thirty-nine WINNY

Winny was sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands when Jack came home on the evening of Billy’s eighteenth birthday. The sound of the door closing behind him sent nervous butterflies through her chest. She was so tired of feeling unhappy, of walking on eggshells whenever he was around. It was too much like living at Mistress Adams’s farm, when she’d had to look over her shoulder all the time.

She had originally planned not to say anything tonight. Not about how she was feeling. A birthday was supposed to be fun, and she wanted to make Billy feel special. She’d thought it might even be a night for mending fences between Jack and Billy. But after this afternoon, she couldn’t just pretend everything was all right.

Jack knelt beside her chair, regarding her closely. “Are you crying? What’s the matter, Winny?”

“I don’t know.” She lifted her head, wiped the tears off her face. “What’s the matter with you?”

He pulled back a little. “Nothing’s wrong with me. I’ve been working all day. You don’t see me sitting around, crying.”

“No, no, you don’t get to say that. I don’t see you having any emotions at all other than anger. I used to know you so well, but I have no idea what you’re thinking anymore.” She studied him. “I know you’re mad about something, but you won’t tell me, and—” She pressed her hand against her chest. “I remember this feeling.”

“What feeling?”

“Like I’m all alone.”

He stood and went to the sideboard, poured himself a glass of whisky. It was his regular routine these days. “What are you talking about? You have the children. You have me.”

“No, I don’t,” she said. “Susan is all I have. You won’t talk to me, and Billy looked like he’d be happy to murder me when he got home today.”

Anger burned in Jack’s cheeks. “Where’s that boy? I’ll teach him—”

“Stop it, Jack. Just stop.” He was missing the point. Again. She reached for his hand. “The two of you fight too much these days, and I can’t stand it. I don’t understand. We have a beautiful life. Why are you tearing it apart? What’s happening?”

She saw concern flash in his eyes, and her fingertips went to his warm, stubbled cheek. “Come back to me, Jack,” she whispered, a tear rolling down her face. “I need you.”

“I don’t know how,” he admitted quietly. “I love you, Winny. I never meant to hurt you. I will try harder.” He wiped her tear away with his thumb. “I really will try.”

She paused then set her mouth tight. “I hope so, but the thing is, I can’t wait. I need you to start trying tonight. I’ve… I’ve never seen Billy this way. He says he has something to talk about with us after supper, and that’s all he said. He wouldn’t even look at me.”

As they sat down at the table for their meal, Billy was like a cold, silent boulder. Jack did his best, asking him about his day, about his interests, about the news, but Billy refused to engage. Winny and Susan fluttered around the table and the kitchen, serving roast chicken and potatoes, Billy’s favourite. When it was time to light the candles for the cake, Winny’s fingers trembled, but she put on a smile and came back to the dining room, singing.

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!” Susan and Jack joined in. “Happy birthday, dear Billy. Happy birthday to you!”

Billy’s scowl softened briefly, and Winny tried desperately to make everything all right with extra hugs and kisses. Susan followed her, bouncing to her brother’s side and presenting him with a picture she’d drawn that day. Billy leaned down and hugged Susan tight.

“Susan, you are the one good thing in this world. I love you so much,” he said. “And guess what? I brought you something.”

“It’s not my birthday,” Susan objected, but delight danced in her eyes.

“No, but you are very special, and you deserve it. I put it on your bed, and I’m wondering if you could go play with it in there for a little while. I need to talk to Mum and Dad for a few minutes.”

Winny’s stomach dropped, and Susan frowned. “Grown-up talk?”

“That’s right.”

She tilted her head. “I guess you’re a grown-up now. But you have to blow out the candles first.”

Billy would do anything for his sister, Winny thought, watching him blow out the little flames. Susan giggled, satisfied, then she gave him another hug before skipping off to her room. When she was gone, Billy reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope.

“I have two things to discuss tonight,” he said, sounding much older than eighteen. “First, I am leaving. Now that I’m eighteen, I’m joining the army.”

Winny felt her chest tighten. No.

Jack’s expression was unreadable, but his jaw was clenched.

Billy faced Jack. “You fought for our country, and if the time comes, so will I. I leave in the morning. That’s all I have to say about that. Now, in order to join the military, I needed to provide identification, obviously. That meant I had to produce a birth certificate.” He slid a piece of paper out of the envelope. “That’s the second thing I want to discuss.”

There on the table were his adoption papers. Winny glanced at Jack, who had turned a pale shade of green.

“Who are you people?” Billy asked, matter-of-fact. “You’re not my parents.”

Winny clamped her mouth shut, feeling like she might be sick. She had tried everything she could think of to prevent this moment from ever happening.

Jack cleared his throat. “All right, Billy. I am your mother’s brother,” he said evenly. “This is your mother’s best friend.”

Billy folded his arms. “And where is my mother?”

I’m right here, Winny wanted to say. Jack opened his mouth to respond, but she laid a hand on his forearm and braced herself. It was her turn. “She died just after you were born, Billy. She asked me to find you and raise you as my own. I found you at an orphanage and adopted you when you were a year and a half old.”

“Why is Uncle Jeffrey’s name on this paper?”

“Back then I wasn’t married, and we thought it would be easier for me to adopt you if I was. Uncle Jeffrey stepped in to help. That was before he and Charlotte were even dating.”

Billy turned to Jack. “Where were you all this time?”

Jack hesitated, and she knew what he was thinking. Telling Billy he was adopted was one thing. Telling him they’d been Home Children was an entirely different thing.

“That’s complicated, but basically I was in the army. All this happened just before the war started.”

“So my mother is dead. Who is my father?”

Winny was fighting a losing battle against her tears, and they threatened to overflow. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m so sorry, Billy. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s my fault. I thought—”

Billy slammed the table with his hand, sending a jolt through Winny. “You didn’t think, did you?”

“Listen, kid.” Jack held a hand toward Winny. “This is your mother. Before my sister died, she begged her to find you. This incredible woman turned her world upside down so she could keep you, and after that she pretty much dedicated every minute of her life to you. Your father, from what I know, was a son of a bitch, and we hope he’s dead. But we’ve given you a great life. You never suffered a day in your life, and you have no idea what that’s like.”

“So tell me about it.”

“No,” Winny said, blinking away her tears. “You do not need to know about our past lives. All that matters is we made sure yours was better than ours.”

Billy pushed his chair back under the table. “You took great care of me, but you lied to me every single day of my life.”

“We never lied!” she cried, jumping to her feet. “We did what we thought was best for you.”

“Which was to lie.”

“Sit down, Billy,” Jack said, rising. “We’re not done here.”

“No? Why not? You want to finally fill me in on the details of who you really are?”

Winny could see Jack wavering. “Jack.”

He closed his eyes briefly, but didn’t speak.

“What happened to us makes no difference about who you are, Billy,” Winny said. “You’re our son, and we love you. We always will.”

“That’s not enough. Don’t you understand? When they asked me for my identification papers, and I realized I had none, I felt like I didn’t even exist. You have no idea what it’s like not to know who you are.”

If he only knew how wrong he was. If he only understood how much he was ripping her apart by saying things like that.

“I know you’re mad right now, but someday you’ll understand we did it for you. We did it all for you.”

Billy took a step away from the table. “I’m not waiting for tomorrow morning. I’m leaving tonight.”

“What?” she cried, following him to the base of the stairs. “No! Billy!”

He turned his back and marched upstairs.

“Please, Billy,” she called after him, her knees starting to buckle. “Please don’t go.”

Jack put his arm around her, and she held on to him, hearing the fast thump of his heartbeat against her ear. Moments later, Billy returned, his bag over his shoulder.

“Well. That’s it, then. I’m going.” His voice caught and he cleared his throat. “I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate everything you did for me. But you always taught me not to lie. You said I should never keep secrets from the people I loved.” He bit his lower lip so hard his teeth left a white line. “And I just don’t know how I could live here any longer, knowing you don’t care enough about me to tell me the simple truth of where I came from.”

“Billy?” Susan stood at the bottom of the stairs, pale as a ghost.

Billy reached her in three strides and lifted her against him. “I’m sorry, Susan. I’m so sorry, but I have to go.”

“But where?”

“I’m going far away. But I promise to write to you.”

“Don’t go!” She looked at Winny, anguish in her eyes. “Mummy? What’s happening?”

“I can’t stay here any longer,” Billy said, setting her on her feet. “I love you, baby sister. Never forget that.”

He turned again, leaving her alone to weep. Then he walked past Winny and Jack, strode out the door, and disappeared into the night.