Lennox held me until there was nothing left, letting me release everything I had been keeping in. I hadn’t even let myself face the bombing. Because I physically was all right, I felt everyone, including myself, thought I should be fine. Over it. But I was still processing the stress my body experienced, the relief, fear, and guilt of living. There were sinister what-ifs constantly plaguing the back of my mind.
And Lord William would have hurt me earlier. It was only a twist of fate that stopped it. Again, because it didn’t actually happen, my brain kept telling me I should be over it. Stop being so dramatic. It all kept piling on until I caved underneath.
“Sorry,” I muttered into his damp t-shirt, pulling away, wiping at my eyes.
“Don’t ever apologize. Not to me. And certainly not for that.” His hand cupped my face gently. “I don’t think you realize how strong and unbelievable you are.”
“Yeah.” I snorted, motioning to his tear-stained shirt. “Clearly.”
“Spence.” He turned my blotchy face up to his, his jaw setting with seriousness. “Do you get that most people couldn’t even take half the shite you’ve had to face already? Just three days ago, you were in a terrorist bombing. Almost died. Your entire family’s future was put on your shoulders. You’ve been blackmailed, assaulted, and you’re a constant pincushion for the world to shred apart and criticize because tearing you down makes them feel better about their little lives.”
“They can have it.” I scrubbed at my face with my sleeve, breaking away from him. How quickly after we let down our guard did we pull it back up to shield ourselves again. “All those who think being a princess is so glamourous and such a fantasy are welcome to it.”
His heavy gaze stayed on me, but I couldn’t look back, feeling raw, like I had been skinned alive.
“Come here,” he demanded. I shifted my eyes to him. He curled his fingers, beckoning me to him. Exhausted and depleted, I didn’t fight and shuffled back to him.
He grabbed the hem of my sweater, pulling it over my head. He moved with intention, but gently, his gaze trained on me. Leaning over, he swiped the worn t-shirt off his bed, pushing it over my head. I put my arms through, letting him dress me. His knuckles skated down my ribs as he drew the fabric down, the soft cotton and his masculine smell wrapping around me like a protective bubble. Soft. Safe. His focus didn’t shift from my eyes as he unzipped my jeans, dragging them down my legs. His fingers wrapped around my calf, helping me step out of them.
Not a sound was uttered when he tugged the covers down, and I crawled into his huge bed, the mattress instantly engulfing me in a hug. The swish of material turned me on my side to face him, watching him undress. I couldn’t help the slight intake of breath when he flung his shirt to the ground, the image of his ripped torso branding itself in my mind. He stripped down to his boxer briefs, heat flaming through me.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he growled, turning off the lights, crawling in next to me.
“Why?” I inched closer, my hand skimming his chest. He was so close, his breath and heat tantalizing me. The city lights decorated for the holidays glowed through the windows, lighting up his hazel eyes.
“Because.” He clutched my hip, rolling me to my other side, facing away from him, his arm wrapping around my middle tightly, tucking into the back of me. “You need to sleep, and if you keep your eyes on me like that, you won’t be getting any.”
I sucked in, my thighs clenching at his claim. I did need to sleep. I had barely slept in the last week, but being near him kept the monster he woke needy and wanting.
He snuggled into me, his palm curling under the shirt, spreading over my bare stomach. “Close your eyes.”
“Right.” I let out a clipped laugh. Did he not understand that just being in the same room had me achy and yearning? I was pressed against him with his hand touching me, and he expected me to sleep?
“Relax,” he muttered in my ear.
Exhaling, I tried to ease the tension in my body. The warmth and security of him around me quickly loosened my muscles like a warm bath, though my mind still flicked around, avoiding the big issues, landing on things I shouldn’t be fussing about.
Except I was.
“What?” He sighed.
“What, what?”
“Remember, I’m a trained op.” He nuzzled my ear. “I can hear the thoughts buzzing in your head.”
“No, you can’t.”
“Spence, from day one, I have been keenly aware of every minuscule movement, expression, and noise of yours.”
“Really?” I twisted around to him. “Noise of mine?”
The side of his mouth curved up. “To the tiniest of sighs, gasps, and… moans.”
Air hauled through my nose, my cheeks flushing.
“Now say what you want to ask me.” He smirked like he already knew.
“Bloody hell, I’ll bet you’re fun to surprise on your birthday,” I grumbled, turning away from him.
“Not really one for surprises.”
“No kidding,” I snorted.
“For you, I’ll pretend to be surprised.” He pressed into me, wrapping firmer around me. “Now ask me.”
“Fine.” I hated I was going to utter these words out loud. I was such a girl. “You said you had a lot of sex.” I cringed as I said it. “How many have you brought here before now?”
His teeth nipped at my ear. “None.”
“What?” I gazed back at him.
He leaned up on his elbow, peering down at me smugly. “I’ve been married for almost four years.”
“So you never…?”
“I didn’t cheat on my wife the two years we were together if that’s what you are insinuating. But for these last two? Yeah, there have been a few. Do we really need to talk about it?”
I stared at him until he sighed.
“Three.” He rubbed at his scruff. “The first was right after I returned to duty after being by her side for weeks. The doctor confirmed there was no hope. Everything hit me—all the misery, regret, guilt, and death. I felt like I was drowning. Ironic after my sister, but that’s exactly how I felt. It was one of my darkest times. I saw no light, no hope, only endless pain and agony. I contemplated ending it that night.”
My chest ballooned, acute terror at the idea of him not in this world, that I would never have known him, cut through my vocals.
“The day I returned to the field was a really tough day. An innocent little boy died in my arms after a market was attacked. It snapped something in me. My mates sensed it, and a few dragged me to a local bar where we were stationed. I drank until I didn’t feel. She was there and made me feel good, like I was some other guy for a night—one who didn’t hold endless grief, pain, and guilt. I wanted to feel again. Anything but agony, you know?”
“I totally get that,” I uttered, touching his face. “I would have done the same.”
He lifted an eyebrow.
“You said I was strong, but Jesus, Lennox. What you’ve gone through? The horrors not just in your personal life, but in combat? I can’t imagine.”
“I barely remember being with her, and in honesty, it really wasn’t about her. But instead of feeling guilty the next day, I felt a speck of hope. Maybe the darkness wouldn’t totally consume me, and that I got through the lowest moment and crawled out of the hole. In a way that night saved my life.”
“Magical pussy.” I nodded.
“Bloody hell.” Lennox burst out laughing, his deep howl echoing and bouncing through the room, spreading sheer joy and giddiness in my veins, widening my mouth in a huge grin. His uninhibited laugh burst in my chest like the most rare, powerful, beautiful song. “Damn, Spencer.” He chuckled, shaking his head, his smile glinting his eyes, staring down at me. “I never can predict what’s gonna come out of your mouth.”
“Believe me, my mother can painfully concur with that.”
“I love it.” He leaned forward, his mouth brushing mine. “Do you know how rarely I’m taken unaware in life? I’m trained to be ready, perceiving behaviors and events before they happen. Except with you. No one has ever snuck out on me…ever. And you did it twice.”
“Glad to be able to keep you up on your toes,” I murmured against his lips.
“Not the only thing you keep up.” He kissed me, pulling away and taking a deep breath. “You need to get some sleep.”
“You didn’t finish. Who was your second?”
He frowned, probably hoping this conversation was over. Tipping his head, his mouth pinned together.
“Right.” My palm smacked at my forehead. “Hazel.”
“No. She was the last one.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, coiling a snake in my gut. A feeling of dread washed over me.
“Who was the second?” Apprehensively, I let the question slide out.
“Katy.”
“Katy?” I sputtered, sitting up. “As in the horse trainer for the Royal House, Katy?”
He nodded, his expression blank.
“I knew it.” I hit my fists into the bed, recalling the way her gaze possessively crawled over him. Behind her sweetness laid claws. “She wanted you so bad, I thought she’d take me out and hide my body under the hay piles, then you told her who I was.” I snorted, remembering the way her shoulders eased when Lennox told her who I was. Not a threat. “Was it before or after that?”
“Does it matter?”
“After then.”
“It was once, and it was a mistake. It was during the time I disappeared.” Yes, I remembered. That week I was miserable, but I didn’t I let myself recognize the reason why. Now I could see how much I hated him being gone. I felt like something was missing. I kept searching for him, then chastising myself for it. “It was Gracie’s birthday. Her family makes it this big deal.” His eyes pinched in the corners. “The years before I didn’t think about it, knowing it was something they needed to do. But this year, it hit me. What complete torture it was for all of us, including Gracie, to be celebrating something she will never have again. A life. And all I kept thinking about was wanting to get back to you, which just twisted my guilt and loathing into abhorrence. I could barely sit still, be in my own skin.” He leaned his head back into the pillow, his attention on the ceiling. “I kept telling myself it was the job I wanted to get back to, not you, but even then, I knew it was a complete lie.
“She found me in a moment of weakness. I was a piss arse drunk in a pub after spending the day at the hospital. Angry at the world. My situation. Myself. You. I wasn’t really in the right frame of mind, but I didn’t stop her when she took me back to her place. Let me say it was awkward the next morning. I was honest, telling her I wasn’t looking for anyone.”
“Have you talked since?”
“She has texted and called, and I’ve tried to be brief in my responses.”
I was never a jealous person. I was okay with sharing Theo with the world, knowing the thousands of women, models, actresses, and singers pined for him and fantasized about him. It never bothered me.
With Lennox, my gut burned with jealousy, but I pushed it back down, liking how open he was with me.
“And then there was Hazel.” My vocals strained. Katy was cute, beautiful even, but Hazel was stunning. I mean, the girl had actually walked the runway in top fashion shows around the world. She was a harder pill to swallow, feeling like a nerdy schoolgirl next to her, and especially because she was also a “friend” in our group. Around him. “In the room right across from mine.”
He adjusted his hand under his head, not responding.
“Would love to block the image out of my head,” I grumbled, flashes of her coming out of his room, mussed, cheeks glowing from being thoroughly fucked, returning like a bad rerun.
“I don’t do regrets anymore. It was a promise I made to myself after that dark time. But if I could only take back one, it would be that one.”
“Really? Why that one? Have you seen Hazel?”
He shifted uncomfortably, staring out the windows.
“No lies between us now.” I tipped my head to the side, staring down on him.
“I wasn’t going to lie. I’m just not sure the truth will help.”
“Try me.”
He rubbed at his cheek, sucking in. “Besides doing the one thing I told myself I’d never do, sleep with someone associated with my job, I already told you I slept with her because I couldn’t be with you. But there was another thing you didn’t know. She knew. Called me out.”
“Huh?” My eyes widened.
His forehead wrinkled. “The night in the club…it took everything I had not to kiss you. I mean everything, but I knew you weren’t in your right mind. Whatever was between us even then couldn’t be hidden. Hazel noticed.”
Holy crap, Hazel knew? Recalling her now, I remembered certain looks, certain things she said, which confirm that.
“When we got back, and I got you up to your room? You almost broke me.”
“Broke you?”
“My willpower was already paper-thin. You started to undress, dancing around your bedroom. Badly, may I add. Tripping and stumbling, but it was so fuckin’ adorable. And still hot as hell. But what almost toppled me over was the fact you said my name every time you looked in my eyes. I knew you didn’t see Theo, and that almost destroyed my resolve. But I walked away, knowing it was for the best. She confronted me in the hallway, warned me of all I had to lose. She suggested we use each other.” Lennox shrugged. “I had no hope of having you, so I took her up on it.” He huffed. “Didn’t help me at all.”
“No?” My eyebrows curved up. “Hazel is like every man’s fantasy.”
Lennox’s head jerked to me, his irises heating as he sat up, flattening my back onto the bed.
“Clearly not mine.” He crawled over me, settling between my legs. “She’s a lovely girl, but I like them awkward, blunt, unpredictable, defiant, and stubborn as hell.” He claimed my mouth, his hips rolling into mine, instantly igniting flames down my spine.
His hand traveled down, pushing my knickers to the side, his fingers sliding through me.
“Oh, god.” My back arched.
“I was supposed to let you sleep.” He dove in deeper, pumping in and out. “But I can’t seem to stop myself when I’m around you anymore. You finally broke me.”
I couldn’t get any words out, my breath heaving as I moved against him.
“I can’t get enough of you.” He pushed up the shirt, his mouth taking in my breast, flicking at my nipple, creating a noise deep in my chest. “There’s one of the moans I love.” He moved to the other breast. “Let me see how loud I can get them.” He nipped and licked down my stomach, sliding down my underwear, his tongue spreading through me.
Loud and unfiltered, a cry broke from my lips, my nails raking through his hair.
“You taste so fuckin’ good.” He slid his hands under my arse, holding me against him as he devoured and took.
Cries, moans, and screams of his name purged from my mouth like I was possessed before I exploded with pleasure, reaching a place I never knew existed.
When he entered me, our bodies moving together, it was so sensual, so slow and deep, I could no longer differentiate between us. He had claimed me in every way. I knew my heart was a goner.
There would be no coming back from this.
No matter what lay ahead.
Frothy morning light seeped through the spitting clouds, quietly waking me up. Rain tapped lightly against the glass as wisps of fog snaked over the river and street below. People rushed down the pavement to the train for work or school, bundled up against the cold.
Lennox’s naked body encased me in warmth. His steady breathing against my neck made me smile happily. After one of the most intense orgasms of my life, we both passed out, exhaustion giving me over to slumber without one nightmare. I hadn’t slept so soundly in months, probably since moving into the palace, making me see how long I hadn’t been relaxed or comfortable.
Lennox stirred behind me, a low hum vibrating from his chest. “You’re here,” he muttered into my hair, his arms circling me, shifting up my bare stomach.
“You have the coffee, where did you think I’d go?”
He snorted. “Several times I bolted awake, thinking I had just dreamed you being here.” He growled, his erection pushing against my arse, forcing me to bite my lip.
“You know, under all those gruff layers, you are actually very sweet.” I grinned to myself, knowing that would totally needle him.
“I’m not sweet.” He huffed, pinning my back to the bed, rolling on me, a snarl wrinkling his nose.
“Ah, come on, you are a softy,” I teased, loving the feel of his weight on me. I wanted to stay like this all day.
“Does that feel soft to you?” He shifted his hips into me, cutting off my argument with a sharp gasp. His mouth came down on mine, devouring me with hunger. “And what I want to do to you is anything but sweet.”
Our mouths veered quickly to frantic, my legs wrapping around him, my head spinning with the feel of him sliding through me. “Lennox…” I moaned, my nails raking up his firm arse, pulling him into me with desperation, needing him inside me more than air. I never wanted to stop touching, hearing his voice, seeing his smile. His smell, his body, his fingers caressed my skin. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. If the world was burning up, flipped over, and razed to rubble, there still would be nothing to stop me from getting to the man next to me.
He was right. This was going to be a problem.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
A pounding on the door boomed through the space, jolting us, our heads twisting to the door.
“What the fuck?” Lennox muttered under his breath.
“Lennox, my boy? You there?” A man’s voice came through the door, thick with a northern Victorian accent. “Your doorman let me up.”
“Shite.” Lennox scrambled off me, grabbing the briefs on the floor while tossing me the t-shirt he had torn off me last night, both of us rushing to cover up as the doorknob jangled, unlocking.
This person had a key?
“Hold on!” Lennox yanked up his boxers, sprinting for the door.
I yanked down the shirt, scuttling out of the bed, searching. “Where are my knickers?” I hissed.
He shook his head, having no idea where in the tangled sheets he tossed them.
“Lennox?” The man tapped again.
Lennox’s lids squeezed together for a moment. Taking in a deep breath, he straightened up before tugging the door open.
“Arthur,” he said on an exhale, his jaw twitching. “Now is not a good—”
Arthur.
I had heard that name…oh, feck me sideways…
Gracie’s father.
“It’s never a good time with you, my boy.” Arthur chuckled, pushing past him, closing the door. Looking to be in his late sixties, Arthur wasn’t a very big man, but his pudgy stomach gave him substance. He had pale skin, white hair, and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. He wore khaki trousers, wool jumper, and boots, the rain dampening his jacket and hat. “I brought you some fresh scones. Mary knows how much you love them.” He lifted his hand carrying a paper bag. “She wanted to make sure you were eating something since we hardly see you any—” Arthur stilled, his eyes landing on me, freezing him in place.
“Arthur…” Lennox said his name, packing so much subtext into two syllables.
The man continued to stare at me, strained silence twirling around the room as he took in the t-shirt I was wearing, my messy hair, and bare legs. Absently, I tugged at the hem of Lennox’s shirt, trying to pull it past my thighs.
“Well, I guess I understand why we haven’t seen much of you lately,” Arthur replied lowly, turning back to Lennox, his voice not giving anything away.
“Arthur, this is Spencer Sutton.” Lennox’s voice strained as he spoke, nodding to me. “Spencer, this is Arthur Clarke.”
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Clarke.” My voice cracked, sweat beading the back of my neck. And people thought meeting the parents while half-naked was embarrassing, try meeting your lover’s wife’s father? That was a whole new level of awkwardness.
Arthur stared at me, his lids fluttering with realization. “Spencer Sutton?” He shot at Lennox, his chest puffing. “The Spencer Sutton who is going to be marrying the prince of Great Victoria?”
“Arthur…”
“That Spencer Sutton? The one the King of Great Victoria asked you to protect? Tell me, boy…”
“Yes.”
“What the fuck are you doing, Lennox?” His cheeks flushed with anger.
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand!” Arthur boomed, his arms flying out. “Have you completely lost your mind?” Arthur’s insipid aura flipped, filling the room with his anger and confusion, his face flushed. “Believe me; I understand a man has needs, that there might be a few affairs while you waited for Gracie to get better. I could easily overlook those and pretend they didn’t happen when you returned to your marriage bed with my daughter.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Lennox’s shoulders heaved up, his eyes flashing. “Do you hear yourself, Arthur?”
“Gracie would understand. Men have needs.”
“What a load of shite!” Lennox exclaimed. “Gracie might forgive me, but I never would have if there were hope. That’s a pathetic and weak excuse to cheat on your wife.”
“And here you are, doing just that!” Arthur motioned to me, his voice growing louder with each sentence. “With the Prince’s fiancée! How stupid does that make you? You are cheating on your wife! On my baby girl!”
“Goddamit, Arthur!” Lennox bellowed, his arms flying out. I could sense something snap in him, the truth wanting to be released, years of it being bitten back. “I’m not cheating on Gracie! She’s gone! She has been since the day you put her in there, over two years ago. She’s brain dead, Arthur. I’m sorry, but she is not coming back. Ever. You need to accept that. And forcing her to stay tied to her body, to this earth because you can’t let her go, is not fair to Gracie. To you and Mary, or me. She deserves peace.”
Arthur froze in place, his barrel chest stretched out to capacity, his coloring a deep crimson.
The tension was so thick, it felt like the air was even holding its breath; the only sound was the pattering of rain against the windows.
“I’m sorry,” Lennox sighed, scrubbing at his head, his shoulders drooping.
“You. Should. Be.” Arthur bit out, his frame stiff and cold.
“I’m not sorry for what I said,” Lennox volleyed. “It’s all true. But I shouldn’t have let it come out like that. I’ve been holding on to it for too long. Trying to be the son-in-law you wanted, trying to ease the pain of what happened to Gracie because I felt responsible. That it was my fault. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep living like this. Gracie isn’t the only one you are trapping.”
Arthur inhaled sharply, his skin turning almost purple. “I know you filed for divorce. I kept it from Mary, knowing it would break her heart.” His hands rolled into fists, crinkling the bag in his hand. “But go ahead. Shatter the woman who has been a mother to you. Go ahead and abandon my little girl. The only one who ever stood next to you, who loved you so much she fought me to marry you. That’s right. If we’re going for honesty, I didn’t want her to marry you. Tragedy follows you like the plague. You only bring people down in your darkness, and I knew you would destroy her in the end. But she was fiercely loyal to you. And if it were you in the coma, she would be by your bedside every day, believing you’d come out of it.”
Arthur’s gaze darted to me for a moment, chucking the bag in his hand onto the coffee table. “So, remember while you live your life, Gracie will never have that chance…because of you. You did destroy her in the end.” He shoved his stubby finger at Lennox’s face before stomping out, the door slamming with a reverberating bang, slashing through the room like a knife.
Lennox stared at the ground, not moving or speaking; torment engraved across his features.
I wasn’t good at this stuff. I didn’t know what to do to make this better. What could you say to that?
Anger boiled under my skin the more I thought of Arthur’s cutting words. He may be lashing out from grief, but to say those things to Lennox? To a man who already carried so much guilt on his shoulders, who already blamed himself for Gracie predicament? It wasn’t Lennox’s fault, and it wasn’t fair to lay that on him.
Doing the only thing I could think of, I strode up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, molding myself to him, my body telling him what no words could. Not yet, anyway.
He didn’t respond for a long time, but I didn’t let go, and slowly his arms wrapped around me, tucking me fiercely into his body. His face burrowed into my neck, breathing me in with staggered breaths, not letting himself totally give in to the pain.
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered against his skin. “Arthur knows it too. Gracie was unwell. That’s not on you. Our actions are our own, no one else’s.”
He shuddered, a croaked noise coming from the depth of his chest.
“But he was right in one thing. Tragedy does follow me. You need to run far away from me. I ruin and destroy everyone who gets near me.”
“Stop.” I leaned back, gripping his face in my hands. His eyes were red, his expression twisted, but he didn’t let one tear fall. “That’s utter bullshite. You have done the exact opposite for me. I was letting myself drown, losing myself and who I was—allowing others to dictate my fate. You were the one to wake me up, to make me face the truth. You reminded me who I really was, what I wanted in this one life we get.” I gripped his jaw harder, forcing him to look at me. “I’ve never felt so alive. So happy…” I touched my nose to his, feeling his hands grip the sides of my head. “I love you, Lennox. So much, there is no possible way to deny it. I’m stupidly and completely in love with you.”
“Fuck.” He hissed in, his grip clenching my head, drawing me into him with frantic desperation, his lips inhaling me. “I wish I was a better man, forcing you to run away from me while you can…but I’m not. Like I said, I’m not sweet or good.” He kissed me so deeply, I could feel it in every cell of my body, spinning my head. “I’m selfish and greedy—especially when it comes to you. I’m not letting you go.”
“Good thing. Because I’m selfish and greedy when it comes to you too. You aren’t getting rid of me now.” I went on my toes, seizing his mouth brutally. He moaned, picking me up, my legs wrapping around him as he carried me back to the bed.
The day might not have started how I imagined, meeting Gracie’s father in such a way. But oddly, confronting the past actually gave me hope for the future.
Our future.