to love you. If you think I’m going to let you put your life on hold to be here for me, like you did for your mum, then you can think again. I want you to go and be with this fabulous man who is offering you everything you want and more. I forbid you to do anything else. Go and be with him.’
‘You can forbid all you like, but I can’t leave now. You’re the one who kept raising doubts and concerns and maybe you were right, after all. I was being reckless, chasing after a fairy tale. You are my family. I can’t be away from you, especially after this.’
‘Look, this can go on for hours, but let me finish it now as I’m quite exhausted. Having you here means everything, but despite my prior misgivings, it’s clear to me that Theo adores you and you him. In the midst of all the drama, he opened your heart and has changed you. You’ve become decisive, found a direction at last. I could never live with myself if I were any part of stopping that.
‘Whatever the reason you’re together – fate, destiny – I know you well enough to understand how deep your feelings run. Please, go and live the life Mumma Lyns couldn’t.’ She takes a quick breath, pointing at my stomach. ‘Don’t you use me as an excuse to avoid telling Theo about your baby just because you’re scared of his reaction. You’re a lot braver than you think you are, so go and get it done, regardless of what he thinks. It’s all or nothing and I suggest, in my immense wisdom, you take it all. Please, please go and be happy, if not for your mother or for me, then for you, Theo and your baby.’
I try to interject, but she is absolute in her conviction and won’t hear another word. I know she’ll eventually be fine, turning her thoughts, when she’s ready, to her surviving twin; finding peace with her lost baby and anticipating the happiness that will come. She’s stronger than I could ever be.
Her ultimate blessing and support ought to leave me without reason for reluctance. But she’s right – I’m afraid. Theo still doesn’t know he’s going to be a father.