Day 96: On Silenc e

Silence is the absolute poise or balance of body, mind, and spirit. The man who preserves his selfhood ever calm and unshaken by the storms of existence — not a leaf, as it were, astir on the tree; not a ripple upon the surface of shining pool — his, in the mind of the unlettered sage, is the ideal attitude and conduct of life. (…) If you ask [him]: “What are the fruits of silence?” he will say: “They are self-control, true courage or endurance, patience, dignity, and reverence. Silence is the cornerstone of character.”

—Charles Alexander Eastman 91

In today’s noisy world, silence is uncomfortable. Most of us rarely, if ever, experience true silence. We listen to podcasts when exercising, listen to music when commuting, and interrupt work with a chat or two with colleagues.

Silence is uncomfortable, because it means there are no outside distractions: it’s just you and your thoughts. Silence in a conversation is even more uncomfortable because there’s an unspoken rule that when people have nothing to talk about, they should come up with any topic just to avoid an awkward silence that might require them to become fully present and aware of how they really feel.

Since silence can bring so much discomfort, it can be a potent tool to improve your self-control.

First, sitting in silence and listening to your inner thoughts without any external distractions can help you slow down and analyze your recent decisions or assess how well you’re doing with your new goals. Try to spend at least five minutes a week in silence and you’ll be surprised how much valuable feedback you can retrieve from within you.

As a second strategy, embrace silence in a conversation. No, I don’t mean that you should make the conversation weird by deliberately not saying anything. I refer to using silence as an exercise in improving your self-control when dealing with other people.

For example, try the following challenge for one day: when talking with somebody who has a different opinion than you do, resist the temptation to immediately attack them and instead listen silently until they have fully presented their arguments. You will have positioned yourself for a more intelligent participation in the conversation, simply because you took the time to listen carefully to what the other person said.

Another exercise is to practice self-control by using fewer words. For one day, focus on listening to the other person. Ask as many questions as you can to maintain an interesting conversation and resist the urge to comment or share too many of your opinions.

Both of these exercises will train you to be more focused on the other person and less impulsive during a conversation.