CHAPTER 4

Unlocking the Gateway to Intimacy

A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO, I (Gary) sat down to talk with an attractive woman who was in obvious pain. With tears streaming down her face, she sobbed, “I’ve tried to express what’s wrong in our marriage, but I just can’t seem to explain it. What’s the use in bringing it all up again?”

After only five years of marriage, this woman had nearly given up hope of experiencing a loving, healthy, and lasting relationship with her husband. Opposed to divorce, she had resigned herself to a life that offered few of the wishes and dreams for which she had once longed.

I had heard this kind of story before. For years, I had regularly counseled husbands and wives, spending countless hours talking to them about improving their relationships. Only now, I wasn’t sitting in my counseling office. I was seated at my kitchen table. And the woman sitting across from me wasn’t a counselee. In fact, like John in the opening chapter with Cindy, the person I was struggling to communicate with was my own wife, Norma!

The Wisdom in Bridging Differences

That day, I made a decision to understand what was happening, or not happening, in my marriage. And I also decided to find the answers to several important questions. Why was Norma so frustrated in her attempts to communicate with me? Why did I have such a difficult time sharing my feelings with her? And why was it such a struggle to understand each other —particularly when we discussed important issues?

It wasn’t until we understood some of the ways God has equipped men and women differently that we began maximizing our communication. The bridge that spanned these differences proved to be word pictures.

Have you ever tried to express an important thought or feeling with members of the opposite sex, only to have them act as if you’re speaking a foreign language? Have you ever asked, “Why can’t they feel what I’m saying?” Join the club.

Let us add at the outset of this chapter that we’re going to be generalizing a bit about male-female differences. While experience and research both affirm the reality of these differences, we also understand that each person is uniquely created by God, and that’s okay. Some men and women are the opposite of the traits we’re going to discuss. The point is that in relationships, even though we’re different, we can complement and learn from each other. If you’re married, the key is to understand how you and your spouse are wired and how you can communicate effectively in light of your differences.

“Shoooooppping”

Throughout history, many women have found it difficult (some say impossible) to communicate with men. And an equal number of men have given up trying to converse with women. I ran into this problem myself on a shopping trip when my wife and I were using the same words but speaking a different language.

After that tearful session with my wife, I decided to commit myself wholeheartedly to understanding and relating to her. But I didn’t know where to start.

Suddenly, I had an idea that I knew would get me nominated for Husband of the Year. I could do something adventurous with Norma —like going shopping! Of course! My wife loves to shop. Since I had never volunteered to go with her before, this would demonstrate how much I really cared. I could arrange for a babysitter and then take her to one of her favorite places in the world: the mall.

I’m not sure what emotional and physiological changes ignite inside my wife upon hearing the words the mall, but when I told her my idea, it was obvious something dramatic was happening. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, and she trembled with excitement —the same reaction I’d had when someone gave me two tickets to an NFL playoff game.

That next Saturday afternoon, when Norma and I went shopping together, I ran face-first into a major barrier that keeps many men and women from meaningful communication. What I discovered blew open the door to understanding and relating to Norma and steered me toward emotional word pictures for help. Here’s what happened:

As we drove up to the mall, Norma told me she needed to look for a new blouse. So, after we parked the car and walked into the nearest clothing store, she held up a blouse and asked, “What do you think?”

“Great,” I said. “Let’s get it.” But really, I was thinking, Great! If she hurries up and gets this blouse, we’ll be back home in plenty of time to watch the college football game on TV.

Then she picked up another blouse and said, “What do you think about this one?”

“It’s great too!” I said. “Get either one. No, get both!”

But after looking at a number of blouses on the rack, we walked out of the store empty-handed. Then we went into another store, and she did the same thing. And then into another store. And another. And another!

As we went in and out of all the shops, I became increasingly anxious. The thought even struck me, Not only will I miss the halftime highlights, but I’ll also miss the entire game!

After looking at what seemed like hundreds of blouses, I could tell I was beginning to lose it. At the rate we were going, I would miss the entire season!

And that’s when it happened.

Instead of picking up a blouse at the next store we entered, she held up a dress that was our daughter’s size. “What do you think about this for Kari?” she asked.

Taxed beyond any mortal’s limits, my willpower cracked and I blurted out, “What do you mean, ‘What do I think about a dress for Kari?’ We’re here shopping for blouses for you, not dresses for Kari!”

As if that weren’t bad enough, we left that store without buying anything, and then she asked if we could stop and have coffee! We’d already been at the mall for 67 entire minutes, which beat my previous endurance record by half an hour. I couldn’t believe it —she actually had the nerve to want to sit around and discuss the kids’ lives!

That night, I began to understand a common difference between men and women. I wasn’t shopping for blouses that afternoon . . . I was hunting for blouses! I wanted to conquer the blouse, bag it, and then get back home to important things, like my Saturday-afternoon football game!

My wife, however, looked at shopping from the opposite extreme. For her, it meant more than simply buying a blouse. It was a way to spend time talking together as we enjoyed several hours away from the children —and Saturday afternoon football.

I thought a trip to the mall meant going shopping. But to my wife it meant shoooooppping!

Over the next several days, I thought back to our mall experience and my commitment to become a better communicator.

With that in mind, let’s examine several important ways men and women usually vary in the communication arena. While there are always exceptions, we’ve witnessed many of these differences crop up around our house, and most likely you have too. They’re also the ones that physiologists have confirmed to be common between the sexes.

They Are Different, Aren’t They?

In our home, we have our own version of the “Battle of the Sexes.” On one side are Norma and our oldest child (and only daughter), Kari. The other consists of me and our two sons, Greg and Michael.

Norma and I would testify before a live, televised congressional hearing that we didn’t brainwash our children into adopting typical male and female roles and reactions. But from the time they first showed signs of life, they displayed the common differences between the sexes. It all began with how much more noise came from the boys and how many more words came from our daughter at the same age.

Researchers have found that from the earliest years, little girls talk more than little boys.[29] One study showed that even in the hospital nursery, girls had more lip movement than boys![30] That propensity keeps right on increasing through the years, giving them an edge in meaningful communication.

In our home, Norma noticed the same thing discovered by Harvard’s Preschool Program in its research of communication differences between the sexes.[31] After wiring a playground for sound, researchers studied all the noises coming from the mouths of several hundred preschool boys and girls.

The researchers found that 100 percent of the sounds coming from the girls’ mouths were audible, recognizable words. The girls each spent a great deal of time talking to other children —and nearly as much talking to themselves.

As for the little boys, only 68 percent of their sounds were understandable words. The remaining 32 percent were either one-syllable sounds like “uh” and “mmm,” or sound effects like “Varooom!” “Yaaaaah!” and “Zooooom!”

Norma was comforted to discover that the propensity males in our family had to yell and grunt was caused by genetics, not environment. And after 20-plus years of asking me questions and receiving monosyllabic answers like “uh” and “mmm,” she claims this inability to communicate in understandable sentences remains constant throughout the male lifespan.

Young men clearly have more difficulty communicating than young women. Special education teachers are aware of that, since 9 out of 10 speech pathology problems involve males.

But what about us adults? You’d think grown men would have caught up with their wives when it comes to communication skills. But think again!

Studies show something that Norma and I have observed for years in our relationship. When it comes to the number of words each of us uses, her total count is quite a bit higher than mine. It’s been found that the average man speaks roughly 12,500 words a day. In contrast, the average woman speaks more than 25,000.[32]

In our marriage, that meant that when I got home from work, I’d already used my 12,500-word daily quota, while Norma was just getting warmed up! I was being paid to talk all day. I didn’t want to come home and then talk all night. I wanted to park in front of the television set.

Not only did Norma leave me in the dust when it came to the number of words we spoke, but when we did talk, it seemed as if we were headed down two different roads. Let me illustrate what I mean.

For most men, facts are a major part of a conversation. For example, when Norma would meet me at the door, she’d often ask, “Can we talk tonight?”

My first response was always, “About what?”

Like Detective Joe Friday, most men want their wives to “Give me the facts, ma’am, just the facts.” Indeed, when the average male runs out of facts, he’ll stop talking.

For years, Norma longed to discover my deepest feelings, especially when we faced an important issue or decision. But time and again, when the conversation moved beyond the nuts-and-bolts facts of the matter, I’d clam up or change the subject.

Like most women, Norma was far more in touch with her emotions. I was good with giving her the bottom line, but the bottom of my feelings remained uncharted territory. The difference showed in our consistent failure to have meaningful conversations.

Two Languages in the Same Home

In many homes, the ways men and women communicate are so far apart that it’s as if they’re speaking two different languages —without an interpreter. What do we mean?

Over the years, we’ve interviewed several hundred couples and thousands of women all over the country. And we’ve found that most men speak what we call a “language of the head.”

Call it “fact talk” or “head talk,” it means the average man enjoys conquering five hundred highway miles a day on family vacations; favors mathematical formulas over Harlequin romances; remembers only the dictionary definition of love; and generally prefers clinical, black-and-white thinking. “Head talk” keeps most emotions bottled up, desiring instead to deal with facts like memorized batting averages and box scores.

On the other hand, most women speak what we call a “language of the heart.” They’re comfortable with both facts and feelings.

Call it “heart talk” or “feeling talk,” those who speak this language are better able to use their imagination, show a particular interest in deep relationships, and tend to notice and appreciate the amazing details around them. They tend to express the feelings of love, not just the definition, because the former is more relational.

“There’s a Stuckey’s Up Ahead”

Years ago, when our children were young, there was a place all along our interstate highways that was a lot like seeing a Starbucks sign on a long drive today. At its zenith, there were more than 350 Stuckey restaurants dotted across the country. That was good, because almost everyone drove on long vacation trips rather than flying.

On our road trips, the mental differences between men and women were always painfully apparent as soon as we got in the car.

I would have spent hours plotting the trip as if I were getting ready to drive the Indianapolis 500. I knew we had to be on the road each morning no later than eight o’clock and make exactly 487 miles a day. And based on the 12.3 miles per gallon we got in our gas-guzzling tank, I even calculated where we’d stop for gas. I was determined to let nothing stand in my way. I would compromise only when absolutely necessary.

The first sign my goals were in jeopardy came when I felt Kari kicking the back of my seat.

“Cut that out,” I’d say, my eyes glued to the bumper of a car I was trying to pass. I’d already passed about 50 vehicles that day.

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

“You’ll have to wait,” I replied, glancing first at the diminishing car in my rearview mirror, then at the odometer, then the dashboard clock, then the map. “We can stop in the next town.”

“But, Daddy!”

“Just another 25 miles.”

Five minutes later, the boys alleged they were starving to death.

“I’m so hungry my stomach hurts,” Mike, our youngest, would moan. “Oooohhhh! Oooowwww! Daddy, my stomach!”

“Mommy, it’s past lunchtime and Daddy won’t stop!” Greg pitched in, seeking a higher authority.

“I can’t wait any longer!” Kari shouted, kicking my seat again.

“Quit kicking the seat,” I replied. “Seventeen more miles.”

Norma, looking at me as if I were a prison warden, pointed out a billboard as we sped down the interstate. And then ever so quietly and with a hint of a smile, she said, “There’s a Stuckey’s up ahead.”

In our family, mentioning the word Stuckey’s was the same as shouting “Oasis ahead!” to people dying of thirst. My choice was made for me: I had to pull over at the next exit. My only consolation was that Stuckey’s was a “three star stop.” That is, I could accomplish three tasks at once: pit stop, gas stop, and food stop.

Practically before the car came to a halt, I jumped out to pump gas. Quickly, I shooed the kids toward the restroom and Norma toward the lunch counter.

“Please hurry!” I shouted, cringing as a line of cars whizzed by —cars I had passed just minutes before. “We’ve got to get back on the road and catch those cars!”

Differences, differences, differences! Why does it seem God has given women such an advantage in personal communication and intimate relationships?

While some men look at a woman’s communication as a mystery they can’t solve, it’s actually one reason women are so valuable to us. In Genesis 2:18, we’re told the woman was designed as a “helper” to complete the man. That word helper, in the language of the Old Testament, carries with it the idea of doing something for someone that he lacks the skill to do.

One kind of help the average woman brings to a man is the ability to share deep, meaningful communication.

Most men have the factual, logical “language of the head” down pat. They can come up with a lecture on the spot —but they’re often put on the spot when they need to communicate words of warmth, love, or encouragement.

If men are to be truly effective in their relationships both at home and at work, they need to develop the ability to speak the “language of the heart.” And right there under the same roof are women who can help them learn those skills.

Wise husbands and wives will learn to speak each other’s language, and they’ll also teach their children to do so to help them enter marriage someday as effective communicators. Most boys do need training, as evidenced by the “backseat syndrome” that strikes the Smalley boys every vacation.

While on the road, listening to our daughter talk nonstop for an hour, Norma or I would always say, “Okay, Kari, it’s time to let the boys speak. Boys, it’s your turn to talk.”

After Kari quieted down, we were greeted by . . . silence. So, Kari would start talking again.

Like the boys, I’m still playing catch-up to Norma and Kari in the quantity of words spoken. And there remain some “mysteries” when it comes to Norma and me understanding each other. But just because the females in our family have a natural communication advantage doesn’t lead to frustration for us males anymore. If anything, we’re taking lessons from them.

For men and women to communicate effectively, it takes both knowledge and skills. So far, we have focused on the former —developing knowledge about the importance of communication and how innate male and female thinking patterns can short-circuit understanding. But what about the skills?

There’s a way for a man to boost his communication skills instantly and for a woman to multiply hers. By using the power of emotional word pictures, a man can move beyond facts and begin to achieve total communication —feelings and facts —with a woman. This same skill not only will help a woman get a man to feel her words as well as hear them, but it will also maximize her God-given relational abilities.

Years ago, Norma proved this point to me. She illustrated a concern in such a way that her words immediately moved from my head to my heart.

Add Feelings to Facts

When I was working on my parenting book The Key to Your Child’s Heart, I asked Norma if she would write one of the chapters. It was for a section that highlighted one of her strengths, so I thought the project would be an easy and pleasurable experience for her. I thought wrong.

As the days passed and time drew near for the chapter to be completed, Norma hadn’t even started. Several times she tried to discuss how much of a burden the project was, but I always steered the conversation back to the facts.

I decided it was time to motivate her. I told her that writing a book was absolutely no big deal. She wrote excellent letters, I pointed out. She ought to think of the chapter as just one long letter to thousands of people she’d never meet. What’s more, I assured her that as a seasoned publishing veteran, I would personally critique each and every page and catch her slightest error. I said to myself, Is that motivation or what?

Her emotional, softhearted appeals to duck the assignment made little impact on me, because I was armed with the facts. But my logical, hardheaded reasoning didn’t impress her much. We traded words as if we were swapping Monopoly money. Frankly, we should have saved our breath. We were at loggerheads until my wife, in desperation, gave me the following word picture.

“I know you don’t realize it, Gary, but you’re wearing me out emotionally and physically,” she said.

“Who, me?”

“Come on, let’s be serious for a minute. For the past several days you’ve been draining all my energy. I know you’ll be upset by my bringing this up, but —”

“Me? Get upset?” I said, trying to keep things light. “If I’m draining your energy, tell me about it. It’s no problem.”

“Do you see those hills in the distance?” she asked, pointing out the window. “Every day I feel like I must climb them, wearing a 20-pound backpack. Between getting the kids fed, dressed, to school, and to their athletic practices —and still managing our business office —I barely have enough energy to take another step.

“Now, don’t get me wrong,” she continued. “I work out to stay in shape, and I love walking those hills daily. But you’re doing something that’s like asking me to climb to the top of Piestewa Peak every day —in addition to climbing those hills.”

“I am?” I said, pondering her words. Several months earlier I had climbed Piestewa Peak, a beautiful mountain near our home at the time, and I knew firsthand how demanding its incline was. My mind shifted into the hyper-search mode to determine where Norma was headed with the story. “Okay, I’m stumped,” I finally said. “What in the world am I doing to force Piestewa Peak on you?”

“You added Piestewa Peak to my day when you asked me to write that chapter for the book. For you, carrying around a 20-pound pack is nothing. But to me, the weight of my current responsibilities takes all my energy. Honey, I just can’t add another pound, climb the hills, and take on Piestewa Peak as well.”

Suddenly, everything she had been saying before was clear. To me, writing a chapter wouldn’t have added an extra ounce to my pack or caused the slightest additional incline to the hills I climb daily. But for the first time I could feel the strain I’d unknowingly put on her.

“If that’s what writing this chapter is like, then I wouldn’t want you to do it,” I said without a moment’s hesitation. “I appreciate what you’re already doing and don’t want to weigh you down any more. You’re far too valuable for that.”

After the conversation, it was as if a cloud lifted from our relationship. But I didn’t know what to make of things the next morning when I came down the hall for breakfast. Norma was sitting at her kitchen desk, furiously writing away.

“What are you doing?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“Writing my chapter.”

“You’re doing what? I thought you said it was like climbing Piestewa Peak!”

“It was,” she said. “When I knew I had to write it, I felt tremendous pressure. But now that I don’t have to, I feel like writing!”

Bridging the Communication Gap

Who said word pictures will help you understand all the differences between men and women? But they do help us bridge the natural communication gap —and better understand what another person is saying. Let’s go back to what happened when my wife first expressed her concerns about writing a chapter. I focused on the facts —the actual words being said —to the exclusion of the emotions she was sharing. I failed to read between the lines. This isn’t a fault peculiar to me. Something similar happened to a couple we know, and scenes like it probably take place in nearly every home.

It had been a particularly trying day for Diane, and everything that could go wrong around the house did go wrong. The moment her husband walked in the door that night, she nailed him. “Ken, you never help around the house,” she complained. “I always have to take out the trash and do everything else. You never lift a finger to make my life any easier!”

After having his hair parted by her emotional words, Ken replied with a matter-of-fact voice. “Now, Diane. Are you sure I never help you? And do you always take out the trash? I took the garbage out just yesterday, and two days ago I mowed the lawn. And what about earlier this week when . . .”

What Ken didn’t understand (and what can breed tremendous frustration between a husband and wife) is that Diane wasn’t really talking about whether he took out the garbage. Rather, she was expressing her feelings about how she needed his support around the house. But like most males, Ken heard only his wife’s literal words. The non-literal, softhearted feelings behind her words zoomed right by him.

In addition to a woman’s verbal skills, she has a built-in sensitivity that acts like a radar detector. It picks up the tone of voice used in a conversation, as well as the emotional or pictorial messages that are seen or spoken. If Diane had used a word picture to convey her message, she could have helped Ken feel what she was actually saying.

Remember, change occurs with adults when they experience an emotional event. When Norma first discussed not writing the chapter, her words only registered as black-and-white facts to me. Consequently, they had little effect. But when she used a word picture, it was as if she began talking in color instead. I immediately saw the shades of her feelings, and as a result, both my attitude and actions changed.

If a woman truly expects to have meaningful communication with her husband, she must reach his heart, not just his head. And if a man truly wants to communicate with his wife, he must enter her world of emotions. In both these regards, word pictures can serve as a tremendous aid. They won’t eliminate all the differences between men and women, but they can enable us to unlock the gateway to intimacy.

Where Do You Go from Here?

If you haven’t won any creative awards lately, you may be wondering how to paint effective word pictures. Where do you find them? When is the best time to use them in your most important relationships? In the coming pages, we’ll answer these questions and give you more and more examples, starting with the next chapter:

And remember:

Word pictures are the most powerful method of communication we know —to help you communicate well with others. To really understand God’s love for you (see chapter 19). And we’ll talk as well about people who refuse to listen and aren’t able to love back. There are people who remain resistant to any attempt at meaningful communication. We’ll also see how these same people often harness the power of word pictures to hurt and control.

But thankfully, most people don’t fall into this hard-to-reach category. Most, in fact, are open to change and intimacy, particularly when they’re approached in a way that reaches straight to the heart. Beginning in the next chapter, you’ll start learning how to communicate with such power. And our prayer is that your relationships will never be the same.