| |
Emma
Saturday morning was awkward. The three of us milled around the apartment trying not to get in each other’s way. I brimmed with nervous energy. All morning long I wanted to tell Zach about my meeting with Meredith, but I stopped myself every time. I missed talking to him, telling him everything, but I couldn’t do it.
I left first. All through the short bus ride to the coffee shop, I tapped my foot to the point of getting a look from the man sitting next to me. To satisfy him, I pulled out a book and tried to read it, but kept reading the same paragraph over and over again. What I was about to do was huge. Usually I deliberated weeks and months over big decisions, but agreeing to meet Meredith was spur of the moment and something I hoped I wouldn’t regret.
I got there early by design. I wanted to be in there when she walked in. She would have to come to me. I still had no idea what I was going to say to her or how I’d feel when I saw her. I ordered a decaf and a chocolate chip cookie. I hadn’t eaten breakfast, more from nerves than anything else. I took my coffee and cookie and sat in a window booth so that I’d see her walk up. What if she stood me up? If she did, I’d consider her dead. No excuses.
She told me she’d be wearing a red coat, something easy to spot. I didn’t have recent pictures of her other than the few she’d sent to Dad. I could have asked her for one, but didn’t want her to think I was too curious about her. I suppose I could have checked her out on social media, but I didn’t want to see the happy life she was leading with her husband and my two little brothers. That life hadn’t included me, and the hurt would be too much to bear right now. My memories of her from her wedding, when I was twelve years old, had faded to the point of only remembering a white dress. Dad had said on many occasions that I looked like her, but she could have changed. He hadn’t seen her in years.
I was staring out the window when a grey sedan pulled up. A woman stepped out wearing a wool red coat. I leaned back so she couldn’t see me. She grabbed her purse and, before walking to the entrance, she took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She gave a slight nod, like she needed to convince herself too that this was the right thing to do, and headed for the door. Like me, she was tallish, easily five foot seven or eight, but she definitely had more curves. Clearly, I’d gotten my athleticism from Dad. He was the star high school athlete.
Meredith came inside and didn’t look around. First, she ordered a drink, then, while she waited, she perused the shop. I waited a second before giving a half wave. She saw me and smiled. The barista handed her her tea, the label of the teabag hanging outside her cup. Meredith walked towards me and my heart beat so fast I thought I might pass out. My head filled with a nervous energy and I regrouped. I couldn’t show her any weakness.
“Hello, Emma,” she said, sliding into her seat. “I’m so happy to see you.”
Tears welled up in her greenish-hazel eyes. I felt nothing. Should I have gotten emotional too? Why did I feel no emotions? Was something wrong with me?
“Hello, Meredith.”
She flinched at hearing her name. I wasn’t going to call her Mom, or Mother. She didn’t deserve that title.
“Thank you for meeting with me.”
I stared at her. She did sort of look like me. We had the same auburn-colored hair and although she was tall, she wasn’t as tall as me at five foot nine. Her warmer skin tone matched mine, but I definitely had a smaller version of Dad’s nose.
“It’s been a long time,” was all I managed to get out. It was kind of stupid, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Too long. You don’t know how sorry I am that all this time has passed. You probably have a lot of questions for me.”
Did I? I couldn’t think of a single one. Why was I drawing a blank? I sipped my still-scalding coffee and tried to pretend it hadn’t seared my mouth. “No, I don’t.”
Meredith appeared taken aback. “Oh. May I ask you some questions?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“How is school? What are you taking?”
It seemed like an odd place to start, but I went with it.
“I’m doing a degree in psychology.” My mind wandered a moment. Thoughts of New York were on hold. Life seemed to be on hold.
“What are your plans when you graduate?”
“I don’t know yet.”
She cradled her cup, nervously tapping the side of it. “That’s good.”
An awkward silence.
“Does your husband know about me?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, relieved that I’d asked her something. “He’s known about you from the moment I met him.”
“Does he know you’re here?”
“Yes. He encouraged me to contact you.”
I didn’t know how to take that. Why hadn’t she done it herself? Why did she need her husband to get involved?
“It’s just that at your wedding, neither of you said a word to me. I assumed he either didn’t know me or didn’t want to.”
“No, not at all,” she said, her eyes growing wide. “I’m sorry you felt that way, and I wish that hadn’t happened. You see . . .” She paused. “What do you know about my parents?”
“Dad let me read all the letters you sent him so I know a lot. He also told me a bit about them.”
She looked at her cup for a long time. “I don’t have much of a relationship with them anymore. When you were born, they made me give you up. I was fifteen and they felt I was far too young to be a parent. Then we moved from Pine Falls to Texas to keep me far away from you and your dad. I stayed in Texas until I finished my university degree, then my grandfather died and my grandmother was having a hard time dealing with his loss. I volunteered to come back to Minnesota to look after her. By then I was in my mid-twenties and your dad didn’t think you wanted me in his life. I know he broached it with you a few times, but you were resistant. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for feeling that way. You were nearly ten years old. I’d been out of your life a long time.”
I thought back to those days. I didn’t have many good memories, and the last person I wanted in my life was my absentee mother.
“When you turned eighteen, why didn’t you leave?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I had no money. My parents wouldn’t let me get a job and even if I got back to Minnesota, I didn’t know what I had to come back to. Your dad encouraged me to stay in school, get a college education and pursue my dreams. I think it’s because he didn’t get those opportunities. I stole them from him by walking out. Had we been able to raise you together, things would have been different.”
I tried not to think about how they would have been different, but I couldn’t help it. So many times I’d wanted to be like the other kids, with a mom who doted over me, who came to meet the teacher, who dropped me off at school or picked me up, who participated in bake sales or who helped me choose a Halloween costume. Or a mother who showed up to all my Christmas concerts. Sure, Grandma had stepped in and done all those things, but it wasn’t the same.
“How did you meet your husband?” I asked, getting my mind to focus in another direction.
“About a year after I came back, my grandmother died. Cam handled all my grandparents’ financial matters, so I got to know him. I fell in love with him and within a year we were engaged. The first thing I did was tell him about you. He was the one who told my parents that you and your dad were invited to the wedding. I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t face them. I was so scared. You don’t know my parents, but they are very opinionated, persuasive and very strict. I was certain they would talk me out of it, so Cam took them on and won. I know I should have spent time with you that day, but I was so afraid my parents would make me pay for it later. It’s funny that even now, I’m thirty-five years old and I’m still terrified of my parents. I haven’t spoken to them in over a year and yet I’m scared they’ll find out I’m trying to reconnect with my daughter. In all honestly, they probably don’t care. They know they’ve lost me.”
“Why are they so mean?”
Meredith took a deep breath and pushed away her full cup. “They had plans for me and my sister Lucy, and I have proved to be a major disappointment to them. They were always quick to criticize and point out any of my mistakes. They were also extremely controlling. When we left Minnesota, they never let me out of their sight. I was like a prisoner.”
“Why don’t you talk to them?”
“I don’t have much to say to them.”
“Did you think about me?”
The question made her lip quiver. “All the time. I made sure to keep up with your tennis. I went to all of your tournaments. Your dad would let me know when they were, and I’d be there. I told him not to tell you because I didn’t want to be a distraction, or worse, for you to tell me to stay away. I suppose I was selfish. And for that short time, I felt close to you, or as close as I could get. Then when I heard that Audrey died, I knew her death would be hard for you. Your grandmother was a wonderful lady.”
“She taught me to cook.”
“Paul says you’re quite the chef. You didn’t get that quality from me. My culinary skills are limited.”
“Do my brothers know about me?”
A big smile spread across her face. “Yes. I hope one day you’d like to meet them. Cam too.”
I nodded. Maybe. “What has Dad told you about me?”
“Like what?”
Sure, it was a broad question. “Did he tell you what happened last year? With Jake’s ex-girlfriend?”
She shook her head. “What happened?”
“Nothing much,” I said, not wanting to revisit that. “Do you know about my boyfriend?”
“He told me a little about him. He sounds like a nice young man.”
I took a long look at her. Did she know more than she was letting on? Or had Dad simply not told her, letting me fill her in? That wasn’t going to happen on this day.
“How often do you talk to Dad?”
“Maybe a couple of times a month.”
“Did you know my grandpa is getting remarried?”
“I heard he was dating again. I’m happy to hear that. Your grandparents were always so kind to me.”
I wanted to laugh. Always, except the time they did the DNA test no one speaks of. “Dad hasn’t met anyone. Do you think he still pines for you?”
Meredith laughed. “No, I don’t think so. Your dad has no trouble attracting female attention. If he wanted to settle down, he would have had his pick of women. I think he’s happy being free to do what he wants. I still remember the first time I met your dad. It was the first day of kindergarten and all I remember were those big blue eyes. He had me hooked at the age of five. Every girl with a pulse loved Paul Andrews. Fortunately for me, he loved me back.”
“Do you want to get back with Dad?”
“Sweetie, I want nothing but the best for your dad, but I’m happy and I love my husband.”
“Do you want half my cookie?” I didn’t know where it came from, but I’d blurted it out and she was staring at my untouched cookie.
“Sure,” she said.
I split the cookie and handed her a half. We munched away in silence.
“I’m going back to Pine Falls for Christmas break after I finish my exams. Would you like to come visit? I’m not saying for Christmas or anything, but you could come a few days before. I could make dinner for all of us. You could meet Grandpa’s fiancée.”
Meredith’s face lit up. “I’d love that. And your boyfriend too?”
“No, not him. He’s staying behind with his family.”
I made that part up.
“Oh, well, I’ll meet him another time.”
“I’ll talk to Dad about dates and get back to you.”
We exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes. As I walked back to the bus stop I couldn’t believe what I’d done, but she seemed genuine. I texted Dad to tell him the news and the bus ride home I was filled with nervous energy. I wanted to tell Zach all about it, but worried that giving him any kind of opening might get his hopes up—and I wasn’t prepared to do that.
Instead, when I got home, I found a note with my name on it tented on the dining room table. It was Zach’s unmistakable scribble. I picked it up and opened it. It was only a few lines and my heart sank.