CHAPTER 15

Use Word Pictures Even More in the Tough Times

TO HELP SPAN more of the inevitable differences and disagreements over a marital life cycle, three additional pillars are necessary. In the most successful marriages we’ve seen, each couple has decided to keep an important flame alive —a flame that can be ignited and fanned by an emotional word picture.

The Third Pillar: Emotional/Romantic Times —Creating Moods That Bond

Keeping the flames of romance burning may not seem as important as security or meaningful communication, but it is. This third pillar can help stabilize a home, particularly through difficult times.

We’re not saying a couple must spend each weekend evening over a candlelight dinner. (In many homes, the kids would have blown out, squirted out, or eaten the candles long before the meal was finished!) But we are saying that wise couples never lose sight of the importance of romance to their marital well-being. Take Anthony, for example.

When he was old enough to date, his mother pulled him aside and explained the importance of romance. After having seen a lifetime of sensitive things his father had done for his mother —and the payoff in the close relationship they enjoyed —he took her advice.

In high school, he went the extra mile to open the car door for his dates and get corsages for special occasions. He made a point of remembering birthdays in a big way and sending cards for special accomplishments. In college, when he looked into the deep blue eyes of a girl in his freshman English class, he knew his practice was about to pay off.

During the four years of dating that followed, his constant stream of notes, cards, flowers, and creative dates with Chloe were a romantic introduction to a lifetime of love. When it came time to propose in their final year of college, he did so in an unexpected way.

He was accompanying Chloe to her parents’ home for Christmas break. He realized she was beginning to expect he might pop the question at any time, but he had special plans.

He had picked up her engagement ring the day before their departure and was bubbling with excitement as they checked in at the airline ticket counter. But then he froze in fear as they neared the security gates. He knew the ring in his pocket would set off the metal detector. The screaming alarm would force him to empty his pockets, and all his planning would be in vain.

Fortunately, the metal detector kept his secret, and they made their way to the departure gate. But even after boarding, Anthony remained as nervous as an expectant father. Almost as soon as he sat down, he excused himself to go to the lavatory. But in reality, he went back to the galley. Trembling all over, Anthony approached the closest flight attendant and awkwardly pushed a black jewelry box into her hands. He was so nervous that she became frightened and tossed it right back! Finally, after assuring her it wasn’t an explosive, he talked her into serving Chloe a plate with her engagement ring on it instead of dinner.

Each of the flight attendants did a tremendous job of keeping the secret. Not once did they give Chloe any special attention that might have aroused her suspicions. They went about their duties, getting all the passengers seated, and after takeoff they came slowly down the aisle serving the meal.

Chloe occupied the middle seat between an elderly woman at the window and Anthony on the aisle. The flight attendant served the older woman first, then Anthony, and then there was a long pause. When Chloe finally realized something was wrong and looked up, she saw the entire crew surrounding her. Grinning from ear to ear, they placed a handmade, aluminum foil basket in front of her. Inside was the small jewelry case, which she opened with a cry of surprise.

“Yes, I’ll marry you!” Chloe said, beaming as she hugged Anthony. The elderly woman, along with all the crew, cheered. And then suddenly the intercom crackled to life as the captain congratulated Anthony and Chloe and invited everybody on the flight to their wedding! The entire plane burst into spontaneous applause and laughter, and Chloe cried and laughed at the same time.

Whenever the story was told in years to come about how they got engaged in midair, Anthony would chuckle and say their relationship had been downhill ever since. As the years passed, however, their marriage grew stronger. In fact, it was equaled only by the success Anthony enjoyed in the oil industry.

During those years when his business flourished, he continued to go to great lengths to keep a spark of romance alive. He would arrange for babysitters and would “kidnap” his wife for special dates. Or he would take a teddy bear with an “I love you” note taped to it, wrap it in aluminum foil, and stick it way back in the freezer alongside the foil-wrapped leftovers and meats. Sometimes it took months, but sooner or later Chloe would dig back into the freezer, looking for something to defrost for a meal. And instead of finding a chicken or roast, she’d find a frozen teddy bear with her husband’s love note.

To many of their neighbors, they were a model couple that put Ken and Barbie to shame. But then, in a state where real-estate prices never dipped, the market crashed virtually overnight. Over the course of almost 25 years, Anthony had accumulated a fortune. But in less than 24 months, he saw the fruit of his labors slip away to creditors and foreclosures.

Things got so desperate at one point that Anthony had to do the unthinkable —something he never dreamed could happen. To make the monthly payment on their house, he had to sell Chloe’s diamond engagement ring for needed cash.

Anthony was finally forced out of the real-estate business altogether. They lost everything they had. For the first time since their wedding, he wasn’t the joker he had always been. With so much pressure and pain because of the loss of his business, his endearing acts of romance dwindled to a trickle.

When things looked the worst, however, Anthony landed a promising job in another industry. Slowly, the family’s outlook began turning around as his new company recognized and appreciated his business skills. But it wasn’t until nearly two years later, when Anthony and Chloe were out at dinner celebrating a new promotion at work, that she saw the Anthony of old again. What he did that night was so romantic and meaningful that she was soon flying higher than the 36,000 feet where their commitment began.

“Chloe,” Anthony said as they looked out the restaurant window at the twinkling city lights far below, “don’t you think the lights look like diamonds tonight?”

She nodded and smiled. “It’s good to be back.”

When he had been in real estate, they had frequented this same downtown, high-rise restaurant. They had even hosted an anniversary party here for his parents several years before, treating more than 80 people to a sumptuous meal. But that was years ago, and this was the first time they had been back since losing his business.

Chloe drank in the view from their perch high above the city. Indeed, the lights did dance below like glittering diamonds.

Just then the waiter arrived with their main course. He and his helpers had been just as attentive as in years gone by. She enjoyed watching their skills. They were always nearby to fill a glass or take away a dish, but never so close that they intruded on a conversation.

Chloe had ordered her favorite dish, and it was set before her just as she remembered it —covered by the bright, silver warming dome that the waiter would whisk away with a flourish. Only this time, when he lifted the cover to expose her meal, the only thing on her plate was a small, black jewelry box.

It took a moment for her mind to take in what was before her. After all, it had been almost 25 years since their engagement. Almost afraid to touch the box, she slowly reached out and carefully opened it. The engagement ring she had received years before was a beautiful, one-carat diamond. Now she was staring at a magnificent, two-carat stone, surrounded by a host of miniature diamonds.

Anthony took his wife’s hand in his own. “Chloe,” he said, his voice filled with emotion, “you are like this diamond —beautiful, exquisite, precious. There are many facets about you that I love —your warmth, your faithfulness, your kindness. In each situation we encounter together, one of your facets catches a ray of light and sends back a splash of color to me. Even during the hardest of times, you look for the light, the good, the encouraging thing to do or say, and you take that light and reflect it to me in beautiful rainbows. You are the most priceless treasure God ever gave to me.

“The happiest day of my life was when I gave you your first diamond. The darkest day was when I had to ask for it back. Every time you look at this new diamond, I want you to remember that it represents the way I feel about you. Happy anniversary, sweetheart —a little early.”

It was almost eight months until their next anniversary, so his present definitely came as a surprise. Once again, a roomful of strangers were told they had just been “engaged,” and they broke into spontaneous applause. But just when Chloe reached the height of her emotions, she was hurled back to earth by the reality of the price tag.

“Anthony,” she said shakily, as if waking from a dream, “I’m so touched. But . . . where did you get the money?”

“I knew you’d ask that,” he said with a wink. “I sold one of the kids.”

“Seriously, I want to know,” she said, a hint of fear creeping into her voice. Even though there were no longer wolves at the door, she knew they could ill afford to go into debt for a ring, especially one so beautiful.

“Well, I got the money from my dad.”

“You did what?”

Throughout their darkest financial times, Anthony had never turned to his father for help. His dad had been a successful businessman and would have given them everything he had. But Anthony preferred to find his own way through their problems, and so he had refused his dad’s help.

“You know the coin collection I get when Dad dies? Well, we had a long talk a few weeks ago, and since neither of us collects coins anymore, I cashed it in for the ring. Pretty good swap, don’t you think?”

Anthony’s father had been an avid collector and had a collection worth several thousand dollars. It was a personal treasure he planned to pass down to his son. In her mind’s eye, Chloe could see the two grown men acting like children, plotting to get her this ring. Anthony had come by his practical joking and romantic bent naturally —inherited straight from his father.

Knowing they had both given up something precious to buy the ring was almost too much for her to take. She kept staring at the diamond, knowing it stood for a love far beyond the price it would command in any jewelry store.

Anthony’s words penetrated straight to Chloe’s heart, because he used an object as well as a verbal picture to communicate his love for her. His words, together with the visual symbol of his love, created a lasting image in Chloe’s mind. Each time she watched the rainbow colors sparkle in her diamond, she heard Anthony’s affirming words, and they warmed her anew, creating confidence and strength in their marriage. The ring and Anthony’s words would always be a priceless reminder of how much he valued her, and of the special way he built romantic times and thoughts into their marriage.

Of course, most of us don’t have a coin collection to swap for a diamond that could spark a romantic evening. But there’s a priceless treasure we can give our spouses for only the cost of the air we breathe. It’s available merely by drawing an emotional word picture from one of the five search fields. For when it comes to generating romance in a relationship, men and women have seen their words turn to gold for centuries.

For example, consider King Solomon and his bride. Listen to the word pictures he used to capture her heart:

Your eyes are like doves behind your veil . . .

Your lips are like a scarlet thread . . .

Your temples . . . are like a slice of a pomegranate.[55]

She offered him a word picture with language of love all her own, saying of her fiancé:

As an apple tree among the trees of the forest,

so is my beloved among the young men.

With great delight I sat in his shadow,

and his fruit was sweet to my taste.[56]

Or listen to Romeo and Juliet, creations of William Shakespeare. Their words of love —again captured in word pictures —have been immortalized for generations. Romeo said:

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun.[57]

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.

O, that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek![58]

Or consider Juliet’s bittersweet picture of her love for Romeo —a love she felt would last beyond his death:

Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night

And pay no worship to the garish sun![59]

In one of the most romantic relationships of modern times, Elizabeth Barrett Browning and her husband, Robert Browning, sent word picture after word picture to each other. A perfect example of hers begins with the oft-quoted words, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”[60]

Instead of counting all the ways, we know what some of you may be thinking: Wait a minute! That’s poetry! Do you mean to say I’ve got to make my word picture rhyme to build romance into marriage? That’s going too far!

But before you panic, remember, poetry and fine arts come more from the heart than from the head. We’re not asking you to become a Shakespeare to build romance in your marriage.

However, the point is still valid. The greatest lovers of all time were those who used word pictures to win their mates.[61] So whether you use a word picture like Anthony’s —with straightforward, everyday speech —or a poem like Shakespeare’s, in either case you’re crafting lasting bonds of love.

Remember, if Solomon was wise enough to realize that a woman gains love and security through romantic words, so should we be. Security, meaningful communication, and emotional/romantic bonding —all three provide strong support for an intimate relationship, and all three are best accomplished with the language of love.

In addition to the three pillars we’ve looked at, there are two more. Both can help support a bridge of intimacy that can take a couple safely above the rough, dangerous waters of inconsistency and emotional distance.

The Fourth Pillar: Meaningful Touch —the Silent Language of Love

Study after study has reached the same conclusion: An essential part of an intimate marriage is found right at our fingertips. Among many others, UCLA researchers have concluded that meaningful touch is crucial to the formation and preservation of an intimate relationship. In fact, research has shown that a woman, in particular, needs 8 to 10 meaningful touches each day just to maintain physical and emotional health.[62]

Since many husbands don’t understand how important touching is to women, it’s safe to say that many wives’ needs are unmet. The result is that outside the bedroom, a woman must often look to her children, relatives, or supportive friends to make up for a lack of meaningful touch from her husband.

Many husbands don’t understand that by depriving a woman of nonsexual touching, they’re opening the door for another man to provide that missing fulfillment.[63] That door never needs to be left open. Men need to realize that more than 80 percent of a woman’s desire for meaningful touch is nonsexual.[64]

For example, holding hands while waiting in line, giving an unrequested back rub for a few moments, gently stroking her hair (in the right direction!), and hugging her tenderly are all ways to build intimacy in a relationship.

But how do you communicate that need with a husband (or wife) who sees all touch as an invitation to sex? That was Celia’s challenge, and she decided a word picture was the best way to bring physical touch out of the bedroom and into the rest of her marriage as well.

Celia’s husband, Denny, loved his wife very much. But the only time he would touch her was when he was ready for sex. Likewise, if she touched him —if she just tried to hold his hand or sit next to him on the couch —he was ready for sex.

Celia was glad he still found her desirable, and their intimacy itself was wonderful. She had friends who were never intimate with their husbands anymore, and she certainly didn’t want that. But she got to a point of avoiding even touching Denny, and she longed for a closeness that didn’t always involve a trip to the bedroom.

But how do you communicate that in a way that doesn’t shame or turn off your husband? For Celia, the answer was a word picture linked with Denny’s favorite pastime. She thought of it while listening, for what seemed like the one hundredth time, to Denny’s complaining about a baseball manager’s pulling a pitcher out of the game “too early.”

“Let him pitch!” he’d say to the television. And then he’d explain to Celia, yet again, why a pitcher (and yes, Denny had been a pitcher in college) needed to stay in the game and work through a difficult situation like walking a batter or giving up a hit or two.

“Managers today have no patience. They’re teaching their pitchers the wrong lesson by pulling them out so quickly!”

So Celia picked a time (during a game they were recording) and a word picture that linked to that interest. “Denny,” she said during the break between innings, “I’d like to talk to you about something kind of important to me. We’re recording the game, so we’re not going to miss anything. Can we talk?”

“Shoot,” her husband.

“I think I know this, but tell me again, why is it such a big deal when a baseball manager pulls a pitcher out of the game too quickly, without really giving him a chance to pitch?”

That was a green light for Denny to launch into Lecture #101 about why managing that way wasn’t good for a pitcher’s attitude, confidence, and long-term success.

She let Denny talk until he was finished. Then she said, “Honey, do you know you do something like that with me a lot of the time?”

That totally confused her husband.

“I want you to know,” she went on, “that I love making love to you. That’s a gift from God, and I love how you want to be with me.

“But wait a minute,” she said, seeing that look that said Denny was ready for sex. “Let’s stick with baseball for a minute. Do you know what I feel like? Whenever I brush against your arm or sit down next to you on the couch, or if I just want you to put your arm around me or hold my hand, I feel like, ‘Game’s over.’ We have to go make love.

“Denny, I need to stay in the game sometimes. I’m a woman. I need you to touch me outside the bedroom. What I mean is, I need you to just hold me sometimes when we watch the game. Or hold my hand when we’re at home or walking in the mall. It’s like I’m a pitcher, and after I throw just one pitch, I’m out of the game. I need you to hug or touch me sometimes when it doesn’t go right to the bedroom. To let me just sit with you. To be able to hug you without always having to have sex. If you would do that, it would be like letting me pitch the game.”

While her comparison didn’t make perfect baseball sense, it was still a hit with Denny. He actually revved down his engines and asked some questions. And when they turned the game back on, he sat there holding her hand while they talked! It made Celia so happy that when the game went into extra innings, she initiated a trip down the hallway and finding out the final score later.

Married couples need to discuss so many things, but it’s difficult when the subject is so sensitive. Celia had tried to communicate her frustration before, but this time Denny finally saw in that word picture how nonsexual touching was something she needed from him. And, thankfully, Denny was wise enough to start adding such touch and “letting her pitch,” blessing their marriage even more than before.

Consistent, gentle touching is one of the most powerful ways to increase feelings of security, prime the pump for meaningful communication, and set the stage for emotionally bonding and romantic times. But what does meaningful touch have to do with word pictures? A great deal. A gentle hug, for example, can be one of the most powerful nonverbal word pictures of love.

Communication studies show that nonverbal messages are actually more powerful than verbal ones.[65] Because of the incredible emotional weight of meaningful touching, the nonverbal picture of a hug left in a person’s mind can solidify a relationship —just as it did for a man who called us one day on a radio talk show and told his remarkable story.

We were on one of our favorite call-in programs in Southern California. With his sensitive style, the host asked us to explain a relationship principle and would then encourage listeners to call with their problems, questions, or comments.

We had just finished explaining the significance of meaningful touch when a man we’ll call Daniel phoned us.

“When I was 51 years old, I suffered a major heart attack,” he said. “I was rushed to the hospital, and because the attack was so severe, my wife called my father to come to my bedside.

“To my knowledge, my dad never told me he loved me. Nor did he ever say he was proud of me. He was always there and always supportive in his quiet way, but I still left home questioning whether he really loved and cared for me.

“But as I lay in that hospital bed, with the doctors telling me I might not make it, my 70-year-old father was flying across the country to be at my side. He arrived the day after my heart attack, and when he came into my room, he did something I’ll never, ever forget. He pulled up a chair next to my bed, sat down, and then took my hand in his. I couldn’t remember him ever hugging or kissing me, but as I lay there in intensive care, with tubes running everywhere, he stayed for several hours, much of that time just holding my hand.”

Up to that point, we thought we were hearing just another dramatic example of the powerful, symbolic picture that meaningful touch can leave behind. We weren’t expecting what he said next.

“It still hurts to a degree that my father never said he loved me. But by reaching out and holding my hand, he expressed what he could never put into words. And it was just what I needed to know, because two days after he flew out to be at my bedside, he died of a stroke.”

We adjusted our headphones to make sure we’d heard him correctly.

“I was the one expected to die, but I recovered, and my father died,” he said. “But when he came to my hospital room, he left me something for which I’ll always be thankful. When he held my hand, he shouted the words he could never speak —words of love that I saw in his eyes and felt through his hands.”

By definition, a word picture involves actual words.[66] But for this man, his father’s touch spoke volumes and left behind a dramatic image of love and acceptance. And that word picture healed years of insecurity and doubt.

In a marriage, you can also leave lasting pictures of love for your spouse. Your gentle acts of touch, no matter how small, can impart an indelible image of commitment and unconditional acceptance that supports an intimate marriage for a lifetime.

Security, meaningful communication, romantic/emotional experiences, and meaningful acts of touch —all four are pillars upon which a fulfilling marriage is built. And all four, when strengthened by word pictures, can help span the differences and disagreements that can wash away a couple’s marriage vows.

The Fifth Pillar: Spiritual Intimacy —Lessons from the Word

There is one final pillar upon which all the others depend —the pillar of spiritual intimacy. Without it, a couple can miss God’s power to transform hearts and lives. Listen to the beautiful word picture, intended as a musical chorus, found in the Bible, the most inspiring source of word pictures:

Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD,

who walk in his ways ! . . .

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine

within your house;

your children will be like olive shoots

around your table.[67]

What an incredible description of the rewards that await husbands and wives who are energized by faith in God! Such a life can free us from our selfishness to build the bridge of intimacy that will last forever.

Those who enjoy an intimate, secure, romantic marriage have learned about bridge building. And as we’ve mentioned, word pictures are a key tool in the process. They’re also crucial with our children. From experience with our own children and with families across the world, we’ve learned that word pictures aren’t an elective —they’re a requirement. To show what we mean, let’s turn our attention to how word pictures can aid moms and dads. Without a doubt, parents who master the language of love possess a key that can open their child’s heart.

We’ve watched with amazement the many times our children have responded to emotional word pictures of praise, discipline, and love. That’s why we discuss in the next chapter how to use them to balance two crucial parenting skills.