Alex agreed to meet Dez back at the house. According to Detective Rawlins, when the time was right, they would leave from there to join the police search party in progress. Dez wasn’t sure what that meant. They might only have another hour or so of light left by then.
“The crew of volunteers is canvassing the area out by the state park . . .” Crawford’s words echoed in Dez’s head. It was a big park, too big for a one-sweep search. Well, if they’re looking, then I’m looking, too.
Driving back home, his brain was on autopilot, simply going through the motions. As he made each turn and change in speed from memory, his mind was completely preoccupied.
Sabrina.
He knew he was going to like her the first time he spotted her, all cute and smiling at The Coffeehouse with Dan. He could tell that she was different. And he had been right, because she had ended up changing his whole life for the better.
This can’t be happening. Please tell me she is alive.
When he turned down his street, he could see a news crew had set up across from his driveway. He slowed as he approached, resigned to their presence. He pulled in, parked the car in the driveway instead of the garage, and cautiously got out, knowing his every move would be read.
“Mr. Parker! Do you know where your fiancée is? Can you tell us anything?”
Dez could hear, almost feel, the voice get closer. He turned around, determined to keep his composure. “No. I don’t know where she is. I’m going out to the state park soon to join the volunteers out there who are searching.” The angle of the camera light was blinding and he could feel his pupils retract.
“Do you have any idea what could have happened to her?” the reporter persisted, hoping for a scoop. “Are you concerned that she might not be alive at this point?”
Dez couldn’t make out the face that owned the female voice, but that is not why he winced in its direction. It was the question; so blunt and unapologetic and in direct alignment with his own inner doubts. “Please, turn that off,” he said as he waved the cameraman hovering near the reporter back. “Of course, I’m scared, but I believe she is alive. I have to. Whoever or whatever has happened to her . . . this is all a big nightmare. I don’t have anything else to say. I need to get inside.”
He turned around, feeling like he had lead weights around his ankles as he heard the reporter repeatedly call his name. She refused to get it. He was done. So this is letting the press work for us, Rawlins? He made his way into the house and gravitated to the kitchen. He grabbed a chair and plopped down.
“Are you concerned that she might not be alive at this point?”
Dez replayed the inquiry in his mind. The balls it took to ask someone a question like that. He shook his head. If they only knew what she means to me—what kind of a person she is—they wouldn’t ask.
His phone hummed. It was Alex—he had stopped to get gas but was on the way. Dez leaned back in his chair, again reflecting back on the day when he and Sabrina first met. It hadn’t been planned—his approach was on the fly—but the result was exactly what he was after. He closed his eyes and pretended he could see himself waiting for her to meet him for their first official date. His mind willingly fled there now, even with the press outside the house.
After meeting at The Coffeehouse the Saturday before, they had made plans to meet at the Cox Convention Center. Sabrina had been working on a big project and decided to take a break for dinner before heading back to the office. Dez had hoped he would be able to convince her to stay out with him, but he hadn’t known at the time what a workaholic she was.
He had texted her to meet him in the lobby at six thirty p.m. and they could walk the rest of the way to the steakhouse he had picked out. It was a mild April evening and he thought it would be nice to walk for a change. He was early, but he didn’t mind waiting. It gave him a chance to make a quick call to Olivia.
When Sabrina arrived, she saw Dez right away. He waved and held the door for her as they walked back out on the sidewalk toward the restaurant. She wore a long, open, navy cardigan with a white T-shirt underneath, jeans, and platform boots. Her hair was curled and it bounced when she walked. She looked gorgeous. He wanted to tell her, but he didn’t want to be too eager.
“How has your day been going?” he said as he moved around her to walk on the street side of the sidewalk.
“It’s crazy. There are a lot of people still there, and they will be there when I get back. Let’s just say it’s a really big client and we need to have their tax ducks in a row. Everyone’s grouchy. How about you?”
“No, I’m not grouchy.” He looked over at her with a smile. She giggled. “Today was a good day for me. I took Olivia to school, put some people through their workout routines, and hired a new trainer. Not bad for a Monday.”
They waited for the light to change to cross Gaylord Boulevard and when they got across the street, he had held it in as long as he could. “I have to tell you. You look really amazing.”
“Aw, thanks.” She smiled and grabbed his right hand as they kept walking.
It caught him off-guard but he tried to pretend like holding her hand was normal. “So how did you end up a lawyer?”
“My dad was a lawyer. He died when I was in college. I just always wanted to be a lawyer, and the more I learned, the more I knew it was meant for me. I went to Iowa for my undergrad and then got my law degree after that. Voilà! I’m a lawyer.”
“I bet you’re really good, too,” he said, squeezing her hand and smiling.
She looked up at him with those eyes, and he melted.
Dez stared at the floor, smiling through his tears, when he heard Alex knock at the door. Snapped back to reality, he wiped his eyes, got up, and tried to prepare himself for participating in Sabrina’s search party. It was time.
The emotional whiplash was exhausting.
Dez remained silent as they drove to the state park and he was glad that Alex wasn’t pushing him to talk. Everything he had to say was strictly between him and Sabrina, and to say it to anyone else would change the meaning.
He looked out the passenger’s side window and pictured her as she had been that morning, standing in their kitchen with her coffee cup. Her long hair had fallen past her shoulders to her chest in lively brownish-auburn waves. Her steel blue eyes had gazed up at him with that smug smile as she rolled her eyes, laughing at him realizing he had put two different shoes on. That laugh.
God, I want to hear it again. Just give me a sign. Please, baby, just anything to let me know you’re alive.
“You’re sure you’re up for this, bud?” Alex broke the silence and pulled Dez out of his secret conversation.
Dez didn’t know if he was ready for any of what was happening, but if it had to do with Sabrina, then that’s the journey he was on. He had to go wherever she took him. “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. But if there’s a chance of finding her—”
“I know. I know. I’m not questioning the why, and I’m right here with you, okay? But it’s just going to be intense.” Alex’s hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. “This is serious, man. It’s a search party.”
Dez leaned forward and felt a cool wave tingle throughout his whole body, feeling tears start to trickle down his cheeks as they pulled into the main entrance of the park. He knew what Alex was getting at, but it only fueled him more as he remembered his mother’s words from earlier. Be strong for her, son. “That’s why I have to go. I have to be there to protect her. I don’t know what they’ll find. Maybe nothing, but if they do find her, dead or alive, I want to be the first one to see her. I have to be there.”
He sat back and took his time wiping more tears from his eyes. As he did, he looked over and caught Alex doing the same. The two of them had been so closely tied together over the years, from breakups to sports career missteps; when one was in pain, so was the other in equal parts. They weren’t just best friends. They were brothers at their very cores.
Alex parked the car behind a police car in the lot and they both sat for a moment in the quiet. “Okay, then,” he said, putting his hand on Dez’s shoulder. “Let’s go. Whatever happens, I’m here, brother.”
Dez let out a sigh and nodded. “Thanks.”
They climbed out of the car and stood surveying the situation. The turnout of searchers was shocking. A second wave of searchers was assembling. The first group was reporting back to three officers at one side of the entrance. More officers milled around a picnic table nearby, headsets and radios buzzed with scanner traffic. The officers meeting the first group of searchers were taking notes, most nodding or shaking their heads as the searchers spoke. In all about fifty people were in each shift of the search party.
“Man, there are a lot of folks out here,” said Alex.
Most of the early searchers had shown up after a day of work, hoping to make the most of the remaining daylight. Once Rawlins had given him the green light, Dez had left Shea in charge of closing up the club to give him and Alex time to search.
“Yep,” Dez said. He looked over at a tall, thin figure moving toward them. He held out his hand to Detective Rawlins, who greeted them. “Detective Rawlins, this is my best friend and business partner, Alex Shaw.”
Alex shook his hand as Dez fired off his own line of questioning on the detective. “So, what can you tell us about the tip that was called in? How long will people be out here?”
Alex nodded to the crisp evening closing in early with heavy clouds. “It’s getting dark. Is there a specific direction we should be focused on? How exactly does this work?”
Rawlins adjusted his glasses and wiped his forehead with his hand in what appeared to be an effort to fight off the signs of fatigue. “Well, first of all, we’ll need to head over to that table over there and we will get you outfitted—vests, flashlights, sticks.” He indicated the entrance where the first group of searchers was checking in their equipment. “We’ll be out here as long as we can be unless a torrential downpour starts. We’ve got people fanned out heading north based on the tip.” He tapped a pen in the air indicating the direction. “As for that, it was an anonymous call. They mentioned this park, suspicious activity, and a blue Pontiac sedan. The first party has already headed south.”
Dez took in the information, but he needed more. It didn’t fully make sense. “Suspicious activity? What does that mean?”
“The caller said they saw the car enter the park with a male driver and a female passenger the same morning Sabrina went missing. About twenty minutes later, after a yelling match and several loud banging sounds, the driver was seen fleeing, sans passenger. The tipster failed to get a plate number, but they did look around the area where the car had parked and found nothing, so they decided to call it in.”
Dez asked, “Could it be Sabrina?”
Without answering, Rawlins looked over toward another picnic table and then back at Dez. “Come over here. I need you to take a look at some things.”
Rawlins led Dez and Alex over to a picnic table that had been isolated off behind the pavilion where they had set up the search. Dez’s mind was stuck on “blue Pontiac sedan” and the suspicious activity associated with it. God, Sabrina. What has happened to you? As they approached the picnic table, he understood his purpose and drew in a long breath as the detective began to speak.
“Here are all the items of interest our crew has found so far. They are most likely stray belongings and debris,” he said, “but if you see anything that looks familiar, please let me know.”
Dez, in a hypersensitive state, could feel the detective step away from the table and Alex silently hover to his right. Space. In the midst of the approaching darkness and his surroundings, he was becoming very in tune with the vastness of space. He turned around to Alex. “Can you believe this, man?”
Alex shook his head stiffly. “You see anything?”
Dez’s jaw tightened as he perused the table of dirty, broken items—a watch with a broken band, a water bottle, one sandal, a key chain with no keys, a ring and several other random pieces of jewelry, and a greeting card of some kind. He relaxed his bite a little and took a step back. “I see lots of stuff. Trash really. None of it is Sabrina’s.”
He heard relief in his own voice, but took little comfort in it. To find no clues only solidified one fact—the world had gulped her up and she remained as missing ever.
“We had to check.” Rawlins motioned them over to him and hooked them up with a small crew of eight people that was working a line straight north of the site of the anonymous tip.
Dez and Alex chose to stay together and follow the group leader, Armand, who gave them a briefing. He was former military, built like a tank, and all business.
“Just keep your eyes peeled,” Armand said as they all checked their gear. “Scan the area ahead of you and beside you, slow and steady. Count your steps to ten and then start over. That way if you need to back track, you can better account for what you covered. Concentrate on everything around you.”
“Kinda hard to see,” Alex said, his nose wrinkled in disapproval of the fading light.
Armand nonchalantly adjusted his vest, as if he had been searching for missing persons his whole life. “Yep. That’s why we have to make the most of our time before it gets totally dark. You guys ready?”
Alex and Dez both nodded as they fell off to the side of their new captain.
Dez lagged behind the group on purpose, taking his time to take it all in with every step he counted. He was completely immersed in the search to find anything, something. It was tough as night fell. They slowly made their way across the grass and shrubs and into the treed areas that dissolved into wilder territory. The terrain was rough and uneven at times and sudden rises in the ground caught his legs off guard. After five minutes, Dez lost his luster. Something was off.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven . . . Jesus, what am I looking for? Is that a rubber band? This feels wrong somehow. My gut tells me this is wrong. You’re not here, are you Sabrina? He continued searching anyway. I know it. I feel it. You’re somewhere else. Are you okay? Are you cold? Afraid? Is someone hurting you right now? This very second, is someone putting their hands on you to hurt you?
He stopped in his tracks, frozen by the sheer truth of it all, like when a person realizes in their youth that someday they will eventually die. It wasn’t something anyone could deny or protest. He had no choice or control in the situation and he couldn’t protect or save Sabrina from whatever harm had surely come to her. She was a small-framed woman. Anyone could overpower her if they wanted to. Someone could easily sweep her away. She could be dead, but she could also be somewhere he could never find, never to be seen again.
And then, the panic took over. Gravity pulled Dez to his knees, and he was unable to catch his breath. He tugged at the collar of his shirt, trying to somehow make room for more air to go down his throat to his lungs. It wasn’t working.
He saw Alex turn back to look at him.
“Dez? Dez, what is it?”
Opening his mouth, nothing would come out. As Alex rushed over, Dez kept trying to force the words.
“Dez! Breathe, buddy!”
With every breath, Dez felt the strength come back to his legs and he stood up to speak, adamantly shaking his head back and forth. “Not here! She’s not here.” He looked aimlessly around. Points of flashlights dotted the darkening trees.
“Dez, what do you mean?”
Dez took off in a mad sprint in the near dark. A strong ringing overtook his sense of hearing. He could hear Alex calling behind him, but his voice sounded very muffled and far away.
“Dez! Where are you going? Goddamn it!”
Dez ran into the night with no reason for it, except that he needed to move fast, to get somewhere. There was nowhere he could really go. Nowhere he needed to go unless Sabrina was there. “Sabrina!” He called out as he ran, fueling his impulse to run—for her, if not directly to her. Darkness closed into the trees. “Sabrina! Sabrina!”
In raw desperation, he ran until he couldn’t see the lights from the search crew, but he knew they would catch up with them. They were a search crew, after all, and he was screaming. But he wasn’t trying to lose them or himself. He was just trying to find some hope, some solace where none seemed to be. “Sabrina!”
When Alex and the others caught up to him, they simply stood around him, giving him a wide berth. Dez looked up at the sky, trying to see over the trees and beyond. Sabrina could be anywhere. He leaned back and took a deep breath before bellowing at the top of his lungs one more time. “Sabrina!”
Alex moved in toward him and Dez could read the uncertainty on his face. Dez reached up to feel his wet cheeks—tears. Of course, more tears. His eyes oozed them.
Alex gently grabbed his arm and hugged him, but it seemed more to restrain than comfort him. Dez looked around at Armand and the other strangers who were witnessing his very personal breakdown. He didn’t care. Until someone they loved dearly was missing and in undefined peril, they would never understand. He hoped they would never have to.
“Come on. Let me take you back to the car,” Alex said, not releasing his hold.
They made their way back to the car, by which time Dez was able to calm his breathing and his mental state, but it was too late.
Rawlins politely advised Dez to leave the search party, and Alex took him straight to the gym.
Dez was in and out of a state of sleep until morning. He remembered hearing Alex open up the gym and teach his first class, but he must have nodded off for a brief while. His neck hurt and his back was stiff from being scrunched up on the couch in his office. His head pounded as he sat up to look out the window. Downtown Oklahoma City was in the throes of a morning commute.
Slowly, he stood up, closed the window shades, and walked over to his closet. He grabbed a rag from the bottom shelf and climbed onto the couch. With the narrow streams of light coming in, he could really see the dust on Sabrina’s photo. With deliberate, precise strokes, he removed the fine sheet of dust that had formed. When this was all over, he would tell the cleaning crew to dust twice a week instead of only once. Looking up at the newly cleaned picture, he saw everything with fresh eyes. He again felt a rush of panic and desperation that caused his stomach to drop.
“Baby, where are you?” he whispered to it. He turned away, wiped his eyes and beat the top of the couch at least ten times in frustration. He had just finished when the door opened, and Alex came into the office.
“Hey, buddy. You get some sleep?” He settled into the couch.
Wiping his eyes, Dez moved to the chair behind his desk.
“Dez, you scared me last night. You were running and screaming like a crazy person. I have never seen you like that.”
“Well, this is the first time my fiancée has been a missing person so . . .” Dez looked over at him and gave in. “I know, man. I’m sorry. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me and I panicked. She is somewhere in pain and I can’t help. The world is so huge right now—too huge. Too huge for me to find her.”
“Well, everybody is out there looking for her. There is no lack of trying. That’s for sure. And you can’t stay here. All the trainers want to come in and talk to you, even the customers. We had some media calling and hanging out in the lobby. If you feel up to driving, I think you should head home. Or your mom’s house. Maybe you should go there.”
Dez turned his chair toward the window even though the shades were drawn, feeling more lost than ever. The last place he wanted to be was home, but he knew Alex was right. “Nah. I’ll go home. Ma’s not home anyway. She volunteers at the nursing home on Wednesday mornings.”
“Okay. I’ll come with you for a little while. Dan called. He’s going to meet us at your house. I think he’s feeling pretty lost, too.”
“Yes, I bet he is.”
Dan, or Daniqua the drama queen, as Sabrina had jokingly nicknamed him, was usually all dry wit and sarcasm, but Dez knew the fear and worry had to be crushing him, too.