5

Adding Value from Your Sweet Spot

It was the worst day of my young life as a pastor. Benny Harris, a board member and leader of the Hillham congregation, called me in Lancaster to share with me that my former church in Hillham was not doing well. Six months after I had left, the attendance had fallen from three hundred to less than a hundred. Benny’s voice was broken as he asked, “What’s gone wrong?”

I had no answers for him. And I felt empty for not knowing how to respond.

I went outside and walked around trying to clear my head. I felt terrible. I kept asking myself the same question: What went wrong?

When I made the transition from the small church in Hillham to the larger church in Lancaster, I felt very satisfied and proud of my accomplishments at that first church. My reputation in the small Hillham church was like that of Superman, leaping tall buildings and growing the congregation from the ground up—from three to over three hundred.

I had worked so hard to grow the congregation. I had cared for those people as well as I could. A beautiful new church building had been built on a knoll, and it was filling up week after week before I left. Why was it slowly emptying after my departure? My sense of prideful self-satisfaction came crashing down quickly.

What happened? I wondered.

How could it all fall apart so fast?

Why did it fall apart?

Who was to blame?

In my early twenties, I was long on energy but short on practical experience. It took me six months of thinking through all the possibilities of what went wrong, until it hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally figured out the problem. And when I did, I became even more discouraged by the realization.

The problem was me!

Have you ever racked your brain to solve a problem only to discover that you were the cause? There is nothing worse than that. But that was where I found myself.

What happened was actually a common rookie leadership mistake. I had done all the work myself in that little church. Well, not just me. Margaret and I did the work. She handled the youth, missions, special projects, and hospitality. I led the church, preached, visited people, recruited new people, developed programs, and handled problems.

As the congregation grew, I felt like a local rock star. My Volkswagen Beetle ran nonstop on those dusty dirt roads doing “God’s business” for the community. People were enthralled by my boundless energy, wondering, “How does he get it all done?” As my reputation got bigger, unfortunately, so did my head. When pastors asked me how I was developing that little country church, I would proudly say, “I work hard.” Then I would go into great detail about the importance of working longer hours, putting in sweat equity, and paying the price if they wanted to build a great church.

I didn’t have a clue. I’m embarrassed by that now.

Never once did I invest in people. I had loved the people, but I had never added value to them. After I left Hillham, many people were really no better off than they had been before I arrived there.

I hadn’t trained anyone to take over in my absence. While I was busy building my career, I didn’t include other people along the way. Everyone around me was happy to let me do it all. More than that, they loved me for it. And I gladly accepted the applause because I thought that was what a good leader was supposed to do—work harder than everyone else and accept the accolades.

Boy, was I wrong. I had built everything around myself, so when I left, it all fell apart. It was a fast fall, too. I didn’t realize what I had done until after I got the news from Benny. It was a result of my inexperience and naïveté.

After licking my ego wounds for a few weeks, I had to figure out how to begin to fix what was broken in me. I didn’t want to continue making the same mistakes as I went forward. Anything of real significance is lasting. It doesn’t fall apart quickly once it no longer has your attention. That’s especially true if you’re a leader. The true measure of success is succession—what happens after you’re gone.

I started to think about what I needed to do. The first step in my recovery was clear. I had to admit to myself that I was not indispensable. And I had to stop doing things that made me feel indispensable. I needed to shift my focus. Instead of making a difference for people, I would work to make a difference with people. Instead of doing things to emphasize my value, I would focus on making others more valuable.

The pathway seemed clear to me. I would start by equipping people so that no matter what happened to me, they could carry on and make a difference. I would ask others to join me in doing the work and in leading, and I would add value to them. That would not only show them that I cared for them, but also help to develop them as individuals, improve their quality of life, and give them new skills that would benefit them, the organization, and others.

Although the shift from making a difference for people to making a difference with people may sound like a subtle switch in behavior, it was actually a radical shift in my approach. When I arrogantly thought I was the entire picture, I could never see the bigger picture. But once I realized that my focus needed to be on others and on adding value to them, I was able to multiply my impact, fine-tune my purpose, and work within my best gifts.

Becoming Intentional in Adding Value

If you want to be significant and lead in a way that matters, you must add value to others. I know I’m repeating myself, but I have to say it again: significance and selfishness don’t go together. You cannot be a selfish, self-centered person and be a good leader. You have to take the focus off yourself and put it on making the lives of others better.

What you must do to be significant is consistent for everyone. You must add value. How you do that is as unique as you are. It begins with figuring out your purpose. And it continues with your unique gifts and talents, opportunities and resources. My two greatest gifts are communication and leadership. Where those two intersect is where I add the most value. It’s my sweet spot. Why do I communicate? To add value to people. Why do I lead? To add value to people. That’s how I make a difference.

When someone comes to me and says he wants to become a leader, one of the first questions I ask is, why? Why do you want to become a leader? Is it because you want a corner office? Is it for a premium parking place or a top salary? Is it for the perks and recognition? All of these are wrong motives. People who want to become leaders for any reason other than adding value are way off base.

For most people who don’t add value to others, their actions aren’t motivated by hate or even self-centeredness—they’re usually caused by indifference. However, no one can be indifferent and live a life of significance. We have to want to make life better for others to make a difference.

Many people approach this too casually. They are prompted by circumstances. They see a person in trouble and stop to help. Or a friend calls needing assistance and they respond. That’s good. But there is another, higher level of adding value that significant people embrace. It’s intentional. It’s proactive. It’s a lifestyle.

Leaders who have a meaningful impact on others make it their everyday goal to add value to people using their best gifts, skills, and resources. It’s part of their purpose. They are always actively looking for ways to make the lives of other people better. That’s both a responsibility of leadership and a privilege.

Many of my friends who are leaders have developed strategies for investing in others daily. Real estate broker Dianna Kokoszka sets alerts on her phone twice a day. In the morning an alert pops up with this question: “Who will you add value to today?” At 8:00 p.m. the alert asks, “How did you add value to others today?” If she feels that she hasn’t added value to someone that day, she doesn’t go to bed until she has.

Entrepreneur and author Chris Estes sends a one-minute phone message of encouragement to five people every day. Businessman and EQUIP board member Collin Sewell writes three personal notes every day. You don’t have to be a superstar or an overachiever to add value to people. You just need to care and begin doing something about it.

Identifying Your Sweet Spot

What is your purpose? Do you know what you were made for? And how can you tap into your sweet spot to help others and add value to them? If you are already an established leader, you may have leadership skills you can teach to others. But think beyond those skills to some of your other skills and to your resources. Who on your team struggles with an area that is a strength for you? How might they learn from you to improve in that area?

If you aren’t experienced with adding value to others or are still not sure what your sweet spot is, that’s okay. Adding value is a skill in itself. You can develop it. But that will happen only when you give it a try. Begin by doing your best to add value to a few people using the things you naturally do well, and keep fine-tuning your efforts until it aligns with your sweet spot.

The Five Essential Values of Adding Value to Others

Do you have the desire to help other people and add value to them? If so, is it intentional and strategic? Are you willing to cultivate the desire so that it is more proactive? If so, there are five important insights about adding value to others that will help you. They helped strengthen my commitment to and vision of serving others, and I believe they will do the same for you.

1. To Add Value to Others I Must First Value Myself

As parents, Margaret and I realized when our children were young that we couldn’t teach them everything, so we came up with five essential principles we wanted to pass along that would help them be successful and feel good about who they are. We wanted to ground them in faith, responsibility, unconditional love (so they would know what it’s like to prosper and thrive), gratitude, and self-worth.

We included self-worth because we understood that it’s impossible to consistently behave in a way that is inconsistent with how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Self-image dictates daily behavior. How we see ourselves regulates what we consistently do, and our regular behavior is what defines us, not what we might do on a rare occasion. The ability to add value to others has to be based on more than just saying, “I value people.” It must be built upon the solid ground of believing in ourselves. The only way we can be consistent and authentic in valuing others is to see value in ourselves.

Observers of human behavior have learned that people with low self-esteem are almost always self-centered and preoccupied with their own thoughts and actions. In contrast, people who help others tend to feel good about the people they help and to feel good about themselves. When you add value to others, there is an instant return of positive emotions that causes you to feel better about who you are. Haven’t you experienced those positive feelings when you’ve helped someone in need? Positive thinking doesn’t build self-image. Positive acts do. There’s nothing wrong with positive thinking, but if you perform positive acts, not only will your self-image begin to rise, you will find yourself living a more significant life that matters.

If you’re wondering whether you value yourself enough to add value to others, then think about this. You know you truly value yourself when each day you silently affirm that you are the type of person with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life. If you don’t feel that way, then you still have some work to do on the inside to be in the best position to help others.

2. To Add Value to Others I Must Value Others

Mother Teresa said, “One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.” As a pastor, I spent a lot of time visiting people in nursing homes over the years. One of the heartbreaks for me was the people I saw who never had family visiting them. Does anybody even know they’re here? I’d wonder. Does anyone even care?

When I did weekly hospital visits, I would often check in with the front desk to see if there were any people who had not been visited by anyone since my last call. And I did my best to look in on those who’d had no visitors. I didn’t always get to everyone, but I surely tried.

How often do we look past others, not really seeing who they are? Not getting to know them? Not valuing them as individuals? Every person has value, and to be people who live lives that matter, we need to intentionally value others and express that value to them. It’s not optional if we desire to be significant.

3. To Add Value to Others I Must Value What Others Have Done for Me

One Thanksgiving a few years ago when our grandchildren were very young, Margaret and I decided to help them put on a Thanksgiving Day play for the whole family. Margaret was in charge of the costumes, I was the producer and director (I bet that’s a surprise!), and the children were the talent. As I led them through rehearsal, they practiced their songs and memorized various inspirational quotes about Thanksgiving. Our grandson, little John, was five years old at the time. His only line was, “We all should have an attitude of gratitude.”

The morning of the play he came to me to practice his line. He kept saying “gratitude” before “attitude.” After a few times trying to get it right, he was flustered and tired. Falling down on the floor, he looked up at me and said, “This gratitude stuff is exhausting.”

I laughed at his hilarious delivery, and then I immediately rewrote his part to include his statement with the dramatics of falling down. Later I thought, Gratitude isn’t supposed to be exhausting. It’s supposed to be invigorating! But of course, when we put gratitude before attitude, it can be exhausting.

If you don’t have an attitude of gratitude on Thanksgiving Day, then it is going to be hard to be appreciative any day of the year. Gratitude is the motivation for doing good things for others, and a positive attitude is what drives that action. Gratitude fuels us to want to do good things for others.

Have you ever met people who think nothing good ever happens to them? It’s like they walk around with dark clouds over their heads, and they always say things like, “No one ever gives me a chance. I never get a break. Why doesn’t anyone ever pick me?” Such people live very self-consuming, selfish lives. How can they experience significance at all?

We’ve all heard the expression “Count your blessings.” But have you ever stopped to wonder what that really means? When we count our blessings and realize what others have done for us, it stimulates us to say, “I want to do something for someone else.” You have to count your blessings before you can be a blessing.

4. To Add Value to Others I Must Know and Relate to What Others Value

In this world, I believe we all have one thing we are really best at. For me, that’s communication. I believe my strength in communication is being other-person focused, not focused on myself.

Early in my career, I came to the conclusion that all great speakers lose themselves in their audience. They have one desire, and that is to connect with people. You can’t connect with an audience if you’re above them. If you look down on people, you won’t want to raise them up. But that psychological truth also comes into play physically. I like being down where the people are, so whenever possible I get off the platform. I leave the stage and walk among the crowd. It takes away barriers. If you move toward people, they move toward you. If you move away from people, they pull back, too.

If you want to impress people, talk about your successes. But if you want to impact people, talk about your failures. Telling self-deprecating stories in a conversational style helps me get to a place where I can communicate with people in a way that makes them feel comfortable, without my coming off as authoritarian. And that’s when I have the best chance of adding value to them. Everything I do when I speak is intentional. But I’m sure that does not come as a surprise. By now you know intentionality is a lifestyle I’ve practiced for many years.

In 2010 I wrote a book called Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. In it I describe connecting practices that we can use to better connect with others. The first connecting principle is to find common ground. When we first meet someone, there is a relationship gap between us. We don’t know them, they don’t know us. Who will be the first to close that gap? The one who finds common ground. How do you do that? By embracing these seven qualities and practices:

• Availability—I will choose to spend time with others.

• Listening—I will listen my way to common ground.

• Questions—I will be interested enough in others to ask questions.

• Thoughtfulness—I will think of others and how to connect with them.

• Openness—I will let people into my life.

• Likability—I will care about people.

• Humility—I will think of myself less so I can think of others more.

Do you know and relate to what others value? Do you go out of your way to connect with others? It doesn’t have to be anything big, and it doesn’t have to be limited to the people you lead. You can connect with people everywhere in simple ways. Get to know your neighbors and do something nice for them. Learn the name of your waitress and leave her a good tip. Talk with children to find out what’s important to them, and then praise and encourage them. Do what you can wherever you are.

5. To Add Value to Others I Must Make Myself More Valuable

The idea of adding value to people is dependent on the fact that you have something of value to give them. Adding value to someone is relatively easy to do once. But as a leader, you will want to add value to the people you lead consistently every day. To do that, you must continually grow and become more valuable. And to add the most value, you should try to stay in your sweet spot.

Each of us right now has a lid on our potential. The only way to lift that lid is to intentionally develop and grow. As you do this you will make a wonderful discovery—you can also lift the lids of others. I have always considered myself to be a lid lifter—someone who sees the greatest potential in others and then gives them what they need to rise up and fly.

I found this to be true in Lancaster. As I equipped and trained people to do specific tasks, I started to get additional opportunities to add value to them in other ways. I helped them to become better leaders. I challenged them to strive for excellence in other areas of their lives. I helped them improve the important relationships in their lives. And I supported them as they fought to strengthen their characters. Every time I learned a new skill or fought a personal battle, I had more to give. As I improved myself, I helped others to improve, too.

Grow yourself—grow others. Learn for yourself—then pass it on. Lift your lid so that you can lift others’!

Knowing How You Can Add Value

Do you agree that adding value to people, both as a leader and as an individual, has high value? Can you see that being intentional about it is a key to living a life of significance and having a life that matters? If so, then you’re probably wondering how you should try to add value. To know the answer, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What Have I Been Given? (Looking Backward)

What experiences have you had that have uniquely equipped you to add value to others? Those experiences could be positive, or they could be difficulties or negative circumstances that you have overcome. I know people who have had eating disorders and were able to come alongside others who struggled with that same issue and help them. I’ve known people who have made fortunes who used their money to build villages, rescue orphans, and construct hospitals. I know people with a knack for business who have helped budding entrepreneurs in developing countries.

What accomplishments, resources, and experiences can you draw upon? What wisdom have you gained through the crucible of personal loss or tragedy? What can you draw upon to help others and add value to them?

2. What Do I Have to Give? (Looking Inward)

Everyone has qualities, talents, and skills that have the potential to add value to others. What is inside you that can help you make others better? What skills do you possess? What talents have been given to you? What personality traits do you have that can be used to add value to others? Anything and everything you have can be used to help others if you make adding value to people your priority and become intentional about it.

3. What Can I Do? (Looking Outward)

So often we only see what we are prepared to see in others. But looking outward with an eagerness to add value to others changes how we see those same people. Ideally, it will inspire us to invest in others daily.

Every day I can be intentional in adding value to people’s lives. Every day I can look at my schedule and ask myself, “Who can I help today? How can I help them? When should I do that?” You can do that same thing. You can approach the day looking for the potential in the people around you and opportunities for adding value to them.

In Lancaster I started where I was with the people I had, teaching them what I knew. I immediately began training them to do things they wanted to do. That became my main focus. And I developed a process that I still use to this day:

Model—I do it. Before I try to teach someone else, I work to become good at it so that I know what I’m doing.

Mentor—I do it and you watch. Learning begins when I show someone how to do what I do. I learned in Lancaster never to work alone. No matter what task I was doing, I always tried to take with me someone who wanted to learn.

Monitor—You do it and I watch. Nobody learns how to do something well on the first try. People need to be coached. When others do the task and I’m there to watch, I can help them troubleshoot problems and improve.

Motivate—You do it. I always try to hand off tasks as soon as possible and encourage the people I’ve trained. I become their biggest cheerleader.

Multiply—You do it and someone else is with you. This is the final step. I don’t want the equipping cycle to end with me. I want it to continue. When I train someone to do something, I want them to turn around and train someone else, just as I did them.

Who is already in your life that you can add value to? What can you do to help them? Opportunities are all around you. All you have to do is be willing to act. What do you have to give? What can you help someone on your team learn? How can you make life better for others? What you have to give is unique. What’s your sweet spot? No one else can give what you can give.

We can all add value to people. And the biggest difference we can make will come from our sweet spot. We should not leave what we do best. We should stay with our best to give our best—and make the greatest impact.

There is a passage in the book Souls on Fire by Elie Wiesel in which he writes that when you die and you meet your Maker, you’re not going to be asked why you didn’t become a Messiah or find a cure for cancer. All you’re going to be asked is, “Why didn’t you become you? Why didn’t you become all that you are?” To become all you are, you must use your best to add value to people.