They wait for me under the cover of shadow. The gasification towers loom behind them, relics from a past that seems more distant every time I come. The tip of a cigar glows bright as James takes it to his lips. They stand shoulder to shoulder. James, muscular and bald-headed. Aydan, lean, with a full head of black hair as thick as the night. A large Harley is parked to the side, ticking as the engine cools off. The night is cloudy. A humid breeze makes the air feel thick, like a wet wall.
I walk in their direction with firm steps, even though my knees feel like rubber. My heart races. I curse my need for this man’s approval. I curse the fact that I ever met him, that I ever let him down.
About five paces away, I stop, head buzzing. James drops his cigar on the ground and steps on it. A cloud of smoke whirls around him. An awful burnt vanilla smell wafts through the air. He once told me he smoked to keep his monsters under control, even if it is a hideous habit that might one day kill him.
I wait for them to say something. Aydan nods, but that’s all.
“Hello, James,” I say.
His only response is a narrow-eyed look.
All the explanations I’ve ever imagined telling him crowd next to each other inside my mouth, but I know they’re all unnecessary excuses. He will make up his own mind about me. He will believe I’m in control or he will not. Either way, he might still blame me for my recklessness or for my weakness, for the death of his friend. I have no idea which way it’ll go. What I do know is that nothing I tell him will make a difference.
“I assume Aydan has explained my situation,” I say.
James gives Aydan a sideways glance. “He has.”
I put my hand in my pocket. James tenses, his eyes sharp, attentive to my every move. I’ve brought them a new thumb drive loaded with a large database full of names and addresses. My fingers play with the small device, rolling it end over end, but I don’t pull it out. Not yet.
“I’ve gained access to Elliot’s private network, and I’ve found some information that I think can be key in our fight against his faction.”
The word “our” feels sour in my mouth. Every human resisting the Eklyptors shares the same struggles, so, in that sense it is “our” fight. But I’m not part of James’s team. And that is the “our” I am referring to—a possessive adjective I can’t use without his permission.
“Get to the point,” James says curtly.
“Yes, of course.” I pull my hand out of my pocket, the thumb drive between my fingers. “I have a list of every reproductively capable Eklyptor in Elliot’s faction.”
I let that sink in. A million thoughts seem to pass behind James’s eyes, all revealed by a tightening of his expression and a slight twitching of his upper lip. He exchanges a loaded look with Aydan. They understand better than anyone what this can mean.
“I have their names and addresses,” I continue. “Most of them stay together under Elliot’s protection. Here, in Seattle, there are about twenty safe houses, and it’s the same elsewhere. Proportionally to Eklyptor numbers, the reproductively capable are not as many as I had imagined. If we strike, if we take them out, they wouldn’t be able to infect anyone else. We would slow down their progress. Then it would just become a matter of fighting and winning. Of body count. If they can’t turn anymore of us, they become a fixed number. Their armies would stop growing.
“And there’s something else you should know. Elliot is planning a meeting with Zara Hailstone. The Seattle resistance has weakened them, right? So I think they want to join forces. And if that happens, I doubt the city will stand a chance. I know they will meet at Elliot’s headquarters. I just don’t know when, but it will be soon. I may even be able to find out the exact day and time now that I have access to his personal calendar and email.”
James takes a step closer. “Aydan may trust you, but I find all this very hard to believe. I saw you kill Oso. The girl I knew would’ve never done that.”
My fingers wrap around the thumb drive and hide it inside a clenched fist. I remember the wet stickiness in my fingers as I fought my way back. I remember Oso’s shocked expression. I remember James’s hands around my neck. Does he remember the same? Will he ever be able to pretend it wasn’t me?
He takes another step, forcing me to look up. “I say you’re here to trick us, to lay a nice little trap to draw us out and finish us.”
My vision wavers with unshed tears. In this moment, I hate James McCray with all I’ve got. I hate that he reminds me of Dad and that I doggedly look up to him even when I’d rather not.
“James—” Aydan begins.
James puts a hand up to silence him. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
“There’s nothing to say.” I inhale deeply and don’t blink. “It’s my fault that The Tank was destroyed, that Oso is dead. I tried to be strong, and I was … in the end. But it wasn’t enough. I live with it every day.” Tears find their way out against my will. I rake them away, angrily running my forearm over my face.
“Marci doesn’t cry,” James says.
“Fuck you,” I say between clenched teeth.
He smirks. “And I’m not sure she curses either.”
My fists shake with anger. I want to punch his teeth out, but he’s too damn fast. I wouldn’t even be able to hit his shadow.
“She does have a temper, though.” James puts a hand on my shoulder. “For all our sakes, I do hope it’s you.” He puts his other hand out, asking for the thumb drive.
I part with it, not without a nonsensical possessive feeling gnawing at my stomach.
“I never wanted you to have to go through this, Marci.” He emphasizes my name. The way he says it makes it feel detached, as if this is something he would say to Marci, if she was here.
“I should have … kept you safe.” He drops his hand from my shoulder, looks at the thumb drive. “Thank you, if thanks are deserved. We will look into it very carefully.”
He hands Aydan the thumb drive, walks to the Harley and mounts it.
“You understand why I can’t invite you to come with us,” he says, and it’s hardly a question.
I do and I don’t. I guess one meeting is hardly enough to regain his trust. This time, however, I’d hoped I could go with them, hadn’t I? The realization tears me apart. This is why I asked to see James. This is what I had truly hoped for.
Aydan takes a tentative step in my direction. James kicks the pedal, brings the engine roaring to life.
“Let’s go, Aydan,” he orders.
Aydan ignores the unequivocal command and walks to me. For a moment, his black eyes are tight pools of pure darkness. But, when he blinks, a blue sparkling light shines inside of them, very much like the fireworks display he cast on the lake the last time we met.
A half smile tips his lips. “I’ve been practicing finesse,” he says. “What do you think?”
“Nice,” I say, almost mirroring his smile, but not quite.
He takes my hand, surprising me. Threading his finger with mine, he gives them a reassuring squeeze.
“You won’t go back, right? You promised you’d leave, if you found something big. This is big,” he says. “Hide. You’ve done enough.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do that.”
“Yes, you can.”
“I’d rather die fighting, than hide like a coward.”
“No one could ever call you that,” he says.
I pry my hand away from his. “Do what you have to do, and I’ll do the same.”
“I would take you back if it was up to me.”
“I know.”
He wraps me in a tight hug as if he’d never let me go. My arms stay stiff at my sides, while inside my every muscle and bone disintegrates into pieces.
“Someday, this will end, and I won’t rest until everyone understands your sacrifice.” He lets go, turns his back, hiding his eyes, and rides away with James.