“When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
– Tuli Kupferberg
PRINCIPLE #3
There is both Negative and Positive Repetitious Conditioning. We are all conditioned to behave in various ways both good and bad.
Children are conditioned to behave in the manner in which they do, both good and bad. To this same point, so are adults. We all essentially do the same thing because we have done it in this manner for so long. Our patterns of behavior are deeply woven into our cellular network. The popular evangelist Bishop T.D. Jakes said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always be where you’ve already been.” Such a statement is simple yet complex at the same time and speaks directly to principle number three.
As we attempt to learn something different, we must first recognize what we already know. If we fail to fully recognize what we already know, we may end up doing the same thing we have already done but just not realize that it is so. We want our children to behave differently, but we must also take on new behavior patterns. The only way to overcome a pattern of negative behavior which has become a conditioned reaction, is to counter it with a behavior pattern of positive response. For example, all of the behaviors that we will outline in this book have become patterns based on negative repetitious conditioning. Let’s take lying, for example. Many children who have been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder are notorious for their lying. Because these children typically lie out of fear, which in its presentation can look controlling and manipulative, we react to these children from fear. We do this by threatening; attempting to manipulate or control them back. A few examples include: “Tell me the truth or else,” “I can see that you are choosing not to be honest; you’ll need some time to think this through in your room,” “If I can’t trust you, I know you won’t trust me, so I’m telling you now that you’ll not have any dessert with us after dinner. Now you don’t have to worry.”
In these situations, the negative repetitious conditioning has already begun and we do not even realize it. We, the adults, are the cause of this negative conditioning, and we do not recognize it because we do not understand our child’s fear, nor do we understand our own. The moment we react to our child’s lie with some statement that lacks empathy, understanding, and support that we’ve pulled out of a book, we are simply reinforcing our child’s need to lie again, but to do it better next time. When this happens day after day, twenty times a day, guess who becomes the master at lying? Practice makes perfect in this situation.
In order to overcome the negative conditioning, we must counter it with positive, repetitious conditioning. In this manner, because we understand that our child is conditioned, we should not expect him to not lie, but rather to lie very well. We then just hope that we notice him lying for a time or two, in an effort to implement some positive repetitious conditioning. So we wait. And we wait, not in an effort to “catch” him as in winning a battle, but we wait to help him. When we are certain that he is telling a lie, the behavior we are expecting because we now understand negative repetitious conditioning, we respond in a positive way as opposed to a negative. (We will discuss lying thoroughly in a later chapter – right now just focus on the understanding.) This one act has gone far in helping parents to help children stop lying. To respond to a negative with a positive eventually makes that negative a positive. The significance is that we understand the dynamics of conditioning and that it will be a process as opposed to an outcome. The outcome may arrive much quicker than expected; nevertheless, we are focusing on the process and not the outcome. If we understand the concept of conditioning, we can trust the process, which keeps us from perpetually fearing a negative outcome.
I believe one of the single best things I have ever said to a parent was: “Expect to fail.” I encourage families to go home and fail just as soon as possible. Let me explain why.
You are not going to be perfect, but that should not stop you from trying. Expect to fail. But when you do, celebrate your failure because only then do you have an opportunity to learn and grow. Apologize to your child for your failure and vow to do better next time. As you practice the techniques and understanding that you will acquire from this book, do not expect your child to suddenly stop lying or stealing. Though it is highly possible, do not expect it. Expect your child to do the same thing he has always done, but you must commit to doing something differently. Soon your child will begin to experience positive, repetitious conditioning. This repetitious experience will eventually overcome the negative conditioning.