Amanda was in his arms without being conscious of moving. She couldn’t formulate the words necessary to explain, so she simply hung on to him with all her might.
Zachary gently took the receiver she held clenched in one hand and said, “Hello? This is Zachary McFadden, Amanda’s husband. Who am I speaking to?”
She didn’t listen to his side of the dialogue. She buried her face against his throat, her arms around his waist. Zachary was the only stable thing in her life and she could not bear to let go of him. The warmth of his body seemed to penetrate her numbness. Gradually the quivering stopped, and she felt as if she could breathe again.
After replacing the handset in its cradle, he guided her over to the sofa. He held her, his hand moving soothingly over her back.
“Go ahead, cry, pretty girl … if it will help,” he urged.
“Cry!” she bristled, suddenly furious. “I won’t ever shed another tear over that drunk. That miserable coward! That abuser!” she screeched, jumping to her feet. “I detest the man!”
Tears streamed down her face, almost blinding her as raged spilled forth. “Why did he call me? It’s too late for my mother … too late for Granddaddy. If he really cared, he would have been here when my grandfather and his own father needed him. All those months of suffering. Where was Sebastian Daniels then?” She paused for breath. “I’ve buried my mother because of him. Now that Granddaddy is gone he shows up … wanting me to welcome him with open arms.” She shook her head vehemently. “What does he want from me now? He is supposed to be contacting the lawyer, not me.”
Zachary made no response, although his concern was on his strong African features. It was his quiet strength that had a calming effect on Amanda.
Looking into his eyes, she insisted, “I don’t want to see that man … not ever!”
“It’s entirely up to you.”
After blowing her nose on the handkerchief he had given her, she asked with a frown, “You think I should, don’t you?”
“Yes. I do.”
“But why?” She didn’t give him time to answer, but began telling him things that she had told only her grandfather.
“Living with my father was like living with a rattlesnake. I never knew what to expect. He used to taunt my mother, calling her names. Sometimes, he would get so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing or saying. He used to hurt me when I tried to stop him from hitting my mother. He would slap me so hard my ears would ring. Once he hit me so hard I flew across the room and crashed into the wall.
“The last time he hurt me he broke my arm. I was trying to stop him from killing my mother … she was already unconscious … she couldn’t even feel his blows … but he wouldn’t stop. When he started kicking her, I couldn’t stand it anymore. Zach, I was so scared, but I had to stop him.”
Zachary was also shaking but with rage as he came over to her and just held her, stroking her arms and shoulders. “I’m so sorry, love, that you had to go through something like that.”
She was trembling so badly she would have fallen if Zachary had not been holding her. “I bet my father didn’t tell you why he beat her that day, did he?”
“No, he didn’t. But you don’t have to—”
“Oh, but I do. He nearly killed my mother because she wouldn’t give him the money she had hidden to buy food and pay our rent. Daddy was so out of control that day that he took the money … not caring what he had left behind.”
“Mandy, you don’t have to—” he broke in.
She shook her head. “Let me finish. I want you to know the kind of man that calls himself my father. Zach, I was the one who called for help that day, not him. I thought she was dead, but she survived that time.”
She pushed away, then began moving restlessly around the room. “My father left us soon after that. My mother kept asking for him. I was afraid to tell her the truth, but I was too young to keep a secret like that for long.” A sob caught in her throat, and she had to pause before she could go on. Eventually, she said, “It was not long after she was home from the hospital and I was back in school that everything changed. It began like such an ordinary day, but it was not how it ended. I got her breakfast before I went to school that day …”
Amanda took a deep, fortifying breath. Even though more than a dozen years had passed it was nearly impossible to put all this into words.
Zachary caught her hand in his, shaking his head. “No, Mandy—”
“Let me finish … please. I need to tell you.”
“Okay.”
“I stayed late that day. I wanted so badly to be like the other kids. I knew I was supposed to come straight home after school. But when Marie Hunter asked me and three other girls to her house to listen to her new album, I forgot about having to go home … forgot my mother was sick and needed me.” A single tear slid down her cheek.
“I just wanted to be like the other girls. It felt so good pretending that they liked me. That I was just like all of them … that afternoon. I wanted that so much,” Amanda whispered.
“I wanted my family to be like theirs … one that didn’t have a drunk as a father, who said he loved us, yet hurt us over and over again.” She quickly swallowed a sob. “I stayed and laughed and danced with the other girls.
“I—I—I—I d—d—didn’t get home until late. When I walked into the house it was so quiet … too quiet. I called my mother, but she didn’t answer. She wasn’t in the kitchen preparing our meal or in her bedroom resting. That’s when I got really scared.” Amanda unconsciously rubbed her arms as if she could still feel the chilling terror she had experienced that day.
“I stood between the two bedrooms, not knowing where she could be. It was as if no one was there … not even me. Then I saw it … the blood. It was on the floor. I was standing in it.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “It was her blood, Zach.”
“Oh, baby.” He gathered her close, his arms around her waist, allowing her to lean on him.
Amanda accepted his support, but she had to tell him … had to finish. She rushed on to say, “She was dead. She had slashed her wrists with a razor blade. She loved him so much that she didn’t want to live, not without him.” Burying her damp face against his throat, she said, “Sh—sh—she f—f—f—forgot about me. It was as if I didn’t matter. My father was everything to her. Everything!” Her entire body was quivering when she choked out, “That’s the man you want me to sit down and eat with!”
“I’m so sorry, baby. So sorry you had to go through that.” His voice was rough with emotion. He pressed a kiss against her forehead. “Jake told me some of it. But I had no idea how bad …” He stopped, moving a soothing hand over her slender back.
“Over the years, he never called me. Never talked to me. Now because he wants to see me, I’m supposed to go running to him like a good little girl. Well, I’m not his little girl anymore.”
“It’s over, my love. He can’t hurt you … I won’t let him,” he said quietly. “He will have to go through me to get to you.”
It was a while before she was composed enough to stand on her own. “You still think I should see him, don’t you?”
“Yeah. See him, then forget him.”
Amanda looked at him with large grief-stricken eyes, then pushed against his chest until he let her go and dropped down onto the sofa as if the air had been knocked out of her. Covering her face with trembling hands, she began to cry as she had not let herself cry in years.
“Mandy, don’t,” he said as he sat beside her and took her protesting form into his arms. He held her until she quieted.
She used his handkerchief to dry her face. Eventually she asked, “What did you tell him?”
“That we would meet him tomorrow for lunch. He’s staying at the Marriott’s Residence Inn on Zuni Street. But don’t worry about it. I’ll go. He has to be told about Jake and what it was like for him in the end.”
“That’s Mr. Ross’s job, not yours.”
“It should come from family. Ross can give him the provision in Jake’s will later.”
“He deserves nothing!”
“He is still Jake’s son. And as his son, he deserves whatever Jake wanted him to have,” Zachary persisted, squeezing her hand. “Hungry? How about a nice juicy steak?”
“I’m not.” All she felt was drained … of both emotion and energy.
“Well, I am. I’ll eat your steak and mine. Go fix your face while I make a reservation.”
Too tired to argue, Amanda went through the door behind her desk. The bathroom, although small, was done in shades of green. She reappeared a few minutes later looking and feeling better, although there was nothing she could do about her swollen lids.
To her amazement, she was able to relax and enjoy the meal made bearable by Zachary’s lighthearted banter. He flatly refused to discuss anything more serious than her first hiking trip through the mountains with him and his brothers and Peggy. He soon had her laughing at those bumbling attempts to put up the tent and having to fish for their supper.
It was not until late that night as they lay in bed, Amanda’s back pressed against his chest, enclosed in the warmth of his arms, that she reluctantly agreed to have lunch with her father. Zachary held her until she fell asleep.
Amanda woke alone the next morning in a far from pleasant mood. She had slept fretfully. It took all her strength just to get out of bed. She decided to work in her home studio rather than go into the office and inflict her rotten mood on others.
Even though she had her laptop, she could not concentrate on the work she had brought home the night before. After she had laundered, folded and put away several loads of clothes, she was still looking for something to distract her.
She dressed in a tailored navy pantsuit, then restlessly moved from one room to the next. Why hadn’t Zachary called? She had no idea if he had gone into the office or if he’d flown out to the ranch. As the clock moved toward noon, she managed to worry herself into a fine temper, certain that he would not keep his word and she would be forced to deal with her father alone.
When Zachary walked in the door, she greeted him with, “Well, you certainly took your time!”
He dropped his sheepskin jacket on a chair in the foyer and was dressed in a black shirt and jeans. He quirked a brow but made no verbal response. He did place a tender kiss at the corner of her red-gloss-covered mouth before he pulled back to look into her troubled gaze.
“Stop worrying. It’ll be fine, I promise. He can never hurt you again. Remember, you’re not that scared little girl anymore, are you?”
“No, I’m not.” She smiled for the first time that day.
“Ready?”
“Yes.”
Amanda’s heart was racing when they entered the restaurant, Denver Chop House, where Sebastian had arranged to meet them.
“You’re doing fine,” Zachary whispered, taking her cold hands into his. Although she looked perfectly composed, he knew of the harsh emotions she fought to control.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” she warned him, then whispered, “I have—”
“Good afternoon,” the restaurant’s hostess greeted them with a smile.
Zachary answered, “Good afternoon. We’re meeting Mr. Daniels for lunch.”
“This way, please.”
Amanda, having not seen her father since she was a child, wondered if she would have recognized the man.
A thin, stoop-shouldered, bent man hastily got to his feet At barely six feet, Sebastian Daniels was only a few inches taller than Amanda. His hair was steel gray now, and his brown creased face and dark eyes reflected the damage that years of hard drinking had caused him.
Sebastian was nothing like the hardworking man who had sired him. Although he seemed to be sober, his unsteady hands made Amanda suspect his abstinence was a recent occurrence.
“Amanda.” Her father smiled, holding out his hands to her. He flinched when she made no effort to touch him. Embarrassed, he rushed on to say, “You’re so beautiful, little bit … just beautiful. You must be Zachary?” He offered his hand.
“Yes,” Zachary said, shaking his hand.
Other than to politely thank her father for the compliment, Amanda had nothing to say. Once they were all seated, she fought the slight weakening of her resolve. Here was the father she had once loved with blind devotion, despite his abuse.
When the waiter asked if they were ready to order, both men looked expectantly at her. All she was interested in was getting lunch over with; nonetheless, she ordered a chicken salad. She did not listen to the men ordering, but reminded herself that this was not about feelings. It was about the truth.
She could not so much as look at him without remembering the way he had harmed her mother. The last time she saw him replayed in her mind. He was packing to leave them. She had pleaded with him to stay. She somehow knew that his leaving would devastate them both. He was still her daddy, and she loved him then, even though she had bruises on her face and her arm was in a cast because of him.
She had clung to her father, begging him to stay. She remembered sobbing, asking, what was she to tell her mother? It was only after she had lost her mother that her feelings for him had changed. Her mother’s suicide had affected her deeply … still did even after all these years.
“So,” she said, once they were alone. “Where have you been all these years?”
It was the anxiety that she saw in her father’s eyes that broke through one of the protective layers of hostility that Amanda had carefully wrapped around her heart over the years.
She was willing to listen as he began recounting his life. Strangely, his voice held no resentment but seemed to contain a certain measure of regret. Amanda was shaken when he admitted that he had caused many of his own problems.
She could not believe her ears when her father admitted that he was an alcoholic. She gripped Zachary’ s hand beneath the table, having to bite her lip to hold in a bitter retort. She had lost her belief and trust in him.
When Sebastian confessed that he had stopped blaming others for his own shortcomings and had started to straighten himself out, Amanda couldn’t help wondering if he truly believed that just because he admitted his drinking was a sickness he could not control, he could change the past. If that was the case he was wrong. His drinking had destroyed their family.
She was shocked that she felt anything for him … even relief when he confessed that he had stopped drinking and sought professional help. She said nothing. In fact, she had little to say during the entire meal.
Zachary expertly maneuvered the conversation to Jake, explaining their own long-standing friendship and recounted details of Jake’s illness and death.
At this point, she was unable to remain silent any longer. Although she could not address him as father and certainly could never forgive his ill treatment of her mother, she stated, “I’m sorry about your difficulties. And I know that Grandpa loved you and that love never stopped, no matter how many years went by without hearing from you.”
Sebastian said gruffly, “Thank you, little bit. Do you think you could—”
“Don’t ask anything more of me. I don’t know if I can ever forget what you did to Mommy or to me. Maybe, you really did not intend to hurt us. Nevertheless, you did just that. But that’s not why we’re here.” Her voice faltered; she was choking on the turbulence of her emotions. When Zachary gently squeezed her hand, her eyes briefly met his, conveying her thanks.
She managed to say, “I don’t know your plans, but I want you to understand that even though I hope you can find some happiness, I don’t want you in my life.”
The tears she had been holding inside were dangerously close to the surface. Unwilling to let that happen, especially in front of this man, the source of so much pain, she quickly excused herself. She whispered in her husband’s ear that she would wait for him in the car, before she hurried out of the crowded restaurant.
Tears were streaming down her face by the time the car was brought around and she slipped inside. Furiously wiping her face, she decided that her father had already caused the Daniels women more than enough grief for one lifetime. Everyone who loved him had suffered because of it … her mother, his own father and herself.
“You okay?” Zachary asked when he joined her.
She rested against the soft gray leather seat with her eyes closed. Her exhaustion was apparent when she nodded, biting her bottom lip to halt its betraying tremors.
“Mandy?”
“I’m fine,” she managed with difficulty.
“You’re not fine,” he said tightly, but started the motor and set the car into motion without saying more.
It was only after he had pulled into a parking space in front of the condominiums that she said tiredly, “I really should go into the office to at least show my face for an hour or so.”
“Your assistant can handle things for one day. You’re in no condition to work after what you’ve been through today.”
She did not have the energy to argue when he came around and opened the door for her. By the time they reached the condo, she had roused herself enough to notice that Zachary had said no more than a few words during the drive back.
He had been so kind, so understanding through this entire ordeal. She mumbled her thanks when he slid her coat from her arms and hung it in the hall closet. When he joined her in the living room, she turned to him, realizing how much she owed him.
“Zach, I appreciate all you’ve done to get me through that meeting with my father. I’m not sure I could have managed it on my own. Thank you.”
When she slid her arms up around his shoulders and lifted her face to press a kiss on his bronze cheek, his face twisted into a grimace. He stepped away from her before her soft mouth could do more than brush his skin.
Zachary’s dark eyes flashed with temper. “I don’t need your gratitude, damn it.”
He walked into the kitchen while a shaken Amanda sank down into one of the armchairs. She shot him an inquiring look when he returned carrying a bottle of beer in one hand and a tall glass of cola in the other. Without a word he handed the glass to her.
Confused and surprisingly hurt, she had no idea what she had done to set him off. Yes, she had been somewhat self-absorbed since her father had called the day before, but she had not meant to take it out on him.
His mouth was compressed and his dark eyes were brooding when he met her questioning gaze. He snapped, “Don’t look at me like that!”