The IV rehydrating me dripped into my veins, the muffled sounds of staff and patients in the hall tapping at my semi-conscious mind. Exhaustion muffled Heidi’s incessant yammering on her mobile in the corner, her heels clicking over the tile back and forth as she juggled calls and emails.
I was in a fancy private room far away from “normal” civilians, located in the private section of the hospital, the Royal House sending my assistant and other PR staff to “manage” the situation. I understood Theo wouldn’t be able to come to the hospital either. It would be a logistical nightmare for everyone, but the hole in my chest didn’t seem to care. And Heidi’s treatment of me, as if my getting hurt was a huge nuisance to the house, didn’t help.
At first, I could do nothing but watch the news play on the large flat screen on the wall, carnage looping over and over on the telly. The reports were exactly what Lennox said—suicide bombers trying to take out the cruel dictator ruling their land.
Did they succeed?
Karma seemed to protect the truly evil, plucking off the ones around. Their leader may be injured but well enough to already be on a private jet heading back to his country. He lived while almost everyone around him—innocent hotel staff and his own bodyguards—were killed.
Twenty-seven lives gone. And how easily Lennox and I could have been added to the list.
Just a few seconds, and we could be dead…
Tightness clutched my lungs, stirring me on the bed with terror.
The doctor said I seemed fine, in shock, but physically all right. He still wanted me to stay until all the results were back, not willing to take a chance on letting me go prematurely and then finding something wrong. The press would eat him alive for risking the Prince’s girlfriend.
The news of the royal family being part of this terrorist attack was huge news, and even more so after they learned I was trapped inside. They even caught footage of me being put into the ambulance. They licked up the juicy drama of me entombed in the rubble of the hotel like cream. I suddenly became the hottest news around.
The media darling.
“No, she will not do a private interview with your paper when only the other day you called her the ‘Sham Princess!’” Heidi’s snotty tone clipped loudly in the room. “I guess this is a lesson for you guys to be careful what you write about the royal family.” She pulled the cell away from her ear, shaking her head. “Bastard.”
Instantly, it buzzed again with another call.
“Celina.” She chirped into the phone. “How are you, darling?” Her tone totally switched, oozing with arse-kissing fakeness. “I know. So heroic. What she went through was terrifying, epic, and heartbreaking. What a fabulous article for Harper’s Bazaar, don’t you think?
Ugh. I rolled onto my side away from her, trying to shut her out.
“Get the fuck out.” A deep voice thundered from the doorway behind me, my eyes bolting open, but I didn’t move, freezing at hearing Lennox’s demand race across the room.
“Celina, can you hold on a moment? Thank you.” Heidi spoke sweetly to her, then in a beat, her tone shifted. “You do not tell me what to do. You are a bodyguard, and you certainly do not give me orders.”
“I do if it has to do with her welfare.” I didn’t have to see him to know his expression was tight, anger humming in the air. “Take your phone call outside.” It was not a suggestion.
I heard her huff, heels clacking over the floor and out the door, her voice continuing on the cell down the hallway.
My heart thumped in my chest, not one muscle budging, while I tried to keep my breath even.
He moved farther into the room, and I could feel him looking at me, his gaze boring into my back, tingling my skin. It was impossible to ignore his presence, to try to deny what had happened between us. He was right. Words I could have waved off, saying the intense situation made me say things I didn’t mean, and he gave me every chance to stop. But I crashed forward. It was me who pushed.
“What the hell are you doing?” Dalton’s voice muttered quietly from the doorway, locking my jaw together.
“My job,” Lennox replied objectively. “She’s still my responsibility, right?”
“Yes.”
“I’m protecting my charge.”
“Don’t give me your shite, Lennox,” Dalton said briskly. “You can lie to yourself, but not me.”
“What? You know me now?”
“Yeah, I do. I’ll admit I didn’t like you at first, but that changed. I respect you, Lennox…too much to let you do this to yourself.”
Silence.
“She’s with Theo.”
“I know.”
“Then let me ask again. What are you doing?”
A heavy sigh came from Lennox. “I don’t know.”
“Jesus, mate. She is not one you can fool around with.”
“I know that,” Lennox barked back. “Nothing is going on.”
“I know what I saw…and that wasn’t nothing.”
A frustrated growl rolled through the room. Through my lashes, I could see a hint of Lennox, leaning back against the wall, his hand scrubbing at his face and over his head.
“You need to get your head on straight. Get it together. Like you don’t already have enough problems to deal with.” Dalton said. “This one is off limits, Lennox. You know I care about you. I also care about her and Theo. Nothing good can come from this.”
“You think I want this?” he hissed. “This is the last thing I ever wanted.”
“I get it…believe me. I know what it’s like to want something you can’t have.” Dalton exhaled, a sadness in his declaration. I wondered if he was talking about Eloise. There was more between them than simply him guarding her. “But she’s not yours, and she won’t ever be. You need to come to terms with that now. Because I will take you off her security. She comes first. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Do you?”
“Yes! And her protection has always come first. I resent you even questioning that.” Ire bounded from him. “This was a slip. A mistake. She was almost killed. Things get jumbled in situations like that. It will never happen again.”
“Make sure it doesn’t. She will soon be more than a girlfriend. She’ll be a princess. I need to trust you understand she is completely forbidden. This has no good ending for you. If even a hint of this gets out and with your situation and past…”
“I. Get. It.” Lennox seethed through his teeth.
There were a few beats of silence.
“Have you gotten checked out yet? That cut looks bad.”
“I’m fine. Not the first bombing I’ve gone through.”
“If you need to go talk to someone…”
“I said I’m fine.”
“Okay,” Dalton replied, not sounding like he believed him. “Theo wanted me here, anyway. I’ll watch her. Why don’t you take a walk?”
Lennox started to speak.
“That isn’t an option,” Dalton sternly cut in. “Take a walk. Go see her. Get your priorities and head on straight.”
See her?
Lennox sighed, muttering under his breath. “Call me if anything changes.”
“Yeah.”
“Even if they find a scratch they didn’t see before.”
“I get it. Now, go.”
Lennox grunted under his breath, his shoes hitting the tile, slowly fading away.
Slip. Mistake. Stabs of rejection and hurt twisted in my chest, squeezing my lids together. Did I regret kissing him now we were out and back in the real world? I wanted to. I mean, I really, really wanted to. Guilt consumed me, but I couldn’t deny if the situation happened all over again, I would do it again. I hoped my feelings would change once we were out, but like most truths, once this came to light, it wouldn’t go away.
I had feelings for Lennox, feelings that couldn’t be brushed aside.
I loved Theo, but something had woken up inside me, and I didn’t think I could go back. As if I lived years in that storage closet, I came out a different person, realizing my feelings for Theo might not be enough.
What I had to give up might be too steep a price for me.
“Spencer!” My name was howled through the evening like a war chant, lodging fear deep into my chest. The house PR gave me talking points, encouraging me to speak to the press and show how amazing and strong I was.
I felt anything but.
Weak and shaky, my legs wobbled on the heels Heidi had brought me to wear, rubbing against the torn skin on the pads of my feet. The PR team had sent a whole outfit for me to wear leaving the hospital, so I would look put together for the cameras crowding the other side of the street, snapping and taping my every move.
Dalton took one look at me and got me into the car instead, leaving Heidi bubbling with irritation on the sidelines to deal with the paparazzi.
“Thank you,” I whispered when he got me settled in, his empathic coffee brown eyes finding mine.
“You don’t need to deal with that. What you’ve been through…you need to be home and feel safe. Plus, he’d kill me if I let any of those bloodsuckers get near you. He told me to bring straight home.”
“Who’d kill you? Theo?”
“No.” Dalton looked away. “Not Theo.”
“Oh.”
I didn’t ask where Lennox went, but I was constantly looking for him, wanting to see him, which was exactly why I didn’t ask. Dalton was right, this had no good ending. For either of us.
On the entire drive home, cars and motorcycles chased us, trying to get pictures of me, hounding the car until we pulled into the private drive, the pursuit over.
Theo ran down the steps the moment Dalton opened the car door, helping me out of the SUV.
“I am so glad you are all right.” Theo’s arms wrapped tightly around me. “I was going crazy here, not able to get to you.” He clutched my face, tipping it back. I cringed as his palms rubbed at my tender flesh. The blast had caused a burn over my skin, which was really starting to register. “You know I wanted to be there, right? But protocol—”
I was starting to hate that word. “I understand.” I nodded, taking his hands off my face and stepping back.
“You don’t know scared I was, knowing you were back there when the bomb went off. The thought of anything happening to you…” He drew me back in, crushing me to his chest, his lips brushing my hair. “I love you so much, Spencer.”
My stomach burned at his declaration. I thought seeing him would make me feel better. Set everything right in my head. My heart.
Back to normal.
Back in love.
I knew we needed to talk, but right then, the demand to close my eyes and sleep for days took over everything. The trauma my body had gone through had really set in, the adrenaline wearing off. My bones ached, my head throbbed, my skin burned, and my muscles screamed in agony.
The doctor released me with heavy painkillers and his personal number to call him if I started feeling worse. He wanted to keep me overnight, but Heidi said the palace wanted me home. Their personal doctor would be on call for me.
I wanted to go home. But to my home. To my family.
“I need to call my parents.” I broke away from Theo again, everything hurting where he touched, and headed up the stairs. He clutched my elbow, walking close to me, making me itchy and claustrophobic.
“I had my assistant call them, keeping them up to date. They wanted to drive down immediately, but we convinced them you were being properly looked after and there was no point. They will see you tomorrow anyway.”
Tomorrow?
“Spencer!” Eloise cried the moment we entered the palace, her body colliding with mine. “Oh my god, we were so worried. Are you okay?”
Flinching at her touch, she instantly stepped back. “Oh, sorry.”
“Are you in pain?” Theo reached for my hand.
“Of course she is, wanker,” Eloise chided him. “She was almost blown up.”
“Nice, El. Thought we weren’t going to mention that.”
“Like she’s not aware she was in a bombing?”
“No,” he yipped at her. “That she was almost killed.”
They bickered, and I strolled right by them, heading up the stairs and down the hall toward my room.
“Spencer!” Theo called after me.
I had shut down. Ripping off the stupid dress I had on, I headed straight into the bathroom, turning on the shower. Blood and debris still painted the ends of my hair, even after the nurse cleaned me up.
“Can I get you anything?” Theo followed me in, his hand running over my tangled hair and down my back, his voice going low. “I have to meet with someone in ten minutes, but I can join you for a bit if you want.”
“No.” I sounded cold. Distant. A therapist had come to my room, but I told her I was fine. After a while, she gave up but warned me I might experience some PTSD and to call her.
Right now, I didn’t feel anything. “Go to your meeting. I just want to sleep.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I forced my mouth to curve into a smile, patting his chest. “Go. I’ll be fine.”
His brows furrowed, “Okay, but I’ll be back the moment I can, okay?”
I nodded, too tired to say anything else.
“Okay.” He kissed my temple, heading out of the room. “I’ll be back…I love you.”
My mouth twitched. I couldn’t say it back, and he didn’t seem to notice.
Scrubbing my body and hair, I tried to keep my mind from wandering, from seeing faces, from hearing screams…from him.
Dressing in the coziest thing I could find, needing comfort, I crawled under the fluffy duvet and willingly let sleep claim me and bury me under the pain.
I stood in a room, people milling around me, but they were a blur, no distinct faces. All unaware of what was coming, but I knew.
I had to warn them.
Save them.
I couldn’t move.
Turning my head, Lennox looked over at me, my voice stuck in my throat, my tongue knotting. No matter how much I tried, my mouth wouldn’t work, tripling the horror gurgling in my chest. The desperation to protect him forced tears from my eyes, but the words would not come.
Panic.
Terror.
The more I tried to scream, move, the more tentacles wrapped around me, holding me down. It was coming; I could feel it.
BOOM!
The bomb tore through the group.
Lennox! I shrieked his name as guttural screams filled my ears, shredding at my soul. I could hear each death, feel it in my soul, but could do nothing but watch.
Blood, guts, mangled faces, bodies torn in half. Piles of them surrounded me. They reached for me, clawing and crying for me to help them, their expressions wondering why I lived, and they had died.
Lennox!
Where was he? I had lost him, making me more frantic and terrified, searching everywhere, crawling over bodies to find him.
Lennox!
“Spencer!” My name echoed over and over as bloody hands grasped for me. Sobbing, I tried to scramble away, but more and more bodies surrounded me, grabbing for me. I closed my eyes, my scream shredding my throat.
Stop! Leave me alone! Don’t touch me! Lennox!
“Spencer? Spencer, wake up! Help! Someone help!” A hand touched me, wrapping around my arms, shaking me.
“Get off. Get away. Lennox! Lennox!” I batted at them, whimpering. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Bloody hell!” A deep voice cut through the screams, feeling like a light in the darkness, and I opened my eyes to a dark room. “Back off, Theo. Don’t touch her. She’s experiencing a night terror.” His voice went low and soothing. My lids blinked, the bloody bodies around me melting into darkness until there was nothing but him. Deep blue-hazel eyes peered into mine, and his large form squatted in front of me, wearing only a pair of boxer briefs. “Spencer, it’s okay. You are all right. Safe.”
Lennox…he was okay. Alive.
Instantly the panic and terror ebbed, like he had the power to switch it off with a word. My body sagged, and a whimper of relief vibrated through me. Sweat dripped down my temple, my heart thumping wildly. Everything running through my mind felt scrambled and slow, sludging along, trying to understand what was happening. The only thing I understood was him—a tether pulling me back from nothing.
“Lennox,” I whimpered, my hand reached out touching his face, needing to know he was real.
“I’m here.” He spoke just for me, his fingers tugging my hand away from his cheek, squeezing it. “You are safe.”
I ached for him to wrap his arms around me, stop my body from trembling, from floating away into nothing.
“What happened?” He let go of my hand, the sensation fluttering terror in my chest. He continued to watch me, but the question was directed behind him, taking my attention to the other figure standing in a pair of pajama bottoms.
Theo...
“Everything was fine, we were sleeping. But when I turned over and knocked my mobile off the table, she freaked out. Started screaming, hitting me, and cowered in the corner.” He ran his hand through his hair, peering off to the side, his tone going low. Cross. “And calling for you.”
“It was the noise of the cell hitting the floor. In her head, it was an explosion.” Lennox’s hand lifted to touch my face, but he dropped it, looking away from me. “Don’t ever try and wake someone in a night terror. Especially one brought on by PTSD.” Lennox scrubbed his face, taking a deep breath. He spoke with understanding and knowledge.
“Yeah, well, when your girlfriend is screaming like she’s being murdered and calling for another man…” Theo spat out, rolled his shoulders, and paced behind Lennox.
“Fuck’s sake, mate. She recently went through an unbelievably traumatic experience…and I was with her, so of course she was calling for me,” Lennox shot over his shoulder at Theo. “She was reliving it. Give her a break.” Lennox shook his head, turning back to me. “You all right?”
“Yeah.” My voice croaked, my pulse still fluttering with adrenaline, the experience still scraping over my skin, knowing it wasn’t just a nightmare. It really happened. Those people were actually dead. “I’m the one still alive.”
His brow furrowed at my statement, but his head bobbed as if he understood.
“Yeah, it’s going to take a while to work through that. Did the doctor set you up with someone to talk to?”
“They tried. I told them I was fine.”
“No one would be fine after that. Don’t try to be tough. Not with something like this.”
“Are you seeing someone?”
“I’ve been seeing someone since I returned the first time.”
“Oh.”
“I can give you her name—”
“I’ll find her someone here. No one outside RH needs to be involved.” Theo came around to my side, squatting down with a territorial puff to his chest, his gaze leveled on Lennox. Possessive. Challenging. “I can take care of it.”
“Of course.” Lennox stood up, backing away, a nerve in his cheek flinching. “I will say goodnight then. Highness. My lady.” He bowed his head, twisting away. I watched him leave the room, feeling gutted, scared, and sinking.
My anchor leaving me adrift.
“Spencer?” Theo’s hands cupped my face, bringing my focus back to him, his body hovering over me.
Suffocating.
I felt trapped. Like I couldn’t breathe.
“I’m fine.” I pushed up. Fatigue and pain coated my bones, drooping my frame.
“You scared me.” He followed me, nipping at my heels.
“I’m sorry.” I sat on the bed, my hands gripping the comforter, my body trembling.
“I will set up a therapist tomorrow.” He cupped my face again. “Anything you need. The best of the best.”
I need space. Air.
“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” I tugged his fingers away, my lungs quivering with anxiety. There would be a lot to discuss tomorrow. “I just want to sleep.”
“Sure.” Theo nodded, moving to go around to the other side of the bed.
“Alone.” It came out before I even realized what I said.
“What?” His brows scrunched together.
“I’m sorry. I simply feel…” I stared down at my toenails on the rug. Blood red against the cream. “I need to be alone. Is that okay?”
His temper flashed over his face, looking so much like his father, his expression scowling. “Why?”
“Theo…” Tears batted at the back of my lids, closing my throat, a panic attack crawling up my spine. “I just need a little while to myself tonight. Can’t you understand that?”
“And I just wanted to hold my girlfriend… like most girls would want. Can’t you understand that? I almost lost you. And I wake up to you freaking out and calling for another man. So, I’m sorry if I’m being the arsehole…that I’m such a wanker for wanting to hold you and be the one you call for.”
I stared at him, not knowing how to respond.
He shook his head, heading for the door. “Goodnight, Spencer.” He slammed the door, rushing liquid to my eyes.
A sob shuddered in my chest, feeling even worse than before. Guilty. Because he was right, most girls would want their boyfriends lying by their side.
My body shook, the trauma of the last day heaving bile like a tornado in my stomach. I curled on my side, only wanting to sleep, to ease the memories and grief.
Drifting for a moment, shrill screams from my nightmare bolted my lids back open, terror racing up my vertebrae, chilling my skin with the echo of their death in my head.
I didn’t think. Didn’t care if it was wrong or right. I needed the one person who understood. Who experienced it with me.
It was survival. Desperate and primal. The bomb inside me was ticking, about to explode into a million pieces, and all I knew was he would keep me together when it did.
Rolling out of bed, my bare feet padded out of my room and across the hall.
What if Hazel was with him? What if he turned me away? The thought hit me with a panicked assault as I opened his door, stepping into the shadowy room.
My shoulders relaxed seeing his body rolled out across his bed. Alone.
He sat up the moment I stepped in, his guard up, ready to act. Respond to a threat.
“Spencer?” Confused, his husky voice lapped at my skin, his hand rubbing at his bare chest. “What are you doing? Are you okay?”
I dragged myself to his bed, my face twisted with grief, words lost in my throat.
His head tilted, his gaze going to me, plucking the questions and answers from my expression. Without a word, he tugged the blankets down. I crawled in next to him, my back facing him, curling on my side as he tucked me into him. His arm wrapped around my waist, engulfing me in his heat and protection. Where Theo made me feel smothered, Lennox made me feel safe, like I could breathe, and he was ready to fight the horror waiting at the edges to attack the moment I closed my eyes.
He held me as tears fell, the bloody faces and desperate cries from my dream leaked out. When they slowed, and my bones no longer quaked with fear and trauma, I finally spoke.
“I keep hearing their screams…seeing faces…” I choked. “I try to save them, but I can’t move. Even dead, they keep coming at me, clawing at me, wondering why I lived, why I didn’t save them.”
“Survivor’s guilt,” he muttered. “I know it well.”
“Do the screams go away?”
He was quiet, telling me my answer.
“You learn how to deal with it over time. I’ve realized living in guilt is no better than a cage and is an insult to the lives lost. Selfish because you make it about you, instead of living the life they didn’t get to.”
Nodding, I twined my fingers through his. Gentle on my wounds, he pressed me firmer into him like I was his anchor as much as he was mine, making me highly aware of his barely clothed ripped physique curving into mine. His erection pushed against my arse, our skin and heat skimming down our forms, enflaming every nerve.
Coming here hadn’t been about sex, though I couldn’t deny my body wanted it. After seeing so much death, it wanted to lose itself in bliss, the highest feeling of being utterly alive.
With him.
The truth about my feelings only twisted deeper into my chest with certainty. The sensation of Lennox against my body, the fire that had been building up was ready to burst from me like a backdraft. It had been forming for a long time, growing the more I ignored it.
Another awareness hit me, freezing me in place. Until now, I had never felt like this before.
Addicted. Obsessed.
Desire driving me past reason and what was appropriate or honorable.
With Theo, everything was sweet and precise. I felt adoration and friendship, but he didn’t consume my thoughts, get my blood boiling in either anger or passion. I never craved Theo like this.
Emotion built in my throat, overwhelming and gutting, knowing the consequences of admitting this. I wasn’t someone who could live with a lie. Theo deserved better than that.
As if he could sense my thoughts, he whispered against my neck. “It’s all right. Just sleep. I’m here. You’re safe.”
Exhaling, I curled farther into him, gobbling up the feel of him, the tension in my chest unwinding as I let go. I felt him relax into me after a few moments, calming my heartbeat, shielding me from the memories.
My lids closed, and I gave in to the exhaustion, falling into a deep sleep.
I was thrust from sleep to awareness, my body hot and tight, my breathing irregular. Not from fear, but desire. It took me a moment to understand what was happening and where I was.
Lennox’s room.
His physique, pinned against mine, blasted with heat. One hand was up my tank, cupping my breast, the other slipped into my shorts, his fingers gliding over me. Even in sleep, I had arched into him, demanding more.
Oh god.
Every nerve lit up, the urge to open my hips to pursue what my body wanted more than anything locked me in place.
He slipped in deeper, forcing a moan to pour from my lips, my hips slowly rocking against him.
I could tell the moment he fully woke up, his chest clinching in with a hiss as he stilled, though neither of us pulled away. No doubt he could tell how wet I was, my nerves craving him so badly they trembled under my skin.
“Spencer,” he mumbled in my ear with shock, but I could hear the inquiry in it. The question we both knew the answer to, but neither wanted to say it out loud.
His fingers pulled from me, backing away. The loss of his touch had me reacting, my hand wrapped around his, drawing it back to me. He sucked in as I flattened it back against my sternum under my tank. He hesitated for a moment before his thumb swept the spot between my breasts, then curving around my nipple, igniting my veins like a match.
As if I took a dozen ecstasy tablets, my head swirled with desire, shoving out logic as my arse curved into him. A barely audible moan huffed from his throat, his body automatically moving against mine, scorching me with need. He inhaled through his nose, gliding his hand from my sternum to my neck, his finger pressing into my throat, his hips rolling into me, dragging himself over me.
A gasp opened my mouth. “Lennox.”
He froze.
“Bloody hell.” His lips brushed against my ear. “Fuck.” His tone was defeated and pained.
My lids squeezed together painfully. “I know.”
“Jesus. You don’t know how bad I want to slip those tiny shorts down and bury myself in you.”
My breath came out spotty, need claiming me.
“We can’t,” he growled.
“I know.”
“Theo.”
“I know.” I glanced over my shoulder; shame strangled my heart.
He watched me, sorrow and frustration working over his face. He laid back on the pillow. “It’s not only him…there’s something else—” He stopped talking, staring up at the ceiling.
“What?”
“It’s complicated.”
“What does that mean?”
He didn’t answer.
Was he talking about Hazel? Were they more serious than I thought?
“Do you want me to go?” My heart sped up with the thought of being alone. Without him, I felt the dead would come to haunt me, try to drag me into hell.
“No.” He reached back for me, wrapping his arms around me, drawing me back into his body, sighing heavily. “Stay. Sleep.”
Tucking into the pillow, I relaxed my body into his, latching onto the bubble where this wasn’t wrong or right. No outside world. Just us. This moment of reprieve before tomorrow.
Before the rest of my world blew up.