Chapter 18

Many things go through your mind when you’re about thirty or forty feet up in the air on a piece of wood no bigger than an ironing-board, and you don’t know what’s below. Your instinct is to bail. But I managed to keep my body shape in the classic Telemark stance and landed that board on a lower slope, with little more than a light jolt and the briefest of wobbles.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, punching the air.

It was the second precipice that did for me. The one I shot straight off moments after celebrating my perfect landing off the first one. Although I lost my balance and fell off, the height of the cliff was nowhere near as high as the first one and I only hurt my pride.

I picked myself up, stamped both feet, and knew I had been very lucky I hadn’t broken any bones.

I could see the flat white mantle of ice spreading out all around me, and realized I was only a few yards from the foot of the knoll. I looked round to see where Emma and Jemmons were, but, of course, the two bluffs I had just come over obscured my view of the upper slopes—I couldn’t even see the Castle, only smoke. I remembered my makeshift wheels and quickly fitted them on my board in the four slots. Then I walked down to the “shore” of the ice and pushed off. And did I shift! I only had to do a couple of good push-offs and I was up to maximum speed and running over that ice like a bowling ball. I headed round the little headland to my left, made by the lower bluff. And found the Princess and the Duck standing on the slope. The Duck looked a bit shaken. The Princess was supporting him.

“Hey!” I called.

I skidded in and bailed, running up the slope to them to stop myself.

“Stephen!” cried the Princess. “You have the key?”

“Er, no. I thought you had it.”

“You see what I have to put up with?” said the Duck. “I told you he’d muck it up—he’s a bloody idiot!”

“Normal service has been resumed I see.”

“Stephen, why didn’t you stay with Jemmons? I told you he had the key,” said the Princess.

“I thought—well, what I thought was—it might be a double bluff.”

“What’re you on about—a double bluff?” quacked the Duck. “You’ve only left Emma up there with a bloody psychopath!”

“What?” I exclaimed.

“Jemmons has got the key—he’s Corrective Measures! They’ve turned him!”

“Nobody tells me anything!”

“Where’re you going?”

“Where do you think?”

I picked up my board and was about to set off in the direction from which I had just come.

“Wait!” cried the Princess. “I will go with you!”

“No!” said the Duck.

“You want me to stay, Sir Julian?” said the Princess.

“No. What I meant was: why don’t you go the other way?” he pointed vaguely in the other direction. “Round there—they might come down that way.”

“I could go that way,” I said.

“No!” said the Duck, looking annoyed. “You go that way—stick to the way we decided—you’re always chopping and changing your mind! You’re so indecisive.”

“I’m not.”

“Don’t argue!”

“I’ll go this way,” smiled the Princess. She ran off along the “shore” in the other direction.

“What the hell was all that about?” I said.

“Shh!” said the Duck. “Just go round there.”

“Why? What’re you playing at?”

“I’ve got the bloody key,” said the Duck. “They’ll be coming down round there—we’ve got to get away from her.”

“Who?”

“Who? The Princess!”

“You’ve lost me.”

He grabbed me by the front of my biggles. “Just do as you’re told and leave everything to me. I’ll explain later,” he said, waving me away.

“Is Jemmons a murdering traitor or not?” I said.

“No—I only said that for her benefit—now get going, we haven’t got much time—she’ll twig in a minute. She’s not bloody stupid—like some I could mention!”

“Up yours, Duckworth!”

I skated off towards the spur of land and quickly rounded it. To my delight and surprise, Jemmons and Emma were waiting for me just around the corner.

“Emma! Rog!”

“Get in here, Stevie!” said Jemmons.

I skated straight at them and bailed, falling into their arms.

“What going on? Everyone seems to know except—”

“Shh!” said Emma. “Can you hear anything, Roger?”

Jemmons listened intently and shook his head, while reaching inside my biggles.

“What’re you doing?”

He pulled out the sparkling cranberry glass key like a magician.

“But?”

“Our Princess can read minds, matey,” said Jemmons. “The Duck’s trying to distract her—but we’re not sure what her range is.”

“I had the key all the time?” I said.

“No, I had the key,” said Emma. “The Duck gave it to me on the wall.”

“But I found it.”

“I let you find it,” corrected Emma.

“And then I picked your pocket and gave it back to the Duck,” said Jemmons.

“But the Duck was unconscious.”

“Playacting,” said Jemmons.

“So, how did I end up with it?”

“Oh, Stephen, you are so dense,” said Emma.

“You mean the Duck planted it back on me?”

“Now,” said Jemmons. “Stand back. I’m not sure how this thing works.”

Emma pulled me aside and I took the opportunity to kiss her cheek. She ruffled my hair.

Jemmons held the key aloft like the Statue of Liberty’s torch. Nothing happened.

“What’s it supposed to do?” I said.

“I reckon it’s some sort of tracking device,” said Jemmons. “A vibration or sound wave thingy.”

“Or mind waves,” I said. “Give it to me.”

Jemmons handed it over. I put it to my forehead.

“What are you doing?” said Emma.

“I’m thinking about the Princess,” I muttered.

“This is not the time to be indulging your erotic fantasies,” said Emma.

“It’s a mind device,” I said. “Shh—I’m getting something!”

“Saints preserve us! Look out there!” exclaimed Jemmons.

“What? Where?” I said.

“It’s gone again,” said Jemmons. “There was a blue light flashing way out there on the ice, when you were doing your mind thingy.”

“Did you see anything, Em?”

“No—do it again.”

I pressed the glass cone to my forehead and repeated the trick.

“There ’tis! D’you see it, Emma?”

“Oh, yes! Yes! I see it!”

“Where?” I said.

“It’s gone again,” said Jemmons.

“Yes, it stops every time I stop thinking about her,” I said. “That is the Princess’ time machine—it’s way out there on the ice somewhere.”

“Very clever, Stephen!” said the Princess.

We all swung round to our right and looked up on the little headland. She was standing over the Duck, who was trussed up and kneeling on a snowboard at her feet. She gave the board a gentle kick with her foot and sent the Duck sliding down the slope towards us.

“Aaagh!” cried the Duck.

Jemmons rushed to catch him just as he reached the bottom and toppled over on his side. The Princess bounded down and was face to face with me in a matter of seconds.

“I’ll take that, darling,” she smiled. She plucked the glass key from my hand. And gestured the others over with a crooked finger. Jemmons finished untying the Duck and they came and joined us. “Now, here we all are, together again.”

“Yes,” I smiled. “All my wedding guests are assembled.”

“You are funny, darling,” said the Princess, indulgently.

“I don’t think we’re part of her plans, mate,” said the Duck, rubbing his wrists where the straps had burnt his skin.

“All that switching the key round, Sir Julian—you made me feel quite dizzy,” said the Princess. “And now, I’m afraid, I must say au revoir. I’m sure those nice policemen will be along any minute to pick you up and put you back in their nice warm prison.” She gazed up at the Castle. “Even warmer now.”

“Didn’t I mean anything to you?” I said.

“Oh, I didn’t mean you, darling—you’re coming with me. We have new worlds to discover—and populate—but not this planet, I think—it’s not my type.”

“You prefer wet ones,” said the Duck.

“Touché, Sir Julian—I shall truly miss that devious little mind of yours—my, my, what fun we have had—you ran me a close race. But we must not forget what you are—a loser.”

“Don’t leave us here, Your Highness,” pleaded the Duck. “At least drop us off somewhere a bit safer—give us a sporting chance. Hey?”

She tilted her head on one side and blinked at him. “Oh, but, Sir Julian, you know how these things work—the winner takes all, the loser has to fall,” she said with mock sadness. “Where is the fun in victory if the vanquished live to fight another day?”

“I had to ask,” said the Duck. “Not for myself, you understand—I was thinking of the others.”

“Of course you were. And now, Stephen, you will show me how this—this skateboard, as I think you call it, works and we will slide off into this icescape and consummate our everlasting love. Over and over and over again.”

I swallowed hard.

The Duck kicked my foot. “Stall her!” he said, out of the corner of his mouth.

“Um? I’ve changed my mind,” I said. “I don’t want to marry you now.”

Something wet and slimy lashed me across the face. It was so fast—none of the others even saw what happened.

“You promised to marry this creature?” exclaimed Emma.

“Well, no—that is, the Duck said—”

I felt another stinging slap across my face.

“Get on that board!” hissed the Princess.

“Did anyone see that? She—”

“You have sunk to some pretty low levels, Sloane,” said Emma. “But this one really takes the limbo prize—even for you!”

“We are wasting time!” The Princess picked me up and stood me on the skateboard. And then stepped on behind me and threw her arms around my neck. “Go—out there! To that beacon!” She pointed to the flashing cranberry coloured light far out on the ice sheet.

“It won’t work between us,” I said. “I’m, um, impotent.”

“Is that true?” said Emma.

“No—it is not,” said the Princess. “I have given him a thorough, seventy-two-hour medical examination—to make sure he is fit to mate with me—and he passed with flying colours—he has a sperm count the size of—”

“—A small galaxy—yeah, I know,” I said, “but they’re not all top drawer, Your Highness, some are a little mean, in a cool, streetwise kind of way. I know the sort of (I cleared my throat) quantities I can offer are pretty impressive, but it’s quality that counts, Your Highness. You can’t be too choosy in your position—you’ve got the royal bloodline to think aboutttt!”

The Princess gave us an almighty push-off and we shot out across the ice like a marble on plate glass. The wind was rushing past my face so quickly it was peeling my gums back off my teeth. The Princess squeezed me and squealed with delight.

“Wowweee! This is so cooool!” she shouted, above the whoosh of the wind and the rattle of the wheels.

It was like hammering towards a giant white screen along a wide white highway—I kept thinking we were going to fly off the edge of the world, but we just kept going and going and going…

Suddenly, a grid of blue, green, and red lights lit up under the ice all around us. They reminded me of airport landing lights, but these were unbroken lines and they were actually inside the ice, more like those disco lights they put under the dance floor. The whole ice sea was criss-crossed with them.

“What are all these lights?” I shouted.

“It’s called sectoring,” said the Princess. “They’re searching for us.”

“Who?”

Loud organ music began playing—just like the start of an ice hockey end—only the music was more high church than high octane. It sounded like we had the entire hallelujah chorus out there on the ice with us.

She tapped me on the shoulder and pointed. I glanced to my right and saw seven wedding cake-type hovercrafts coming around the eastern end of the island, in a V formation. I looked back over my shoulder—and saw another skateboard coming after us! It was quite a way back, but I could count three people aboard it. I turned my head back quickly and pretended I hadn’t seen anything.

“How much farther is it?” I said.

“Don’t worry,” said the Princess. “They won’t catch up.”

I glanced over at the squadron of hovercrafts. “No, I don’t think they’ve even seen us yet,” I said.

“I don’t mean them—I mean the Duck and company,” said the Princess. She nudged me. “As if you didn’t know.”

“I don’t see why you’re so dead set against my family and friends coming to the wedding,” I said. “After all, dear, it’s my day, too.”

She giggled.

“It would make me so happy,” I went on. “Can’t you at least try to get along with my father?”

“Stop it—you’re making me laugh,” she said, giving my face a playful lash with something slimy.

“What is that thing you do?” I said, licking my lips and tasting salt.

“Soon we will be aboard my ship. Your father and the others will no doubt perish on the ice,” she said. “I find that sad, yes, but it is in my nature to destroy inferior species like yours—though I admit your father is one of the most enlightened humans I have ever met. He was even prepared to sacrifice you to save his own miserable skin—I find that very moving. Do you know what I mean, darling?”

“I know exactly what you mean,” I said. “He’s moved me a lot!”

Suddenly, a red signal flare burst directly overhead, illuminating the area around us for miles in a bright crimson light.

“Oh, how tiresome—they’ve spotted us,” sighed the Princess. “Now I’ll have to exterminate them all.”

“One skateboard against a fleet?” I said. “Oh, come on, not even you could—”

There was a loud slurp. My board lurched forward and felt lighter. A dark cloud passed over, casting a huge shadow across the ice.

“Er, Princess, what was—?”

I heard a fierce squawk, followed by what sounded like someone playing an enormous pair of castanets. I hung a one-eighty and looked up, as I still skidded backwards on two wheels and one foot.

The giant squid had just silently appeared on the ice and was towering over me, its tentacles lashing and writhing in anger.

“What the—how the hell did you get down here?” I exclaimed. “I thought you were tapas!”

It peered down at me with its enormous oily eyes and showed me its chattering beak. That’s when I fell off my board and started sliding across the freezing ice on my butt. It was seeing that beak. That big bone-crunching beak. Man, what an overbite! The thing had obviously pecked the Princess up and swallowed her whole and was getting ready to do the same to me! I backed away on my backside, pushing frantically with my hands and feet. And then my spine bumped up against something big wet and slippery—a gigantic feeder tentacle engulfed me and plucked me up into the air—leaving my stomach forty feet below! It held me up close to its face and stared at me with its big black eyes. I thought that was it. Well, you would.

And then it swung me away and placed me out of harm’s way on the ice floor, like a chess piece, so that it was between me and the rapidly approaching fleet. It was as though that squid was trying to protect me.

I could see the Duck clearly now—he, too, had swerved off in my direction to get on the safe side of the giant squid. Only he was coming towards me too fast and wouldn’t be able to slow down in time, without a spill—so I figured he’d swerve around me to avoid a crash, because no one would be that stupid—I closed my eyes and screamed! I was skittled over and found myself flat on my back at the bottom of a rack of bodies, staring up into three faces—the Duck, Emma and Jemmons.

“Get-off-me!” I gasped.

They all rolled off and sat up.

“We are sitting ducks out here,” said Jemmons.

For some reason we all looked round at the Duck.

“Don’t look at me,” he said. He scrambled to his feet and waddled off unsteadily in the direction of his skateboard. We all watched him mount it and kick off. I jumped to my feet and grabbed him as he tried to whizz past us.

“No you don’t!”

I pulled him off and the board flipped up in the air and shot off across the ice.

“Your capacity for self-preservation is awesome,” I said. “When the universe finally stops expanding and all the stars go out, there’ll be a descendant of the Duck standing in the dark on the last asteroid, saying, anybody got a match?”

He shrugged me off. “What are you on about? We’re fighting for our lives here—in case you hadn’t noticed!”

“You’re fighting for yours, you mean.” I pointed at the giant squid. “That monster just saved mine.” I looked round at Emma and Jemmons, and added: “But I’m afraid it ate the Princess.”

The Duck gave me a shove. “What do you mean—ate the Princess? That is the bleeding Princess! She’s a shape-changer!”

“You what?”

“Get down!” cried the Duck, pulling me face down on the ice.

A huge tentacle skimmed over our heads and slapped around one of the hovercrafts that had tried to come around its right flank. It picked it up and secured it with one of its great suckered arms, and then inverted it and began shaking it, like a kid emptying a moneybox. Only it wasn’t coins falling out—it was the crew. I couldn’t look and averted my eyes—and saw two of its other tentacles slapping the hell out of another vessel on its left flank. This time it wound the hovercraft up in its arm and flicked it across the ice as though it were playing ducks and drakes. The vessel span round and round, skipping chaotically towards the island, where it scored a direct hit and came to rest halfway up the slope.

The Duck tugged my sleeve. “Come on—that one over there’s empty!” he quacked.

“Empty? What?”

I ran alongside him with the others. I had no idea where we were going. We were all just struggling to stay on our feet. I ran round to Emma’s side and tried to grab onto her, but she handed me off like a rugby player.

“My father said if I didn’t promise to marry the Princess, we’d never get off the island,” I tried to explain, as we were slip-sliding along. “Do you really think I’d marry a fifty-foot squid?”

“I thought you liked tentacled women,” she said.

“Oh, I get it,” I said. I lowered my voice. “This is about those Japanese mangas I downloaded off the net, isn’t it? I told you—that was for a linguini promotion Matt was working on.”

“I think you’ve said enough, don’t you?” she said, forcing a smile.

“I could never marry a woman with tentacles, Em.”

She shoulder barged me like an ice hockey jock and I lost my balance and stumbled over.

“Em—Em, wait! You’ve got it all wrong! I hate sushi!”

The Duck was leading us towards the hovercraft our squid princess had been rattling. She had discarded it and the Duck clearly had a mind to board it. I gave up on Emma for the time being and ran to catch him up.

“You cannot be serious,” I said.

“Got a better idea?” he puffed.

“It’ll be full of guards.”

“They’ll all have headaches,” he panted.

He had a point. The thing was just sitting there on the ice, showing no signs of going anywhere and no signs of life on board. Those crew members who had been shaken out of it were either lying on the ice injured or legging it across the ice. To our left, I could see the squadron had broken off the engagement and was speeding away to regroup. We kept running and reached the hull. There was no obvious way onboard.

“Now what?” I said.

“Round here, boys!” shouted Jemmons.

We dashed around the sleek white curve of the hull and found Jemmons jumping up and down, trying to reach a hatchway, but he couldn’t quite make it.

“Allez up, Rog!” I called.

He stooped down and cupped his big hands. I ran to him and stirruped my foot and he hoisted me up. The small hull door was already ajar—presumably where the crew had abandoned ship—so I threw it open and peered in.

“All clear,” I said. “Wait—there’s a ladder.”

I pulled myself in and fumbled with what looked like an emergency ladder attached to the inside of the hatch door. It was a telescopic contraption and I couldn’t immediately figure out how it worked.

“Hurry up!” called Emma.

“Yeah, get a bleeding move on!” shouted the Duck, banging on the hull.

“What’s Princess Squid doing?” I said, as I twiddled and fiddled.

“She’s off after the fleet!” said Jemmons. “Look at those landlubbers go!”

I noticed a wire coming out of the hinge side of the door and followed the wall round to a box. I opened it and threw all the switches. The lights went out and a dim blue emergency light came on—the door hissed and the ladder extended down to the ice.

“About time,” said Emma, being the first head to appear in the opening of the hatch.

I gave her a hand up.

“Welcome aboard, ma’am,” I bowed.

“I haven’t forgiven you yet, Sloane,” she said, flashing her eyes at me.

Next, the Duck’s head appeared.

“Here, this is nice—you’ll find me on the bridge!”

He jumped aboard, waddled down the passageway, and vanished around a corner.

I pulled Roger in.

“Horatio Duck’s on the bridge,” I said.

“Is he now?” said Jemmons. “We’ll soon see about that—I’m taking the wheel of this beauty.”

“Good,” I said. “Where’re we headed exactly, skipper?”

“Ah? I shall have to have a look at the charts, matey.”

Jemmons hurried away, leaving me to secure the hatch.

“Yeah. Well, don’t take too long, mate!” I shouted after him.

Emma folded her arms, leant back against the wall, and watched me work.

“I wasn’t jealous,” she said.

“What about?” I said.

“You and the Princess.”

“That was all the Duck’s doing.” I locked the hatch.

“I know. He did the same thing to me,” she said.

“How do you mean?”

“With Travis.”

I shook my head and looked dumb.

“Travis and the Princess are one and the same.”

“You are kidding!”

She shivered. “No—it’s true.”

I took her in my arms and held her to me. “Oh, Em—I’m sorry—I had no idea—I’ll kill her—him! No I won’t—on second thoughts, I’ll kill the Duck!”

“I don’t think he had any choice. You can see what he’s—I mean, she’s capable of,” said Emma.

“Yeah. But why did she do it—play us off against each other like that?”

“To get to you, of course,” said Emma. “She was both your rival and your suitor.”

“The Love Lives of a Shape Changer,” I said.

“Hm. Complicated.”

“But—all’s well that ends well?” I said.

She smiled and we kissed, softly, romantically, lovingly… and the hovercraft rose up and started throbbing.

Emma withdrew her lips. I kept my eyes closed and lingered, enjoying the exquisite moment for just a little bit longer.

“But she’ll be back,” said Emma.

I opened my eyes. “Yeah, you’re right and the Duck won’t give up while there’s still a chance of getting his hands on her machine—come on!” We held hands and ran together. “We’ve got to stop him—make him take us somewhere safe. I don’t care where I live as long as we’re together!”