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Holy hell. I’m literally shaking in my shoes. Sensory overload! What is this place and what did I just do? It’s like I just had an out-of-body experience. Did I really just follow my boss and burst into a club with a secret code? That doesn’t sound like me, but it was me.
See, I’m no coward.
I saved Kade from being ousted from his club.
Which is a good thing, right? With Kade’s words still hot in my ear, I really don’t know what to think.
I follow Ben and Kade and take my place with the group of men gathered in the middle of the room. All their eyes are fixed on me and Kade and growing more curious with every second. Can they see I’m a fake? That I’m not his recruit?
Who are all these guys and what kind of club is this? I should have thought this through before I barged in and generously offered myself as Kade’s recruit.
Ben positions himself in front of the group, but rather than starting an address, he says calmly, “Please be patient. I need a moment.” Then he begins taking deep mindful breaths.
I decide to use this time to check out my surroundings. I let my eyes bounce around the area. The room is quite spacious, much bigger than I assumed from the other side of the door and much nicer than I expected. It seems like a place Kade would enjoy spending his time, especially with the well-stocked bar to the left of us. The room is painted dark blue with framed pictures of local landscapes and motivational quotes hung around the room. Leather recliners, a big-screen TV, massage chairs, and a pool table make up the area behind us. This place screams luxury. It’s everything that I am not. I wonder why Kade has never mentioned it before. How did he find it? Although, I still don’t fully understand what exactly it is.
I let my eyes linger on Kade. He’s staring straight through me. I’m sure he’s still processing my unannounced entrance. I’m so nervous about having that chat with him. I have no idea what I’ll say. I’ve been worried and bored with my own life, so I dove headfirst into yours? Nope, I can’t say that.
Ben shakes his hands out at his side, as if he’s shaking off some bad energy. Is that because of me? Am I the bad energy? He makes direct eye contact with each person before letting his steely eyes lock in on mine. Chills flush my body.
Here we go. I’m about to get some answers.
“Welcome to the Liars’ Club, gentlemen. This is the first day of the rest of your life. You are all here because you need something. A piece of your life is missing, and I, Ben Matthews, can help with that.”
The Liars’ Club. That’s interesting. I’m listening. Sure, he’s still the arrogant guy that came into the store, but what is he offering? I guess I don’t have anything to lose by being here. But if this place has membership fees, I’m broke and I can simply walk away. But Kade’s words are still there: “But you just fucked yourself.” I want to ask Kade what he means by “fucked myself,” but there is no opportunity. Everyone is watching. Is this place the reason Kade’s been so off this week? But it seems so nice. Or maybe this is the place that gets him back on track after he gets fucked up.
Ben glides the length of the room, his movement controlled and effortless. “So, you’ve all been chosen to join my exclusive club. You’ve either been handpicked by me or one of my trusted club members.”
Well, that’s not true for me but he doesn’t know that.
Ben stops directly in front of me. He places his hand on my shoulder. “Max, have you heard of the phrase, fake it until you become it?”
“Um, I’ve heard of ‘fake it till you make it.’”
“Yes, Max, it’s pretty much the same thing, but I put a nice twist on it. ‘Fake it until you become it’ means more to me. It’s heavier. It carries more weight in my opinion. This phrase will be your go-to mantra. My goal is to help you fake the life you want to live until it becomes your reality. You will lie to others to gain the confidence to become the very thing you’re seeking.”
“Whoa, that’s intense,” someone mutters from the back, but Ben either ignores him or doesn’t hear him.
But I agree, it does sound intense, but, then again, I could use some help. I haven’t been in a good headspace mentally for a while. Of course, there are reasons for that: Chrissy’s words always badgering me and banging me over the head. It’s so loud sometimes that it takes over my thoughts. Her voice strong, as if she’s standing right behind me: “Come on, Max, why can’t you take the help? It’s standing right in front of you. Do you want to be a loser forever? Come on, Max. Jump in feet first for once.” I can almost feel her blonde hair tickling my face as the image of her steps out of sight and I push her out of mind. I’m not living the life I want, but this could be the changing point, the time to prove Chrissy is wrong. A new Max: one who doesn’t run away from the girl of his dreams. The one who struts up to her and confidently strikes up a conversation. To be more like Kade.
A smile begins to form across my face. Yes, this could be good.
“Who is excited to be here? Who is excited to change their lives for the better?” Ben asks, his voice exhilarated.
Two younger guys standing near me give a shallow, “Whoop!”
Kade stays silent, his arms folded tightly across his chest.
“Come on, men, you can do better than that. I don’t think you understand how special you are to be here in this very room. I’m offering you a chance of a lifetime,” Ben says, his voice full and confident. It reminds me of the day I met him in the record store. I see now that I took his confidence for arrogance. A confidence that’s now quite alluring. Maybe Emmy and I were wrong about him. Emmy’s not going to believe this shit.
The entire crowd erupts in hollers, and “hell yeahs.” Except for Kade.
“Yes! This is what I’m talking about. I want this club to change your life, I will be personally invested in your journey. Think of me as your life coach,” Ben says, his smile widening, his teeth whiter than fresh snow.
“I’m a broke college drop-out. I don’t think I can afford your club, Ben.” The voice comes from a handsome guy behind.
“That’s the best part of the club. It’s free.”
“Free?” the guy questions.
“I’m a generous person, what can I say?” Ben responds, his expression flat. “But seriously, I want to help as many people as possible to succeed and find themselves. Most men aren’t living a genuine life. They’ve either been hurt by someone or told by others what they’re worth. Some are even told to not be themselves altogether. So over years of being directed to act a certain way, people start to believe the lies they have been told. But I’m here to tell you how to flip the system. I want to unwind everything you’ve been told until we get to the bottom layer of who you really are or want to be. Then, we will rebuild you from the bottom up. Yes, that requires faking it, but if you’ve been living this false life all this time, why shouldn’t you take charge of that narrative and empower it into who you really want to be, then you will find contentment in yourself.”
Everyone glances around the room, questioning if this guy is for real. It does sound good to me. Maybe he can undo Chrissy’s damage. I’m buying his pitch. But when will Ben find out that I’m a fraud? That Kade didn’t handpick me. Will they kick me out?
“I was once discarded and told that I was worthless, but I’m not and I wasn’t. I took that as a challenge, and I was only five years old. Imagine a five-year-old being told he wasn’t worth anything. Most kids would have agreed, but not me. That was where my journey started. I lied to get to the top, and I wasn’t going to look back. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. Money, success, and this club.”
Well, I guess he has the right to his arrogance; he’s built himself from the ground up.
“Hey, Ben, what does that phrase on the wall mean?” one of the guys next to me asks.
We all turn around, seeing the Latin phrase from Ben’s card painted high on the wall above the TV.
Noli pugnare daemonibus tuis, amplectere eos.
“That’s a conversation for another meeting,” Ben quickly responds.
I’m a little confused because I already know it’s meaning: Don’t fight your demons, embrace them. What does that have to do with faking it? What does that have to do with lying your way to happiness?
“So, what do I expect from you?” Ben pauses. “I ask that you join us for our weekly meetings every Saturday night at ten p.m. On top of that you will also have one-on-one sessions each week where we will discuss your issues and how to envision the life your lie will help you become. Don’t worry, it will be fun, and, of course, you will get free access to my club. Just not on Wednesdays and Saturdays, during meetings and one-on-one times. Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it?” Ben asks.
“Yes, it does,” I respond and a few others nod in agreement.
“Good. Now, let’s get some introductions going. My original five, Bobby, Decklan, Jordan, Kade, and Owen,” Ben says as each guy makes a slow movement to indicate who they are. Kade simply nods, appearing more standoffish than the other four.
“Now, the newbies. Let’s start with Max since he made quite the entrance.” Ben chuckles.
Not me, not first. I can’t go first. I begin to recoil into myself, shrinking back as I always do. The high from my entrance has worn off. I’m back to being Max, king of the cowards.
“It’s OK, Max. Now is not the time to be shy,” Ben says calmly.
Great, he can sense my fear. I’m not masking it well.
“Um,” I stutter, shoving my hands into my pockets. The sharp edges of Ben’s card cuts along my pointer finger. “Um, hi. I’m Max. I work with Kade. I’m not sure what else you want to know?” I respond, tilting my head toward the floor.
“Hello, Max,” the group replies in unison, as if it were a rehearsed response. I slowly lift my head; Ben’s eyes lock in on my discomfort. He tilts his head up, raising one eyebrow, studying me.
“Max, what is your malfunction?” Ben asks with a straight face.
“My what?”
“Your malfunction. What is it? What is the one thing that is wrong with you, or so you’ve been told? The thing that others would see as your damage.”
Holy hell, is this a rhetorical question? I don’t want to answer this in front of a group of strangers and my boss. I’d prefer to keep my insecurities tightly tucked in their own little box, with the key hidden safely out of reach.
“Max, everyone has a malfunction,” Ben continues. “Something that doesn’t tick right inside your head because of what others have told you about yourself. Your boss, Kade, his malfunction is his sex addiction and alcohol consumption. But Kade’s not a bad person because of it. He’s actually quite the opposite. It makes Kade who he is.”
Kade hangs his head. I know Kade’s malfunction already, but I can feel the sting of the blow.
“Come on, Max. This is a safe space. Nothing you say here will leave this room.” Ben coaxes as his face hardens. “I’m dead serious. You are not allowed to talk about anything in connection to this club outside of this room. Everything you hear here stays in this room. I mean it. We will be discussing some sensitive things and it needs to stay within these walls. Trust me when I say that I have a way of knowing.”
The vague threat in Ben’s words is hard to miss. Now I’m questioning if it’s OK to tell Emmy. I feel that the answer is no.
“Max, I shall repeat my question. What is your malfunction?”
Record Store Girl and Chrissy both zig-zag through my mind. My legs begin to shake as my heart races. “I can never act when I need to. My mind gets jumbled, and I overthink everything, especially when it comes to girls. I haven’t had a healthy relationship in over two years.” The words roll fast off my tongue as my breath catches, leaving me feeling faint.
“Thank you for sharing, Max. This is where your journey begins. Your malfunction is safe here,” Ben says. “OK, who is next?” he asks, his palms out, gliding his hand toward one of the younger-looking guys next to me.
“Hi, name’s Ethan. I have a hard time committing to one girl, and apparently girls don’t appreciate that. Owen said I’d have fun here,” Ethan responds.
He’s chilled and laid-back. Maybe I could be more like Ethan.
“Owen is right—you will have fun here. Owen has come a long way with his malfunction. He has some rage, but now he’s channeling that into MMA training, right, Owen?”
“Yes, sir,” Owen responds, his posture assertive, his chin up and chest puffed forward. He’s too intense. I don’t want to be like Owen.
“Ethan. You have a baby face—might I ask how old you are?”
“Twenty-four,” Ethan says.
“I think we can work with that. We can build on this.” Ben claps his hands together. “Good. OK, let’s keep this introduction train moving along.” Ben nods to the kid next to Ethan.
“I’m Mateo. I’d rather not say my thing if that’s OK.”
Good, another coward like me.
“Don’t be shy, Mateo. Just spit it out. You will feel better.”
Mateo shuffles his feet and kicks at the carpet below him.
“Come on, Mateo. It’s OK, just say it.” Ben asks again, his voice patient. He reaches out and lets his hand rest on Mateo’s arm. “Anything you say here, stays here.”
“It’s porn!” Mateo shouts, as if he were being tortured, tossing his hands in the air. “I love porn. I’m addicted to it.”
I snicker at his admission. Thankfully, no one hears me.
“Bobby, Mateo here must belong to you,” Ben says.
The older members all laugh. An inside joke that we new guys don’t get. Bobby must enjoy porn too.
Mateo lowers his head. His chin tucked down into his neck. I almost feel bad for Mr. Porno and the fact that I laughed at him. He or any of these guys could have laughed at me and they didn’t. Bobby walks up to Mateo and pats him on the back while Ben reassures him, “Mateo, you are fine, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
The next guy jumps in without any direction from Ben. “Word, I’m Ezra. People call me Ez. I’m a DJ. I failed out of college; now I’m back. Deck told me to come tonight, so here I am. I’m game for anything. Don’t have much going on these days. So, yep. That’s me in a nutshell. Pretty easy-going,” Ezra says. He’s unapologetic about who he is as a person. He’s by far the best looking of the newbies, with his dark, thick, and wild hair perfectly contrasting against his olive skin. His wide, deep-set eyes are darker than the night. I imagine he has no problem with the ladies.
“Well, all right, Ez. Glad you’re here. Not sure that’s a malfunction, but we will talk more later,” Ben says with a smirk. Ezra is too confident for Ben. I wonder if Ezra needs this club.
“You in the corner. What’s your story?” Ben says, pointing to the far-right side of the room.
A mousey guy steps forward. This is the first time I’ve taken notice of him. He’s pale as a ghost and looks like he just rolled out of bed in his unkept T-shirt and messy hair. He doesn’t look like the rest of the guys in this group. Hell, I don’t look like any of the guys in the group either, but I fit in more than this dude.
“Well, I’m here because Jordan said I had to come,” he says, his voice quiet and feeble. “I’m Jordan’s brother, Hudson.”
Jordan gives his brother a snarky grin, probably for calling him out like that. Hudson nervously tucks his messy, dark-brown hair behind his left ear. One curled lock finds its way back to his pasty white forehead. He’s more uncomfortable than me, and that’s saying something.
“And your malfunction?” Ben questions, his brows eagerly raised.
“I don’t like groups. I would rather be home playing video games or sleeping. I don’t do well with girls or crowds. People tell me I’m awkward.”
Ben gives Jordan a concerned side-eyed glare. “OK, Hudson. I will get you to change your mind about groups. How old are you?”
“Twenty-eight.”
“Have you ever been married?”
“No.” He hangs his head low, avoiding eye contact.
“Long-term girlfriend?”
“No.”
“OK. We will fix that, Hudson. We will fix you. Mark my words. We will fix you,” Ben says confidently.
Hudson retreats back into the shadows. To be honest, I don’t think he wants to be fixed.
My hand jolts straight into the air, like a little kindergartener needing to be called on before speaking.
“Yes, Max. Do you have a question?” Ben asks.
I don’t know what’s come over me and before I can give thought to my action, I respond, “Um, yes, I do. Um. What’s your malfunction, Ben?”
I don’t know what’s come over me, but I feel compelled to know this answer. If we are all broken, then he must be too, or he was once.
“I have no malfunction, Max. I have no need for a place such as this, but I’m here to help you. I want you all to achieve greatness.”
“What makes you qualified to help us, then?” I ask.
Ben turns his head up, his jaw shoots forward. “Max, this is a system of trust, and you must trust me to move forward. If my story of spinning myself from worthless to gold isn’t enough to inspire you, well, then maybe this isn’t the place for you, and you can see yourself out. Take Kade with you too.”
I’ve angered him. I didn’t mean to go that far. I’m curious and I want to see what he’s offering, plus I did this for Kade. Kade needed me and I may as well have just gone home like the piece of shit I am and not have saved Kade. I hang my head. I open my mouth to apologize. I want to stay. “Ben, I, I, I’m. . .”
I feel a hand on my shoulder pulling me back into the group. It’s Kade. “Let it go, buddy.”