“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”
– Chinese Proverb
We live in an increasingly aggressive society. Anger and aggression are everywhere — on the road, on the big screen, on the news, and yes, at little league games. Children also experience aggression on a daily basis—in the classroom, in the school cafeteria, in the home with siblings, and on the playground.
While many children, especially little boys, go through stages of being aggressive, they typically learn to channel and express the feelings behind this anger in more socially appropriate ways. But when this aggression goes beyond typical childhood behavior, it becomes exceptionally unsettling and extremely uncomfortable for parents and other members of a family. In many cases, it is downright scary. Children with trauma histories often exhibit aggressive behaviors which cannot be compared to other children’s behaviors in their intensity, frequency, and duration.
One mother writes:
It is the violence in my home that I wasn’t prepared for. We adopted a cute little boy, two-and-one-half years old, with the most endearing little dimple that lights up his face when he smiles. But when he gets angry, he goes into an uncontrollable rage. It is as if he is possessed. He is violent beyond words. He turns into a wild animal – biting, hitting, kicking, and literally assaulting his family, especially me, his mother. I’m so scared... what is going to happen when he gets older? I’m terrified that he’s going to really hurt someone. I never could have believed this kind of violence could be possible from such a small child. It is so unnerving.
Traditional View
The traditional view explains that children with trauma histories thrive on high levels of adrenaline.1 Therapists point out that these children come from high levels of anger in their prior environments. Not only are these children accustomed to the anger and turmoil, it is explained that these children are actually comforted by it.2 The chaos is safe. The fear and instability is what they know best. It is the familiar. They also explain that anger is a way for these children to create externally what is going on internally.3
Anger is seen to be a friend to this child – a strong and powerful friend. Whenever the child is feeling weak, sad, or any other emotion that is painful to him, the child can call upon his anger to take control of the situation. He knows that people respond to anger by getting angry back. The child is then able to control the emotional states of the people around him.4 Anger puts the other person (usually the parent) in a defensive mode – away from a place of love and nurturing. The traditional explanation further explains that this anger then creates emotional safety for the child, providing a wall of security to guard against vulnerability – yet another tool to keep the parents at arm’s length.5
One of the most popular parenting techniques recommended for parents is to use a paradoxical approach with a child who typically becomes angry and aggressive.6 7 8 This keeps the parent in control and keeps the parent from being taken hostage to the child’s aggressive state, keeping the child from “winning” within the parent-child relationship. A classic example would be for a parent to tell his eight year-old child to turn off the television because it is dinnertime and that he may go ahead and have a tantrum. This double bind is necessary in order for the child to know that the parent is strong, persistent, and definitely in charge.9 If the child has a tantrum, the child is doing what the parent instructed him to do. If the child refuses to have a tantrum, the parent wins because a tantrum has been avoided. Parents are told to predict the child’s behavior in order for the parent to stay in charge, which then allows the child to find a way out of his negative patterned behaviors.10
A New View
Three foundational principles need to be understood to truly see what creates a child who looks “possessed” or acts like a “wild animal,” as described by the mother at the beginning of this chapter. First, a child’s aggressive behaviors arise from a state of stress. This stress is induced by the presence of fear. Second, this fear state presents itself as a mask of anger. We often become so threatened by the anger that we fail to understand that this feeling of anger originates and is driven from fear. And third, a child does not consciously act in an angry/fearful state. A child is not consciously driven to aggression in order to create disruption in relationships. Trauma impacts a child’s state level of memory, causing him to behave aggressively when in a state of stress or fear.
The true understanding of an aggressive child is found in brain research. Research shows that a child’s neurophysiological system is impacted by trauma; the amygdala becomes hypersensitive to threat. The over-sensitized amygdala becomes reactive based on stimulation through the child’s sensory pathways, primarily through the sense of smell, vision, body language, temperature, and touch. Thus, when a child is prone to a hyperaroused state, he is literally hard-wired to go into a “super-charged” mode. Although initially starting out in a frozen state, within a millisecond, the child enters into a reactive state of fight; aggressive and defensive behaviors are then demonstrated. The child is not aggressive out of spite, meanness, or out of hate. Rather, the child is aggressive out of a survival state. The child is, in many instances, in a place of absolute terror.
The only time we
seek to change
someone else’s
behavior is when
we ourselves feel
threatened or
scared.
As mom walks towards the child, the child’s perception, in his hyperaroused state, becomes distorted and the child becomes overwhelmed in his thinking process. His mother, who two seconds ago was the apple of his eye, has now become a monster ready to attack him, or even kill him. So, the child, in his distorted fear state, attacks his mother, biting her, kicking her, spitting on her, and hitting her.
To add to this, the parent’s immediate reaction to the child is that the child is not safe. The child has now become a threat to the parent. yes, the cute little toddler with the adorable dimple has now become a threat within his very own home. In many cases, the state level memory quickly becomes activated within the parent, awakening the traumatic stress that the parent experienced in the past. In this condition, the parent’s ability to be flexible and to determine what is truly a threat, to see the child’s fear, and to remain calm is greatly diminished.
A parent’s automatic reaction is to control this child in an attempt to secure the environment. It is important to note that the only time we seek to control is when we are in a fear state. The only time we seek to change someone else’s behavior is when we ourselves feel threatened or scared. Thus, it is the parent’s own fear state that is driving the controlling parental behaviors. The combination of the parent’s fear state and the child’s fear state then creates an environment filled with hate, chaos, and violence.
Aggression from a child of any age can be scary for a parent. But as little children become young adults, growing taller and stronger than their parents, it becomes terrifying for parents. Let us look at three scenarios of aggressive behaviors from three different developmental stages. These examples will show how a parent can respond to these behaviors in order to keep the scenarios from intensifying and igniting.
Scenario 1: Tina is a three year-old toddler who was removed from her biological mother at the age of nine months. Her biological mother was the victim of severe domestic violence throughout her pregnancy with Tina. Now at three, other parents secretly refer to Tina as “the terrorist of the playground.” She typically hits other children for no apparent reason, throws sand in their faces, and pushes them off the swings. Today, Tina is playing in the park with four other children. After thirty-minutes of play, Tina’s regulatory system has become taxed and she has moved into a state of dysregulation, unbeknownst to her foster mother. Suddenly, one of the children playing with Tina bumps into Tina. BOOM! Tina starts pushing and hitting the child. As Tina attacks, her aggression becomes more and more intense; her aggression escalates as the other child begins to fight back with Tina. Within a matter of seconds, Tina went from what looked like a calm state to an aggressive and hostile state.
Our first reaction would be to pull Tina out, put her in time-out for her behavior, and tell her that hitting is not nice. Yet, we have to begin to see these types of situations differently if we are to help Tina’s regulatory system develop appropriately. Recognizing first that peer interaction is a stress-inducing event, we can then see that Tina was beyond her stress tolerance. Her regulatory system was activated and ready to discharge the build up of energy at any moment. It would have been prudent of Tina’s foster mother to recognize that thirty minutes of play was too much for Tina, pulling Tina in with her for a “Time-In” prior to the incident. Tina could have sat with her foster mother for a few minutes, which would then have allowed Tina to shift back into a calm state, ready to return to safely playing with the other children.
In cases such as this where it was too late and Tina already became aggressive, her foster mother could help Tina understand that she was too stressed to play at that moment. Her foster mother could say, “Tina, you look so scared right now. Come sit with me, sweetheart. You’re okay... nobody is going to hurt you. I’m going to keep you safe.” Tina’s foster mother would then be addressing Tina at her state level of survival, calming her activated primal fear stored within the cells of Tina’s body. Tina’s foster mother would then have become Tina’s external hippocampus, allowing the body system to regulate and return to a state of calm. Later in the day, when both Tina and her foster mother are calm, the life lesson of teaching Tina that hitting is wrong could take place. Tina would more easily absorb this moral teaching when her body system is calm and regulated.
Scenario 2: Let us revisit the example given earlier when describing the traditional attachment parenting approach with the eight year old who was instructed to turn off the television. Mom says, “It’s time to eat dinner; please turn off the TV, Sam.” Sam, in turn, throws the remote control and yells, “I hate you!” This type of immediate, explosive reaction indicates that Sam does not feel safe most of the time within his own home. He is living in a hyper-vigilant state and it only takes one simple directive from the parent for him to have a complete emotional meltdown. If mom were to react to Sam in a controlling manner, the chances are high that the situation would escalate into hitting, kicking, and yelling behaviors, as has been the pattern in the years previous.
Instead, mom has to recognize that Sam lives in a continual state of fear and in a continual state of alert, ready at a moment’s notice to attack. In this understanding, mom goes to Sam ten minutes before it is time to eat dinner. She sits down on the couch with him, puts her arm around him to physically engage him, and gently says, “Honey, in about five minutes we are going to have to turn off the TV. Okay?” No answer is necessary and mom should not expect an answer at this point. Sam, then, is given time to process the directive on his own.
Mom comes back five minutes later and says, “Honey, it is time to turn the TV off. I know you get really scared when it is time to turn off the TV because you are afraid we will never turn it back on again (that is Sam’s reality because stress causes confused and distorted thinking). When you get scared like this, you usually get really mad. Actually, you look really mad right now. I want you to tell me you’re mad. Really, tell me you’re angry you have to turn the TV off.” Mom is giving Sam permission to be angry because that is the only way he has known up to this point in his development to express himself. She is not telling him to get angry as a double bind as described earlier. She really wants to absorb his anger for him. She says it with passion, “Tell me you’re angry, son. I want to know how mad it makes you.” Mom is meeting Sam in his emotional place and giving him the space and safety to work through his dysregulation. When he says, “Yeah, I’m mad” with little affect, she says, “Yes, you’re mad. Tell me again louder, with more feeling, ‘I’m mad.’” Mom is helping Sam express himself verbally in order to help him discharge the build up of energy within his body system.
Aggressive children
are seeking
regulation and
expressing this
deep-seated need
through their
behaviors.
Scenario 3: Joshua is a 14 year-old child whose behavior has been increasing in its level of violence, especially since turning 13 a year ago. To date, Joshua’s parents have managed to restrain him during his violent rages in order to prevent serious injury. Joshua walks in the door after school, slams the door, throws his backpack on the floor, and flings his shoes off on the way to his room. Dad interrupts this daily pilgrimage to his room by calmly saying, “Joshua, how was your day?” Joshua, in his dysregulated state replies, “It sucked. What’s it to you anyway?” Dad immediately shifts into a controlling mode, stands up to show his physical stature, deepens his voice, and says, “You’re not going to talk to me that way. Get over here, son!” Joshua quickly turns around, increases his stride towards his father, puts out his hands to aggressively push his father, and says, “I’ll talk to you any damn way I please.”
Dad has officially been triggered into a fear state. In order to relate to Joshua, though, dad has to first see that his own fear has been triggered. Dad has to realize when Joshua is in a state of arousal that the most effective way to help Joshua is to come down from his own arousal state and to understand where Joshua is emotionally. In this understanding, dad can then maintain his own regulation. It has been shown that the calmer amygdala has the ability to soothe the less regulated amygdala.
So, instead, after dad hears Joshua’s initial disrespectful response, dad takes a few deep breaths, which allow him to stay regulated and to stay in touch with Joshua’s emotional state. Dad then follows Joshua into his room and sits on the bed without saying a word. Words do not have to be communicated at this point. The essence is to create a relationship that will allow regulation to seep in without pouring fuel on the flame of dysregulation and aggression. Then, after a few minutes, dad says, “Son, I see you had a tough day today.” Joshua continues with the belligerent language and says, “You’re damn right! I hate my fucking school and my teachers are assholes.” Dad says, “Wow. I remember middle school. I remember how rough it was. What happened today, son?” Dad is relating through communication and he is meeting Joshua in Joshua’s dysregulated state. Dad keeps processing with Joshua and after awhile, gets up, walks to the doorway, and says, “Joshua, I’ll be in my office; come let me know if you need me for anything.”
Later that night, dad comes to Joshua, sits down and says, “Josh, this afternoon you were really nasty to me when you got home. I know you were upset, but that kind of language upsets me and I feel quite disrespected when you talk to me that way. How about next time you just say, ‘I had a bad day, Dad’?” This communication regarding Joshua’s unacceptable language occurs in a calm state, where Joshua is open to listening and open to making a commitment to do better next time. Dad was able to diffuse a potentially aggressive scene simply by understanding and relating to Joshua – meeting Joshua in his place of hyper-arousal.
Parents need to see anger as fear. This fear-dynamic can then be used in order to provide an environment conducive to not only change, but to healing. Aggressive children are seeking regulation and expressing this deep-seated need through their behaviors. They need to be given the emotional space in order to work through their dysregulation. In many cases, while seeking regulation, they are actually unable to receive it from the parent, which typically gets the parent frustrated and triggered back into a fearful state. The parent needs to physically step back in order to reduce the threat and to allow the child the space he needs in order for the upper level thinking to become active. Parents need to realize that the aggression is not directed at them personally; it is aggression towards survival. Lastly, parents have to see their own fear reaction and be in touch with their own fears in order to respond to their child from a place of love, instead of reacting to their child from a state of fear (see Chapter 5).
Scenario: Tommy is an adopted 16 year old with a history of rageful, aggressive, and threatening behaviors in the home. Since the age of twelve, he has become increasingly abusive and violent, threatening to hurt family members. Now he regularly works out in the gym and has become physically stronger. All attempts at having him placed in an inpatient program for anger management have failed. Suddenly one night, he gets into an argument with his older brother, flies into a rage, and breaks his brother’s nose.
Traditional View
Tommy is effectively holding this family hostage by his uncontrollable anger outbursts and combative behaviors. We have to realistically see that Tommy is demonstrating behaviors that are only warnings of things to come, perhaps even murdering somebody in the future. Punishing him only ignites his rages. He is refusing to go to therapy, so finding a counselor really is not an option. At this point, the family has only a few options in order to provide safety for the other family members. They can call the police and have Tommy arrested. They can continue to attempt to manage Tommy at home by taking a couple of proactive steps. The parents can sleep in shifts to ensure family safety from this child (which is actually a good idea for Tommy to know that someone is watching him all the time). The family, excluding Tommy, can take a self-defense course. Tommy should not be included in this self-defense course because that would be akin to giving Tommy another weapon to use against the family. Additionally, they can ask Tommy to leave the home, or they can ultimately turn Tommy over to the county foster care system.11
New View
The first step for this family is to realize the intense fear that has permeated into every interaction with every family member on a day-to-day basis. Family members are living out of the fear from the past, fearing and avoiding the present, and most certainly living in fear of the future. The parents need to realize that Tommy has been acting out aggressively from a primal state of fear, not anger. When they are able to see Tommy as a scared child, instead of an angry child, they will be able to relate to him and to help him get in touch with the fear driving his behaviors. The parents need to realize that early trauma has impacted Tommy’s state level of memory and that Tommy is acting out of a survival mode. Tommy’s regulatory system is insufficient to be around his older brother without an adult nearby to help regulate the interaction. The next time Tommy begins to shift into his aggressive state and yell aggressive threats, his parent needs to say to him, “Tommy, you must be really scared right now. By you telling me that you’re going to kill me, that only means that you’re really scared that someone might kill you.” The parent then closes the door of the room, creating physical containment for Tommy, and the parent sits on the floor, lessening the perceived threat of the parent. After taking some deep breaths and getting in touch with his own fear, the parent then invites Tommy to express his emotions, “Tommy, tell me how scared you are right now. I’m not going anywhere... I’m right here with you. You’re not in trouble and I’m not sending you away.” The parent waits patiently for Tommy’s next cue. The parent continues to stay with Tommy, not trying to force, change, or control Tommy. The parent continues to invite and relate to Tommy from a safe, non-threatening, love based place. Tommy will ultimately, even if it takes three or four hours – or even six hours – be able to safely discharge some of the bound up, fear-driven energy within his body.
Quick Reference AGGRESSION
Remember that aggression:
When experiencing this behavior, recognize that your child needs you to: