78

MARTIN

All of us— even Zoe, who had acted the most decisively—felt some responsibility for Gilbert’s death, though the paramedics had assured us that it was unlikely that he could have been saved. Sarah had been doing heart compressions when they arrived, but he was already gone.

At the hospital, after collecting paperwork for Camille to complete, I’d done my best to reassure Sarah that she’d done all she could, but she was straight back into blaming herself.

‘I shouldn’t have listened to Bernhard. What the fuck does he know?’

‘Nor should I. I’m sorry. I should have been right behind you.’

‘I just wasn’t sure. I’m only a med student. Not even that anymore. I was afraid of looking stupid if there were helicopters and everything and…Zoe was good.’

‘She was.’

‘I’ll say thank you when I see her, but I didn’t say it back then because it was like…it didn’t make any difference.’ She laughed, ruefully. ‘You were right about Bernhard. His father’s a bully and Bernhard didn’t want to be like him, but here we are.’

‘Tough lesson.’

‘You heard what I said to him.’

I had. She’d been pretty angry. ‘I imagine he’s not feeling too good about himself at the moment.’

‘Well, yeah. He basically stopped someone who was dying—our friend who was dying—from getting help so he could show who was boss. He should feel bad.’

‘Are you going to forgive him?’

‘I said, you were right about him. Nothing to forgive. That’s who he is. I just don’t want him in my life. I might go back to medicine. So if today happens again I don’t screw up.’

‘If it’s any help to you, I think Gilbert was ready for this. Medically and…Camille was set on leaving him.’

‘I went through his pills. He was on medication for heart disease. He should have told us.’

‘And he probably shouldn’t have been doing this walk with a hairdryer and all the other stuff on his back. Sarah, we make our choices, and he didn’t want to call the ambulance.’ I didn’t want my daughter, or anyone, blaming themselves for what they’d done on this day for the rest of their lives. There was enough of that about.

‘Let’s focus on what we can do now,’ I said.

‘Look after Camille. She needs to see a priest.’

‘I guess Zoe’s taking on that role,’ I said. Practice for the future, the way things were sitting.

‘Not wanting to be critical of Zoe, but maybe right now she isn’t…’

‘At least Camille knows her. Compared with a local priest who she’s never met…’ I had a thought. ‘She has an address book, doesn’t she?’

Sarah managed a laugh. ‘A paper one. She’ll be carrying it.’

‘You think?’

She started opening the pockets of Gilbert’s pack.