CHAPTER 6
Communicating an Effective Emotional Word Picture
IF YOU’RE LIKE most people, you’re probably postponing a conversation or two because you’re not sure how best to express your feelings. Perhaps you’re headed into your boss’s office to fight once more for a raise, or you need to talk to your teenager about her dress code (or lack of one). Maybe you’ve got to explain to your wife, for the third time, that you need to switch vacation dates, or to discuss with your husband, for the third time, the family chaos that comes with making that switch.
If you have a needed conversation in mind, and your communication purpose and goal, then you’re ready to take the second crucial step.
2. Carefully Study the Other Person’s Interests.
The word picture Nathan the prophet used in exposing and redirecting King David’s life showed an intimate understanding of his background and interests. That is, Nathan chose a story that tapped into David’s experience as a shepherd and a defender of his people. By doing so, Nathan took a shortcut to the king’s heart.
The same is true of Alyssa’s word picture that helped bring her father back home. All her life, she’d watched him take immaculate care of his company car to impress new clients. By tapping into his lifelong love affair with automobiles, she effectively parked her story of a wrecked car right on the doorstep of his heart.
It may take some detective work to discover your listener’s interests, but even the most hard-core television addicts, couch potatoes, or lounge lizards give you clues about their lives. Your listener may be a person whose problem behavior can be short-circuited by linking your word picture with his or her favorite television program.
Research another person’s past, and don’t neglect the present. Discover what he enjoyed as a child; what she hates as an adult; the sports, hobbies, food, or music he prefers; the car she drives and how she keeps it; what he does for recreation; and what motivates her to work overtime.
Learn enough about the person’s world to understand what makes his good days good and bad days terrible. If he works at home, what are his needs and frustrations? If she works in an office, what does she do during lunch breaks?
Again, your search for clues may take minor investigative work and draw you into areas you know nothing about. But don’t quit until you’ve uncovered an interest that can support a word picture.
For me (Gary), the search for the key to my younger son’s heart took me to a swinging place.
BREAKING OLD HABITS
When Michael was 13, I felt I needed to talk with him about his eating habits. Frankly, he was eating so much junk food that I thought he’d be targeted as a cleanup site by the Environmental Protection Agency. With the goal of communicating that concern to him, I began hunting for one of his current interests. Since we’d just bought him a new set of golf clubs, I had a major clue to what that might be.
We lived in Phoenix at the time, and the Arizona Golf Course Directory listed 108 courses in the metropolitan area. The weather permits you to play at least 360 days a year, and it’s close to being golf heaven. Yet like the person who lives next to the ocean but never goes in the water, I rarely got my golf balls wet in the lakes of the local courses. But that all changed when I saw Michael’s new clubs and realized what a major inroad they were into his heart.
When I suggested that we go golfing, Mike jumped at the idea. He was more than thrilled to thrash me on the links, and he even tried to convince me to double his allowance if he beat me by 10 strokes.
Once on the course, I noticed Mike was continually slicing the ball. While he worked to improve his handicap, I was replacing the huge divots I plowed with each swing. We’d each played better, but we still had a great father-son time and finished the front nine holes in a tie.
As we waited on the back nine for round two, I again rehearsed the word picture that I felt sure would capture my son’s attention. As we sat watching a foursome ahead of us tee off, I turned to Michael.
“Hey, big guy,” I said, “have you ever heard of Jack Nicklaus?”
“Of course, Dad. Everyone who’s picked up a club knows about the Golden Bear.”
“Well, if he were playing with us today,” I said, “would you listen if he explained how you could get rid of your slice?”
“You bet I would!”
“Well, Michael, I’m not Jack Nicklaus, but you know I love you and want the best for you, don’t you?”
“Sure, Dad. But what does that have to do with my golf swing?”
As I looked at him, I could see his mind racing back and forth, trying to guess what I was getting at. “Did you know that in one area of your life I see you doing something that’s like slicing every shot into the woods? It’s such a problem, it could actually slow you down in life, cause you to have an earlier death, and even keep you off the golf course for good.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, a puzzled look clouding his face. “What am I doing that’s so bad?”
“Michael, every day I watch you ignoring the advice of experts in the field of medicine. These men and women are as good at what they do as Jack Nicklaus is at golfing. Yet every time I talk to you about your eating habits, I feel resistance, not a receptive attitude.”
I picked up his driver and held it in my hand. “Eating so much junk food is like gripping your club the wrong way and refusing to change your swing. It’s like having Jack Nicklaus standing next to you, showing you how to change your swing, but still refusing to take his advice.
“Mike, if Jack Nicklaus were here today, he’d point out things that would help you be the best. I mention this because I want you to enjoy the healthiest life you possibly can.”
I could see in his face that my word picture hit home —all because I’d tapped into one of his major interests. Plus, our conversation provided a springboard for further discussion about how his junk-food diet was slicing away his shot at a healthy life.
My purpose in taking Michael golfing was not to manipulate him. Rather, I became a student of his interests out of love. I wanted the best for Michael —not me. Before, my words of warning had been received, at best, as a lecture. But as we sat on the golf course that Saturday, Michael clearly saw and felt the concern behind my words. While I can’t say he instantly corrected his eating habits, his attitude about discussing them did change immediately. And in the months ahead, I found fewer and fewer hamburger cartons and Snickers wrappers littering his room.
We know there are limits on how much you can research another person’s interests. It may be impractical for you to take up needlepoint or professional wrestling, and you may have no inclination to study nuclear physics. But if you look long and hard enough, you’ll discover the interests that enable you to enter the world of the person you’re trying to reach . . . and move on to the next step.
3. Draw from Five Inexhaustible Search Fields.
Many people experience a common initial reaction when considering the use of word pictures: “Wait a minute, I’m not creative! It would take a miracle for me to come up with a story that works.” Actually, however, you don’t have to worry about how creative you are. Believe it or not, you’ve been hearing and using word pictures for years.
Every time you sing the national anthem, you’re singing a word picture. Before every ball game and school function, Francis Scott Key paints vivid patriotic pictures with lyrics such as “the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air . . .” And if you’ve ever listened to a country music station —accidentally or on purpose —you’ve heard nonstop word pictures, including “I don’t mind the thorns, if you’re the rose,” “She done stomped on my heart and mashed that sucker flat,” and “Don’t it make your brown eyes blue?”
Interestingly, the root meanings of many everyday words can be traced to word pictures. For example, the Hebrew word for anger originally meant “red nostrils.”[38] That’s because when someone gets mad, blood rushes to his face and his nostrils flare. Likewise, the original Hebrew meaning of our word fear is derived from the word for “kidneys.”[39] If someone has ever jumped out at you in the dark, you know why this part of our anatomy was used as a word picture!
In addition to the above, you’ve probably been using dozens of “mini word pictures” for years without realizing it. For example, have you ever heard or said: “Be careful —he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing,” “She’s just pulling your leg,” “He’s a sight for sore eyes,” “I lead a dog’s life,” “We’re stuck in a rut,” “He proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt,” “They’re just keeping up with the Joneses,” “He’s always selling people short,” “It looks like a long shot,” “They’re like peas from the same pod,” “It’s just not going to pan out,” “She’d stand up to him if she had any backbone,” “He was as red as a beet,” “She was as white as a sheet,” or “That was a close shave”?
Or have you ever said: “Their baby is cute as a button,” “He doesn’t seem to have both oars in the water,” “She’s as skinny as a beanpole,” “He’s a chip off the old block,” “They’re taking us on a wild goose chase,” “Her lights are on, but no one’s home,” “She’s got a chip on her shoulder,” “My supervisor has a yellow streak a mile wide,” “It was mashed flatter than a pancake,” “He’s nice, but the elevator doesn’t reach the top floor,” or “It’s time to quit with all these examples and get the ball rolling”?
Do you get the picture —that creating word pictures might not be as difficult as you think? It’s not hard to find a meaningful one to use —if you know where to look. As you read through the next five chapters, you’ll discover five “search phrases” to type into your mental bank of memories and lifelong observations that will pop up literally thousands of word pictures.
One search field will fly you past nature and its wonders. Another is packed with everyday objects —and there are dozens in whatever room you’re in, or even on a plane, if you’re traveling —or wherever you are as you’re reading this book. A third search field contains imaginary stories —and if you’re like 99.8 percent of us, you’ve watched so much fiction on television and at the movies that you can find and create nearly countless scenarios that can be just what you need. A fourth search field points only toward the past. But unless you’re a three-year-old child prodigy reading this book, you have years and decades of experiences and remembrances, as well as shared experiences with others like the one you’re looking to describe, to choose from. Finally, the fifth search field focuses on what it is that you like. Or that the other person really likes. Some of the best word pictures line up with an area of interest that someone is actively, often emotionally, invested in.
Alyssa chose her word picture from the Well of Everyday Objects. In her case, her father’s interest in automobiles led her right to this well. Nathan, the royal adviser, drew from the Well of Imaginary Stories, creating a story that took David back to his days of protecting and standing up with his very life for his sheep. No wonder Nathan got David’s blood boiling when he told him the story of a terribly treated little lamb!
Chapters 7 through 11 will thoroughly explain each of these wells. But with the introduction we’ve had to them, you’re ready for the fourth step —an important stage that, if ignored, can prevent your communication efforts from reaching their full height of effectiveness.
4. The More Important the Conversation, the More You Should Rehearse Your Story.
Over the years, we’ve learned that practice does help in many settings and with many people. Rehearsing your story can pay big dividends. Failing to do so can rob your word picture of its potential power.
We didn’t know until long after Alyssa sent her letter, but she wrote, tore up, and rewrote her father’s word picture more than a dozen times before sending her letter. With each revision, she picked out some new aspect of a car wreck that illustrated the hurt and pain her family felt.
Some of the best stories were written, rewritten, and rewritten. Think The Cat in the Hat, by Theodor Geisel. (Maybe you know him a little better as Dr. Seuss.) In fact, he said he rewrote his story more than 300 times. No wonder it’s a classic!
We’re not suggesting you must write down all your word pictures in advance, much less rewrite them 300 times! We seldom take the time in counseling and coaching to write down a word picture. We know in many situations, it’s not practical or even possible to rewrite something. But time and again, we’ve seen tremendous benefits to thoroughly researching and carefully thinking through a story. And if you can, even roughing it out before you share it.
As former athletes, we also recommend you realize the importance of having a coach —or some “fans” —to help with your word picture. Again, if you’re just tossing the ball around, you don’t need any help —or people in the stands. But if word pictures are new to you, or again, if it’s a very important issue, then there’s nothing wrong with getting some coaching. If a friend is a good communicator or creative, ask if he’ll listen to your word picture. Yes, that can be scary. But remember, you’ve picked a friend, someone who cares about you, to share with. He’s not going to say, “That’s a stupid word picture!” He’s going to encourage you and perhaps make some really good suggestions if you get stuck. That is, if he’s a real friend! If he does say your word picture is stupid, clean your glasses, because you’re not looking at a real friend.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with getting a friend or mentor to be your cheering section as you prepare to share a word picture with someone else. In some cases, you can ask someone to just listen to what you’re going to share. That can boost your confidence and provide additional insights that you’ll find tremendously helpful when the big moment arrives. You can also ask a trusted friend to be praying for you as you head into an important conversation.
Keep in mind that you have www.encouragingwords.com to go to as well. We can’t answer every “Help me with a word picture!” email request. But every week, we pull out (with permission) an email someone sent in and post a sample word picture. You’ll have lots of examples to choose from that can inspire —or that you can closely follow if it hits your nail on the head.
As we trace back over the path to creating a word picture, we’ve taken four important steps. We’ve chosen a clear purpose for communicating; focused on an area of the other person’s interest; drawn an object or story from one of five search fields to get the best one; and carefully practiced what we want to say —including getting a coach or cheerleader or prayer partner if that helps. Now it’s time to consider the fifth step: the issue of timing.
5. Pick a Convenient Time Without Distractions.
We once spoke at a two-day marriage-enrichment conference. The first night, we briefly discussed emotional word pictures. The next morning, just before the opening session when we were to talk in detail about the concept, a woman stormed up to tell us our “wild idea” didn’t work.
“I went home and tried your dumb word-picture method with my husband last night, and I can tell you for a fact it doesn’t work,” she charged, beginning to pick up steam. “You ought to make a public statement this morning, telling everybody to forget about using it. In fact, give me that microphone. I’ll make the announcement myself!”
Luckily, the microphone wasn’t on yet, and we were able to calm her down enough to discover what went wrong. As we listened to her story, we realized she didn’t understand any of the steps to creating word pictures —particularly step five, choosing the right time and setting. She had merely gotten excited about the concept, loaded both barrels of her verbal gun, and blasted away at her husband the second she walked in the house.
This woman certainly had legitimate concerns about her marriage. She was distraught that her husband had decided, at the last moment, to stay home and watch a football game instead of attending the marriage seminar. When push came to shove, he cared more about who won the game than the respect he’d lose in her eyes. So, when she caught the scent of how word pictures could improve a marriage, she took off like a hungry park bear and smashed down every door in trying them on her husband.
“Why don’t you tell us exactly what happened,” we said.
“Well, my husband was watching another of his dumb football games when I got home last night,” she began. “It was even a game he’d recorded from the week before! I was so mad I thought up a word picture on the spot.
“‘Edward,’ I said, turning off the television and standing in front of it, ‘do you know what you make me feel like when you’re watching your dumb games? Do you?’
“I told him, ‘I feel like a crumb on the kitchen table that is lying there from dinner. As if that’s not bad enough, you come by on your way to watch TV and brush me off onto the floor. And if that’s still not bad enough, the dog comes along and licks me right up! Now, what do you think of that?’”
“What happened next?” we asked.
“He just looked at me as if I were drunk. Finally, he shook his head and said, ‘What do I think of that? I think that’s a dumb way to feel, that’s what I think! Now, turn that television set back on, and get out of my way!’ And with that, he went right back to watching his game!”
The woman had created a word picture with great expectations. We suspect that at the very least, she thought her husband would instantly fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness for ignoring her in the past, and then smash his television set into a thousand pieces with the remote.
Yet that didn’t happen. They moved even further apart. Why? She had nailed down the first step in creating a word picture: clarifying her purpose. That is, she wanted to hammer her husband with words and nail him right where he sat! She was in such a hurry that she couldn’t even wait until halftime. In effect, she’d tossed the turkey into the oven without reading the instructions. Consequently, her results went up in smoke.
She erred in large part because her timing was wrong. She conveyed her message at the worst possible moment, and she hadn’t taken the time to tap into his interests or draw from the well that best pictured them. Yes, she mentioned football. But she likened herself to a crumb —not a quarterback or something he had interest in. After all, his primary interest was obvious. It was 21 inches diagonally, and his face was glued to it. This man was a TVaholic and a football fanatic. A world of sports word pictures could have tackled him and thrown his insensitive actions for a loss. It’s no wonder her words never reached his heart. He couldn’t relate to a crumb falling off the table.
Another mistake was that she took absolutely no time to practice her word picture. Granted, it can sometimes be as hard to hold back our words as it is to stop an onrushing lineman. Nevertheless, she needed practice to get her words in shape and a friend to encourage or coach her. That would have involved more effort, of course, but it would have been better than having her words slammed back in her face.
By neglecting to practice and plan an effective game strategy, and by not sharing with someone or asking for help, she lost her offensive weapon and was knocked from contention before being able to score.
With all the athletic imagery we’ve used, it’s obvious the woman could have chosen a sports-related word picture. In the off chance that she may have known nothing about football, she could have sought out a coach and learned enough about the game to meet her husband on familiar turf. But there’s more to effective communication than selecting the right field of interest and then practicing. Picking the right time and place to convey a word picture is also crucial to its effective use.
Again, take Alyssa as an example. There was never a good time for her to talk with her father. He slammed the door to serious conversation on his few visits and turned off his phone every night. So she delivered her message in the mail. Alyssa knew he reserved an unhurried time to go through his letters. And choosing the right moment and setting to present her word picture paid off —as it did for Nathan, who waited until the opportune moment to confront King David.[40] If Alyssa, at 12 years old, could think through a word picture —so can you!
If your story is to be most effective, it’s almost always helpful to share it at a well-thought-out time and place. Yes, there are times when perhaps the Lord or your creative genius will have you blurting out a word picture on the spot that’s “spot on.” And yes, as well, the more you use word pictures, the more they will become almost second nature and not take as much thought or planning. But we’ll say it one more time: The more significant the thing is that you need to share, the more you need to walk through each of these previous five steps.
6. Try and Try Again.
In the case of both Alyssa and Nathan the prophet, the first word picture they used won their desired result. However, in some cases it may take more than one before the other person genuinely hears our thoughts and feelings. The better we become at steps two and three (becoming a student of someone’s interests and choosing from one of the five search fields), the more our first word pictures will hit their marks.
So, if your “perfect” word picture doesn’t work, don’t panic. Just reload and try again.
We’ve seen persistence pay off: for a woman who landed a job with a company that had turned her down twice before; for another woman who gained an extra five days of vacation time after repeated requests; for the parents who finally convinced a teenager to spend more time with his younger brother; and for a teacher who eventually helped a shy grade-schooler begin reaching out to her classmates.
We live in an instant society, where we expect same-day Amazon delivery and all prime-time shows to conclude with a happy ending in 25 minutes while we fast forward through 10 commercials. But real life doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes you can’t get another person to understand what you’re saying on the first try, or you’re still at loggerheads despite your initial hard work to craft the right picture. But don’t give up! In the real world, a key to communication is being lovingly persistent.
Granted, it’s frustrating not to get instantaneous results when we use a word picture. But some people could be pummeled by a hundred of the most powerful word pictures and not feel a single blow. In fact, we’ve devoted a later chapter to that small group of people who seem totally unaffected by them.[41] But please don’t race ahead and label your “resistant” person as being in this camp without giving persistence every chance to pay off.
We must stress that over the years we’ve seen very few people who are so emotionally, mentally, and spiritually callous that they cannot be reached by word pictures. We’ve even seen “impossible cases” —where a husband or wife has insisted his or her spouse was beyond hope —be changed dramatically through the language of love.
So, don’t be discouraged if you run into an occasional “What a dumb way to feel!” In almost every case, your loving patience will enable you to reach new heights of communication with your spouse, friend, associate, or relative. While up there, put the seventh and final step into practice.
7. Milk Your Word Picture for All It’s Worth.
We mentioned earlier that we’d talk about “milking” word pictures. What in the world do we mean? Try thinking of it in these terms: Once you’ve gotten one light turned on with your word picture, flip on every switch in the house! For example, we once worked with a woman who was extremely frustrated about her personal life. After working for years in a career she loved, she married and had children relatively late in life. She had a strong marriage and deeply loved her twin baby daughters. But sometimes she battled with her emotions over her decision to resign her job to be home with her girls.
“I know I shouldn’t feel this way,” she said. “Still, I sometimes feel like a bird in a cage. I really love it inside, and I know how important it is for my baby birds to have a secure place in which to grow. But at times I feel like breaking open the cage and flying out!”
Her word picture conveyed a great deal of insight about her frustrations, and we could have let it stand on its own. But suspecting there was more to the story, we asked a series of follow-up questions that milked her word picture for additional meaning: “If you flew out of the cage, where would you go?” we asked. “How long would you be gone? Is your husband in the cage with you, or do you see him flying free somewhere else?”
When we asked this last question, it was as if we had opened the floodgate to some emotional dam she had been building inside. Suddenly, months of frustration spilled out.
In a rush of words, she explained that her husband was an only child whose sole premarriage experience with youngsters was watching other people’s children from a distance. Though he had been eager to start a family, deep down he felt insecure as a parent. As a result, he unconsciously avoided being at home. The more time he spent at work, the less he was able to provide physical and emotional support for his wife and twins. And within only a few months, his lack of care had begun taking its toll on their relationship.
Had we not taken the time to milk her word picture, we might have let her go with a few encouraging words, such as “Thanks for being so honest with your feelings. Probably every young mother occasionally feels as if she’s in a cage, particularly when her twin daughters have just had their shots and are teething as well.”
This is what Dr. Tony Wheeler, who works with me at StrongFamilies.com, pictures as exploring another person. What a great metaphor! Who doesn’t like exploring Disneyland for the first time, trying to find all the hidden Mickeys, or seeing all the things that have changed since the last time we were there? To explore people is to go on a hunt to really see them. Really understand what they’re saying. Who they are. What they’re thinking. What they need.
By milking her story, it helped us (and her) clarify her concerns, better understand her husband’s fears, and identify a problem that could have led to a major breakdown. She later told us that one of the first things her husband did after hearing her expanded word picture was to ask, “Honey, what could I do to open the cage and help you get out and exercise your wings?”
By bringing more issues and feelings to the surface, you, too, will discover new depth in your relationships and additional benefits in your conversations. It’s possible if you milk your word pictures for all they’re worth.
At this point, we have examined all seven steps to creating and using word pictures:
- Establish a clear purpose.
- Carefully study the other person’s interests.
- Draw from five inexhaustible search fields.
- Rehearse your story.
- Pick a convenient time without distractions.
- Try and try again.
- Milk your word picture for all it’s worth.
These past two chapters have been a list of suggestions from people who have created hundreds of word pictures and shared them in many different settings. But it doesn’t have to be a step-by-step, you-have-to-do-it-this-way-or-you’re-a-failure proposition. It’s not a checklist that has to keep you up at night.
While we encourage you to follow this advice, remember that by the time you finish this book, you’ll have read more than 100 word-picture examples.
So far, we’ve looked at how word pictures can deeply affect a life and even change someone’s direction and heart. You also now know how to create a word picture and share it effectively. But where do you come up with a word picture that will really work? Get ready to find more word pictures than you ever imagined, in five key search fields that you can revisit any time you need them.