CHAPTER 14

Build a Closer Marriage in the Good Times

ONE TIME YEARS AGO, Gary and I caught a plane to speak at a conference in southern Missouri. We’d heard on the news that high winds and torrential rains had been pelting the northern part of the state for several days. It never dawned on us that on the way to our destination —miles farther south —we’d come face-to-face with the dangerous aftermath of the storm.

We landed in the late afternoon in clear weather, then caught the shuttle bus to pick up our rental car. Aside from a few scattered clouds, it looked as if we had picked an ideal, early spring evening to drive the final leg of our trip. Heading out, we predicted the drive would take two hours.

The storm that had lashed out in fury north of us, however, left widespread havoc and danger in its wake. Fields had been turned into small lakes and were dumping their unwanted burdens into already swollen streams. Soon, every major tributary and river was choking from days of rain and mud —and roaring downstream toward a bridge we would soon have to cross.

The last rays of sunlight were fading to darkness when we came over a hill and looked down on a small bridge less than half a mile away. Suddenly, the brake lights of the car ahead of us flashed a brilliant red. The vehicle fishtailed as the driver wrestled it to a stop.

We quickly slowed and edged up to where his car had come to rest sideways in the road. That’s when we saw what we had nearly driven into. Ahead of us, the raging waters were too much for one of the bridge supports. Several pillars had carried the bridge’s weight for years. But in the past hour, the center support had shifted, causing the entire bridge to sag at a reckless angle.

We got out and looked at what had once been a calm, backwoods river, realizing how close we’d come to calamity. For the man ahead of us, a few yards were all that separated him from plunging into the debris-choked waters. Had he not stopped, he and his car would certainly have been swallowed.

In a dramatic way, we learned a lesson about bridge building that night. That is, a bridge is only as strong as the pillars that support it. And what’s true of a bridge is also true of a marriage.

Building a Bridge of Intimacy That Won’t Wash Away

We’ve counseled hundreds of couples over the years. In all our interviews, we have yet to meet one couple, when first married, who didn’t want to build a strong bridge of intimacy. However, after a few years, many couples feel they are standing alone, stranded —one on one side of a problem-clogged river, the other on the opposite bank. Between them is their dying dream of intimacy —crumbling, twisting, and falling into a flood of bitterness.

Would you like to avoid that kind of anguish in your marriage? Would you like to build a solid support of meaningful communication that can withstand whatever storms may come? We’ve seen that intimate, fulfilling marriages have at least five major pillars of support. If they’re driven deep and encased in the cement of unconditional commitment, these pillars can weather any trial or disappointment. But if any one of the five begins to crumble, the entire bridge that carries the marriage’s dreams can sag dangerously.

The First Pillar: Security —and the Best Birthday Present of All

The first structural support for a meaningful relationship is found in one word: security. A marriage built on the pillar of security can best withstand the inevitable storms of life. Conversely, insecurity can do major damage to a marriage, causing its entire structure to shake and crumble.

What do we mean by security? For us, it’s the assurance that someone is committed to love and value us for a lifetime. It’s a constant awareness that whatever difficulties we face, we’ll work to solve our problems together. Security means we’re fully committed to the truth, and we’ll be truly open to correction.

In a book we wrote called Love Is a Decision, we told how love, at its roots, is a decision —not a feeling. In that regard, one of the most loving things any spouse can do is decide to build security into their marriage.

To discover how word pictures can help meet that goal, let’s examine a special gift that a woman named Charlotte gave her husband. For years, she had seen doubts and unreasonable fears smash against the pillar of security in their relationship. Yet in five minutes, she finally sent those feelings of insecurity downstream.

Putting Insecurity Out the Door

Alan, Charlotte’s husband, had been married once before. Back in high school, he fell head over heels for his wife-to-be and never lost that feeling until her untimely death at age 32. For nine years afterward he felt like a shell —until one spring day when he met Charlotte, a cute, petite blonde with bright eyes and an energetic manner. Her constant smile and radiant personality made him feel 10 years younger. For him, the relationship uncovered forgotten hopes, unearthed hidden feelings of love, and rooted out his deep loneliness.

After a lengthy courtship, they were married in Charlotte’s home church. Alan tried his best to be an encourager and a loving support to his wife. He was patient when she got overly excited, consistently praised her for large and small accomplishments, and cared enough to gently point out areas where she needed to grow. He even helped her pursue a lifelong dream —to take a sabbatical from full-time work and get her college degree. He did this by moonlighting to pick up the economic slack. Not only did his after-hours efforts enable her to study without financial worry, but they also paved the way for the words “high honors” to appear on her diploma that hung in the hall.

In many ways, Alan was a model husband. Yet, try as he might, he never felt totally secure in their relationship. He didn’t struggle with a lack of commitment, because he had vowed to love her for life. For her part, Charlotte had never given him the slightest reason to doubt her faithfulness. She consistently went out of her way to express her love and commitment.

Nonetheless, deep in his heart Alan carried a great fear. After losing his first wife to cancer, he was frightened the same thing would happen to Charlotte. And since she had a bright, perky personality and was 10 years his junior, he felt sure she would leave him one day for a younger, more handsome, college-educated man.

Every time he walked down the hall of their home, he couldn’t help thinking how her crisp, framed diploma made his old, faded trade-school certificate look small and cheap. And try as he might, he couldn’t help feeling that one day his fears would become a reality. He would have only old pictures and a new layer of emotional pain to compound the nine years of past hurt.

Like a splinter pushed deep beneath the surface, his nagging insecurity remained a constant emotional irritant —until his 50th birthday. It was then that his wife gave him the gift of an emotional word picture that caused his doubts and fears to melt away in moments.

In the weeks leading up to his birthday, Alan avoided any mention of that day of infamy. He had turned 40 without the usual traumatic thoughts. But 50? Could he really be that old?

When the dreaded day finally came, part of him was glad Charlotte didn’t say anything about his birthday before he left for work. The other side poked at him with long fingers of insecurity, trying to scratch and pry at his tender spots of fear and doubt.

Of course she didn’t say anything about your birthday this morning, the inner voice would whisper. She’s as embarrassed as you are about your age. Can’t you see that? What do you really have to offer her now that you’re 50?

These thoughts caused Alan to stay late at the shop that day. And when he finally punched out, the same feelings slowed his steps to his car and made him take the long way home.

Even driving slowly, he beat Charlotte home from work —as usual. Things looked as they always did when he pulled into the driveway. The paper boy had missed his usual three-point attempt to hit the front porch, and a stash of letters begged to be taken into the house. And as certain as sunrise and sunset, his aging retriever, Casey, stood on the porch. He wiggled with excitement and wagged his tail as if trying to shake it off.

Alan loved that dog. Casey was his last living link to the years of happiness with his first wife. Through the many dark days after she had died, when he’d sit each night on the back porch and cry, his silent, brown-eyed friend would nuzzle up next to him. Alan was sure the dog could sense his pain, and Casey’s warm presence was a tremendous comfort to his broken heart.

On his way inside, Alan stopped a moment to pat Casey’s head and watch his dog smile in ecstasy as he scratched beneath his chin. Then, after retrieving the mail and paper, he opened the door and reached for the light. But before his hand could flick the switch, another light flashed on and a host of his family and friends jumped from their hiding places.

“Surprise!” they shouted. “It’s about time you got here!”

That evening, there was much kidding and fun, yet it was a sensitive time as well. For each person also wrote a tribute to Alan, testifying how his loving spirit had touched his or her life over the years. But Alan told us later that Charlotte gave him the greatest present of all —a gift that helped not only to dissolve the unfounded fears and insecurity in his marriage, but also to replace them with a rock-solid trust.

It started when she gestured for everyone to give her their attention. “It’s my turn to give Alan his present,” Charlotte said. “And it comes in two parts.”

First, she handed him a box containing a new watch. There were applause and oohs and ahs all around as he held up his new timepiece.

“It’s something I know you’ve been needing. And whenever you look at it, I want you to think about me,” she said, a twinkle in her eye. “But I have another gift for you —a little story I’d like to tell while our friends and family are here.

“I’ve never told most of you about my background, but I guess I’ve always been like a hyper cocker spaniel puppy —one that’s always bouncing around and getting into something it shouldn’t,” she began.

Nods and smiles of understanding filled the room. Everyone present knew that even on an off day, she was a nonstop whirlwind of activity. Basically, everyone thought of Charlotte as a party waiting to happen.

“But I grew up in a home where being a cocker spaniel wasn’t acceptable. I was always disliked for being me and was made to feel I should have been something different. I was never brushed or combed, and every time I’d jump up for some attention or get into something I shouldn’t have, I’d be knocked down and put on a choke-chain leash.

“I’m not going to go into it all, but by the time I was in high school, things got really bad. At one point, I was told I was a mongrel who’d never be worth anything. I was even put in a car and driven down to the local animal shelter and thrown out on its doorstep.

“I ran away before the people in the pound could grab me. But for years after that experience, I wandered around the streets, never really believing anyone could love me just as I was, a cocker spaniel.

“Then one day, Alan saw me walking by —matted hair and all —and he gently picked me up. I don’t know how, but he believed that a purebred was beneath all that dirty, matted hair. And then he took me home, washed and brushed my coat, and even gave me a beautiful ribbon to wear.

“All my life, I’d been made to feel I was a mutt. But when I could see how much he believed in me and cared for me, I began to think I might have a pedigree after all.”

Charlotte paused for just a moment to push back her hair. A quick glance around the room indicated she had everyone’s attention —especially Alan’s.

“Over these past six years, I’ve been loved and protected. I’ve even found that I have a lifetime friend to live with. There are days when the puppy in me still comes out, and I run around and accidentally knock things over. Even then, I’m still loved, not beaten and thrown outside,” she said, turning toward Alan with her eyes dampened.

“After years of feeling like a mixed breed, I finally have a home where someone treats me as though I’m a purebred champion. I finally have somewhere to go where I don’t have to worry about changing and being something or somebody I’m not.

“Alan, I know you’re the one with the birthday and presents, but I feel I’ve gotten the greatest gift of all. That’s because every day, I get to live with a man who says to me in a thousand different ways, ‘I will never, ever take you away or put you back on the street again.’ Honey, I love you with all my heart.”

Charlotte had spent less than an hour thinking up and practicing her word picture, drawn from the search field of nature. She knew Alan loved animals, especially Casey. She had originally thought her story would be just another way of adding a special touch to a surprise party. But it meant much more to Alan. It touched him so deeply that six years of insecurity and unfounded fear were swept away.

When it comes to building a bridge of intimacy in your marriage, is your own pillar of security solid? If you were to question your spouse —without any pressure or nonverbal threats —about how secure he or she feels in your relationship, what would the answer be?

Why not ask your spouse to choose, on a 1-to-10 scale, how secure your actions and attitudes make him feel? If 1 equals total insecurity and 10 is complete security, how high would you score? Have you ever asked your spouse what it would take during the next six weeks to move closer to complete security or what you could do to maintain it if you’ve already achieved that goal?

A bridge between husband and wife can’t stand up to raging waters if the pillar of security is made of sandstone. By using word pictures to strengthen your spouse’s self-esteem, you not only will help her discover new levels of confidence, but you’ll shore up your marriage with pillars of granite as well.

Of course, we realize it takes more than this language of love to build security in a marriage. Word pictures must also be linked with everyday actions that promote trust, truthfulness, and confidence. At the end of this chapter, we have a list of resources that can help you do just that.

Though actions may speak louder than words, the latter are still critical to a healthy marriage. Simply put, your spouse needs to hear he’s appreciated and be told he’s loved. Of all the ways to express praise and support, word pictures are the best, for they immovably plant words of security in a person’s heart. And remember, they can build security in more ways than one.

In Alan’s case, his wife used the language of love to praise him, and her expression of encouragement worked beyond her wildest dreams. In several previous examples, we’ve also seen that correction can be accomplished most effectively with an emotional word picture.

Remember Jim and Camila from chapters 7 and 8, each of whom told a story that brought the other to tears? While tears shed over angry or insensitive words can erode security in a marriage, they can also act like glue to bond love and commitment.

Some of us need to stop right now and closely examine our everyday actions. We need to take an objective look at how well we’re doing at building up or breaking down security in our marriage. This examination may prompt us to get more knowledge and skill with which to build security, or it may steer us toward a marriage-enrichment visit with a pastor or other counselor.

Once we’ve worked to establish this first pillar, we need to examine the second major support needed to hold up a healthy marriage. It involves something for which word pictures are custom-made: meaningful communication.

The Second Pillar: Meaningful Communication —Talking Heart to Heart

The word communication is derived from the Latin communis, from which we get common.[54] Put another way, if a husband and wife are ever to communicate effectively, they must find common ground that spans their differences.

In chapter 4, we discovered enough natural differences between the sexes to choke a horse —or a marriage. Yet we also found that one of the most effective ways to bridge these differences is emotional word pictures. For this and all the other reasons we’ve given earlier, we should use word pictures in communication to:

Word pictures are essential to creating intimacy and resolving conflict. Only by mastering this language of love can you achieve clear and powerful speech.

Security and meaningful communication are inescapable necessities if a bridge of intimacy is to last. In the following chapter, we’ll examine the remaining three pillars that support a meaningful relationship. Set deep in the soil of your marriage, they’ll carry years of weight without calamity.

Resources for Change

If you’re ready for change or looking to go deeper in building a great marriage, here is a list of other resources we’ve created that will give you a jump start. Each book offers detailed instruction on developing specific traits that instill lasting security in a relationship. If these nuts-and-bolts skills are lacking in your marriage, these books will serve as how-to manuals for your rebuilding effort.