On their wedding night, the last one of the couple to go to sleep will live longer…
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Love divination
According to superstition, the true feelings of a loved one can be ascertained by plucking the petals of a daisy one by one while reciting the phrase ‘He loves me, he loves me not’. The last petal determines whether or not passion is reciprocated (see page 287). In a related custom, a single woman may pick a handful of daisies with her eyes closed, and the number of flowers she holds is said to correspond to the number of years remaining until she marries. The origin of these practices is not clear, but they seem to date from the Victorian period, and are possibly related to the daisy’s associations of purity and simplicity. Such an unassuming flower could be relied upon to tell the truth.
Apples are also commonly used in love divination, and are said to reveal the identity of a future spouse. An unmarried woman may discover her future husband by peeling the skin from an apple in one piece and tossing it over her left shoulder. If the peel forms a letter, it will be the initial of the man she is to marry. Should it break into pieces, however, she is destined to remain unmarried. The pips of an apple may also be named after prospective lovers and stuck on to the cheek. The last one to fall represents a true love. In another apple-divination custom, the apple is held and its stalk twisted while reciting the letters of the alphabet. The stalk is said to break at the initial of a future lover. Apples seem to have a special connection with love and matrimony, possibly because they are often seen as the ‘forbidden fruit’ plucked from the tree of knowledge, for eating which Adam and Eve were expelled from Paradise. Thus, they not only represent the revealing of knowledge, they are also associated with the loss of innocence and implicitly with sex.
A kiss from a dark man means a wedding
It is said that the girl who is kissed by a man with a dark complexion will soon receive a proposal of marriage, possibly from the man himself. Less fortunate is the girl who kisses a moustachioed man and finds a stray hair on her lip as a result, since she is destined to be a spinster. Kissing has long been considered a significant or even magical act, since a meeting of breaths symbolises a meeting of spirits. However, to kiss someone over their shoulder from behind is unlucky, and indicates deceitfulness or betrayal.
Women may only propose on 29 February
The last day of February in a leap year is known as the day on which tradition may be reversed and women are permitted to propose marriage to their hesitant lovers. The originator of this is reputed to be the Irish St Bridget, who complained to St Patrick that women were often forced to wait too long for reluctant men to pop the question. As a result, Patrick granted the opportunity once every four years for women to take the initiative.
Engagement
When considering proposing marriage, a suitor should choose the setting carefully since a proposal should not take place on a train or bus, or in public view, according to superstition. And, when shopping for an engagement ring, the selection of a stone is important. Diamonds, sapphires, emeralds and rubies are all considered lucky, but pearls are to be avoided since they symbolise tears. The day of the week on which the ring is bought may be taken as an indication of the nature of the marriage ahead. Monday means an eventful married life, while Tuesday indicates contentment, Wednesday portends harmony and Thursday means that wishes will be fulfilled. Friday indicates that the couple will have to strive to achieve their goals, whereas Saturday indicates instead a life of pleasure.
For the ring to be adjusted is an inauspicious sign, and equally unlucky is for anyone apart from the bride to try it on. However, they may slip it on the very end of their finger and make a wish.
Once engaged, the couple should try to avoid having their photo taken together and should take great care when choosing their wedding day, since it is extremely bad luck to change it. The reading of the banns, indicating their intention to marry, should take place on three consecutive Sundays, but the couple must not attend since one old wives’ tale states that their children will be born deaf and dumb as a result. Once the final reading has taken place, the wedding cannot be called off without risking great misfortune.
Should she get cold feet, however, the nervous bride-to-be may end the engagement by presenting her fiancé with the gift of a knife, presumably a symbol of the severing of their attachment. She should take care in doing this, though, since after three terminated engagements it is said that the Devil may claim your soul!
Choosing a day
Although Saturdays are now the most popular day for weddings, they were considered unlucky in the past, and an old rhyme advises marriage only in the first half of the week:
Sunday was considered to be the luckiest day of the week on which to be married, since it was the most sacred.
Similarly, while May weddings are now fairly common, it was once thought to be the most inauspicious of all months to be married: ‘Marry in the month of May, and you’ll surely rue the day’. In Victorian times, fear of May weddings was such that vicars were inundated with requests to be married before the start of the unlucky month, and Queen Victoria herself is said to have banned her children from marrying in May. While the origins of this idea are not clear, one theory is that it dates from pre-Christian times when the start of summer was associated with the feast of Beltane and its orgiastic revelries, and such celebrations were not an appropriate backdrop for the start of married life. An alternative theory suggests the idea originated in Ancient Rome, where the feast of the dead and the festival of the goddess of chastity both occurred in May. To avoid a wedding associated with death or chastity, ancient Romans married in June instead, which was the month of the goddess Juno, protector of women and matrimony.
Advent and Lent are to be avoided when scheduling a wedding, the latter presumably because it was supposed to be a time of abstinence and penitence rather than feasting and celebration. It is considered inadvisable to get married on your birthday, or in the dark. Superstition about the timing of weddings also dictates that to be married under a waxing moon is lucky, and in coastal districts it was also common to time a marriage to correspond with the tide, which should be on the way in rather than out. Both of these, obviously, symbolise growth and prosperity.
The morning of the wedding
On the morning of the wedding, it is considered lucky for the bride to feed the family cat before she sets off for the church, although the origins of this superstition are a mystery. The same goes for the belief that the front doorstep should be washed before the wedding party leaves the house, since the bridesmaid who wets the hem of her dress by walking on it improves her chances of marriage.
On the way to the church
Superstition has it that seeing a chimneysweep on the way to the wedding brings good luck, and it is not unknown nowadays for couples to hire one to attend the ceremony. The idea dates back to the reign of George II, whose life was saved by a passing sweep who managed to bring the runaway royal carriage to a halt. The monarch showed his gratitude by bowing low before the man, and henceforth declaring all chimneysweeps to be lucky. More recently, newspapers reported that another royal, Prince Philip, spied a chimneysweep from his window in Kensington Palace on the morning of his wedding to Queen Elizabeth, and rushed out to shake hands and ensure good luck.
Other harbingers of marital bliss are lambs, black cats, rainbows, toads and spiders. In the unlikely event that the wedding party should encounter an elephant on the way to the church, they will be especially fortunate. Conversely, bad omens include seeing a pig or a lizard. Seeing a nun or monk is also considered to be bad luck, because it hints that the impending union may either be childless or dependent on charity. And, perhaps unsurprisingly, the sight of an open grave connotes death, as does meeting a funeral party en route to the wedding.
On the way to the church, the wedding party should not cross running water, and in a variation on the New Year ‘first-footing’ ritual (see page 233), the groom should traditionally present the first person he meets on his way with a coin. On leaving the church, the couple must take a different route back, since in the days of horse-drawn carriages it was considered bad luck to turn the horses around. Instead, they must continue in the same direction, and find a circular route home.
Weather on the wedding day
Weather is considered to be an important indicator of the marriage to come. ‘Blessed is the bride the sun shines on’, as the saying has it. Snow is likewise an auspicious sign, and is linked to fertility and happiness. Rain is considered a bad sign, portending a stormy marriage. It may be that rain was bad for more practical reasons in former times, however, since marriages were usually carried out at the church door, rather than inside the building itself.
The wedding dress
There are many old wives’ tales attached to the subject of wedding outfits, particularly that of the bride. For the bride to wear her entire outfit before the wedding day is considered unlucky, as is the groom seeing the bride in her dress prior to the ceremony. Marrying in white, a colour traditionally symbolising purity, is supposedly auspicious but is a relatively modern custom. Queen Victoria may have popularised the white wedding dress in the 1840s, but it wasn’t until much more recently that ordinary people could afford such a luxurious item. Most people merely wore their best clothes to be married in, irrespective of colour. However, a green dress was to be avoided at all costs. The rhyme ‘Married in green, ashamed to be seen’ indicates the negative connotations of this colour; ‘having a green gown’ meant having loose morals, a belief possibly linked to telltale grass stains on a woman’s dress. Other theories suggest that the colour green should be avoided for different reasons. It is a colour bound to attract pixies, sprites and other malevolent wood spirits, possibly causing the green-clad bride to be carried off by the ‘little people’! In some cases, this superstition is taken as far as banning the inclusion of green vegetables at the wedding banquet.
Silk is considered the luckiest fabric for a wedding dress, while satin brings misfortune and velvet is to be avoided since it means a marriage of poverty.
The bridal veil
The wearing of a bridal veil has a much older origin than the wedding dress, and goes back as far as Roman times. While it indicated modesty and chastity, it was also considered to fulfil a more practical function, in that it would disguise the bride and thus outwit any evil spirits who might wish to prey on her. It has been suggested that bridesmaids, dressed similarly to the bride, were also traditionally intended to confuse malevolent spirits.
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue
This popular rhyme, indicating four objects to be included in the bride’s ensemble for good luck, did not become well known until the twentieth century and probably originated in Victorian times. Traditionally, ‘something old’ should be a handkerchief or shoes, and is thought to signify continuity and permanence in terms of the couple’s friends. However, in an alternative version of the custom, this can be an old garter given to the bride by a happily married woman so that she might enjoy an equally successful and happy marriage. ‘Something new’ symbolises a healthy and prosperous future for the couple. ‘Something borrowed’ is commonly an object of value lent by the bride’s family, which must be returned to ensure good luck. A variation on the rhyme replaces something borrowed with ‘something golden’ or ‘something stolen’. ‘Something blue’ is thought to be fortunate because the colour represents faithfulness and constancy. Chaucer’s Squire’s Tale contains a reference to the wearing of blue to symbolise fidelity, for instance; and in Ancient Hebrew custom, brides reputedly wore a blue ribbon in their hair for the same reason. The rhyme sometimes finishes with the line ‘and a silver sixpence in her shoe’, and accordingly a coin is placed in the bride’s shoe. This is commonly thought to symbolise wealth in married life, but in the oldest recorded versions of the custom, dating from the late seventeenth century, the coin is intended to ward off evil spirits.
Tying the knot
The phrase ‘to tie the knot’ may now be merely a figure of speech, indicating a metaphorical bonding together of the married couple, but in former times it had a literal significance. Marriage ceremonies hundreds of years ago used to involve the symbolic tying together of threads from the couple’s clothes, or else the binding of their thumbs or fingers. In India, this practice still carries on, and in Hindu weddings the bride’s and groom’s wrists are linked together with twine soaked in turmeric water for luck.
Names
According to superstition, it is considered bad luck for the bride’s maiden name to have the same initial as the groom’s surname:
Change the name, not the letter,
Change for the worse, and not for the better.
Even more unlucky is for the wife-to-be to practise using her married name prior to the wedding. To avoid tempting fate, it was common in the past to label marriage linen with her maiden name.
Giving away the bride
A traditional feature of wedding ceremonies is for the bride to be ‘given away’ by a male relative, typically her father. While this is now merely symbolic, it has its roots in former ages when a bride passed from the authority of her father to that of her new husband during marriage. The transfer of ‘ownership’ was often facilitated by the payment of a dowry – a sum of money or goods – which the groom would pay to the family of the bride in exchange for her hand in marriage.
Wedding rings
The wedding ring is an ancient and important emblem of marital union, the circle symbolising unity and eternity, and accordingly many superstitions are connected to it. It is considered bad luck for the bride to wear the ring before her marriage, for instance. Dropping the wedding ring during the ceremony is also considered highly unlucky, and it is even believed that whichever of the couple is guilty of such a fumble will die first. In the event that it is dropped, however, neither the bride nor groom should retrieve it, but the minister officiating at the service. It is generally considered bad luck to remove a wedding ring, the symbolism of this being obvious, but according to some superstitions it can safely be taken off after the birth of the first child. Such is its symbolic potency, it is sometimes used in divining rituals: the sex of an unborn child can be determined by observing the direction of its swing, for instance, and an unmarried woman may sleep with one under her pillow to dream of her future husband. Should a wedding ring become so worn and thin that it breaks, however, the death of one of the couple may be imminent.
Wedding rings are used in different forms in many different cultures, but in the British Isles they have traditionally taken the form of a plain gold band. In former times, when couples could not afford gold, a cheaper metal, typically iron, was used. If even this was beyond the couple’s means, it was acceptable for the bride to put her finger though the loop in the church key in the absence of a ring.
The practice of wearing the wedding ring on the fourth finger of the left hand is an old one, and dates back to classical times when a vein was supposed to run directly from the ring finger to the heart, connecting it with matters of love and matrimony. In other parts of Europe, however, it is conventional to wear the ring on the fourth finger of the right hand, rather than the left. The first three digits supposedly symbolise the Holy Trinity, whereas the fourth may be used for earthly union.
Wedding curses
While most of those attending a wedding undoubtedly wish the couple well, it is supposedly possible for disgruntled guests to curse the marriage by tying a knot in a piece of string or a handkerchief three times, as the priest reads the service. This results, reputedly, in a childless marriage for the first fifteen years, unless the piece of string is ceremonially burned.
When choosing the readings, Psalm 109 is to be avoided, as this similarly brings bad luck on a marriage.
Crying at the wedding
The stress of the big day means it is not uncommon for the bride to shed a few tears at her wedding. Contradictory superstitions surround crying at a marriage. According to some, it is a good sign, indicating happiness in the future since all tears have been symbolically shed before married life begins. Others insist it is an indication of the stormy nature of the marriage to come. It may once have had another significance, however. Some sources argue that since a witch was reputedly unable to cry more than three tears, it was auspicious for a bride to weep at her wedding since it proved she was not a witch!
Leaving the church
Guests should keep a keen eye out to see which of the married couple sets foot outside the church first after the ceremony. Custom says that, if it is the woman, she will be the dominant partner in the marriage.
Throwing confetti
Tossing confetti over the married couple as they emerge from the church is traditionally intended to bring them luck, and close examination of the little pieces of paper reveal they are made up of horseshoes and other good luck symbols. However, confetti itself is a recent introduction to weddings, presumably from Italy where the word means ‘sweeties’ and refers to confectionery thrown in the air at carnival time. Until well into the twentieth century, it was rice, or occasionally nuts, that was tossed over the bride and groom. And tracing the practice back even further, before rice was common in British kitchens, couples would be showered with wheat. Records show that Henry VII received this treatment at his nuptials, and it appears to date back even further than this, possibly to Roman times. The choice of wheat probably relates to fertility and growth, and is therefore symbolically intended to encourage the couple to have children.
Catching the bride’s bouquet
After the wedding, the bride tosses her bouquet over her shoulder towards the bridesmaids and unmarried female guests, and custom dictates that the one to catch it will be next to marry. While this practice is a fairly recent American import, having only spread to Britain in the last forty years or so, it does seem to mirror some older superstitions. The bridal bouquet has long been considered to bring luck, so much so that in the past guests would scramble for pieces of it even before the ceremony began. However, the object that was originally thrown after the wedding was not the bride’s bouquet, but her stocking. Records show that in Tudor England it was customary for the bride to remove her left stocking, before flinging it over her right shoulder to determine who would be next up the aisle. In some cases, guests would accompany the newlywed couple back to their marriage chamber and take turns in throwing the bride’s stockings from the foot of the bed. If a stocking landed on the head of the hapless groom, its thrower would be certain to marry next. By the time of Queen Victoria, such bawdy activities were frowned on and the bride’s stocking was replaced first by her shoe and eventually by the altogether more refined bouquet. However, the original custom is still sometimes echoed today in the tossing of the garter, a practice widespread in the USA. This is a parallel to the tossing of the bouquet in which the groom removes the bride’s garter and throws it to the single male guests.
Wedding presents
The custom of giving presents to the new couple dates back to Roman times, when they were presented with fruit, symbolising fertility. Nowadays, gifts tend to be more expensive, but it is best to avoid giving knives, as this is very inauspicious and is a harbinger of a rocky marriage!
Wedding cake
The wedding cake is an important part of the marriage celebrations, and many superstitions surround it. Traditionally, it is supposed to be made of the richest ingredients available in order to symbolise a prosperous marriage, but the bride should take no part in baking it, nor should she taste it before the day of the wedding. Bride and groom are supposed to cut the cake together as an indication of their partnership and the sharing of tasks in married life. Everyone present should eat a piece of the cake, since to refuse is bad luck. In former times, it was customary either to crumble a piece of the cake over the bride’s head, or else to throw bits of it at the couple!
After the wedding day, it is said that the bride should keep a slice of the cake to ensure the faithfulness of her husband in years to come, and many couples preserve a tier of the cake for use as a christening cake. Pieces of the wedding cake were much sought after by single women, who used them in elaborate marriage divination rituals. After passing morsels of cake through the wedding ring, a single woman was required to walk backwards up to bed and sleep with the cake under her pillow. In this way, it was said, she would dream of her future husband.
Wedding cakes exist in many different cultures, and, in China, they are considered to bring luck to all involved in the wedding. In Britain, their origin can be found in ‘bride cakes’, buns that were brought by the guests and piled up in front of the couple at the wedding feast. The higher the stack of bride cakes, the more prosperous their future together would be.
Tying shoes to the wedding car
As the couple drive away, it is customary for their car to be followed by a trail of old shoes and, latterly, tin cans tied to the bumper by well-wishers. This strange ritual originates in the old wedding practice of ‘throwing the shoe’. In Tudor times, it was common for couples to be pelted with shoes as their carriages drove away, and some sources suggest that the tradition goes back still further, to Ancient Rome.
Shoes have long been involved in other wedding superstitions. Before the advent of the custom of tossing the bouquet, it was often a shoe that was thrown to determine who would be next to the altar. And in some societies it is traditional for the husband to tap his bride on the head with his shoe. Shoes have long been a symbol of authority, which is why some religions demand their removal on entry to places of worship. This gentle tap on the head therefore indicates the husband’s mastery over his new wife.
The honeymoon
The custom of the honeymoon dates back hundreds of years, to when couples were expected not to go on holiday after their wedding, but instead to drink a mixture of honey and mead for the first thirty days of their marriage. Honey was considered an aphrodisiac and was often given as a wedding gift. The thirty-day period corresponded to one full cycle of the moon, hence the word ‘honeymoon’.
Carrying over the threshold
Superstition dictates that it is unlucky for a newly married woman to walk over the threshold of her home, and that she must instead be carried by her husband. This custom is probably intended to symbolise the transition to a new life, but it is possible that bride-lifting was introduced to avoid the bad fortune that would ensue if she were to stumble on her way into her new house. For the bride to trip at such an important moment would obviously be a very inauspicious sign for the marriage. It has also been argued that this practice is a relic of more barbarous times in which brides were less-than-willing partners in marriage, and were forcibly captured from neighbouring tribes by their husbands. This idea at least helps to explain the purpose of the best man who, along with the groom’s friends, was enlisted to assist in the kidnap and to escort the bride to her new house. The theory seems to be supported by records of an Ancient Roman custom in which the bride was lifted bodily over the threshold by a group of men. In Britain, however, there is no evidence that the practice dates from before the early nineteenth century.
Pity the poor bride in Poland, however, where rituals surrounding the entry into the marital home are still more bemusing. Traditionally, she circled a fire three times and then bathed her feet. With a blindfold placed over her eyes, her face veiled and her mouth filled with honey, she was led over the threshold before kicking each door in turn with her right foot. Finally, the water used to wash her feet was splashed on to the marital bed to ensure good luck.
The wedding night
While sleep may not be uppermost in most couples’ minds on their wedding night, they should avoid being the first to drop off, since a rather sinister superstition dictates that whoever falls asleep last will also live longer!