FOREWORD

Word Pictures for a New Generation

Greg Smalley, Ph.D., and Kari Trent Stageberg, MBA

IT’S A DISTINCT HONOR for us to write the foreword for this new edition of The Language of Love. This book was a unique collaboration between our dads, Gary Smalley and John Trent, and it has proved to be one of their most enduring works.

For both of our fathers, the ideas in The Language of Love were never just theories. They are life principles that were and are being lived out every day. This is true not only in their ministries, but also, most importantly, in their homes. As we thought and prayed about this foreword, we kept coming back to key moments in our lives when our dads used word pictures to change everything.

Although I, Greg, am sad my dad isn’t here to see The Language of Love take on new life, I think he always knew its message would remain relevant long after he was gone. In fact, he’s probably smiling in heaven right now. I heard him talk about and use word pictures from the time I was small. He was a master at using this technique to communicate and solve problems long before it became a part of his professional identity.

As you’ll see in this book, the goal of using word pictures is to get both the brain and the heart involved. It’s one of the most effective ways I’ve ever encountered of helping another person truly understand what I’m trying to say, not just at a cognitive level, but also at an emotional one.

I won’t recount it here because the story is told later, but I remember a particular time when Dad used the imagery of college basketball —a sport for which we shared a strong passion —to help smooth over a rough spot in our father-son relationship. I was only a teenager at the time, and his sport-themed word picture helped me understand the source of our conflict at a much deeper level. It completely changed my way of thinking and helped pave the way to a resolution based on mutual love, respect, and understanding. In fact, the insights I gained from that one conversation have benefited me numerous times over the years as a husband and father.

Time and again, as a young, upcoming professional, I had the privilege of seeing my dad use word pictures to help heal relationships. His ability to get to the heart of the matter was unparalleled. One time I accompanied him to a studio where he was participating in a live radio call-in. At one point he said, live on the air, “Just call in and tell me your problem, and I’ll show you how using word pictures can help resolve it.”

Are you crazy? I thought. How are you going to come up with an illustrative word picture for each and every person who calls in, live and on-the-spot?

But that’s exactly what he did. Women would call in and explain what they were trying to convey to their husbands. Every time, and without hesitation, Dad would creatively envision a scenario that would connect with the male brain. A few weeks later, he received letters from several women explaining how their situation had changed for the better as a result of using the word pictures he had provided.

Sometimes Dad would even use real pictures to further illustrate his points. In my office today, I have a giant pair of cardboard lips. No, this isn’t my homage to the Rolling Stones. My dad often used these lips as a prop when he was talking about the power of the tongue to build up or to destroy (see Proverbs 18:21; James 3). They’re a great reminder to this day.

In short, using word pictures was a way of life for my dad. He saw the power of this approach and used it, taught it, and modeled it for his kids. It’s a surprisingly simple concept that Christ Himself demonstrated in His parables. It has made a difference in so many people’s lives. And it has undoubtedly informed the way I interact with my wife, my kids, and my colleagues.

For me, Kari, and the rest of the Trent family, word pictures have been an integral part of our home as well. How clearly I remember a fateful day when I was just six years old and learned that horses could teach me more than how to enjoy a trail ride.

I had just been sent to my room for a time-out. A few minutes earlier, I had ignored my mom’s direct request to not play with her china teapot. When she left the room, I decided my imaginary tea party was incomplete and needed the teapot anyway. As I reached up to grab it, I knocked it off the shelf, and the handle broke as it came crashing to the floor.

I was in my room, convinced that my parents were going to ship me off to live with the neighbors. Then my dad came in, carrying two of my plastic horses. I looked at him hopefully, praying he had somehow come into my room to play with me instead of punish me.

What he actually did, however, was even better.

“Kari, can I tell you a story?” he asked in his gentle but serious voice.

I nodded cautiously. His tone was so different from his usual joyful tenor that I couldn’t help but sit up straighter and lock my full attention on him.

“Here is a little horse and a mommy horse,” he said, holding up the set. “They live in a beautiful field, and the little horse can run anywhere it wants to as long as it stays inside the fence.

“But one day, the little horse decided it wanted to get some grass on the other side of the fence. So it waited until the mommy horse wasn’t looking, and then it tried to jump over.”

All of a sudden, I realized he was talking about me and the teapot.

“The little horse made it over, but it damaged the fence —and the mommy horse’s trust —in the process.”

There was more to the story, but I don’t remember it. All I remember was thinking in that moment, Wow, I never want to make my mom not trust me again.

In fact, the story was so effective that it became an ongoing word picture in our home. The little horse even grew into a teenage horse and an adult horse, and it’s now a married horse when I go to my dad for advice on how to better love my husband, Joey.

While I’ve watched my dad use countless word pictures to help couples, families, and even businesses understand and relate to one another, it’s his continued use at home and in his daily life that has created a legacy my sister, Laura, and I try to emulate every day. Later in this book, I’ll share the most powerful word picture my dad ever used with me.

Both Greg and I feel strongly that if you want someone to “get” you when you’re trying to convey how you’re feeling, you need to use a word picture. This updated version of The Language of Love will show you how to do just that.

We also hope that as you read this, including the stories our fathers tell about their successes and failures in communication, you’ll be encouraged by their imperfection, genuine hearts, and the truly powerful tools outlined in the upcoming pages. May this book be as big a blessing to you and your most important relationships as it has been to us and ours.