Beads of sweat dampened my neck and armpits; every move I made was under intense scrutiny and judgment: how I sat, picked up a utensil, sipped my wine, or spoke.
The dowager queen watched me out of the corner of her eye, and outright, like a hawk waiting for the precise moment to swoop down on her prey. Theo watched me on my other side, while Eloise and Hazel glared at me from across the table. They had me covered. If this crazy stalker person decided they wanted to come in and kill me, they’d have to wait in line.
Low chatter hummed in the room as our main course was served. It took everything I had not to speed eat, hoping we could get through the evening faster. These dinners were painful on a good day.
My attention remained on the wine glass in front of me. This society was still so archaic and misogynistic that women weren’t supposed to finish a full glass of wine. Though the waiters were always circling, topping it off, so you might have several, you weren’t supposed to go below the halfway mark. It was deemed unladylike.
I was about two seconds away from saying fuck it.
“It is quite irregular for bodyguards to join a dinner party at a private residence, let alone be in the room as we eat.” Anne cut into her already sliced piece of filet mignon, taking a bite so small I wondered why she even bothered.
“I suppose it is.” I took a sip of wine, my façade cool and unruffled, but on the inside, I was like a cartoon character running around screaming and flailing about.
She frowned at my lack of response.
“That is all you have to say on the matter?”
“There was a threat, Grannie,” Theo spoke around me.
“There is always a threat.” She rolled her eyes like we were drama queens.
“This one was more credible. They wanted to take extra precautions.” Theo’s hand came down on my leg. “Especially for Spencer.”
“The threat was for her?” Grannie’s eyebrows went up, then returned to her dish. “I wouldn’t think she would be worth threatening.”
Ouch. The comment was subtle and thrown away like she didn’t just stab me—zing one for Grannie.
“It was for all of us, but they singled Spencer out.” Theo’s hand moved up and down my thigh as I darted my gaze to him. He kept his head forward, acting like he didn’t feel my eyes burning into him.
“Theo,” I ground out, barely loud enough for him to hear.
“What?” He smiled widely, leaning into my ear. “We’re supposed to be acting like two people in love.” His lips grazed my ear. “Like we can’t keep our hands off each other.” He kissed my cheek, then turned his head to his other seat partner, chatting with Duke Henry, his hand staying firmly on my upper thigh.
Don’t lose it. Don’t lose it here.
My skin prickled with the sensation of eyes on me. I didn’t have to look. I could feel Lennox behind me, his gaze burning into the back of my neck.
“So…Spencer,” Anne’s lips twisted down as she clicked her tongue. “Who names a girl Spencer anyway? It’s so masculine and harsh on the tongue and even worse on the ear.”
“I was named after my great-great-grandfather, Lord Spencer.” I stabbed at the fish on my plate, the Prime Minister kindly recalling I didn’t eat red meat when everyone in the Royal House did. “He was the King’s best friend, was he not? You probably remember…you were around then, weren’t you?”
Anne’s mouth parted, choking slightly on her bite of food.
Zing one for Spencer.
“Around then? What nonsense.” She quickly gathered herself. “And his best friend? What are we, in school? Neither men nor kings have best friends, as you adorably put it.” She took a sip of her wine, staring off as if she was recalling a memory. “Hmm…Lord Spencer, yes, I think he was spoken of with great respect. I can only imagine his disappointment at what has happened to your family name since then.”
Zing two. Bloody hell, this woman was good.
“Good thing he’s long dead then.”
She pressed her lips, her head shaking. “You don’t think I can see what is going on with you?” Her voice was steady and controlled but full of implications.
My tongue swelled. “What do you mean?”
“You have no real desire to be part of this revered monarchy. You are stepping into one of the most prestigious roles in the world. Women groomed from birth covet the chance to be deemed worthy of being chosen. Yet, here you are. Merely by marrying my grandson, you will be allowed to be addressed as princess, and then you will be queen. Once you marry, there is no turning back. You are part of this family and will be called upon to act like it. You will be the dutiful wife and queen, no matter what private issues are going on.” Everything in her face and words was always so even and cool; no one would suspect she was using you as a dartboard. “Will you be the princess the public and press never really accepts, or will you accept your role and duty here?”
None of those. I had to clench my jaw together, my tongue eager to spout the response.
“I am going to be blunt with you, Spencer.”
“You haven’t been so far?”
Her lips compressed. “I do not feel you are right for my grandson.”
Neither do I. “You’ve already made that clear.”
“I do not feel you are up to par to be princess, queen, or even a wife to Theodore.”
“Nothing new so far.”
Her eye twitched. I don’t think she was used to being sassed back to.
“Theo is young and foolish, choosing with his heart instead of his head. Hearts never choose wisely; they choose the moment, not what’s best for the long-term. He will regret you.”
“But it will be his regret. His choice. Not yours.”
Her shoulders puffed up. I was sure no one had ever challenged her. She expected me to fold, crumble under her ruthless scrutiny and words. The Spencer before would have. But little did she know, I didn’t fold for anyone anymore, especially for the Royal House.
“I know you are hiding something. I can smell it,” she hissed loud enough for only me to hear. “I will find out what it is. If I can stop my grandson from making such a misstep in choosing you, I will.”
I picked up my glass, a smile curling my lips. “Here’s to your quest, then.”
Her lids narrowed, her head leaning back in shock and speculation.
“Now, if our getting to know each other talk is over, I’d like to enjoy the rest of my dinner.”
She gaped at me, stunned into utter silence.
Damn, that felt good. Twice tonight, I had stood up for myself to those trying to intimidate me. Bullies usually were the ones to crumble when they were challenged. Guess the mouse wasn’t ready to go down.
Cheering my glass in the air, I sipped far past what I was supposed to, winking at her when she gasped at my inappropriate behavior.
Her eyes lowered into slits, her mouth puckering before she huffed, completely turning away from me to the person on her other side, deliberately giving me her back—very much a sign I had been snubbed.
I grinned. Bloody hell, she hated me. But honestly, what did it matter? She was going to anyway, might as well make her really appreciate the next girl in Theo’s life.
“Darling.” Theo’s fingers dug into my inner thigh. “Are you being nice to Grannie?”
“Me being nice to her?” I sputtered. “I don’t think she needs any protection.”
“Spencer.” He eyed the wine glass I was still milking, leaning into my ear. “Enough.”
An order. A king telling his subject, a husband controlling his wife. A foreshadowing of what would have been our life, of me being forced to stay in the lines.
I shot him a look as I took one more sip before setting it back down. Fuck you. I shot him. I’m doing this for you.
You owe me. His narrowed lids countered. This mess is all your fault.
Maybe, but I’ve had my fill of being walked over.
“We are doing something special in the drawing room for dessert and coffee.” Paul spoke at the end of the long table, his light, pleasant voice a contradiction to the climate I sat in. “Your Majesty?” The table waited for the King to rise first. Most of us weren’t finished, but when the King was done, everyone was done.
Alexander and Catherine rose, the room responding in kind.
Scooting his chair back and rising, Theo leaned over and kissed me, acting like nothing but love was between us. “Let’s not fight,” he muttered against my mouth, pulling me up with him.
A forced cough behind me twisted my head enough to see Lennox, his glower drilling into Theo, which only made the prince smile wider.
“Your guard looks particularly red in the face. Maybe he’s coming down with something.” Theo threaded our hands together, pointing us for the doorway.
“A case of insufferable prince-itis,” Lennox growled under his breath.
Theo grinned widely. “Better than a deceitful, backstabbing friend and employee. Someone who steals other men’s women.”
“Can’t steal something that didn’t want to be taken,” Lennox knifed back.
“Oh, look at you two!” A woman’s voice cut over to us. It was instant, Theo and I clicking into our roles, smiling politely.
“Duchess Caroline.” Theo tipped his head at the old woman. “It’s so good to see you. Can I say you look remarkable?”
“Oh, such a charmer! Just like your father.” She swished her hand at him. “You two are such a beautiful couple. To see two people so in love, it does wonders for this old heart.” she gushed, pressing her hands into her chest.
My thin smile twisted tighter as Theo’s hand went to my bare back, staring at me with overdramatic moony eyes.
“Aren’t we, though?” He sighed, his thumb pushing into my spine. “I just can’t put into words what I feel about this girl.”
“Oh, darling, the feeling is mutual.” Thick honey poured from my lips.
“Young love,” Caroline sighed. “Your children are going to be so beautiful; I can already see it.”
“Spencer expressed to me she wants at least five or six straight away, didn’t you, my love?” He nudged me in the side when I didn’t answer.
“Mmmm-hmmm.” I clutched his hand so hard, he yanked it away with a yip.
Caroline’s forehead scrunched, but she kept her smile large, her attention drifting to the figure behind me, her happy manner shifting to that of a predator. “And who is this delicious specimen? Are you my dessert?”
“This is Spencer’s bodyguard, Lennox,” Theo spoke easily, not a note of anything but good feelings.
“My lady.” Lennox bowed to the woman, only causing her pallid skin to pink.
“I have it on good authority he has a thing for noblewomen,” Theo stage whispered to her with a wink, his arm coming around to my hip.
“Oh, such a tease!” She waved her hand again, but her hungry eyes flew to Lennox with a hopeful glint. “Well, I just want to congratulate you two. I will see you again at your Holiday party the day after tomorrow.” She started to turn, her gaze stopping. “I hope I will see you there too.” Her stare dropped down Lennox’s body hungrily. She let out a breathy exhale before waddling away.
Theo burst out laughing. In an instant, our fronts dropped away, turning on each other.
“You are such an arsehole,” Lennox spat.
“Is that how thieving employees address their employers?” Theo curved an eyebrow at him.
“No one stole me.” I shook free of his touch. “I am my own person.”
“Are you? Looks like you just bounced from one bed to another.”
Lennox lurched, but I stepped between them, getting in Theo’s face.
“What really hurts me is I know this isn’t you. And one day, I hope when you come out of this, you will see I did the right thing.”
“Right thing? By sleeping with my mate?”
I took a deep breath, controlling my temper. “I know what’s coming out of your mouth is because I hurt you. I hurt my friend deeply, and I will forever carry that with me. But there’s only so far I will take the lashings. You are making it very hard to remember the guy I used to love.”
“Love?” He huffed, a flicker of angry pain in his eyes. “You have no idea what it means.”
“I did love you, Theo.” I took his hand. He flinched but didn’t pull away. “I’m sorry it couldn’t be enough, that I wasn’t meant to be the woman standing next to you. But I’m not. Maybe not now, but someday you will know how right I am.”
“Whatever makes you feel better, Spencer.” He ripped his hand away. “All I know is the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with cheated on me, making me the fool down on one knee.”
He still didn’t get it. He was the one who made himself the fool. I ended things earlier, begged him to stop. But he put us on stage, forced me to act in a play I didn’t want to be cast in…and then blamed me.
“You know what? I need you to leave.” He stepped back, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“What?” I peered around at the still lively party. Hours of torture still lay ahead of us.
“I want you to go. Now.” He tried to hide the fury in his face but failed.
“My absence won’t be seen as some insult or embarrassment to you?” I tilted my head, condescension hinting at the edges.
“I will tell them you got a headache. I’m already giving my wife excuses. Blame it on the bombing. Just get away from me. Both of you.”
I stared at him.
“I don’t want to see you until the Royal party. After Christmas, this will be done, and we can go our separate ways. Finally.”
“What will you say? Why am I not staying in the palace?”
“I don’t know; I’ll figure it out. But don’t think anyone will actually be wondering or notice your absence in the house. The only one who did was Eloise. And I doubt she wants you around.”
Ouch. But most likely true. I blinked back the hurt, nodding my head. “Okay.”
“Why are you still here?” He scowled. “Go,” he barked, the smugness he held earlier was gone, like realized he was losing a game and no longer wanted to play.
“Spencer, come on.” Lennox’s hand touched my back, my body instantly responding to his touch, curving to him.
“Yes, obey the married twat, the one you chose over me,” he jeered, drinking the rest of the wine in his glass. This guy was new to me, someone I didn’t know how to deal with. As much as I still cared about him, I realized it was no longer my place to try.
I dipped my head, stepping back into Lennox’s palm.
“Go out the back,” Theo muttered, grabbing a half-empty bottle on the table and refilling his glass, not looking at us.
“Spence,” Lennox whispered in my ear, prodding me to move. I took a step, my eyes not leaving Theo, knowing I had done this to him. He used to be so happy—sweet and charming. Nothing fazed him. Now anger lit his eyes and hurt hung violently on his shoulders, his pain whipping off his tongue in hurtful lashes.
Lennox muttered into his earpiece, knowing exactly where to take us to get out privately. A car waited for us the moment we stepped out, ready to take us back to the palace. Cameras flashed at the tinted windows, the royal car noticed by the papzz, hoping to get a peek at who was inside, leaving early. A few even tried to follow us.
“You all right?” Lennox asked from his seat across from me, preferring the spot where he could see what was coming up behind us.
I dug my nails into my skin, trying not to cry. “I don’t even know anymore.” My sentence came out broken.
“Hey.” Lennox reached for me, his hands squeezing my knees. “We’ll get through this.”
“Will we?” I brushed quickly at an unshed tear. “Do you ever wonder if it’s all worth it? All this pain and agony I’m causing?”
“So, will you marry Theo out of guilt? Be in a loveless marriage full of resentment and jealousy, become queen, which I know you don’t want, go to endless events, in heels, all because it’s less complicated than to break it off?”
“It’s just so much. This would be hard enough if Theo were a normal guy. But I’m engaged to the Prince of Great Victoria. You think it will stop just because I end it with him? Unlinking myself from the house will be unbelievably bad.” My watery eyes looked up at Lennox. “But it won’t end there. You get that, right? This won’t end. The media already hounds me and shreds me into pieces. Can you imagine what they will say when our engagement ends? It doesn’t matter what comments the RH puts up. They will come after me. My family, friends, you. It will hit everyone I love. When they find out about us? Because they will. They will rip us open, spill all your secrets—Gracie and your sister. I’m scared that no matter what you feel right now, you won’t be able to get through that. That it will tear us apart. I will be your Theo…”
“Your Theo?”
I gulped, my throat thick. “Loving me won’t be enough.”
His eyes stayed trained on me for a moment before a smile hinted on his mouth, making me furrow in confusion. I just laid out my worst fear, and he was smiling?
“What?” I huffed.
“You think I’m in love with you?”
Oh, shite.
Fire stung my cheeks, drying out my throat. “No…I didn’t mean…oh, fuck. That came out wrong.” I babbled like the awkward idiot I was.
His smile showed fully on his face as he leaned over, cupping my cheeks. “Bloody hell, I love seeing you get all flustered and tongue-tied.” His forehead leaned into mine. “I was messing with you, Spence. You were freaking out, getting far ahead of yourself. We can only take on what’s in front of us. But yes, I know it will become a shite show. I’m not a fool; I understand what is coming. And I don’t care.”
“You don’t care?” I asked skeptically. “Really? Your past will be dragged through the mud. They will call you horrible things.”
“I know what my past is, what I did. I also know what really happened. Let them talk and speculate. All I care about is what you think.” He pressed his mouth to mine gently. “I’m not someone who can confess easily how I feel. I’ve only told two women in my life that. One was related to me, and both are dead now because of me.”
I flinched, feeling his pain like it was my own.
“So I probably won’t say it as much as you want, but if you think I’m here for just a bit of fun, luv, I can find a hell of a lot simpler than you pretty much anywhere else.”
“Hey, now.” I leaned back.
He chuckled, drawing me back to him. “I’m here, Spencer. To stay, if you want me. And I will have no problem showing you every day, many times, if you need me to.” He kissed me, his taste instantly calming and rallying my desire into a frenzy. “And you wonder if I ever thought if this was all worth it?”
A bad boy smile took the side of his face. “Fuck, yes, it is!”