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Emma
Other than after Bianca and her friends roughed me up, I don’t remember a time when Zach wasn’t cool and calm. In fact, he was always my rock, handling whatever pressures life threw his way. I’d never seen him freak out, but this time was so much different. It was hard not to see the panic on his face. He averted his gaze as all the color drained from him. “Why are we doing this again?”
His voice, normally level, betrayed him as he stuttered the final couple of words.
I swallowed hard. There was no going back now. “Because it’s not going away. I feel like it’s hanging over us, and that I’m the only one who doesn’t know what’s on it.”
He closed his eyes. He was thinking, but I knew he wasn’t going to find a way out of this sticky situation. “You don’t want to see it,” he finally said.
“Why?”
“It’s more than two years old. I was a different person then, so was Bianca. It’s old news.”
“If it’s old news, why are you keeping it?”
He looked at me, his brown eyes pleading for me to back off. “To protect you.”
“I don’t want you to protect me. I want you to show it to me.”
He shook his head. “No.”
My hands were shaking, and I could barely contain the adrenaline rushing through my veins. “Yes. Get it.”
“It’s not a good idea.”
I was tired of people making decisions for me. From Dad to Zach, they’d all decided my future and I was tired of it. Something came over me, the same devil that possessed me when I punched Bianca in the face. I slammed my fist down on the dining room table and it made Zach jump. “I want to see it. If you don’t get it, I walk. And I mean it, Zach. You’re going to show it to me.”
His eyes showed fear I’d never seen before. “Emma, don’t make me do this,” he begged, his voice dropping to a whisper.
“I don’t want to be the fool anymore. You’re not keeping it from me. Where is it?” My voice was level, but inside I was falling apart. His resistance was scaring me.
“You won’t forgive me,” he said, his eyes locked on mine.
“Let me decide.”
He slowly stood and went to our bedroom. He returned with a flash drive but didn’t hand it to me. “Em, if you see this, I’m worried what you’ll think. I was stupid when I got involved in this. I was also very drunk. I’d never do something like this now. I can’t believe I did it then.”
I felt like two hands had grabbed my heart and were ripping it in two, but I kept my composure. “Give it to me.”
He held it out and I snatched it before he could take it back. I went to his laptop and inserted the flash drive. In seconds the video popped up. I flinched at the opening image. Bianca on her knees, presumably naked and surrounded by guys. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Scenarios ran through my head. I could destroy the flash drive before viewing it, but I’d always wonder what was on it. Or I could watch it and potentially see Zach in a way I could never forget.
“We were young, trying to fit in,” Zach pleaded from behind me. “We were high on some kind of pills. I never took them again after that.”
“Quiet!”
My hands shook violently as I moved the mouse and let the cursor hover over the play button. One more deep breath, reconsidering, knowing that deep down this would change everything, then clicked on play.
“Say hello, Bianca.” Zach’s laughing voice. My stomach lurched.
She waved and licked her lips, pretending to be seductive, but failing miserably. Uncertainty was etched on her face.
“Guys, Bianca is going to give us a show. She’s going to give us a little head, right?”
She nodded. The sound of zippers, more laughing, then three naked guys stepped into the frame. I paused the video. I had to calm myself or I’d throw up. Did I really want to watch anymore? But not knowing Zach’s full role would haunt me. Zach took the opportunity to move around the table and stand in front of me. He reached for my hand and I slapped it away.
“Stop!”
He stepped back and slumped into the nearest chair. He didn’t look at me—couldn’t look at me.
I pressed play again and watched, and like a car crash, I couldn’t avert my eyes. Zach was doing the play by play, laughing and egging the guys on. I pushed my chair further back, distancing myself from what I was seeing. A part of me felt like I was invading Bianca’s privacy, seeing an intimate part of her life that she was no doubt haunted by. Bianca hated what they were doing to her, it was obvious by the way she squeezed her eyes shut, probably wishing she could be anywhere else. The guys laughed and cheered, Zach included. She didn’t protest, but I could see the humiliation on her face. No amount of recreational drugs or alcohol could change that.
I paused the video again and turned to Zach. He kept his gaze on the floor. “Why?” I asked, my voice faltering to a whisper.
“Our frat and her sorority initiation,” he mumbled.
I faced his laptop again and continued watching.
I wanted to cry for her, the person who’d made my life so miserable, who’d been naïve enough to allow this to happen to her. I was so angry as I watched the other guys take their turn, with Zach filming it all. I hated those guys. Their disgusting behavior couldn’t . . . be forgiven.
Zach slammed his laptop shut. “Don’t watch any more,” he said.
My eyes were stinging with tears. How could be have been a part of this? Worse, why had he kept it? For kicks? “Did you force yourself on her too? Did you have sex with her?”
“No to both.”
I ripped his hands away and flipped open his computer again. “I don’t believe you.” I didn’t believe anything he said anymore.
The video came back on.
“Zachy, it’s your turn,” one said. “We want to make sure you get in on the action. It’s only fair.”
More laughter from the savages. By this point I could see that Bianca wanted it over with, but at the same time she wanted to please these assholes. Why? I couldn’t understand. Being in a sorority meant that much to her?
“Come on, Zach. It’s only fair,” the sadist said.
“Guys, I’m too drunk and high to get it up, otherwise I’d love to fuck that sweet mouth,” Zach said. “Bet you’re disappointed, right, Bianca? You’ve always wanted me to fuck you.”
She nodded like a person with a gun to her head.
“Then I guess we’re done with you, bitch. Did you like it, Bianca?”
“I loved it,” she said, her voice betraying her.
She stood up, smiled and grabbed her bra and shirt. It was then that I noticed she had her jeans on. She got dressed, looked at herself in a mirror, touched up her hair, then left the room. The guys laughed and the video ended.
For a long time, I stared at the screen. I then took the flash drive from out of his laptop. Zach reached out to grab me, but I pushed him away.
“Why didn’t you participate?” I asked. “Is it because you knew if this video was ever discovered, it would ruin your dad and maybe your own future?” My eyes locked on his. I couldn’t contain the venom in my voice.
He stared at me. “Yes.”
I nodded. “Thought so,” I said, taking the flash drive and putting it in my pocket.
“What are you doing, Emma?” There was no hiding the panic in his voice.
“I don’t know, but you will not humiliate her any more. How could you have kept something like this? How could you have taken this video in the first place? Who are you?”
Zach took a few steps back. He covered his face with one hand. “I told you. We were young, stupid and high. I’d never do anything like that now. I promise you that.”
My hands were balled into fists. I was so angry. “Couldn’t you see that she didn’t want to do it?”
“She never said no. Did you hear her say no?”
“Semantics! Couldn’t you see that on her face? She wanted to please you guys.”
Zach was freaking out but trying to keep it together. He started pacing the room. “Emma, I know you’re mad, but we can deal with this.”
Tears escaped my eyes. “How many times did I ask you what was on that video? You played coy. Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
“Because you would’ve left me.” His voice was defeated.
“You have no idea what I would have done. But keeping this? Dangling it over her? Why?”
“I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me? Stop saying that. You had this video long before you met me.”
“I forgot about it.”
“Are there more videos? With other girls?”
“It’s the only video I have.”
“You have? What does that mean?” I shrieked. “Other people have videos like this?”
“Probably. I don’t know! This is the only video I’m in. The guys made me participate otherwise Bianca wouldn’t have done it. She had a thing for me at the time—”
“Are you serious? Stop! This is so disgusting!” And then it hit me. “Did you ever record us?”
“No!”
We stared at each other. I couldn’t deal with this. I breezed past him, grabbed my bag and left. I needed to get out of there.